Lonlieness sucks

[Alexandra17]

Tomorrow is my birthday, here is my story. People call me fat, ugly, gross, ect. Lately I have been struggling with everything it seems like. I am attempting Full I.B. for those who do not know what that is, it stands for International Baccalaureate, the hardest educational program in the United States of America. I am struggling. Over the summer my boyfriend cheated on me then dumped me after two years. I actually said I love you to him. I feel this need like I am really lonely and I want a boyfriend. I am tired of being lonely.. this was last year summer. I have waited for God and I am getting that urge to take it into my own hands. The last month has been a real struggle for me, I found out I have 5 more siblings from my biological father that are currently living in the metro area. My sister is engaged and just set her wedding date for next summer. I go to church every Sunday and group every Monday. I have cried myself to sleep lately, isn't that pathetic? I am tired of waiting I want / need a boyfriend soon. I want to look for my potential husband, I want to be able to cuddle with him on nights and watch movies and go to church with him, ect. If you are still reading for this thank you I guess, and yea i know this sound completely creepy. I am just tired of being lonely.

 

[Ringer]

Hey...
I'll be praying for you.

 

[Ugly]

Well, here's the catch. The last thing you need is a relationship. You are equating happiness and fulfillment with dating and marriage. And as a result of this attitude, you will not be in a successful relationship. Dating and marriage are about self sacrifice, not getting our needs met. Its about what you give, what you put into it and into the other person, not what the person can do for you. You are going to approach every relationship as needy, clingy, desperate and looking to that person to fill some part of you that he cannot fill, should not be expected to, and was not made to.
Dating has become and idol that you worship. If your security, self worth and happiness if expected to be found in another person, you will be a miserable person all your life.
To approach relationships you first need to be happy with yourself. Relationship or not. Without that, your motivations and expectations for every relationship will be wrong, and will cause them to fail. Or will cause you to enter into a relationship so blindly you will miss the warning signs of a person who is bad for you. You are setting yourself up to be hurt. And possibly be a victim. And to be this desperate at your age makes it even worse. You aren't even old enough to marry, yet here you are basing your entire self worth on finding someone to marry.
I'm sorry, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Finding your self worth and contentment in God, not in marriage, dating, spouses, boyfriends or other people. God did not put us on this planet to make each other happy. It is not our job, and it is not fair to expect that of anyone.

I'm not trying to be mean, nor am i putting you down. I'm just telling you the truth. What you need to hear before you make a mistake and ruin your life. I'm sure you have many good traits. And once you become secure in yourself, through God, you can let those positive traits shine and attract a decent Godly man and have a relationship with him the way God intended. But, unfortunately, that time is not now, you are not ready.

 

[colalella2891]

I'm not trying to sound rude, because I get lonely a lot too. But a boyfriend is not the most important thing...

Nobody can satisfy like God can. A boyfriend may seem like the best thing in the world right now, but they're set up for disappointment. No relationship will satisfy without God at the center of it, and right now that's who you need to be focusing on. God.

And you're only 16 years old... You're so young... You have your whole entire life to find a guy. You have to trust God to bring him into your life at the right time, instead of looking for one yourself. Stop looking for a boyfriend, and focus on God.

Now once again, i'm not trying to put down how you're feeling, because we all get this way at some point. We all feel lonely sometimes. But that's when you have to look to God. He loves you more than any guy ever will, and He's constantly thinking about you. All the time. Even when it doesn't feel like He's there, He is. So look to Him.

 

[Ringer]

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the two posters above me.

Not on principle or on logic, but on the fact that sometimes a person is geared to want or desire different things with different intensities. What might seem like the "logical" answer isn't always the "right" answer.

Sure the easy answer to give someone is "this isn't your time yet, you need to do this or that," but if you go through that loneliness, and truly understand it, you realize that nothing that you do or say is going to work to get someone out of it. Wanting a boyfriend, or wanting there to be someone is basically saying "I don't know what to do in my life and I need help."

It's just a transpiring of feelings against one's self esteem. Telling someone who is struggling they are doing something wrong is not getting to the root of the problem. The root of the problem is self-esteem and the desire to stand up and do things on their own.

Loneliness is the desire to be understood, not the desire to be told what one should be doing.
And the dire problem is:

In all honesty:
None of us really understand each other.

I'll continue praying for you Alexandra, I hope you feel better.

