Dating People With Kids & An Ex

[princessdeb4111962]

Well, as it so happens I dated a girl with a kid, though part of her situation was a little different, she had been married young, really young, and shortly after getting married became pregnant. she had her little boy, and 3 months after his birth her husband was killed in a car accident. I met them about a year and a half later at church. and actually I met her son before her technically. I had seen her around, she seemed nice and she seemed like a good mom and one day at church he needed to use the restroom but did not want to go in the girls bathroom as he isn't a girl. I happened to begin my entrance into the mens room and she asked if i might be willing to take him in with me, I agreed and emerged a few mins later with him clean hands and all. several months later we officially were dating. Today she and I are no longer dating, and really no longer talking at all. she decided one morning out of the blue that not only did she no longer want me in her life, but she also no longer wanted to be a mom. I have since adopted Caleb and am raising him on my own. he is 3 now, and is smart, funny, and very happy. So in answer to your question, the risks are great, but sometimes the gains make it all worthwhile. I wouldn't trade having Caleb in my life for anything.

wow what a story
so r u dating anyone now,if not,do u have a hard time dating with ur son Caleb?How old were u when u adopted him?ur only 20 now lol.what a blessing God gave u.It was all in His plan,Praise God,what a testamony,thanks for sharing it cheesemonkey lol I wonder what Caleb would do when he hears what God had done for him,with blessing him w/u as his father.

 

[grace]

Kyra.....this thread has been on my mind ALL day. lol

I have to say that I have been more than a bit surprised at some of the responses from some of the men. Encouraging to say the least! I acctually find it impressive that you all are not fully looking on the *negative* that most would look on and see all the wonderful things that could be.

On the flip-side.....I had been wondering if any of you from divorced (split) homes would like to share your experiences of how you felt when your parent(s) dated, and/or re-married?
Obviously this is a topic of interest for me personally. I have often wondered ifwhen I enter the dating world again how I would deal with that with my children etc. When you were kids...how did it feel. What was the family like when your mom/dad got married again etc.

Thanks in advance for your posts.

(Kyra...good thread girl! )

 

[ChristopherMichael]

On the flip-side.....I had been wondering if any of you from divorced (split) homes would like to share your experiences of how you felt when your parent(s) dated, and/or re-married?
Obviously this is a topic of interest for me personally. I have often wondered if when[sic] I enter the dating world again how I would deal with that with my children etc. When you were kids...how did it feel. What was the family like when your mom/dad got married again etc.

My mother is on her fourth husband, and my father is on his third wife. I think I'm pretty qualified to speak on this. I'll go ahead and stick with ordered lists, since that seems to be the thread trend.

Hardest things about the whole parental dating/remarrying process, in order
1. Breakups. When they go bad, it's terrible. Finding a ton of angsty voicemails from some guy on the answering machine after school sucks. Especially if they're full of profanity and such.
2. Dating. Dating is so awkward! Coming home to find your mom snuggling with some guy on the couch is just really weird. Then, if they stay together for a while, there's the whole awkward thing with trying to be nice to the guy, but not trying to get to close, in case he leaves. Also, it's rough having to cook, clean, and care for your siblings while your parents are out.
3. Dealing with friends. If you live in a small town or close neighborhood, chances are that some of your parents dating partners might have kids your age, or close. Makes school weird.
4. Remarriage ceremonies. Few things are as bad or as weird as giving your mother away at her fourth wedding. I mean, seriously. The absurdity of it all rattles the foundations of your mind.

The best advice I can give, which would have helped out my life amazingly, is as follows
1. Don't bring your kids into the dating process until it's super serious. Don't bring dates home, or use you kids to screen people asking "What do you think of him/her?". Asking them for feedback on your outfits is also not cool. My sisters and I all just wanted to be our mom's kids, not her BFFs/matchmakers.
2. Keep our lives normal! Kids of single/divorced parents just want their lives to be like the other kids from stable families. So do what you can to make this the case. This kind of follows up on #1. Leaving us to care for each other while you're out at the bar is lame. Get a babysitter or send us to someone's house for the weekend. Taking us out on dates with some guy or girl you're dating is not normal. Giving you away at a wedding is not normal.
3. Don't force the relationship down our necks. My sisters and I just wanted to be left alone. If your kids already have a dad, then they already have a dad. If they don't, then they don't. If they would like that to change, they'll change it on their own by reaching out to make a relationship. Being receptive is one thing, instructing them to call someone "Dad", or lecturing them for not seeming interested in the person is another. Your children might not ever take to your new partner. Or, they might take a long time to come around. Like I mentioned earlier, I almost drowned my stepmother by throwing her in a pool (when she can't swim). Now I think she's the greatest. Took about four years for that change to take place.

