ugh...

[zaoman32]

I really have no desire or want to do this, but it was a friends advice, and I trust said person so I'm taking it...

The pain and heaviness of being alone has really been closing in a lot on me lately. I've officially been single since this past January, and actually separated from my ex almost a year and a half ago now...being alone is not something I do well with, and the fact that I don't casually date doesn't help. Recently I've been grappling with the concept that God may want me single for the rest of my life, and as I get closer with getting comfortable with it, I start a new job...

I have no doubt this job is where God wants me right now. I see so much negative emotion on so many people I work with there. A lot of it being pain and anger, it's almost palpable. So God wants me to be the light to shine and the Godly example they need. The problem is, this is obviously a toxic environment, and there's someday's that are extremely hard and I just want to give up, but I know I can't.

Recently they've been ragging on me at work about being single. Their favorite subject as the butt of ridicule is me since I do my best to abstain from making inappropriate comments to women, and they know I have not had sex since long before my divorce. Normally I don't mind this type of thing, because I know they're joking, so I'll usually just laugh along with them, but it gets extremely hard having to hear it almost every day. Now it is to the point where certain people began questioning my sexual orientation. I guess for me, it made that loneliness feeling hit me that much harder. Made me remember how much I want someone to share my life with, and how I don't have anyone one, and at least at this point, chances of finding anyone are slim. Most single girls around my age I am not interested in, and any girls I would be interested in are married.

It's hard to keep setting that Godly example day in and day out and not being able to tell if it's even really helping anyone or if they just think I'm an idiot for not doing the wild monkey dance just because I can. It's even harder when they give me pressure to be in a relationship or just have sex with someone, especially when there's nothing I want more...and there's nothing I can do about it.

Well there's my venting session...guess I'm just looking for, I don't know, help, support, whatever. Want to know I'm not alone I guess.

 

[MissCris]

I'm completely out of my element with this one, but just wanted to say I'll be praying for you

 

[Mammachickadee]

Are you abstaining for them or for God? Your desires are natural, and right now God is seeing fit for you to rely wholely on Him for them to be met. Ask Him for peace.

 

[Nuns_n_roses]

I have a lot of respect for you not giving in to peer pressure or making inappropriate comments a long with them. A woman's body should be respected and it is a temple just as a man's is.

It is one of the major adjustments after a divorce, learning to be on your own and celibate when for awhile you had someone to fulfill both your sexual and romantic desires. It's only human to want those things. You can always PM me if you need to vent! You're in my thoughts.

 

[error]

Your sexual life is none of their business. I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell them to shup up and mind their own business -> in a nice way. I don't think its funny to make comments like that -> that might hurt some people (in this case-you). Most of the people should think before they open their mouth-and it doesn't matter are they ch or not. I can't stand that people think they can make fun of everything and everyone. Yes, there are some things that you can laugh about - but c'mon -> some people just cross the line. Don't let them do that!

 

[zaoman32]

Are you abstaining for them or for God? Your desires are natural, and right now God is seeing fit for you to rely wholely on Him for them to be met. Ask Him for peace.

It's just not in my nature to sleep around with whoever just because I want to. But I think if I had a girlfriend the temptation would be too much, in which case I'm glad I'm single, and that's about the only reason. I have asked God to fill that empty hole I have for someone, and it helps, but it's very easy to slip back into those feelings when I'm being reminded that I am single.

 

[error]

I will pray for you and this uncomfortable situation at your work.

 

[phil36]

Hi Zaomann,

Your not alone in this, I've been single now for almost 8 years. I know where has the time went! It wasn't at work for me either because the norm in society is just to go out an do what guys think their supposed to do. So you do ultimately end up the butt of jokes.. but it usually calms down.

I've had a couple of girlfriends since and to be honest it didn't work out, it wasn't them it was me.. you need to give yourself time that's the lesson I learned.. Spend the time letting Jesus fill your need, filling that gap of loneliness. that's another hard lesson I needed to learn. It sounds cliche' but...

As for me being single for so long well.. it has taken me a while to learn hard lessons, and to actually find in Jesus all my needs fulfilled (I still get lonely too).. and the fact that I live in a small coastal toon..

