Men opinions please!

[answers]

Hello,

I copied a note I wrote my husband and I wanted men's opinions and advice. We have been having the same issues for years and I have been on this site before for help. I want to hear other men's responses to my letter to see if I am unreasonable, stupid, or crazy. Keep in mind, this is written in the mix of escalated problems that he refused to speak to me about. Please feel free to be honest. I want to be a good wife to my husband.

I thank everyone in advance for responding. The note begins below.






Why do you treat me like an enemy or something that is replaceable, if you want to be with me for the rest of our lives? I do not understand this kind of logic and it only confirms the doubt you create by this sort of action.


I work hard to be one with you and it now feels impossible to achieve.








I NEED:


A husband who cares when I am uneasy, hurt, sad, frustrated, unhappy, angry, glad, lazy, energized, ambitious, lost, lonely, needy, and horny.


A husband who strives to please me.


A husband who needs me.


A husband who supports me in more ways than financial.


A husband who wants and needs to be one of the biggest parts of mine and the kids lives.


A husband who desires to spend quality, and a reasonably peaceful time with the family.


A husband who thinks before acting, so he teaches the family to do the same.


A husband who wants and tries to set the best example in every moment.


A husband who enjoys and wants to help the family even with little things.


A husband who devotes more time to the family than with technology.


A husband who TRULY learns GOD'S WORD and lives it IN and OUT of the home.


A husband who takes his family to church and makes that a priority over anything.


A husband who wants to be a husband and enjoys his life as one.


A husband who lives to be a father and takes pride in spending time, teaching, and loving his children.


A husband who FULLY knows what love is and shows it to his family.


A husband who FEELS LOVE.


A husband who would fight to "do right" by his family even if he has to be vulnerable, knock down walls, or live with his heart on his sleeve.


A husband who would kill himself to save or protect his family.


A husband who would strain his body in order to give comfort to his kids.


A husband who would react with protection and security to his kids short comings.


A husband who lives to provide safety and trust to his family.


A husband who fights for what is right and to solve problems, NOT create them.


A husband who would find a solution and attempt to solve before going to sleep at night.


A husband who does not put himself first majority of the time.


A husband who can balance his interests and family in a practical, logical, and rational way.


A husband who does not act nicer to outsiders and put on a performance for them.


A husband who is HONEST with himself and others.


A husband who is faithful.


A husband who's word is solid.


A husband who has values and morals and sticks to them.


A husband who is NOT angry majority of the time.


A husband who has fun or makes life fun in anything done together.


A husband who does not take pleasure in causing distress in all of our lives.


A husband who teaches his boys how to be a "real man" and teaches his daughter how to find a "real man".


A husband who intentionally walks, talks, and reacts.


A husband who is not afraid of living.


A husband who wants and works toward progress, but finds contentment in his family.


A husband who has long-term goals.


A husband who has depth and substance.


A husband who appreciates me and the kids.


A husband who loves himself enough to have a great home life.


A husband who listens and responds.


A husband who is NOT self-absorbed.


A husband who makes me feel heard.


A husband who responds during disputes and does NOT ignore me.


A husband who makes me want to be a better wife and mother.


A husband who assures me if I am doubtful.


A husband who lifts me up when I fall.


A husband who shows chivalry.


A husband who respects me.


A husband who is darn near obsessed with me.




Obviously, I have needs. I tried to be as specific as possible, because I want this all. I deserve to have this. I am not being unreasonable and I am willing to give as well. I try, but I am depleted. I need this more now than ever. WE WILL NOT MAKE IT unless YOU TRY TOO.

 

[jimmydiggs]

A checklist? I've seen this before.

 

[Exoaria]

You're requiring something of him that he cannot provide. You're expecting him to live out of an identity that is not his own. I don't mean to immediately jump to the Christian conclusion but I'm going to— we live in a world where sin is an influence. As James said, we all stumble in many ways, and your husband is clearly unable to meet every one of those needs. The Hebrews could not meet the requirements that God gave them, the law was too hefty, because humanity lives within the paradigm of a fallen reality. I'm not giving your husband an excuse to sin, I'm telling you that you're certainly not the perfect example by any means and your letter is just demanding something he cannot give to you.

