How to Respond to Pregnancy Outside of Marriage??

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AmberGardner

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#1
Mkay, so I got along really well with a young manager at work who was 19. Unfortunately, she got pregnant outside of marriage. She doesn't work there anymore but we're friended on facebook and she came to the store yesterday. Love this young lady but I have noooooo idea how to respond to her being pregnant! I can't say congratulations. I can't hell fire her, and wouldn't. Idk what to say at all. She invited me to her baby shower over facebook and I declined as politely as I could after trying to avoid the subject altogether, as if she couldn't tell. How do you respond to those who have had babies outside of wedlock?

I had another incident of a very nice man from Canada who would chat with me sometimes, KNOWING I am a Christian, just pop up in IM with "Guess what. I'm a daddy!!" With his non-wife of course. How Ima respond to that?
 
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Richie_2uk

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#2
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Hi Amber, I can see the frustration you have, and It will be hard. However it was her sin that caused her to be pregnant out of wedlock. So best thing you do, is that you pray to God for guidance, and wisdom and perhaps a word of encouragement. But don't let her sin, break your friendship with her. I know your heart wants to tell her and respond to her and help her understand. But just be there for her through the love of God. Let God deal with her. We all sin, even us Christians, sometimes on purpose knowingly, sometimes by accidental. Let your sin be between God and you, and let other people's sin be between them and God. the more people get involved, even if they think they doing it out of friendship, can probably make things worse for them in the long run. God is our forgiver, ask God to forgive her, and just pray that he will intervene and help her and guide her. Whether she is a Christian or not.
 
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Ugly

Guest
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Congratulate them. You aren't saying 'you had sex, congratulations!'. And if these people aren't Christians why should you hold them to Christian standards? Maybe the baby wasn't conceived in a spiritually right manner. But what do you expect? Do you think you're encouraging them by saying congratulations? They've already done the deed. And probably have done it with many others already. Your declining baby showers or withholding congratulations isn't helping them anymore than doing those things hurts them.
Perhaps they need support more than being treated in a way they may feel looked down on. What do you think her interpretation of your actions are? "Oh, i understand, she doesn't agree with my choices, no big deal"?. Or is she thinking "well, look at who thinks they're holier than thou"? There's a good chance you've hurt her feelings by acting weird and maybe leaving her feeling treated as less than a friend.
 
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MissCris

Guest
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Show her Christ-like love. Point her in the direction of a Christian organization that can help her with acquiring baby items. Invite her to your church. Attend the baby shower, tell her congratulations. Just because she's not done things in the right order doesn't mean she doesn't need the support, and the best support can come from those around her who are Christian, if said Christians are willing. Be willing.
 
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AmberGardner

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#5
#5
James 4:4 You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you,


I guess, being quiet is the best thing I can do. I will not act as if I'm happy she is pregnant outside of wedlock, I will not cut her with the sword if she is unwilling for me to doctor her, but I will be here for her if she needs anything, and will always love her and be glad to see her. And if she marries, that I'll attend.
 
lil_christian

lil_christian

Senior Member
#6
Mar 14, 2010
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It's not something you should take lightly, but it's also not something you should be all like, "You're gonna go to hell!!" and honestly, they may be scared for their lives, scared someone may cut them down with condemnation...give her love, and if she needs something for the baby like clothes or bottles, give them to her. The baby wasn't the sin. And her sins shouldn't define her. Not sure if she's a Christian or not, but if not, I'd pray for her salvation.
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#7
Oct 15, 2012
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AmberGardner said:
James 4:4 You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
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This verse isn't saying not to be friends with people of the world. It's saying not to be friends with the world; to not do what they do.

You don't have to be happy that she sinned. You can, however, support her during her pregnancy and celebrate that there's a new life in this world. Are you going to avoid that child once they're born because they were born out of wedlock? If not, then I see why it's no different during the pregnancy. You don't have to celebrate her sin, but you can still support her as a person and continue praying for her. :)

Another example that shows what I mean: Let's say I have a friend cut his wrists so bad out of depression that he's admitted to a mental hospital. If I went to visit with him and just be his friend, that's not encouraging his sin. That's encouraging him as a person as he deals with the consequences of his sin. Whether or not they are a Christian, support is always encouraging.
 
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seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
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May 23, 2009
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Just food for thought...

Mary, the mother of Jesus, was not technically married when she was pregnant with Jesus. Joseph even considered quietly dissolving the engagement.

How many people were likely to believe that Mary was pregnant with the Son of God? I have read that all His life, Jesus dealt with human rumors about the fact that He was seen as illegitimate and that people whispered who His father might be. (God would have have been people's first choice.)

How would God have wanted us to have treated Mary? I doubt many of us in that time and situation would have believed the truth even if we had been there (His own brothers didn't believe Him; the Scripture quotes His family as telling people that He was out of His mind.)

