Dating People With Kids & An Ex

[Kyra]

***I realize that this is a touchy subject so if there is any possibility you may take this personally please keep moving. I am not trying to offend or start a fight. ***

As a woman in my 30's I have slammed into the reality of dating when you are older. aka: the pool is smaller, people are more set in their ways and instead of the question: Have you waited for marriage?
It's : Have you been married? Do you have kids? Have you ever lived with someone?

Generally I have avoided men who have been married and have kids.(especially if the kids are young)
Here are the reasons:
1.) The ex: Dealing with kids means dealing with the "other" who may be bitter & vengeful.

2.) The kids may hate you: Stepping into a relationship with a man who has had a past marriage means the children may think you are trying to replace their mother(even though you're not) and harbor hatred for you. ( This happened to a friend of mine who married a guy with a kid and the daughter made her life miserable)

3.) The kids may love you: Sometimes dating someone who has kids means you are entering into a relationship with that person AND their kids. You form a bond with both. Which means if you break up with the person you may not get to see the kids anymore and that break may be just as hard.

So those are some of the risks. I would like to know what you think. Do you think these cons can be avoided? Do you think there are pros?

 

[cheesemonkeys]

Well, as it so happens I dated a girl with a kid, though part of her situation was a little different, she had been married young, really young, and shortly after getting married became pregnant. she had her little boy, and 3 months after his birth her husband was killed in a car accident. I met them about a year and a half later at church. and actually I met her son before her technically. I had seen her around, she seemed nice and she seemed like a good mom and one day at church he needed to use the restroom but did not want to go in the girls bathroom as he isn't a girl. I happened to begin my entrance into the mens room and she asked if i might be willing to take him in with me, I agreed and emerged a few mins later with him clean hands and all. several months later we officially were dating. Today she and I are no longer dating, and really no longer talking at all. she decided one morning out of the blue that not only did she no longer want me in her life, but she also no longer wanted to be a mom. I have since adopted Caleb and am raising him on my own. he is 3 now, and is smart, funny, and very happy. So in answer to your question, the risks are great, but sometimes the gains make it all worthwhile. I wouldn't trade having Caleb in my life for anything.

 

[4given30]

If i met a gal who has an x or kids and she was a woman of god and obviously has a past and we both felt that god was in the middle matching us 2 together(i would have to be pretty sure) then im thinking if that was the case the god would pave the way and the things that you have brought up kyra could be managed.however when it comes to relationships us humans get really fleshy and it can usually be all about us so if i had issues with x or kids or anything that was outside of my control when it comes to the relationship and didnt constantly take it all to god then there would be chaos.
I can see why u have made those choices and thats cool-what if though god was to bring a bloke into your life and he did have an x and kids and it was clear that god was doing a number on ya?

 

[Kyra]

Straight to the jugular! lol Actually I don't think it would be that hard to follow God if I loved the person. But hypotheticals and real life rarely match. So I suppose I can't really say what I would do until it happens.

 

[1still_waters]

There are some serious obstacles and challenges to deal with in this situation. I think it all boils down to God's will.

If you pray about it and God seems to be saying yes, then any obstacles frankly don't matter, because when you're in the center of God's will, you'll be given the strength to deal with those obstacles, whether it be kids, ex wives or whatever.

I wouldn't spend too much time looking at the challenges and obstacles. Look to God's will. When His will is YES, he gives you the grace and strength to deal with all the challenges you listed.

 

[_Elizabeth_]

Well...I am a single mom with 2 kids. I have an ex husband who is not a christian. So...of course I would be a person more willing to date another single parent with an ex. I could handle the adversarial issues associated with custody-etc, because I have personally experienced them. In fact, I would prefer a person who has gone through the many challenges of life. You can guess their position may be one of more understanding and compassion. I have learned that a person circumstances are important. Preferences change based on life situations and maturity. Just like at this point in my life I would not want to marry someone who lives with his buddies in a frat house. So if you think that a person with kids is an obstacle or threat to you from the beginning, you would do yourself and them a favor by moving on. Children are deserving of the best life God has planned for them. A single parent is better single with the Lord than facing a person daily who does not submit to them and the Lord 100%.

 

[Trueworshiper512]

I am a single guy and I have never experienced marriage, but the Lord has shared with me through his word on which the kind of confidence these kind of relationships should be founded. I use to be very worried that I would either never find someone that would be for me or that I would rush into a relationship that would be disasterous for me in many aspects, mentally, emotionally and above all spiritually.