All I see is a checklist of "Thou Shalt Not" which in all Biblical terms is the very thing that is going to cause him to "Do". I can't fix your relationship and neither can anyone else here. You're struggling with your husband and I can't point the finger at either of you because it's a mutual struggle. You expect this perfect husband, and he expects to be able to live outside of authority. If you want my opinion, your letter is just going to piss him off and cause problems. It's not mature, it's not expression of dignity and the fact that you're posting it here just shows that you need an outside approval of it because you don't really know what you're doing. You're just angry and discontent with your relationship.

We can't help. Despite all the juicy and gossipy answers you'll get on this thread none of it is going to help because you're assessing it from a principle that he needs to change in order to meet your needs. If he's living outside of his identity in Christ, don't feel hurt because of him, feel hurt for him. Your acceptance and progress in life is not dependent on him, it's dependent on Christ. He's your rock, not this man who cannot meet your so-called requirements.

 

[answers]

A checklist? I've seen this before.

Oh gosh, I did not think of it like that That is so not cool. I was attempting to articulate my communication and not make it one giant blob of info, oops.
I thought after thirteen years he may need to see my expectations written, so that it hopefully would prevent future complications. I always feel like he does not know what I expect and I know I have NO CLUE what he does. When I ask he says he does not have anything to say. I cannot believe I am not capable of getting anything right, I failed my objective if he takes it how you did. What would you say would be an effective way to breakdown my wants and needs? I want to be the best wife possible and I keep failing, because my house is crumbling.

 

[ServantStrike]

Oh gosh, I did not think of it like that That is so not cool. I was attempting to articulate my communication and not make it one giant blob of info, oops.
I thought after thirteen years he may need to see my expectations written, so that it hopefully would prevent future complications. I always feel like he does not know what I expect and I know I have NO CLUE what he does. When I ask he says he does not have anything to say. I cannot believe I am not capable of getting anything right, I failed my objective if he takes it how you did. What would you say would be an effective way to breakdown my wants and needs? I want to be the best wife possible and I keep failing, because my house is crumbling.

I spent like... 30 minutes replying to this, by the time it was in you'd posted again, so read down for my original reply.

My advice, ditch the list and just ask your husband for one or two things. Maybe also ask for some time you two can spend each week together just talking. That's a very reasonable request. Tell him you love him and want that time so you can strengthen your marriage.



As for the long line of text, I'll try to answer a few of these. Also, I'm not trying to come down hard on you here. I have a very good friend who is going through this exact thing with her husband only he's verbally abusive. They've got even less to work with as God isn't at the center of the relationship.


These should have been at the TOP of the list, as when you find Christ the rest of it follows. If your husband actually lives these two principles, then you don't need the rest of the list. A Christian man is the spiritual head of the household, and yes, he will do anything for his family.

My suggestion is you throw out the list and just go to your husband and focus on one or two things, most important first - and that's Christ. Lists are confusing, and things will just get lost in the noise. So - just these two

A husband who TRULY learns GOD'S WORD and lives it IN and OUT of the home.
A husband who takes his family to church and makes that a priority over anything.

And the list really is confusing, as these are at odds with those two previous statements.

A husband who needs me.
A husband who is darn near obsessed with me.

As a Christian man I look for a woman who would love Jesus more than she loves me. I want my future wife to be looking for that same quality in me. You shouldn't want a man to need you. Want, yes but need no. He's a husband not a child, and the need means he's putting you above God, and that's a tie in to the second line - obsession. Obsession isn't a healthy thing, you're replacing God with a person.

Just as it is our job as Christians to edify other Christians, it is a man's job within a marriage to edify his wife. It's also her job to do the same for him. But there is no obsession there. Just love and encouragement.


It also seems that as far as obsession goes, you're obsessed with fixing him. You need to give some of that to God and simply communicate your desires (not needs). You don't need any one, you have Christ. Give it time and give it to God, and just openly communicate your desires.

A husband who cares when I am uneasy, hurt, sad, frustrated, unhappy, angry, glad, lazy, energized, ambitious, lost, lonely, needy, and horny.

And please don't accuse him of not caring. That's probably a severe stretch unless he's sociopathic. It's also a good way to get him to shut down while you're talking to him.

