Chosing to pursue a single mother

[thecreationtutor]

We live in a day where sadly most children are born without a father. Most women expect to have a child out of wedlock, and most single women with a child live at or below the poverty line. There are some Christian guys who really want to be good husbands, but it seems hard to find single Christian ladies. Not just a Christian, but a solid lady whose faith has been put through the fire, and have stood the test.

I am a single guy, never married, and there is a good possibility I cannot have children, it's not 100% I would definitely adopt - but why not marry someone who has a child, and not just love the woman, but the child of her youth.

Taking care of the fatherless and the widow, I think needs to include single mothers.

hmmz

 

[mystdancer50]

I do agree with this...to a point. I don't think that women expect to have a child out of wedlock, I think it happens because of their choices and their refusal to wait until marriage to have sex. So, I think that they expect to have sex outside of marriage, because they find that waiting wears on them in more ways than one, and that the children that come from this choice are truly blessings and the women that keep their children and choose not to abort to 'hide' their sins are truly beautiful and amazing and strong.

In this day and age, the church looks the other way when fornication occurs, so a lot of women and men think that if they engage in it, it isn't truly a horrible sin and the church will forgive, which it should, but not the detriment of purity and righteousness.

That being said, everyone deserves to be loved and valued. I think that single women with children can often be overlooked. It can be difficult to take in a child as ones own, even if the person loves the child to the extent of their own life, but the child can oftentimes reject the newcomer in the life of a single parent, be it men or women.

I am currently in the process of trying to adopt little girls in my home state. I am single, have never been married, and am quite content to be in this single season of my life. Should this season be for the duration of my life, I am good with that, too. However, I have felt the call of God on my life to adopt some foster children, and so that is what I am doing. I am choosing to be a single parent and not once has it ever crossed my mind that this could result in my never marrying, partly because I am in no hurry to find a husband and mainly because I trust God completely.

I think we weary ourselves out worrying about things that we should just let God handle. I have fully surrendered my future to God and whatever He desires in the realm of marriage. I have laid myself down before Him and said, "God, you know me better than I know myself, You choose for me." Since I've done that, I have no fear about marriage or the future.

I know I got a little off topic. Sorry. I admire your willingness to see single mothers as the beautiful and strong women they are, seeing that they are valuable and worthy to be pursued and loved. I think this is something that we need in our church. God bless.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I love your way of thinking, CreationTutor. So many children in single-parent homes need a strong father-figure in a desperate way. A man who marries a single mother and helps her raise her child is a treasure indeed. I'm sure there are challenges in adjusting to life with an instant family like this, but the man who chooses to tackle them for that special godly woman will be blessed indeed.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Not just a Christian, but a solid lady whose faith has been put through the fire, and have stood the test.

There is much wisdom in this. We never know how people will react to hardships. Will they draw closer to the Lord in their desperation, or respond in anger? I've seen some who I considered very strong Christians react in anger and stumble in their walk, and others whose spiritual lives have deepened a hundredfold due to being refined. It would be a great thing to go into a relationship with someone that you know has already gone through trials and come out shining. That's the one you want by your side when you are facing trials together.

 

[Powemm]

Psalm 68:5
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.

 

[djness]

Most single women I know with a kid are usually a wreck. Mostly because of the guy, but also their own responsibility.
I suppose if the woman were single, and the kid were very young AND the father was dead, I could consider it.

Why the dead father though? Because typically if the father is alive there is just a ton of issues with him wanting to come around and be nosey when she finds a new guy, all of a sudden wants visitation with the kid...all of a sudden wants to be around her. Why? Because his former conquest is now being visited by another man. He suddenly becomes re-interested and only to cause trouble. So again, maybe if he is dead.

Why if the child is young did I say? Because a grown kid is much less likely to accept you then one who doesn't know you aren't the biological father.

If you are a woman with a child and an ex, you know what I am talking about. It's just not a good experience.

I agree that we should help the fatherless and the widow, most churchs don't bother. I don't really agree though that it means you need to...and iIm sorry to use this term... but settle for someone who may not have waited like you did.

Oh I also think this becomes a lot easier for a guy to do if he already has kids. I imagine the entire scenario would be the same if it were a single woman and a guy with kids.