There are two scriptures that I have built my confidence upon:

One is found in 1 Corinthians 4:7, "What do you have that you did not recieve?". Now think of this in a term for having specific desires in your heart like wanting to be with a man or woman in a relationship. God wouldn't give us a desire for a man or woman and then release us to go find someone on our own! Not in a million years, God has created someone for all of his children that he has planted that desire and predestined to be together with another.
The second is in Psalms 139 saying, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." That shows me that God isn't going to do something half-way. He is going to not only provide the desire, but the person that he originally created to one day be with you as well. Let that be your confidence. That way, you won't strive to find someone in your life and worry about what kind of person they will turn out to be, just have faith in the Lord's judgement. Matthew 6:27 says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I know saying that Mr. or Mrs. right is out there somewhere has been thrown around alot, but I am convienced by the very spirit dwelling in me that she is out there and God will bring me and her together in his timing and not mine.

 

[ChristopherMichael]

I think the reasons guys usually avoid dating someone with kids are different than what most girls would say.

The three big reasons I (and maybe some of the other guys out there) dodge chicks with kids are
1. She's probably got lots of ex-related emotional baggage
2. I might like her kids more than her
3. I don't like being clean-up / the second pick

The ex: Dealing with kids means dealing with the "other" who may be bitter & vengeful.

1. When it comes to the ex, I've found that the other guy usually beats feet out of the picture once he parts ways with the girl. What is a problem, however, is the emotional baggage that comes a long with a spouse / live-in-partner. "He did this all the time", or "You're so different from him". I think girls are a lot more vocal about their ex's than guys are (unless the guy is metro or a wuss or something).

The kids may hate you: ...
The kids may love you: ...

2. I've always gotten along amazingly well with kids. When you've got shelves of cartoon-series and K'Nex, how can they not love you? Part of the problem I, and sounds like maybe cheesemonkey as well, have run in to is when you like the kids more than the person. Then you wind up staying for the kid, and the girl stays for the companionship/stability/babysitter, even though you two might not click on your own, without the kid.

3. Last, and this is the biggest one for me, I don't like the idea of being her second choice, and having to clean up after the jerk she picked first! Back when she was childless and prospecting for a mate, it had to be the dangerous guy, with all kind sof impulse control issues. Now that she's been treated poorly and left with kids, it's the nice, stable guy who gets to untangle her problems and raise some jerk's kids. (I know the kids themselves had nothing to do with it, and are probably all awesome and sweet, but that doesn't change the idea of it all.)


So yeah, that's it. Our first two reasons seem pretty similar. Anyone else got feedback?

- Topher

 

[grace]

I think the reasons guys usually avoid dating someone with kids are different than what most girls would say.

The three big reasons I (and maybe some of the other guys out there) dodge chicks with kids are
1. She's probably got lots of ex-related emotional baggage
2. I might like her kids more than her
3. I don't like being clean-up / the second pick


1. When it comes to the ex, I've found that the other guy usually beats feet out of the picture once he parts ways with the girl. What is a problem, however, is the emotional baggage that comes a long with a spouse / live-in-partner. "He did this all the time", or "You're so different from him". I think girls are a lot more vocal about their ex's than guys are (unless the guy is metro or a wuss or something).


2. I've always gotten along amazingly well with kids. When you've got shelves of cartoon-series and K'Nex, how can they not love you? Part of the problem I, and sounds like maybe cheesemonkey as well, have run in to is when you like the kids more than the person. Then you wind up staying for the kid, and the girl stays for the companionship/stability/babysitter, even though you two might not click on your own, without the kid.

3. Last, and this is the biggest one for me, I don't like the idea of being her second choice, and having to clean up after the jerk she picked first! Back when she was childless and prospecting for a mate, it had to be the dangerous guy, with all kind sof impulse control issues. Now that she's been treated poorly and left with kids, it's the nice, stable guy who gets to untangle her problems and raise some jerk's kids. (I know the kids themselves had nothing to do with it, and are probably all awesome and sweet, but that doesn't change the idea of it all.)


So yeah, that's it. Our first two reasons seem pretty similar. Anyone else got feedback?

- Topher



I feel sooooo encouraged!!

 

[Matthew]

I would try to see things as a potential positive rather than a negative, maybe the person won't have baggage so much as be more prepared for a relationship having learnt from the previous failure.

It could be a good thing in some ways, I have known people who have come together both from a previous marriage and with children who have gone on to form a strong family and have remained together.