Amber, I completely admire you for seeking God in this situation. I've been around many unwed parents myself, and I am adopted--I don't know for sure, but I would strongly suspect my parents were not married.

I truly believe God wants us to be compassionate to people--not condoning sin as you wisely point out, but sometimes it's a very long process. Her coming to Christ may have several different components, and having a kind Christian woman to talk to might bring her one step closer to knowing who God is.

In my own case, I've often taken expectant or unwed mothers out to lunch--it's just what I feel God has led me to do--and listened to what they had to say... Their joys, struggles, fears... etc. I them might lead it into, "Were you raised in church at all? Do you ever pray? Do you tell God about the things you're feeling or worried about?" NOT all at once... Sometimes this is a process that takes place over years of knowing the person.

In my experiences, a person will be much more open to what we have to say if we show a genuine interest in who they are and what they're going through--because God does the same with us.

God bless you for approaching this situation in respect to your faith! :)
 
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AmberGardner

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#9
#9
This verse isn't saying not to be friends with people of the world. It's saying not to be friends with the world; to not do what they do.
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That's very true. :) I don't want to condone it either.

Another example that shows what I mean: Let's say I have a friend cut his wrists so bad out of depression that he's admitted to a mental hospital. If I went to visit with him and just be his friend, that's not encouraging his sin. That's encouraging him as a person as he deals with the consequences of his sin. Whether or not they are a Christian, support is always encouraging.
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I think that's a bit different. The desires are different, the causes are different. A person who is suicidal isn't simply acting on a desire to kill themselves but there are underlying reasons including even demonic oppression.
 
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AmberGardner

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#10
#10
Amber, I completely admire you for seeking God in this situation. I've been around many unwed parents myself, and I am adopted--I don't know for sure, but I would strongly suspect my parents were not married.
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Thanks. I would never look down on a person whose parents were not married. Not their sin.

I truly believe God wants us to be compassionate to people--not condoning sin as you wisely point out, but sometimes it's a very long process. Her coming to Christ may have several different components, and having a kind Christian woman to talk to might bring her one step closer to knowing who God is.
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True, and I want to be that kind lady. Just don't want to condone the sin of fornication, etc..

In my experiences, a person will be much more open to what we have to say if we show a genuine interest in who they are and what they're going through--because God does the same with us.
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Agreed.
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#11
Oct 15, 2012
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AmberGardner said:
I think that's a bit different. The desires are different, the causes are different. A person who is suicidal isn't simply acting on a desire to kill themselves but there are underlying reasons including even demonic oppression.
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Hmm, I guess I don't understand why its different? You could say that this 19 year old wasn't simply acting on a desire to have sex, but underlying reasons of wanting love and acceptance.

I do totally get where you're coming from, though, AmberGardner. I have a coworker who moved in with her boyfriend, she was really excited and happy, and I wasn't sure how to respond. I didn't feel it was appropriate to congratulate her, but I didn't want to go "fire and brimstone upon you" either. It can be difficult to know, sometimes. She is not a Christian. If she was, I might have said something.
 
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iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#12
#12
AmberGardner said:
Mkay, so I got along really well with a young manager at work who was 19. Unfortunately, she got pregnant outside of marriage. She doesn't work there anymore but we're friended on facebook and she came to the store yesterday. Love this young lady but I have noooooo idea how to respond to her being pregnant! I can't say congratulations. I can't hell fire her, and wouldn't. Idk what to say at all. She invited me to her baby shower over facebook and I declined as politely as I could after trying to avoid the subject altogether, as if she couldn't tell. How do you respond to those who have had babies outside of wedlock?

I had another incident of a very nice man from Canada who would chat with me sometimes, KNOWING I am a Christian, just pop up in IM with "Guess what. I'm a daddy!!" With his non-wife of course. How Ima respond to that?
Click to expand...

I would think you'd respond the same way Jesus would. Love the sinner,not the sin. You going to her baby shower could be a wonderful thing,a chance to be a witness of God's love. Jesus was invited to a lot more sinful gatherings than an unwed girl's baby shower.
 
Simona25

Simona25

Banned
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Sep 10, 2013
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Be happy that she did not abort the child :).
 
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AmberGardner

Guest
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I have nothing against the child :) I do the sin. Not gonna condone it, but I appreciate everybody taking the time to help me out!! I feel I can be a bit closer to her when I see her. I still wouldn't go to the shower, and I'm still a bit conflicted.