Good question. It sounds like you care for your kids.

- Topher

 

[ChristopherMichael]

What? How'd my post jump above Kyra's and zero's? And how's Kyra's post a day ahead; in the future? Wild.

Edit: Gah, just did it again! Oh well. Readers -- In your minds, move both of my posts down two spaces. Then you'll be good.

 

[MahogonySnail]

You older ladies could always consider dating younger men.

What's the rule of thumb, half your age plus 7? So that puts a lady who is 32 can date someone 23 years and older.

I think a few younger guys that age are facing the situation that women their age are dating older men in their 30's. That seems to be the trend these days.

 

[grace]

My post jumped above theirs too.....some glitch I guess.

 

[dustin]

my mom had 5 boys when she meet my step dad nad he had a son too they been marreid 8 yera had 2 more kids toegther and yes there is 8 of us know 7 boys 1 girl

 

[Ronny]

What should a guy do if he fell in love with a girl a week after meeting her and wasn't a Christian and she was and still decided to have premarital relations. Her having a daughter already, I still didn't hesitate to get to know them. I soon became "daddy". Later my daughter was born (now 1yrs old) and she decides to break up with me. Now she won't allow me to see her daughter, just our one yr old. What do I do? I don't know if this is permanent either.

Ronny

 

[zeroturbulence]

I have to say that I find women who have children to be more mature and easier to get along with than single women without kids, and this makes them more attractive to me. I have met several single moms in the past that I would have loved to have dated but they either had boyfriends or I considered them "out of my league" and didnt bother to ask them out (I was still in my early twenties and did not have any money or anything). I have a lot of respect for single moms. Raising a child on their own is a tough job. In the end it makes them much more mature, responsible, caring people. Note that I am NOT saying that women without kids cant be all those things, but single moms tend to be those things by default almost.

I dated a couple of women who had children and they were the most loving, mature, insightful and compassionate women I ever dated. It didnt work out for either one but NOT because they had kids. I had moved to a different city which made it very difficult to continue seeing the one, and well I found out that the other woman's ex-boyfriend and father of her daughter was serving time. For me that was a deal breaker unfortunately. If I had been christian then, I may have accepted it.

I actually HOPE to meet a woman who is a single mom because at my age, having a child of my own is risky (biologically speaking) and frankly I wouldn't mind skipping the whole the diaper-changing, up-all-night phase of parenting. But I have always wanted to have kids, and at this stage of life I wish I had a kid more than ever.

So don't give up hope ladies! There are men like me out there who would love to meet you and don't see your children as a "risk" or a disadvantage at all.

gabriel

 

[Kyra]

Topher: no worries, we're cool.

Star_Gazer: I think you have misunderstood what I have written. I can honestly say that my concerns come from real life experience not TV or strange fears. Every concern I listed I can back up with real life experience.

The true purpose of this post was to hear what others had to say. I was hoping people would respond with their own experiences and share wisdom and understanding they have gained in similar experiences.

For example someone might respond by saying,( addressing point 1)I'm a single dad and I never have had any problems with my ex wife, she is reasonable and sane and everything works out fine between the ladies I date and my ex. So for me it's not a problem. Or maybe someone might say,I'm a single mom and when I date men I make sure I am the main person who communicates between my ex-husband and my boyfriend to avoid any problems. etc.

Please know I was not trying to personally attack you or anyone else with this post. I have deep respect for single parents and I am a big fan of kids. If you think that I am lying, irrational or harboring devious motives in any way then we will have to disagree and I will leave it at that.

 

[Appleannie09]

Personally I'm super glad that Jesus saved me just on time. Because now I see things clear and through Jesus eyes.
We all make mistakes but just like the young girl who has saved herself for marriage so can a woman who has 3 0r 4 kids.
It's a personal decision very similar to coffee you like it bold or with sugar and cream. The same for a partner, some might want
their partner single, christian, no added baggage or some would prefer a partner christian, kids, extra drama. It all depends I think God knows our hearts very well that he will provide us with the right companion for all of us according to our needs and desires.

 

[star_gazer]

I usually still stay clear, because of #1, possible baggage from the ex. Also, because most divorcees I've met didn't separate in line with biblical principles, and as such we'd be walking into adultery.


If she's widowed without kids, the only caution I have is watching out to make sure she's not rebounding, and the standard baggage check. I've only met a couple of widows though, and been sorta interested in just one. Not really a wide base to go off of.