Obviously, I have needs. I tried to be as specific as possible, because I want this all. I deserve to have this. I am not being unreasonable and I am willing to give as well. I try, but I am depleted. I need this more now than ever. WE WILL NOT MAKE IT unless YOU TRY TOO.

Don't make demands, it never ends well. Just communicate.

A checklist? I've seen this before.

10-4 good buddy. You're cleared for takeoff.

 

[Ugly]

All i see is 'i want' 'i need' but not 'what can i do' or 'what do you need'. And i don't agree that all of those are even reasonable. I agree, you expect a LOT out of one person. Perhaps you need to spend more time reflecting on what God should be to you and less time looking at what a human should do to replace what you aren't seeking God for.

 

[answers]

You're requiring something of him that he cannot provide. You're expecting him to live out of an identity that is not his own. I don't mean to immediately jump to the Christian conclusion but I'm going to— we live in a world where sin is an influence. As James said, we all stumble in many ways, and your husband is clearly unable to meet every one of those needs. The Hebrews could not meet the requirements that God gave them, the law was too hefty, because humanity lives within the paradigm of a fallen reality. I'm not giving your husband an excuse to sin, I'm telling you that you're certainly not the perfect example by any means and your letter is just demanding something he cannot give to you.

All I see is a checklist of "Thou Shalt Not" which in all Biblical terms is the very thing that is going to cause him to "Do". I can't fix your relationship and neither can anyone else here. You're struggling with your husband and I can't point the finger at either of you because it's a mutual struggle. You expect this perfect husband, and he expects to be able to live outside of authority. If you want my opinion, your letter is just going to piss him off and cause problems. It's not mature, it's not expression of dignity and the fact that you're posting it here just shows that you need an outside approval of it because you don't really know what you're doing. You're just angry and discontent with your relationship.

We can't help. Despite all the juicy and gossipy answers you'll get on this thread none of it is going to help because you're assessing it from a principle that he needs to change in order to meet your needs. If he's living outside of his identity in Christ, don't feel hurt because of him, feel hurt for him. Your acceptance and progress in life is not dependent on him, it's dependent on Christ. He's your rock, not this man who cannot meet your so-called requirements.

Thank you, that was well written. I did not mean for it to be a list, but more as insight to how I feel inside and a map to discover my land. You are 100% right, I am lost. He and I were best of friends with an amazing relationship. After about nine years, he started to change into who he is now, distant. I do not want him to be who he is not, because I love him. I did not point out things that would change him, but more things that would connect us again, from my point of view. I know he has his own version of wants and needs that may look completely different and I am fine with that. I just want us to connect again and move forward together, I do not care what pace. I am very willing to compromise or give to him. I am not angry, but very hurt and lonely. I am not looking for anyone to fix our issues, but help me gain human insight to how I am communicating. Which sounds like not effectively, like I tried to be. I am a stay-at-home wife/mom and I do not talk to anyone besides my husband and kids, so yes I am sure I sound dependent. I am dependent on The Lord, but I do need some human insight from time to time. Thank you for yours, it is appreciated greatly.

 

[Exoaria]

Thank you, that was well written. I did not mean for it to be a list, but more as insight to how I feel inside and a map to discover my land. You are 100% right, I am lost. He and I were best of friends with an amazing relationship. After about nine years, he started to change into who he is now, distant. I do not want him to be who he is not, because I love him. I did not point out things that would change him, but more things that would connect us again, from my point of view. I know he has his own version of wants and needs that may look completely different and I am fine with that. I just want us to connect again and move forward together, I do not care what pace. I am very willing to compromise or give to him. I am not angry, but very hurt and lonely. I am not looking for anyone to fix our issues, but help me gain human insight to how I am communicating. Which sounds like not effectively, like I tried to be. I am a stay-at-home wife/mom and I do not talk to anyone besides my husband and kids, so yes I am sure I sound dependent. I am dependent on The Lord, but I do need some human insight from time to time. Thank you for yours, it is appreciated greatly.

I know how hard it must be to feel from time to time as if you're unable to control where you're going. I feel as if my original comment may have been too harsh, I kind of stopped reading after demanding death in order to save his family in a rational letter and was not expecting a situation like what you've described. The truth is I don't know and my opinion probably isn't credible enough to take anywhere. I don't think the situation is the problem as opposed to the assessment of the root issue.