 

[thecreationtutor]

Most single women I know with a kid are usually a wreck. Mostly because of the guy, but also their own responsibility.
I suppose if the woman were single, and the kid were very young AND the father was dead, I could consider it.

Why the dead father though? Because typically if the father is alive there is just a ton of issues with him wanting to come around and be nosey when she finds a new guy, all of a sudden wants visitation with the kid...all of a sudden wants to be around her. Why? Because his former conquest is now being visited by another man. He suddenly becomes re-interested and only to cause trouble. So again, maybe if he is dead.

Why if the child is young did I say? Because a grown kid is much less likely to accept you then one who doesn't know you aren't the biological father.

If you are a woman with a child and an ex, you know what I am talking about. It's just not a good experience.

I agree that we should help the fatherless and the widow, most churchs don't bother. I don't really agree though that it means you need to...and iIm sorry to use this term... but settle for someone who may not have waited like you did.

Oh I also think this becomes a lot easier for a guy to do if he already has kids. I imagine the entire scenario would be the same if it were a single woman and a guy with kids.

Those situations require a lot of Grace - i guess how much Grace do you think the father will give, and how much Glory will it bring?

 

[djness]

Those situations require a lot of Grace - i guess how much Grace do you think the father will give, and how much Glory will it bring?

I suppose if you met someone and you liked them and they had a kid, then fine, forge ahead.
I just don't see myself thinking ''hmmm single woman , kids, baggage and potential grace from God to see us through, or single woman no kids no ex hanging around and nothing to make us wish more grace would be wonderful why aren't we seeing it''.

James 1:27

English Standard Version (ESV)

27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, andto keep oneself unstained from the world.

I see this as a call to love , not as some may interpret as a call to date a specific group.

 

[mystdancer50]

Every relationship requires grace and mercy and love and forgiveness and (ugh) work. Yet, when others are involved, like children, it does complicate things a bit...however, I have seen the rewards in the lives of others.

My best friend was adopted by her stepfather and I never even knew he was her stepfather, not her biological father. I only found out because I said that most stepfathers are horrors (I'll explain why in a minute) and she got upset and told me that her father was actually her stepfather and I had to concede that my view was warped by my own past.

My mother dated and married an extremely abusive man after she and my father divorced, so I spent the years from third grade through high school dealing with an absent father and an abusive stepfather, so I had a very jaded view on fathers and their value, not to mention men and their worth. God has brought me a long way through all this and the healing has been amazing and deep. God is good all the time.

So, yes, the children may complicate the relationship a great deal, but there is absolutely nothing like a strong, godly man stepping in and taking another man's children as his own children, dealing lovingly with the rejection and the rebellion that can sometimes appear. Looking back, the children will truly appreciate the love a godly man can give to children that aren't his by birth, but he makes his by choice, word, action, deed and adoption, should the opportunity arise.

I know a couple from my church that married with kids (both having some) and if they hadn't told me that the teen boy and girl weren't biological brother and sister and that the teen girl wasn't his biological daughter or the teen boy her biological son, I never would have known. In fact, I oftentimes forget that they are a stepfamily because of the godly love they share.

I believe that God can create mixed families to the glory of His Name. Is it work? Indeed. Will there be painful moments? Of course. But what relationship worth having doesn't have those moments?

 

[zaoman32]

Most single women I know with a kid are usually a wreck. Mostly because of the guy, but also their own responsibility.
I suppose if the woman were single, and the kid were very young AND the father was dead, I could consider it.

Why the dead father though? Because typically if the father is alive there is just a ton of issues with him wanting to come around and be nosey when she finds a new guy, all of a sudden wants visitation with the kid...all of a sudden wants to be around her. Why? Because his former conquest is now being visited by another man. He suddenly becomes re-interested and only to cause trouble. So again, maybe if he is dead.

Why if the child is young did I say? Because a grown kid is much less likely to accept you then one who doesn't know you aren't the biological father.

If you are a woman with a child and an ex, you know what I am talking about. It's just not a good experience.

I agree that we should help the fatherless and the widow, most churchs don't bother. I don't really agree though that it means you need to...and iIm sorry to use this term... but settle for someone who may not have waited like you did.