The only thing that can really help to avoid big problems is to simply go slow, especially if children are involved, if I ever developed an attraction to someone in that circumstance it would not stop me pursuing things, I'd just be a little more cautious to make sure I dealt with the past before going forward.

 

[ChristopherMichael]

I feel sooooo encouraged!!

Hey, it's better to know what some guys are thinking, right? Did you really think I'd be like "Nah Kyra, forget that! Kids and emotional baggage are my cheerios and milk!"

- Topher

 

[grace]

You should be honest....that is always best.

But I would certainly hope that someone would not immedietly write me off as someone potentially to date because my husband abandoned his responsibilities as a husband and parent...or because I have children.

I would certainly hope that someone would not immedietly discredit me in their mind prematuraly, thinking that I must have baggage due to those circumstances.

I am not offended, and I appreciate you shareing your opionions on the topic....BUT, being someone in that demographic, reading that was a bit discouraging thinking that there would be more out there that would have those thoughts, and would immedietly have me placed in a box before knowing me or my circumstances etc.

Its all good though....because there have been some other very encouraging posts from both sides.

Always an interesting topic.

Take care

 

[star_gazer]

***I realize that this is a touchy subject so if there is any possibility you may take this personally please keep moving. I am not trying to offend or start a fight. ***

As a woman in my 30's I have slammed into the reality of dating when you are older. aka: the pool is smaller, people are more set in their ways and instead of the question: Have you waited for marriage?
It's : Have you been married? Do you have kids? Have you ever lived with someone?

Generally I have avoided men who have been married and have kids.(especially if the kids are young)
1.) The ex: Dealing with kids means dealing with the "other" who may be bitter & vengeful.
2.) The kids may hate you
3.) The kids may love you
So those are some of the risks. I would like to know what you think. Do you think these cons can be avoided? Do you think there are pros?

Wow, these are really lame reasons. I cannnot imagine someone viewing any of these things as "risks." No offense intended but your attitude is gross and astonishing to me. You are afraid that the ex MIGHT be bad, the kids MIGHT not like you or they MIGHT like you? This makes no sense. I as a single parent would never dismiss another single parent with so biased and biggoted a list of MIGHTs.

And seriously, my personal policy is that if you have to put two or more speculations in a row then, regardless of the topic, you are avoiding dealing with something based on a ficticious inner dialogue and a hidden fear that has nothing to do with other people and is absolutely NOT based in reality. IN fact that list indicates to me that you watch WAAAAAAYYYYY too much television.

I am just astonished to read something like this. Frankly, I really would have preferred not to ever have read it. Yes, what you are writing is offensive and I gather from your declaration that you knew, expected, and, at some level, intended it to be.

It sounds like you are really harshly judgemental about kids. It also sounds like you are setting yourself up to have a hostile relationship with "the baby's mama" because of some latent jealousy that you would never be the man's "first choice" of a sexual partner as proven by the existance of prior offspiring.

Perhpas at some level you may even resent the idea of being a mother to "someone elses kids" or do not "want to be bothered" by other people's past while resenting anyone questioning you about yours. I suggest you pray about your attitude sister. Because God can and will adjust for such attitudes.

Because honestly, real love does not work this way. Love is multiplied, not divided by children. And how dare you resent a child for being young and needing you? Wow! If you love a man you will love his kids, they are part of him. If your goal is to be the "only apple of his eye" to the exclusion of kids then you are going to have a hard time if you ever have your own. And as for kids, they exist. And other people's kids exist. And oh yeah, there are plenty of kids out there who desperately need to be loved, cherished and protected.

I hope you can get past this attitude and that you will not find yourself in your late 30's and unable to conceive then resenting God for your isolation. Or worse yet, reject a child, any child,even those you have not personally born, when that child depends on you for love, safety and nurturing throguh no fault of their own.

Cause honestly, I would never want to think the way you are thinking right now. And again, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. This jsut sounds like a really unGodly way to think about kids.

I'll pray for you.

 

[ChristopherMichael]

Dear star_gazer,

I'm sure Kyra can speak for herself, but I think you misunderstood what she was saying. I don't think I'm too far out of line in guessing that a lot of her concerns may have come from her own dating experiences, or those of her friends. I doubt they're just idle, cruel speculation.

You come off as sounding very upset and angry in your post. You mention that you're a single parent as well. Do you feel that you're being written off by people because you have kids? Or, perhaps have you had some bad dating experiences? If so, do you think this might be affecting the way you're reading things?