I have a weight on my heart to show you this, I don't know why.
I just hear so much crying for purpose and identity in love and direction.

[video=youtube;xfXoP9KBPGs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfXoP9KBPGs[/video]

 

[Enow]

Ask Jesus for His wisdom in dealing with your needs. I believe Peter would respond to you with his below.

1 Peter 2: [SUP]19 [/SUP]For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. [SUP]20 [/SUP]For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. [SUP]21 [/SUP]For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: [SUP]22 [/SUP]Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: [SUP]23 [/SUP]Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: [SUP]24 [/SUP]Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. [SUP]25 [/SUP]For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

3:1Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; [SUP]2 [/SUP]While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. [SUP]3 [/SUP]Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; [SUP]4 [/SUP]But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. [SUP]5 [/SUP]For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: [SUP]6 [/SUP]Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. [SUP]7 [/SUP]Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. [SUP]8 [/SUP]Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: [SUP]9 [/SUP]Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. [SUP]10 [/SUP]For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: [SUP]11 [/SUP]Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it. [SUP]12 [/SUP]For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil. [SUP]13 [/SUP]And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good? [SUP]14 [/SUP]But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled; [SUP]15 [/SUP]But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: [SUP]16 [/SUP]Having a good conscience; that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ. [SUP]17 [/SUP]For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.

 

[answers]

Gosh, you all are so dead on. I suck at this horribly. I wish he would say the things you all said, than I would not be so lost.

Servantstrike, I know God is first, but since things have been south for so long I am struggling to not put my husband first. When I put need and obsessed, I was being a bit sarcastic and did not word that to exactly how I feel. I want to be needed in the sense of if I were to walk away from our marriage he would grabbed ahold of me, as I would hope anyone would do for their spouse. Right now, he is like a blank slate in regards to me and our kids. Everything you said is right on, so thank you. It is so hard to not communicate in a demanding way, and not be his doormat. I cannot figure out how to express myself in a way that is heard and respected while not sounding like a brat. I really liked your breakdown, thank you for taking so much time to enlighten me.

Ugly, last night when I was attempting to get us on track I did ask what he wants from me, he just sat looking away and ignored me. I pleaded for anything and he would not even turn his body toward me, or look at me, let alone respond. I ended up going to bed, because I did not want to sound like I was nagging or demanding and he did not even come to bed. I hate animosity and I would do anything to give happiness and peace between us. I love him and he knows I would do anything. Anything he has asked of me I have done willingly and graciously.




I am so glad I posted this personal rant. I officially know I SUCK terribly. I wish he would communicate anything to me, then I would have something to work with. I feel I am so blind. I pray and pray, but I am starting feel very abandoned by everything. I grew up in a horrible home and worked hard to try to prevent me marrying a guy who does not or would not love me. I failed that too. Surprising, right? I cannot keep living ignored and the subtle attempts have not worked, so I thought an honest more aggressive approach would, and was I wrong. Thanks for the eye opener. Too bad I sent it before I posted this.

You all have been great help. Thank you and God bless everyone.

 

[jimmydiggs]

10-4 good buddy. You're cleared for takeoff.

Roger that. Throttling to full speed commencing. Passengers are safe and secure.

On a more serious note:

Checklists are good for accountability, but they don't change the heart in and of themselves. What needs to change is the position of his heart, and possibly the one making the request. Not accusing OP, just saying I don't know the situation.

 

[jimmydiggs]

Oh gosh, I did not think of it like that That is so not cool. I was attempting to articulate my communication and not make it one giant blob of info, oops.
I thought after thirteen years he may need to see my expectations written, so that it hopefully would prevent future complications. I always feel like he does not know what I expect and I know I have NO CLUE what he does. When I ask he says he does not have anything to say. I cannot believe I am not capable of getting anything right, I failed my objective if he takes it how you did. What would you say would be an effective way to breakdown my wants and needs? I want to be the best wife possible and I keep failing, because my house is crumbling.

Encourage him to biblical manhood, and a love for God's will and ordination of the home. The rest will follow. It's the same with salvation. Works don't make us love G od, but they do come as a result of our loving God. A checklist won't make him change, but his change will result in many checkmarks on that list.