Oh I also think this becomes a lot easier for a guy to do if he already has kids. I imagine the entire scenario would be the same if it were a single woman and a guy with kids.

There's a lot of wisdom in this post. The scenario of a single mother with a new boyfriend and the ex poking around is a far common one, though I think it would go the other way around for me and my ex

It's a touchy situation for a lot of reasons. The fact is when a male involves himself in a situation with a single mother, it's very difficult (though not impossible) for that man to be able accept that child as his own and love him and treat him that way. Studies show that in most cases the guy actually sees the child as an inconvenience to his relationship with the woman. They tend to display much more anger and animosity than the child deserves or is ready for. This was the sole reason I kept a close eye on my ex's old live in boyfriend, and it was a very good thing I did too because that's exactly what how he was behaving, and my kids were getting the brunt of the frustration.

For me of course, since I already have kids, I would prefer dating someone who had at least one themselves, or at the very least has a lot of pleasant experience with kids such as working daycare regularly or something like that.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

For me of course, since I already have kids, I would prefer dating someone who had at least one themselves, or at the very least has a lot of pleasant experience with kids such as working daycare regularly or something like that.

I think that's probably the best scenario for both sides. If both have kids already, they will understand the sacrifices (and joys) of raising kids in a way that no one else really can. They can help each other, support one another, and parent together.

I'm 4-6 years from being an empty-nester. (So weird to think about.) I imagine I'll probably wait until the kids are grown to remarry. I've thought a lot about this... The upside being that there will be fewer complications with blending a family together, less stress for the kids, etc. The downside being that my kids won't have the opportunity to really get to know my husband like they would if they spent more time with him as a family. (Plus by then I'll be out of my child-bearing years, and many men that age are still looking to start families.)

 

[Catlynn]

There's a lot of wisdom in this post. The scenario of a single mother with a new boyfriend and the ex poking around is a far common one, though I think it would go the other way around for me and my ex

It's a touchy situation for a lot of reasons. The fact is when a male involves himself in a situation with a single mother, it's very difficult (though not impossible) for that man to be able accept that child as his own and love him and treat him that way. Studies show that in most cases the guy actually sees the child as an inconvenience to his relationship with the woman. They tend to display much more anger and animosity than the child deserves or is ready for. This was the sole reason I kept a close eye on my ex's old live in boyfriend, and it was a very good thing I did too because that's exactly what how he was behaving, and my kids were getting the brunt of the frustration.

For me of course, since I already have kids, I would prefer dating someone who had at least one themselves, or at the very least has a lot of pleasant experience with kids such as working daycare regularly or something like that.

This post...and Djness' post....are sad and depressing. But I totally understand them and can agree on many points. Hopefully, if both parties entering a relationship are mature mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, they'll be able to work it out with God's grace. It's really tough being a single mom at times, but I've learned more about God and grown in ways I never could have imagined since having my daughter.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

This post...and Djness' post....are sad and depressing. But I totally understand them and can agree on many points. Hopefully, if both parties entering a relationship are mature mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, they'll be able to work it out with God's grace. It's really tough being a single mom at times, but I've learned more about God and grown in ways I never could have imagined since having my daughter.

Yes, and I don't agree that most single mothers are messed up. Most people have emotional "baggage", whether it's from their childhood, a failed marriage, a wild young-adulthood, or whatever. That doesn't mean they are crippled human beings. Humans are surprisingly resilient. We are survivors. We are wiser, more compassionate, more understanding, and stronger. I wouldn't trade those qualities and experiences for anything.

 

[Ugly]

We live in a day where sadly most children are born without a father. Most women expect to have a child out of wedlock, and most single women with a child live at or below the poverty line. There are some Christian guys who really want to be good husbands, but it seems hard to find single Christian ladies. Not just a Christian, but a solid lady whose faith has been put through the fire, and have stood the test.

I am a single guy, never married, and there is a good possibility I cannot have children, it's not 100% I would definitely adopt - but why not marry someone who has a child, and not just love the woman, but the child of her youth.

Taking care of the fatherless and the widow, I think needs to include single mothers.

hmmz

I don't think the scripture to take care of the fatherless and widow was intended as a call to marriage. That seems to be twisting of scripture to meet your stance.