 

[AprilAngel]

Tomorrow is my birthday, here is my story. People call me fat, ugly, gross, ect. Lately I have been struggling with everything it seems like. I am attempting Full I.B. for those who do not know what that is, it stands for International Baccalaureate, the hardest educational program in the United States of America. I am struggling. Over the summer my boyfriend cheated on me then dumped me after two years. I actually said I love you to him. I feel this need like I am really lonely and I want a boyfriend. I am tired of being lonely.. this was last year summer. I have waited for God and I am getting that urge to take it into my own hands. The last month has been a real struggle for me, I found out I have 5 more siblings from my biological father that are currently living in the metro area. My sister is engaged and just set her wedding date for next summer. I go to church every Sunday and group every Monday. I have cried myself to sleep lately, isn't that pathetic? I am tired of waiting I want / need a boyfriend soon. I want to look for my potential husband, I want to be able to cuddle with him on nights and watch movies and go to church with him, ect. If you are still reading for this thank you I guess, and yea i know this sound completely creepy. I am just tired of being lonely.

I can tell you from experience you do not and should not need a boyfriend to keep or make you happy. You are a daughter of Christ, we are called to be His Bride before anyone elses. If this boy left you and cheated after two years, you can do better and you should really focus more on God put him first not this false idol of a boyfriend, cause honestly thats what it is when you think only a man will make you happy, that man is a idol to you. Only God should be. Take this time to focus on your relationship with God first. You're only 16, mature and grow in Christ and if it is His Will, He will place someone in your life at the right time to help you be a better you, not degrade you and defile the unity by lusting and cheating with other women.

praying.

 

[Ugly]

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the two posters above me.

Not on principle or on logic, but on the fact that sometimes a person is geared to want or desire different things with different intensities. What might seem like the "logical" answer isn't always the "right" answer.

Sure the easy answer to give someone is "this isn't your time yet, you need to do this or that," but if you go through that loneliness, and truly understand it, you realize that nothing that you do or say is going to work to get someone out of it. Wanting a boyfriend, or wanting there to be someone is basically saying "I don't know what to do in my life and I need help."

It's just a transpiring of feelings against one's self esteem. Telling someone who is struggling they are doing something wrong is not getting to the root of the problem. The root of the problem is self-esteem and the desire to stand up and do things on their own.

Loneliness is the desire to be understood, not the desire to be told what one should be doing.
And the dire problem is:

In all honesty:
None of us really understand each other.

I'll continue praying for you Alexandra, I hope you feel better.

Well, we've all been lonely. So we do understand. And because we understand, that is the basis for what we are saying. Encouraging someone who has low self esteem to find happiness in another human is not going to help their esteem. Its only going to ruin it more, either by not being able to find anyone, or picking the wrong person because they can't see clearly enough to make a wise decision.

And before you assume i don't understand. I know firsthand about low self esteem. I have battled it, literally, all my life. I have memories as young as 4 years old and thinking i am less than the people around me. So i know. And i also remember the times in my life where i was desperate to find someone. Where i was lonely. And the only thing that did was cause me to rush into relationship i should have known better than to enter, and end up heart broken. So i didn't give her advice from ignorance, i gave her advice from my experience. And my experience lines up with others that i've talked to who have had the same battles and/or made the same mistakes. So, yes, loneliness is the perfect time to give instruction, because that instruction may be the very thing that prevents a person from entering a situation that will only serve to reinforce their already low self esteem.

 

[Ringer]

Well, we've all been lonely. So we do understand. And because we understand, that is the basis for what we are saying. Encouraging someone who has low self esteem to find happiness in another human is not going to help their esteem. Its only going to ruin it more, either by not being able to find anyone, or picking the wrong person because they can't see clearly enough to make a wise decision.

And before you assume i don't understand. I know firsthand about low self esteem. I have battled it, literally, all my life. I have memories as young as 4 years old and thinking i am less than the people around me. So i know. And i also remember the times in my life where i was desperate to find someone. Where i was lonely. And the only thing that did was cause me to rush into relationship i should have known better than to enter, and end up heart broken. So i didn't give her advice from ignorance, i gave her advice from my experience. And my experience lines up with others that i've talked to who have had the same battles and/or made the same mistakes. So, yes, loneliness is the perfect time to give instruction, because that instruction may be the very thing that prevents a person from entering a situation that will only serve to reinforce their already low self esteem.

Hey now, I'm not assuming people have "similar experiences."
I'm basically stating a fact that what each person goes through is unique.