 

[answers]

I know how hard it must be to feel from time to time as if you're unable to control where you're going. I feel as if my original comment may have been too harsh, I kind of stopped reading after demanding death in order to save his family in a rational letter and was not expecting a situation like what you've described. The truth is I don't know and my opinion probably isn't credible enough to take anywhere. I don't think the situation is the problem as opposed to the assessment of the root issue.

I have a weight on my heart to show you this, I don't know why.
I just hear so much crying for purpose and identity in love and direction.

[video=youtube;xfXoP9KBPGs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfXoP9KBPGs[/video]

Thank you for the video. I started watching and decided to wait and see if my husband wants to watch with me. I do not think you were too harsh in your first response. We all express, hear, and see things differently, so I was not expecting everyone to have the same view or feel what I was feeling when I wrote it. I guess I should have started by saying I do have some exaggeration and sarcasm in there. My husband knows my humor, or at least I hope so, and I tend to express through sarcastic drama when dealing with my emotions. I struggle with speaking clear when it comes to myself. Hence the reason, I wanted other men's opinion. Thank you for your time and words.

 

[Enow]

You all have been great help. Thank you and God bless everyone.

Acts 20:[SUP]35 [/SUP]I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.

Philippians 4:[SUP]11 [/SUP]Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.[SUP]12 [/SUP]I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. [SUP]13 [/SUP]I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

 

[Ugly]

Gosh, you all are so dead on. I suck at this horribly. I wish he would say the things you all said, than I would not be so lost.

Servantstrike, I know God is first, but since things have been south for so long I am struggling to not put my husband first. When I put need and obsessed, I was being a bit sarcastic and did not word that to exactly how I feel. I want to be needed in the sense of if I were to walk away from our marriage he would grabbed ahold of me, as I would hope anyone would do for their spouse. Right now, he is like a blank slate in regards to me and our kids. Everything you said is right on, so thank you. It is so hard to not communicate in a demanding way, and not be his doormat. I cannot figure out how to express myself in a way that is heard and respected while not sounding like a brat. I really liked your breakdown, thank you for taking so much time to enlighten me.

Ugly, last night when I was attempting to get us on track I did ask what he wants from me, he just sat looking away and ignored me. I pleaded for anything and he would not even turn his body toward me, or look at me, let alone respond. I ended up going to bed, because I did not want to sound like I was nagging or demanding and he did not even come to bed. I hate animosity and I would do anything to give happiness and peace between us. I love him and he knows I would do anything. Anything he has asked of me I have done willingly and graciously.




I am so glad I posted this personal rant. I officially know I SUCK terribly. I wish he would communicate anything to me, then I would have something to work with. I feel I am so blind. I pray and pray, but I am starting feel very abandoned by everything. I grew up in a horrible home and worked hard to try to prevent me marrying a guy who does not or would not love me. I failed that too. Surprising, right? I cannot keep living ignored and the subtle attempts have not worked, so I thought an honest more aggressive approach would, and was I wrong. Thanks for the eye opener. Too bad I sent it before I posted this.

You all have been great help. Thank you and God bless everyone.

Its difficult to say what is going on without knowing the whole history. Much of the problem may stem from you... or it may stem from him. Or be equal. If this demanding or nagging tone you have is new, then it may be something within himself that has changed apart from you. Or perhaps you both have never communicated well, and this is the long term effect. These are all just stabs in the dark. At the end of the day, no one here can blame you for what has transpired in your marriage, because we don't have that information. Though i find most often, the one willing to take the responsibility often takes on too much or all, while the other sits feeling justified, and that is rarely the truth.

 

[zaoman32]

I'm with Ugly on this one, especially since I've been in this situation before. I never actually got any kind of letter like that, but hearing those kinds of things would completely cut me off on the knees. It's disrespectful and completely ignorant of his needs. You have plenty of your own mentioned but not once did you ask what he wanted from you. Not once did you apologize for any wrongs you did, real or imagined. That's basically a knife right in his chest. You're guilty, you need to change, our issues are your fault.

It's difficult to offer advice, but personally as long as you are both open to it, watching marriage counseling videos and reading books on marriage can be a huge help.