Good questions!

Wow, again just wow. You really are incapable of hearing yourself talk at this point in your life.

You are clearly very young Christopher Michael. And the comments you are making are indicative of your age and lack of life experience. You and Kyra seem to have a lot in common in the stories you watch on televison rather than based on real life.

If a person divorced in sin and became a Christian then your judgemental dismissal of them is a deception that you have created not one of Biblical accuracy. I imagine your pride is very very overwhelming to those you meet. IF you are capable of ministering to ANYONE or leading ANYONE to Christ with such a flippant and cruel disregard, I would be surprised. Brother, let me advise you to root yourself in scripture and not in PRIDE.

The level of judgemental disregard born in your statements against the very core value of others based on their having children and being widowed or divorced is not simply atrocious, it is sadistically cruel and unfeeling, NOT loving as demanded by Christ. So I guess no tax collectors or sinners should expect and invite to YOUR and Kyra's dinner tables.

I have a feeling God is going to be knock some sense into the both of you. In the interim, just realize, as long as you think in these unGodly way you are the one who will suffer in your relationships not those singles who are divorced. I will pray for you both to come to understanding such that God does not have to thunk you in the head too many times to reach through this hardened and harsh false accusation of people who may need your love and acceptance. Pride will destroy YOU and separate you from God. The sin they committed prior to becoming Christians will not longer affect them.

God bless you and keep you.

 

[ChristopherMichael]

star_gazer: Seems like you're being kind of defensive, and projecting a lot of outside feelings and emotions on to what people are saying. I think if you were to separate those feelings, and read again what I wrote, it probably wouldn't seem as bad. As for me "judgmentally dismissing" people, below are the biblical passages I use when determining if someone has separated from their spouse in line with biblical principles. (FYI: All are from the ESV translation.)

Malachi 2:16
“For the man who hates and divorces, says the LORD, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”

Matthew 5:31-32
“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

1 Corinthians 7:8-9
8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

1 Corinthians 7:10-16
"10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you [2] to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"

Thus quoted, I think the biblical principles outlined above can be summarized as follows.
1. Don't divorce! It's not cool.
2. In the direst of circumstances, the following circumstances may warrant a divorce.
- A pattern of unrepentant cheating and sexual misconduct. Cheating once probably doesn't cut it.
- If you both married when you were unsaved, and your spouse leaves because you became saved, you're no longer bound to them.
3. If you marry someone who divorced, but doesn't meet the criteria outlined in #2, you are making them commit adultery.
4. If you divorce because of one of the reasons in #2, you can remarry.

All that seems pretty clear cut to me. For the other situations that aren't covered above, I think you can still try to apply the same principles. This is just my take on these cases though, not God's.

1. If you married in sin, divorced in sin, and became saved, I think you should should try to save your marriage with your last spouse. That goes in line with the guidance to not divorce, and to stay with your unchristian spouse if possible.

- Topher

 

[seoulsearch]

Kyra,

I can COMPLETELY, TOTALLY relate to what you are saying in this thread (I've posted a few threads about this a while back if you're ever bored and care to look them up, ha!) So I apologize if I sound like a broken record.

I received a lot of criticism myself because I never thought I'd date someone with kids (for pretty much all the same reasons you stated.) So, when someone came along who had two boys, 18 mo. and 2 years old, and kept pursuing me... I listened to my friends and decided to "keep an open mind."

The situation was very tragic/unique in that the mother had died a year before I ever entered into the picture. Her parents were in the middle of trying to claim that he had murdered her... Yes, the situation was not good from the get-go. But the friends I was around (all single moms themselves) told me I was basically being a Christian snob and should give him a chance.

Three horrible years later... the kids--wonderful. The father--a nightmare (severe alcoholic... I kept trying to break up with him but he would pretty much start stalking me...) Dealing with the birth mother's parents--not pleasant, but not as awful as it could have been.

The best thing about that relationship was the kids. But I basically became a single parent to them because the father (who was working when I met him) saw that he had a responsible woman taking care of his children... and quit work to drink full-time. Even from the start, he was dropping his kids off at my house, expecting me to watch them... calling and telling me I needed to pick them up from daycare because he'd been drinking... It was horrible. And I stayed... because of the kids.

One of my favorite memories is of Alex (the older boy) asking me when he was about four years old, "Kim, why does God love us?" He had spent the afternoon playing with Legos... I said a quick prayer (for wisdom!!!) and told him, "Well honey... you know how you built that car with your Legos? That's kind of what God is like with us... He builds us from the inside out, and knows each part He puts together to make us... so we are something He creates with His very own hands... and He feels very close to us because He made us Himself."