God created each of us as unique individuals, just like everyone else we are different even if we have the same DNA (there are identical twins with different personalities).

I'm noting the fact that in truth: as individuals, we can't fully understand what each of us is going through. The assumption that one can understand is usually a method of quieting the other party from getting what they want to say off their chest. Most people, even when they are sad and depressed perk up when others listen to them even if they are non-empathetic and non-sympathetic.

Advice is something offered when asked.
The only question I saw asked is when she asked if what she was doing was pathetic.

I'm not saying you don't have great advice to offer, most of what you wrote is spot on and good, but I am saying that sometimes some people just aren't ready for that advice.

 

[thecreationtutor]

Well, here's the catch. The last thing you need is a relationship. You are equating happiness and fulfillment with dating and marriage. And as a result of this attitude, you will not be in a successful relationship. Dating and marriage are about self sacrifice, not getting our needs met. Its about what you give, what you put into it and into the other person, not what the person can do for you. You are going to approach every relationship as needy, clingy, desperate and looking to that person to fill some part of you that he cannot fill, should not be expected to, and was not made to.
Dating has become and idol that you worship. If your security, self worth and happiness if expected to be found in another person, you will be a miserable person all your life.
To approach relationships you first need to be happy with yourself. Relationship or not. Without that, your motivations and expectations for every relationship will be wrong, and will cause them to fail. Or will cause you to enter into a relationship so blindly you will miss the warning signs of a person who is bad for you. You are setting yourself up to be hurt. And possibly be a victim. And to be this desperate at your age makes it even worse. You aren't even old enough to marry, yet here you are basing your entire self worth on finding someone to marry.
I'm sorry, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Finding your self worth and contentment in God, not in marriage, dating, spouses, boyfriends or other people. God did not put us on this planet to make each other happy. It is not our job, and it is not fair to expect that of anyone.

I'm not trying to be mean, nor am i putting you down. I'm just telling you the truth. What you need to hear before you make a mistake and ruin your life. I'm sure you have many good traits. And once you become secure in yourself, through God, you can let those positive traits shine and attract a decent Godly man and have a relationship with him the way God intended. But, unfortunately, that time is not now, you are not ready.

Totally agree - and if you belong to God - sometimes He will give us what we had to have, and then we find out we hate what we had to have

 

[Ugly]

People may be unique, but mostly the situations we go through are basically the same.

And i find it rather funny you're trying to somehow put me in a bad light for giving advice that wasn't asked for. But, in the same post giving me advice on how i should and shouldn't respond. I don't remember asking you to. Did that stop you? Nope.

I am done with this. Not only is it ridiculous that you are trying to put people down for caring enough to help someone. Now this is causing this poor girls thread to be hijacked by some silly debate that you should not have started to begin with. For the sake of the OP i will not respond to you again and continue hijacking her thread.

 

[Trudes]

I do understand the desire to have a boyfriend so that don’tfeel alone. You probably see your friendswith their boyfriends and when you watch your favorite television shows everyonehas a boy-friend or a girl-friend. Whatyou don’t see is the truth. There are lotsof teenage mothers out there who wish they could go back in time to being 16 again. They would choose not to have a boyfriend butinstead focus on their studies in school. Many girls get pregnant and have to drop out of school to supportthemselves and their baby. Sometimes theboyfriend finds another girl to move onto because, after all, he is young andnot married. The thing is at 16,boyfriend/girlfriend comes, and boyfriend/girlfriend goes. That is just a part of life.

Also, when boyfriendsand girlfriends have sex they often get too emotionally involved. So when they break up, the pain of the breakup hurt very much. When I was 16, Ihonestly didn’t care too much about boyfriends and I told myself that I was notgoing to have sex with them because I didn’t want to be the one emotionally hurt.

I can’t tell you how many times people tell me they wishthey would go back to being a teenager again, because they would do everythingdifferently. They would not bother withboyfriend, but would focus on their books so they can have a successful careerand a happier life in the future. Mostof my friends would agree, the boys we like when we were 16, those same guys wewould not date today. You will see thatas you grow older your interest in type of boys you like today willchange. Unfortunately, so many youngpeople rush into marriage because they believe they are so in love, only todivorce soon after. Now this is painful.They later realized that they didn’t really get to know themselves or theirspouse.

This is the time you can work on yourself, improve what youdon’t like about yourself. Spend time withpositive friends and family. Develop ahobby to do during your fee time (ex. join a sports team at your school). If you work hard today in school, your lifewill be much easier 10 years from now. Thereis also a good chance you might meet your future husband in college and youboth would be ready to have successful career and a great future together.