 

[Richie_2uk]

Woe, Huge List? Perhaps he feels the way he does because he knows deep down he cannot provide your high demands. I noticed you only listed what you want. Perhaps he needs to put down what he wants from you, and therefore you both may compromise. Its all how fast you want these things too, its no good giving a deadline to a person if they cant deliver the goods. Its impossible. You asked to be truthful? in my eyes, you ask to much of him. and you only gave your side of the story. perhaps if we hear the things that's bothering him, and what he wants, then maybe we can help a bit more. But since you gave only one side of the story, its somewhat difficult to make any suggestions of help.

 

[ServantStrike]

Gosh, you all are so dead on. I suck at this horribly. I wish he would say the things you all said, than I would not be so lost.

Servantstrike, I know God is first, but since things have been south for so long I am struggling to not put my husband first. When I put need and obsessed, I was being a bit sarcastic and did not word that to exactly how I feel. I want to be needed in the sense of if I were to walk away from our marriage he would grabbed ahold of me, as I would hope anyone would do for their spouse. Right now, he is like a blank slate in regards to me and our kids. Everything you said is right on, so thank you. It is so hard to not communicate in a demanding way, and not be his doormat. I cannot figure out how to express myself in a way that is heard and respected while not sounding like a brat. I really liked your breakdown, thank you for taking so much time to enlighten me.

Ugly, last night when I was attempting to get us on track I did ask what he wants from me, he just sat looking away and ignored me. I pleaded for anything and he would not even turn his body toward me, or look at me, let alone respond. I ended up going to bed, because I did not want to sound like I was nagging or demanding and he did not even come to bed. I hate animosity and I would do anything to give happiness and peace between us. I love him and he knows I would do anything. Anything he has asked of me I have done willingly and graciously.




I am so glad I posted this personal rant. I officially know I SUCK terribly. I wish he would communicate anything to me, then I would have something to work with. I feel I am so blind. I pray and pray, but I am starting feel very abandoned by everything. I grew up in a horrible home and worked hard to try to prevent me marrying a guy who does not or would not love me. I failed that too. Surprising, right? I cannot keep living ignored and the subtle attempts have not worked, so I thought an honest more aggressive approach would, and was I wrong. Thanks for the eye opener. Too bad I sent it before I posted this.

You all have been great help. Thank you and God bless everyone.

Another tidbit of advice. If you say you suck terribly in front of your husband he might think you're fishing for complements. Guys have absolutely no idea what to do with that. We just don't. If you have feelings of inadequacy your husband may be struggling with what to do about them. You might even be looking to him to fill the void. Hence his vacant stares.

Or, it may also be him. As Ugly said we have no way to know what's really going on. It's been my experience that when a relationship is in trouble, it's usally a combination of both parties. But, honestly who cares as long as it gets fixed.

Whatever your past is, just let it go. Start from today forwards. Tell your husband you should have been more direct and to the point when you sent him that list, and tell him to ignore the list. Tell him you want to make things better so that you both feel fulfilled.

 

[answers]

Okay, so the suck thing was in a sarcastic tone, sorry. Yes problems are both of ours to own, assess, strategize, and prevent that is the reason I wrote the letter which turned into a list format for readability reasons. This was not meant to be disrespectful to him in anyway, but I wanted him to see any noticed or unnoticed feeling I have toward him, more of an explanation and understanding for my behavior, reaction, or whatever. I would love to understand him as clear as I tried to portray myself. I know that is a lot to ask, but I was being honest to every feeling I may have had along our 13 year journey.


UPDATE: So, my husband came home yesterday and "like always" I acted peachy-keen. He did not mention anything a went to workout. At first, I was perturbed, honestly speaking, I felt a negative or positive reaction would be something to work with, but nothing, bummer. Long story short, he had not read my email until after his workout. He actually initiated the conversation, yea. He said, we do not have anything to talk about he knows he has not been trying. I made fun of my "list" as you all have been referring to, and then I asked him if he thought anything or everything was ridiculous or outrageous, and if he has those expectations for me and if he has anymore. He thought it was not unrealistic and said he feels the same and he even pulled it up and went through them with me to clarify what I meant on a few. He added that we need to go out just him and I more.


PAST: Anyone who would like to know what caused an uproar I will put it as direct as I can below.