Yours in Christ,
- Topher

 

[iraasuup]

What if there aren't any kids involved?

What if she/he is widowed and not divorced?

What if he/she is widowed with kids?

Just something I thought I'd throw out there...

 

[star_gazer]

Seriously, I was not trying to be mean....and I am not in the least bit angered by her post. I can somtiems come off harsher in written word than I do in person. Tone helps to temper direct words at times and tonality os lost in text. I apologize if that is the case in this instance.

I have seen this thinking from men and women. It makes no sense... it is not based in reality, it is not based in scripture and it is not based in love. It is based in television media and a widespread lie htat children are a burden. Kids want to be loved. That's all. They do NOT "hate" the new partner if the person treats them with love and respect no matter what is going on with the parents. Sure, they may act out and say "I hate you." All kids do that. It is a natural part of learnign to set boundaries. Her question is based in fear, but I do nto beleive, from the way it was posted and presented that it is a feaer of dealing with children. That is just my assessment. Therefore I tried to present her with a clear picture of how I percieved what she was saying and points that she may wish to consider.

This is absolutely worldly thinking. Jesus spoke specifically about children in the way he did to ensure they were not rejected in this fashion.

Me personally, I find it a benefit when people post they do not want to be in a relationship with someone who has kids because then I know that is one less person to consider. It is a person who is not at a place in their walk with God that would benefit my children and me. So it does not hurt my feeligns in the least. Even the best kids can be irrascible. But someone who is dead set in the idea that kids are a burden are people I would not want anywhere near my kids, even in a friendship. Becaseu they do not view children as a gift.

My point ChristopherMichael is that she needs to examine where this attitude and belief system is coming from. Often a dislike or fear of meeting the needs of children, especially young children is directly related to early childhood trauma. But whatever evil Satan arranged to inflict on someoen as a child, God can correct.

I hope that helps you understand where I am coming from!And I certainly understand your desire to shield her from criticism, that is very gentlemanly of you! God Bless!

 

[ChristopherMichael]

What if there aren't any kids involved?

I usually still stay clear, because of #1, possible baggage from the ex. Also, because most divorcees I've met didn't separate in line with biblical principles, and as such we'd be walking into adultery.

What if she/he is widowed and not divorced?
What if he/she is widowed with kids?

If she's widowed without kids, the only caution I have is watching out to make sure she's not rebounding, and the standard baggage check. I've only met a couple of widows though, and been sorta interested in just one. Not really a wide base to go off of.

Good questions!

 

[iraasuup]

I usually still stay clear, because of #1, possible baggage from the ex. Also, because most divorcees I've met didn't separate in line with biblical principles, and as such we'd be walking into adultery.


If she's widowed without kids, the only caution I have is watching out to make sure she's not rebounding, and the standard baggage check. I've only met a couple of widows though, and been sorta interested in just one. Not really a wide base to go off of.

Good questions!

LOL thanks!

Just thought I'd throw those out there. It seems we tend to forget that people can find themselves in the 'single again' bracket for a number of reasons, but somehow we automatically assume divorce.

Oh and.. what if she is widowed with kids?? You didn't answer that one

Just an observation.

 

[ChristopherMichael]

I have seen this thinking from men and women. It makes no sense... it is not based in reality, it is not based in scripture and it is not based in love. It is based in television media and a widespread lie that[sic] children are a burden. Kids want to be loved. That's all. They do NOT "hate" the new partner if the person treats them with love and respect no matter what is going on with the parents. Sure, they may act out and say "I hate you." All kids do that. It is a natural part of learning[sic] to set boundaries.

Not true! My sisters and I actively conspired to keep my dad from remarrying. I wound up almost drowning the lady that wound up becoming my stepmom. We didn't want her, or her love, in our lives. My sisters are grown up now, and still dislike my stepmom, even though I've come to know her as the most awesome and Godly woman ever.

We also didn't like our half-brother when he was born, and one of my sisters still doesn't like him, even though she's an adult now and should be past that nonsense. So yeah, my poor stepmom is going on 10-12ish years of strife and pain to be with my dad. That's one reason why a lot of people (myself included) don't usually want to date people with kids.

I hope that helps you understand where I am coming from!And I certainly understand your desire to shield her from criticism, that is very gentlemanly of you!

I'm not shielding anyone. I just disagree with your premises, and think that you're mistaken about people's motives.

- Topher

 

[ChristopherMichael]

Sorry for hijacking your thread Kyra!