 

[Trudes]

Also please remember that God loves you and that you are beautiful and special to him. We all get hurt at times. Guys get hurt, and girls get hurt. It is okay to cry. For me, after I cry I usually feel much better and would forget why I was so upset for in the first place. When we fall down, we just have to dust ourselves off and learn from our mistakes. You will be okay. Read your bible and spend time loving Jesus, becasue He is the only one that truly loves us and wants the best for us. He is not going to use us and hurt us.

 

[Yahshua]

Tomorrow is my birthday, here is my story. People call me fat, ugly, gross, ect. Lately I have been struggling with everything it seems like. I am attempting Full I.B. for those who do not know what that is, it stands for International Baccalaureate, the hardest educational program in the United States of America. I am struggling. Over the summer my boyfriend cheated on me then dumped me after two years. I actually said I love you to him. I feel this need like I am really lonely and I want a boyfriend. I am tired of being lonely.. this was last year summer. I have waited for God and I am getting that urge to take it into my own hands. The last month has been a real struggle for me, I found out I have 5 more siblings from my biological father that are currently living in the metro area. My sister is engaged and just set her wedding date for next summer. I go to church every Sunday and group every Monday. I have cried myself to sleep lately, isn't that pathetic? I am tired of waiting I want / need a boyfriend soon. I want to look for my potential husband, I want to be able to cuddle with him on nights and watch movies and go to church with him, ect. If you are still reading for this thank you I guess, and yea i know this sound completely creepy. I am just tired of being lonely.

Happy Birthday tomorrow!

I had to look up I.B. before replying. Sounds nutz! Seems like you need even MORE focus for something like that, not more distractions. It also tells me that to even attempt something like that you have to have a ridiculous mind on you. Way to go! Being (almost) 17.

Yeah I just experience the same thing with my girlfriend just last month...she couldn't be patient and wait for me (but neither could I be patience with God, asking for her prematurely when I clearly had other work to finish). And I also said the words "I love you" (and for me that's pretty serious because I'm an otherwise stoic man). But it can be even more painful for someone still in their teens because it really takes living a few year in adulthood to really "know" yourself and to be comfortable with who you are, but when a significant other is added that early in life, one tends to define oneself only "with" that person. Two years...means you two were together at (almost) 15.

----

We are taught by Christ to give; "give and you will receive".

Luke 6:38

Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

So having the same pain of loneliness, I asked God to heal my heart, and I was led to give what I needed...I needed that hole filled so I began trying to fill it for others (on here and other places offline), and I want to encourage you to do the same. Be the comfort for others who may be feeling lonely (maybe in your church or school, maybe help others who are struggling with the program). Spend your free time being an ear or a word of encouragement to others who need it (this requires you to also study to know some of God's words to share)...and I PROMISE you your loneliness will quickly start to fade because you're doing the will of God; you're treating other how you want to be treated.

Immerse yourself in giving what you need and God will make sure that hole fills very quickly until eventually you're ok.

 

[Ugly]

Tomorrow is my birthday, here is my story. People call me fat, ugly, gross, ect. Lately I have been struggling with everything it seems like. I am attempting Full I.B. for those who do not know what that is, it stands for International Baccalaureate, the hardest educational program in the United States of America. I am struggling. Over the summer my boyfriend cheated on me then dumped me after two years. I actually said I love you to him. I feel this need like I am really lonely and I want a boyfriend. I am tired of being lonely.. this was last year summer. I have waited for God and I am getting that urge to take it into my own hands. The last month has been a real struggle for me, I found out I have 5 more siblings from my biological father that are currently living in the metro area. My sister is engaged and just set her wedding date for next summer. I go to church every Sunday and group every Monday. I have cried myself to sleep lately, isn't that pathetic? I am tired of waiting I want / need a boyfriend soon. I want to look for my potential husband, I want to be able to cuddle with him on nights and watch movies and go to church with him, ect. If you are still reading for this thank you I guess, and yea i know this sound completely creepy. I am just tired of being lonely.