We have goats and poultry, they have been in the same pen for the past two years. Last year, I discussed it with my husband to build a separate pen. I asked all spring and summer for his help and he never did anything. So, finally in early fall I bought the fencing and got him to pick up some free pallets and lumber. Well, long story short we worked on it all day Saturday and did not finish. Woke up Sunday, we skipped church (I'll explain later) and worked on the pen again. Well 1:00 came, still in the middle of the project that needed to be done, so the ducks and chickens could have enough shelter and he tells me he is leaving to play basketball. I did not ask him not to go, but said I do not think that is right. He left ignoring me. This is when I figured out why we did not go to church. I thought it was because he wanted to make sure we got everything done, but it was to ensure he could leave to play. So, after crying because I cannot physically hold one pallet in the air horizontally and three others vertically and screw them into each other. I decided to move on to the goats pen, which turned into a mud pit. Imagine approx. 6" of saturated muddy straw, like a sponge. I had to shovel out all of it by myself, put it into a wheel barrow that has a flat tire which is off the rim and haul each heavy load to the compost bin and pick up to dump. After he came home and had been for awhile, I made a comment regarding if he regretted going. I know I did not need to say anything, but I was so frustrated and he did not even say anything about any of it. Well, then he ignored me for the rest of the night, so I went to bed at 8 and he never came to bed.

I woke up and wrote that "list" and hit send. Then I started to feel like maybe I should not have done that and came here to get responses to my letter, not a fix, and not to put blame on him. He is my husband and as alone as I feel I love him. I was just hurt, because I finally got him to help and he ditched me knowing we have tons to do before it gets too cold and it was our only free time. He plays basketball every week and that is indoor, so I figured he would put these tasks first and not leave them to solely me. As is, I dug all the wholes for the post, lifted all the rocks I used to secure posts, and attached all the fencing. He measured the wood, cut, and held them steady as I wedged rocks in and buried them. I would not complain except I have a bad knee and weak back and when he left I looked around and saw all that was to do and it felt like a smack in the face.

Sorry about the length of the story

 

[ChristianUk13]

You're requiring something of him that he cannot provide. You're expecting him to live out of an identity that is not his own. I don't mean to immediately jump to the Christian conclusion but I'm going to— we live in a world where sin is an influence. As James said, we all stumble in many ways, and your husband is clearly unable to meet every one of those needs. The Hebrews could not meet the requirements that God gave them, the law was too hefty, because humanity lives within the paradigm of a fallen reality. I'm not giving your husband an excuse to sin, I'm telling you that you're certainly not the perfect example by any means and your letter is just demanding something he cannot give to you.

All I see is a checklist of "Thou Shalt Not" which in all Biblical terms is the very thing that is going to cause him to "Do". I can't fix your relationship and neither can anyone else here. You're struggling with your husband and I can't point the finger at either of you because it's a mutual struggle. You expect this perfect husband, and he expects to be able to live outside of authority. If you want my opinion, your letter is just going to piss him off and cause problems. It's not mature, it's not expression of dignity and the fact that you're posting it here just shows that you need an outside approval of it because you don't really know what you're doing. You're just angry and discontent with your relationship.

We can't help. Despite all the juicy and gossipy answers you'll get on this thread none of it is going to help because you're assessing it from a principle that he needs to change in order to meet your needs. If he's living outside of his identity in Christ, don't feel hurt because of him, feel hurt for him. Your acceptance and progress in life is not dependent on him, it's dependent on Christ. He's your rock, not this man who cannot meet your so-called requirements.

What exactly do 19 or 21 year olds know about marriage if they haven't really lived, never mind also not likely to have even married. I like the way also they also have the ideas before then finding scriptural contexts to back up their thinking. How about searching the scriptures for the contexts...then apply it to the personal facts of this lady, not vice versa. The lady's statements were her desires that should be there already in her husband. This also applies to ladies in her position, not just hers alone. When others have married or been in long-term relationships, perhaps this may then qualify you to be equipped to understand the reasonable Christian wife or reasonable Christian husband standard. Let's assume this list of yours gets your husband to think about you and your needs, as he now knows you're aware of his failures. He may then send you a list of his own, and he may put his heart out there, as humble as you have. However, bear in mind, it could be said, men may not especially be very forward with their feelings. It is quite terrible too that you're apparently not having sex so much? Well, he has a Godly duty to provide this. Why do you even listen to young people without them having experiences or being able to reason in view of all of the circumstances? Nonetheless, if any person shows he or she can they reason, then their opinion should NOT be discarded.