But in the end... I saw that God had provided means for the kids to be taken care of and could not handle dealing with someone who started drinking the moment he got up in the morning until he basically passed out at night. When I left, I wanted to keep in touch with them but could not because of the father (he used it as an excuse to show up at my house, call me constantly, and try to wait for me where I worked.) I still see the boys every now and then where I work and they still come up and give me hugs.

It breaks my heart because I couldn't explain to them why I had to leave the relationship... I didn't know how... and I beg God on a regular basis to please not ever let them think it was something they did that caused me to leave.

Ironically--one of the girls who had criticized me for originally being so reluctant about dating someone with children has two girls of her own and is engaged to a man with five kids (three different mothers)... and his last ex treats her TERRIBLY, calling her racist names, cutting her down, and constantly doing everything she can to badger my friend.

My friend has declared that if their relationship should break apart, she will NEVER again date someone with kids... even though she has two of her own.

Your concerns are definitely legitimate. And I myself was never good with kids... my two brothers were always awesome with them, and I figured, that's them and not me.

But I guess God enlarges your heart to the situation you find yourself in (granted, I don't think God wanted me to get into that relationship in the first place, mainly because of the father's addictions, but He sure did give me more than my fair share of grace and mercy during that time.)

Hang in there, girl!! I have two guy friends (ages 28 and 34) who do not have children... one was married... one is now dating someone... but, don't lose hope! I'm in the same boat as you so I'll be praying for you.

My own conclusion for myself is... God, whoever you choose for me... and His family. Just please make my heart what it needs to be to love him and anyone else involved.

God Bless, everyone!

 

[Kyra]

Seoulsearch you rock!
I bet you the investment you made in the lives of those children will last a lifetime. I have a guy friend who had a similar experiece to you in that he starting dating this woman and completely bonded with her son. Then he realized the woman was not the one for him, but he had a hard time breaking up because of the little boy. To this day, he still talks about how he misses the little boy.

My other friend had the opposite experience she married a guy with this little girl. He was actually a widower and the little girl had a ton of anger over the death of her mother, (completely understandable) but what ensued was not pretty. The guy she married had a ton of anger too, in general, and it was a rough marriage to say the least. Amazingly enough my friend is a godly woman and stuck it out, *years* later the girl came around and is now at least respectful.

Anyways, all that to say, I completely get where you are coming from and thanks for the post. May God bring about the rock-solid men He has for us .

 

[J0Y]

Seoulsearch you rock!

Anyways, all that to say, I completely get where you are coming from and thanks for the post. May God bring about the rock-solid men He has for us .

JOY: agrees that Seoulsearch is a legend!!!
JOY ALSO LOOKS FORWARD TO A ROCK-SOLID MAN....and no, Im not talkin Abs here! lol

 

[grace]

I think when it come to being a single parent and dating.....you (and the people you potentially date), have got to realize you are a package deal.

I, personally do not think it is fair to anyone involved (mostly the children) to involved them with someone unless the two of you have worked it out....talked about it a lot...(pros, cons etc etc).

It is a LOT. I get that. If I start dating again...I am not in it just for me....if I was then I could have been through a whole string of dates by now. When

I submit it all to prayer and trust that God know what is best for me, my children, and any future signifigant others out there.

 

[seoulsearch]

JOY: agrees that Seoulsearch is a legend!!!
JOY ALSO LOOKS FORWARD TO A ROCK-SOLID MAN....and no, Im not talkin Abs here! lol

HA HA HA!!!

No, JOY and Kyra--it's YOU GALS who ROCK!!

You really made me laugh and smile today, thank you.

My sincere prayer is that we will find whom God has for us... and be able to give our testimonies here on CC... so that we can tell everyone else out there who is also waiting that yes, it may take a LLLOOOONNNGG time (and sometimes a lot of mistakes), but God WILL answer.

Love to all who are out there waiting...

K.

 

[J0Y]

Aww Kim, u are great!

He BETTER be worth it....i havent waited for the 35 yrs of my life for nuthin!hahaha...
All in Gods time....he must be pretty darn awesome by now if God is still preparing him for us then huh!?

And Grace, you are beautiful!! I know a guy who has been happily married for 10 years to a woman he met who had 4 children from a previous marriage. Didnt phase him in the slightest! They now have 6 kids! Us sistas gunna have some great guys in our future!! AMEN!! lol

 

[Eya]

Wow this is so touching. MAY GOD BLESS YOU!