Anyhow just to let you know your not alone..if you want you can email anytime..im not saying il have the answers but its good to share burdens.

Anyhow as mommachickadee says..pray for His peace

 

[zaoman32]

Your sexual life is none of their business. I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell them to shup up and mind their own business -> in a nice way. I don't think its funny to make comments like that -> that might hurt some people (in this case-you). Most of the people should think before they open their mouth-and it doesn't matter are they ch or not. I can't stand that people think they can make fun of everything and everyone. Yes, there are some things that you can laugh about - but c'mon -> some people just cross the line. Don't let them do that!

Ha, one lady today made the comment with several of us standing around that I needed to get laid and I literally was going to tell her just what you said, but thankfully conversation drifted elsewhere before I could.

phil36, the issue isn't so much being single I guess as the crap I deal with regarding it. As I said, yes God gives me peace, but it's difficult to keep a hold of when these situations at work come up. I know you brought up society giving you a hard time, but it's not even close. Not when someone you consider a friend walks up to you and seriously asks you if you're gay.

 

[phil36]

Ha, one lady today made the comment with several of us standing around that I needed to get laid and I literally was going to tell her just what you said, but thankfully conversation drifted elsewhere before I could.

phil36, the issue isn't so much being single I guess as the crap I deal with regarding it. As I said, yes God gives me peace, but it's difficult to keep a hold of when these situations at work come up. I know you brought up society giving you a hard time, but it's not even close. Not when someone you consider a friend walks up to you and seriously asks you if you're gay.

Hi zaomann,

Unfortunately , that's how society thinks...if your a guy and not out..doing whatever. .then you must be gay. Ive been asked by friends who I have known since school similar things.. But you can turn it around..its a chance to share the gospel with them.

All you will find is people trying to get you to conform to their ways.. it would sort of ease their conscience if you did. You will find that those who know you are watching closer than you think. But find peace and joy in the persecution of it.

 

[Mammachickadee]

It's just not in my nature to sleep around with whoever just because I want to. But I think if I had a girlfriend the temptation would be too much, in which case I'm glad I'm single, and that's about the only reason. I have asked God to fill that empty hole I have for someone, and it helps, but it's very easy to slip back into those feelings when I'm being reminded that I am single.

I wonder how Christ handled being alone all of his life... nowhere to call home; no wife to hold; nothing that the ordinary man in the flesh naturally desires. All he knew was that he was focused on the work of His Father.

 

[NukePooch]

I know you brought up society giving you a hard time, but it's not even close. Not when someone you consider a friend walks up to you and seriously asks you if you're gay.

Hi zaomann,

Unfortunately , that's how society thinks...if your a guy and not out..doing whatever. .then you must be gay.

I've had this happen a LOT...once (in college) I was even hit on by a guy who was told I was gay by one of my work friends... The friend was actually confused that I turned the proposition down. In this case, he thought I 'must be gay' because I didn't want to go to a strip club with the rest of the guys.

When you've changed your life to live for God, only those who are trying to do the same thing understand. To the world, you are unfathomable.

Even Chuck Norris approves.

 

[seoulsearch]

Zaoie,

Many of us singles can totally relate to your dilemma and I'm sorry you're going through this. We women receive a lot of flack as well, often being called naive, ugly, and basically a big loser for supposedly not being able to attract an overzealous (or overly intoxicated) hormone-laden man.

I'm open with the people who ask me about my personal life because I see it as a chance to witness and also be kept accountable. I had a girl at work who was constantly telling me the solution to my problems was (I'll put it a bit more politely than she did) to find a quick hit'n'run with someone (she even suggested a potential victim.)

As I wrote in another post, I've been single and waiting (though at times fighting temptation) for over 10 years now, and people literally take a step back when I tell them that because they ask why I haven't died yet (I guess I can tell them it's just the grace of God??!! Ha!!)