I was thinking, also, perhaps these people are jealous of you? You're obviously a very intelligent young lady. People these days are not quick to show admiration, but rather want to seek to destroy what they wish they had.
And, having seen someone else comment on seeing your picture, i decided to see for myself. I feel pretty certain these people are just bullies and don't have any real reason for what they're saying other than to tear people down. I couldn't tell much from the picture, but i would not have thought fat, ugly or gross. Don't let shallow, insecure idiots who need to put people down so they feel better get to you. Be proud of who you are. And if they don't like it they can stick it... uhh... somewhere dark. Don't let satan get a foothold in your life or thoughts and bring down what God has built up in you.

Far as your boyfriend. You're 16. Most guys at that age, well, people, male and female, are immature. Though there are some relationships that last from meeting each other at a young age, the reality is, its not common. If you're dating at this age you can pretty much expect it to not last.

Lastly, you sound neither pathetic, nor creepy. You sound like someone who has some things to work on and to grow spiritually. To learn to be secure in herself as a creation of God. Which puts you squarely in with the rest of us. So, really, you fit right in.

 

[MrDittle]

My birthday is tomorrow too. Happy tomorrow birthday. One thing you must always understand is God's timing is always perfect. We can be impatient. Don't let that rob you of what God wants for you. Believe me sis, YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT!!!!!

 

[rachelsedge]

You sound a lot like me when I was your age. I have a beautiful twin sister who had boys chasing after her all the time. I never had a guy go after me. I compared myself all the time and I always lost, because I always set myself up to do so. I tried to find my security in what other people thought of me and the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend. It's not stable or healthy, to put your self-worth in circumstances. Say you got a boyfriend tomorrow, what then? Would all problems be solved? What if he's having a bad day and you still feel crummy because you're putting all the pressure of making you feel okay onto him? After all, he's only human as well.

It's easier said than done, to be fully content in God. I'm 23 and still have never had a boyfriend, even though I desire to get married. It's very difficult at times, when many of my friends have boyfriends, are engaged, are married. The media, our culture, even churches and other Christians put so much emphasis on singleness or relationships that it's hard not to focus on it so much. However, I am learning more and more to put ALL of my security in Him alone. Everything else WILL change, or let me down at some point in time. He will not.

Having a boyfriend will not add more to your worth. Not having a boyfriend does not make you less valuable. I know that's hard to believe sometimes, I know I myself still think that way (wrongly): "If I had a boyfriend/husband, then I would know that I can be loved. I would know that I am special to someone, to know that I am fully accepted by another person, to have that bond." Those things may be true on the surface level, but on a deeper level, what it's saying is "I am not worth anything now, until I get a boyfriend." And that simply isn't true. You are beautiful and valuable because you are a daughter of God. That is where your value comes from, and that never changes because it will always be true that you are His and He loves you.

ETA: Happy (early) birthday! If you ever want to talk more, PM me. Keep in mind that what I just typed to you are things that I remind myself every day. It's a daily thing. Just last week I posted on here how I was doing so well at being content in my singleness, and then something happened that took me back to square one. The important thing is that you keep growing through it all.

 

[Witness45]

Trust me, I understand. Loneliness does suck. But sometimes it's needed. If not for you, for the potential person in the future.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Sometimes, when we feel like we can't live without something... God takes that very thing from us and teaches us that all we need is HIM.

It's SO important to learn to be happy apart from anything of this world. People fail us. People leave. But Christ is faithful and everlasting. So, our hope must be in HIM. If our hope is in Him, nothing can sway us. We have to have that anchor. It's a hard thing to learn sometimes, but critical to survival in this world.

Pray. Cry out to God. Bare your soul before him. Let your loneliness pour out of you for him to see, and satisfy. You are beautiful. You are cherished. You are precious to the One who redeemed you. You also sound very intelligent and hard-working, which is so much more than most people can lay claim to! Hold your head up high and let your light shine. Surround yourself with friends. And happy birthday!

 

[Alexandra17]

Thank you I really appreciate this but to make sure we are clear:
1.) I am not a teenage mother, the baby in the picture is my cousin.
2.) I am a virgin and will be for a very long time.

Sorry to say that just making sure every one knows I am not a whore because I have gotten that as well.

 

[Ugly]

Thank you I really appreciate this but to make sure we are clear:
1.) I am not a teenage mother, the baby in the picture is my cousin.
2.) I am a virgin and will be for a very long time.

Sorry to say that just making sure every one knows I am not a whore because I have gotten that as well.

I wondered, but didn't presume it was your child. And the word whore never crossed my mind. Or any similar words. Most people on this site are not going to be as hard on you as you are on yourself, or how others have been. And usually those few idiots who do act that way get jumped on so you'll have backup.