I have dated a woman with kids. Though, at this point in my life, and for reasons i'd rather not get into here, i'm much less likely to get involved with a woman with children. Nothing against them, its personal reasons.

And while its a noble stand you seem to want to take, you're being a bit naive. Its often not as simple as seeing this poor destitute single mom who is grateful for a man, and that her children will be so happy to have a father figure they'll love you like you're their own dad. More commonly there is a lot of conflict with the children, as the children rebel against the new husband and their mom for bringing this man into their lives.
And if the dad is still in their lives, that adds more conflict and drama. A lot more thought needs to be put into the pro's and con's of this rather than making a noble gesture or convincing yourself you're following a biblical principal to marry a single mother.

 

[Catlynn]

So are we single mothers just supposed to stay single then? Because it's too scary/messy/difficult/complicated? I understand you're all trying to make sure this guy is aware of both sides, but oh my gosh! Maybe try being a wee bit more positive and maybe a little sensitive to the single moms of this forum. :/ I shouldn't be and am not usually so easily offended....but this thread is hard for me for some reason. Sorry if I seem harsh.

 

[mystdancer50]

So are we single mothers just supposed to stay single then? Because it's too scary/messy/difficult/complicated? I understand you're all trying to make sure this guy is aware of both sides, but oh my gosh! Maybe try being a wee bit more positive and maybe a little sensitive to the single moms of this forum. :/ I shouldn't be and am not usually so easily offended....but this thread is hard for me for some reason. Sorry if I seem harsh.

Sorry. I was trying to be positive, because I do believe there is great value and strength in single mothers and fathers. Did I come across as positive in my responses? Let me know, because if I didn't, I'd like to be aware of what could be seen as hurtful so that I don't word responses the same way in the future.

 

[Loveneverfails]

[video=youtube_share;BjO1F6oCab8]http://youtu.be/BjO1F6oCab8[/video]

 

[zeroturbulence]

I <3 single moms.

 

[Ugly]

So are we single mothers just supposed to stay single then? Because it's too scary/messy/difficult/complicated? I understand you're all trying to make sure this guy is aware of both sides, but oh my gosh! Maybe try being a wee bit more positive and maybe a little sensitive to the single moms of this forum. :/ I shouldn't be and am not usually so easily offended....but this thread is hard for me for some reason. Sorry if I seem harsh.

All i was getting at is his mindset seemed to be casual, as if it were such an easy thing. I didn't read any other responses. I just tried to caution him that it can be more complicated than he made it sound. Not to discourage the idea, but to be more aware and wise of the potential problems that can arise. I think it's great when a single parent can find someone to marry and be a parent to their child. But it needs to be handled right, and that can't happen if you don't have an awareness of the potential problems that can, and often do, arise.
My own family was mixed, with my father marrying my mother when she had three kids already. All in all in was pretty successful. But the reality is this is not the norm. More often than not there are plenty of issues and conflicts. This may be do to the parent, whether a mother or father, not handling the situation better with their kids. I don't know.
I'm assuming most here, and at the very least myself, were only making someone aware of issues he may not have thought through. I don't think it was against the single parent, but more of trying to impart knowledge to someone who came across not having it.
And this knowledge may be good for the single parent too. I was passing along what i have experience myself, as well as what i've heard from others.

This thread seems the same as most threads. A person with a question or comment, and lots of people chiming in with the same basic responses. Just that this particular subject was more personal to you, so you are likely more sensitive to this. But the same thing goes on constantly here. It may help to ease some of your offended feelings to keep that perspective.

 

[Stuey]

This post...and Djness' post....are sad and depressing. But I totally understand them and can agree on many points. Hopefully, if both parties entering a relationship are mature mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, they'll be able to work it out with God's grace. It's really tough being a single mom at times, but I've learned more about God and grown in ways I never could have imagined since having my daughter.

This is a bit off topic, but from what I've seen here you seem like you have a genuine and deep love for God. I've been impressed by your maturity in many of the things I've seen. - I pray God continues helping you to be a terrific mother & maybe even gives you a husband who will love your child as you love do one day. (one day soon? haha)