I do tell them it's because of my belief in God, of course, but I also give practical and realistic reasons as well that they might be able to relate to even if they don't believe in God. For instance, I explained that I am a very emotional person who went through a very unwanted divorce, and for something like that to happen, I would become very attached to the person right away. This means that if the person decided to cast me aside, not call, not agree to an everlasting relationship or simply move on to the next conquest, I'd be pretty devastated, and I don't need that turmoil in my life. I explain to people that I'm simply not a "love 'em and leave 'em" type... though we all struggle with those temptations at some level. I also tell them that for whatever reason, God didn't build me that way and it would be devastating for me to live like that. I try not to get religious or preachy (because many people don't believe in God due to things like sexual abuse they're still recovering from) but I try to give them real-life answers.

People think I'm downright weird at first, but I've had a few girls tell me they really respect me.

I feel sorry for you guys. As Nuke pointed out... I know that what you get isn't respect--you get called gay, and I'm so sorry for that.

I'm not sure if it would work to explain that you would actually love or care about the person and wouldn't want those kind of attachments in your life based on the wrong things? The reason it's worked for me is because the things I said reminded the people who were harassing me of their own struggles with attachments and "quick fixes" gone wrong. They told me they'd been hurt as well and could see my point about avoiding unnecessary entanglements.

It doesn't always work, of course, but I pray that you'll find a strong support group who stands up for you and accepts you as you are--a great guy, hardworking father, and dedicated follower of Christ.

We're rootin' for ya!!! *hugs*

 

[wisebeardman]

I have been single/alone/what ever you want to call it my entire life.

If I worked at a place and someone tried to rub in my face the fact I was "alone" I do not think they would like the result.

as for not making bad comments to the women at work or anywhere, thats a good thing IMO

 

[xAlphaOmega]

I know exactly how you feel. Believe me, your story is identical to mine except I havent been married. Ppl questioning me at work about my sexual orientation because I dont go around and say 'Look at dat @#$' or something provacative about woman when the rest of the group does- or because I dont have a gf and dont go eagerly seeking one at clubs like girls are going extinct. Its a bad society we live in. I had to change work places and now I work alone. But you know what man, its all about perspective. I'm able to be self sufficient, I can walk, talk, work, I have my God I pray to every night. And I understand this is just a rough patch in my life. Things always get better if your focus is centered on God. ALWAYS.

 

[Fenner]

I've worked with people like that before Zao, rude and thinking it's ok to be crass. I can't stand when a man or woman talk about another person they find attractive in a sexual manner. My husband works with one of these types of men. Anytime we bump into him somewhere I cringe. He constantly talks about the hot women that he delivers mail to on his route. And this man is married! I asked my husband where the heck his mail route is? I know this man is exaggerating, he's a dork and I feel bad for his wife.

 

[error]

Ha, one lady today made the comment with several of us standing around that I needed to get laid and I literally was going to tell her just what you said, but thankfully conversation drifted elsewhere before I could.

well, next time just say - I didn't ask for your advice or opinion.

 

[CHRISTENE]

Its truly difficult to handle people and their words and opinions.
When I get offended by people for their words, I try hard to push myself to pray and tell God all the conversation we had.
I ask God for His will to be done.

Bible says our God is a God of all flesh.Jeremiah 32:27 Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?

God has control over the hearts of kings.
Proverbs 21:1
The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.

Besides this, if God has plans for your future keep that matter in the hands of Lord ; God will bring the right person in your life.
Praying over a certain issue gives us the divine strength and grace to handle matters concerning those issues.
May God give you the wisdom and words to deal with this situation.

 

[CatHerder]

Wowie, Zao-wie!

This makes you wonder what kind of lives they lead if they are so interested in yours.

Seems to me you can slap a sexual harassment lawsuit on such people when they say "you need to get laid," etc....

or (probably better)

If you felt like responding at all, you could say that you are still healing from your break-up, as divorce is rather devastating, and that you are focusing all your energies on that and being a dad. That shuts people up around my office place when my Spidey Senses let me know that a boundary is about to be crossed.

 

[tiffanystx]

First, not sure where you work, but they way people are taunting you about your sex life is definitely harassment. Is there an HR department, a manager who knows anything about this? This is part of their job, to protect employees from this sort of thing. You shouldn't have to deal with that, period. There is nothing wrong with you. You are just surrounded by bullies. How sad it is to be them.

About being single; I read somewhere recently that it's not that God wants us to be lonely, it's that He wants us to spend time with him. I felt that was a powerful statement.