I do work with another unwed pregnant girl. I work with her most mornings. Worked with her this morning. It's hard to manage with a big pregnant girl >.> lolll




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xAlphaOmega

Guest
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I agree that you should congratulate her then by your actions show her how to live according to the Word. Dont break off ties because then you could be passing off an opportunity to be a witness. Would Jesus desert someone that acted in sin? Of course not, those were the ppl he sought to teach. I would try to be a closer friend to be honest, and try to get to the point where you can invite them to church or outtings. Throw in some conversations where you share your beliefs.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#16
Jun 29, 2012
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i dont think supporting someone is the same as condoning them. In fact its a rather twisted view of things in my opinion. You aren't being a friend or a christian to this person at all by keeping them at arm lengths like you're scared you'll get some sin on you if you touch.
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#17
#17
I can say, with absolute confidence, that were it not for the people in my life who took me in and basically wrapped me in their arms every day and loved on me, my relationship with God might not even exist. In her current circumstances, love and support go SOOOO far. She knows she messed up. She already has tons of other people giving her glaring eyes and snide remarks behind her back. "Come as you are." is probably the best thing that she can learn about Jesus through you.

-Mother to precious 3 year old, conceived and born out of wedlock.
 
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Hellooo

Guest
#18
#18
Gift ideas:


  • Cloth diapers...great investment for a really young mother who might not be in the best financial situation. (Check out the price of disposables sometime.) Even if she doesn't want to primarily use cloth diapers on her baby , it might save her in a pinch if she is in a situation where she can't buy disposables for a few days.
  • Gift certificate for a few hours of house/apartment cleaning (great for after baby is born...can be overwhelming to keep up with everything)

Don't go to her party if your heart isn't in it (who wants to be around someone who isn't in a celebratory mood at a celebration?). Keep in mind, however, you were her friend before she was pregnant. You can still be her friend without enabling or supporting her sin....I have no idea of the whole story here, but you might be one of the few people in her life right now who can share Christ with her. Jesus came to heal the sick right? I like Seoul's idea -- take her out to lunch sometime!
I've found personally that a lot of people will open up in conversation if you also talk about things that are important to them --in this instance, maybe open ended questions on what she wants/hopes for her baby, how she would ideally like to raise her baby -- it becomes a conversation where it's not just you stating 'i don't support fornication and your sin' but you can transition the things that she's saying into a conversation about how she doesn't want her baby to go through what she's going through, the kinds of support a church community may be able to offer her, what Godly relationships look like, what it means to seek God's will, the things that can happen if you DON'T seek God's will, and so on. I mean, it's not all in one sitting, nor should it turn into a lecture or interrogation, but hopefully she has someone that will talk to her about this stuff.

AmberGardner said:
James 4:4 You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
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These conflicted feelings you're having, by the way -- totally normal - you can still find a balance between not enabling sin and not completely alienating someone who sins.

It's easy enough to be friendly with someone who has never disappointed you, but there's a lot of opportunity for growth in friendships and relationships that go through challenges.

At the very least...gift her some diapers.
 
Misty77

Misty77

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Aug 30, 2013
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Remember that God alone is the maker of life, regardless how the genetic material came together. Babies are blessings and certainly consequences, but not punishment. Unwed pregnancy is God creating beauty out of human sinfulness. Celebrating God's creation and supporting the mother's choice to bring forth this new little life are simply ways of living out God's redeeming grace.

If she is a believer and you have a close and loving relationship, you can pray for The Lord to open the opportunity for you to talk to her about prayerfully considering some changes in her lifestyle. (Proceed with caution on that path!!!) if she isn't a believer, then stop judging her sin. Her sexual choices aren't sending her to hell any faster than her other sins. We know that we are incapable of doing what's right apart from God's spirit living in us so don't be surprised when the world acts like the world. We are simply to point them to Christ.

Jesus us received sinners with love and forgiveness; He rebuke the prideful religious leaders. We would do well to follow His example. He said that the world would recognize us as His followers by our love. It's easy for us to condemn those who sin differently than we do. It's pretty humbling to remember, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#20
#20
AmberGardner said:
Mkay, so I got along really well with a young manager at work who was 19. Unfortunately, she got pregnant outside of marriage. She doesn't work there anymore but we're friended on facebook and she came to the store yesterday. Love this young lady but I have noooooo idea how to respond to her being pregnant! I can't say congratulations. I can't hell fire her, and wouldn't. Idk what to say at all. She invited me to her baby shower over facebook and I declined as politely as I could after trying to avoid the subject altogether, as if she couldn't tell. How do you respond to those who have had babies outside of wedlock?

I had another incident of a very nice man from Canada who would chat with me sometimes, KNOWING I am a Christian, just pop up in IM with "Guess what. I'm a daddy!!" With his non-wife of course. How Ima respond to that?
Click to expand...
I think what that man is doing is different than what this woman is going through.

I second what others have said. Comfort her, and be her friend. You don't have to condone the behavior, but love the sinner.
 
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