17 years in marriage, loss of sexual interest

[J-Kay-2]

Seems to me he is aware there's a problem and has come seeking advice on how to handle it. I'm not sure this defensive , attacking position is really what he needs when he's asking for help.

Seems mostly all i'm seeing is women complaining at him. And, in some cases, complaining about men in general. What about reading what he said, not reading what you Think he's saying based off your own insecurities? This man came asking for help and all he's found so far is women putting him down. How is calling him names and man bashing giving him the advice he came asking for?

Go read my comments. I am not putting him down. I said I feel sorry for
him and I do. I also saw two sides to the issue. Please read it and then
tell me if I am coming down hard on him or men in general. You need to
read carefully too. I understand how it is easy to see it one way the first
time, then go back and see it again, another. Try it ~

 

[J-Kay-2]

My prayers are with them too and I hope I didn't come off as nasty or negative. I recommended counseling in my next post. I feel for his wife because I'm not as thin as I was when I got married either. Of course i'm insecure about that and i'm sure his wife is too. It's hard we live in a society where Victoria's Secret has a fashion show during prime time hours. That bothers me. My old boss used to watch it with his wife. I found that disturbing. He would tell her who he thought was hot and who he didn't find so attractive. Is that quality time?

My old boss has nothing to do with this man's problem, but my goodness, can you imagine? Oh well I do hope the O/P and his wife work things out and have a long happy marriage.

You did speak wisely to his situation. And as you said, most of us have changed
in body shape. This man is still young, and maybe he will always be trim. But,
maybe not. I know one thing that disturbs me is Fox news. I love the news
people, but it is always about sex in some manner. And the commercials ~
I am expecting them to let the bar down and begin to see men running aroung
in their underwear. It keeps getting more difficult for Christian people to keep
clean minds. And then you have the children. You watch TV and good program
is on, great, something family can watch with children.... then there comes the
dreaded commercials. I bet more families have had to explain birds and bees
to the kids way before they should have to.

Anyway I agree we not only need to pray for the man you gave wise advice to,
let's pray for all men and women. ~ God bless you. ~ Your wife is blessed ~

 

[J-Kay-2]

You did speak wisely to his situation. And as you said, most of us have changed
in body shape. This man is still young, and maybe he will always be trim. But,
maybe not. I know one thing that disturbs me is Fox news. I love the news
people, but it is always about sex in some manner. And the commercials ~
I am expecting them to let the bar down and begin to see men running aroung
in their underwear. It keeps getting more difficult for Christian people to keep
clean minds. And then you have the children. You watch TV and good program
is on, great, something family can watch with children.... then there comes the
dreaded commercials. I bet more families have had to explain birds and bees
to the kids way before they should have to.

Anyway I agree we not only need to pray for the man you gave wise advice to,
let's pray for all men and women. ~ God bless you. ~ Your wife is blessed ~

Fenner please excuse my thinking you were male.... I had not seen your profile.
God bless you ~ You are a wise woman of God ~ You have given good advice. ~
And no, you did not come across as critical of him. Gosh I wonder if he is still
here ? LOL ~

 

[Fenner]

That's OK J-Kay no big deal.

 

[Ugly]

Go read my comments. I am not putting him down. I said I feel sorry for
him and I do. I also saw two sides to the issue. Please read it and then
tell me if I am coming down hard on him or men in general. You need to
read carefully too. I understand how it is easy to see it one way the first
time, then go back and see it again, another. Try it ~

After you read my post correctly where i said

"Seems mostly all i'm seeing is women complaining at him"

Not 'ALL i see'.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Seems to me he is aware there's a problem and has come seeking advice on how to handle it. I'm not sure this defensive , attacking position is really what he needs when he's asking for help.

Seems mostly all i'm seeing is women complaining at him. And, in some cases, complaining about men in general. What about reading what he said, not reading what you Think he's saying based off your own insecurities? This man came asking for help and all he's found so far is women putting him down. How is calling him names and man bashing giving him the advice he came asking for?

This guys post struck an emotional nerve that every woman has. NO woman EVER wants to be looked at that way or have someone feel that way about them. That's why there are all these emotionally driven posts full of assumptions and accusations. The idea is a very deep and shared fear among the ladies so it's easy to understand why they are getting so worked up over it. Your right though, most of the replies said absolutely nothing useful or practical to the guys situation. Obviously, if the guy could "Will" his sexual interest back, he would.

I'd like the ladies to keep in mind that loss of sexual attraction for his wife does not mean he does not Love his wife or that he is "breaking" his covenant. It's just the reality of how he feels. The question is, what can be done to remedy the problem?

I would suggest going to a Uroligist OP and seeing if there's anything he can do. There's prescription pills that might help your situation to but it's something you should really get a doc to advise you on.

 

[flight316]

Brother you are in trouble the women on this forum are going to kill you. Lol, not litterally. Now back to you problem. Did you ever really love your wife? Or did you marry her for some other reason. If your wfe lost weight, would you find her attractive again? Probaly not because she has aged. You spoke of young women, that's what you like. Brother, you're in the mid_life crisis. You've got toomake a decision. Are you going to hold your position as husband and father and love your family or are you going to to seek out the fleshly pleasures that youthful body has to offer. These are the the choices. Its very simple. You will make one these decisions depending upon what type of man you are. If it wasn't the weight gain it would have been something else. It not her its you. You are lookig outside of the marriage. You probably have always lusted after young beautiful women. This is a problem with a lot of men that marry women that they don't really love. It doosent go the distance. Some young men marry their girlfreinds because they are young and cute at the time. Through sexual intercourse they begin to develope emotional feelings that they mistake for real love and not being able to continue to love the women after the novelty of youth has worn off. Little by little as you continue to reject you wife she will return the favor by rejecting you. And as you you continue to not give her attention she will get that from other men, that might lead to the bedroom. The bottom line is if you continue to reject her your marriage will slowly disolve. God bless you brother. I hope that the two of you can work this out

 

[Genesis1982]

blessings ... my spiritul advice would be to seek you and your wife ( both )time to pray together to God improve your marriage in love and a renewed your mind in Christ ...
the physical advice would be to do exercises, both, go to jogging or run together ..do some sport, proposed a goal to be more healthy, ... always including yourself, because God said, ""and they shall be one flesh"" so the body of your wife is your body, so you need to learnd (or remember) to love him, do things together can help you to be more united with her ... God bless you

 

[Ugly]

This guys post struck an emotional nerve that every woman has. NO woman EVER wants to be looked at that way or have someone feel that way about them. That's why there are all these emotionally driven posts full of assumptions and accusations. The idea is a very deep and shared fear among the ladies so it's easy to understand why they are getting so worked up over it. Your right though, most of the replies said absolutely nothing useful or practical to the guys situation. Obviously, if the guy could "Will" his sexual interest back, he would.

I'd like the ladies to keep in mind that loss of sexual attraction for his wife does not mean he does not Love his wife or that he is "breaking" his covenant. It's just the reality of how he feels. The question is, what can be done to remedy the problem?

I would suggest going to a Uroligist OP and seeing if there's anything he can do. There's prescription pills that might help your situation to but it's something you should really get a doc to advise you on.

Yeah. I get that, as i stated, but most of the responses are still wrong.

 

[lav]

I find it really sad seeing the men who relate to this post. Were forgetting that men age with women, so the expectation that the woman should stay young forever is ridiculous because guess what, you're ageing too. Seriously I'm young and it saddens me to think in 20 or 30 years time when I start to age my husband will have similar views. In that case, id rather live at home with my cats.

this is how i feel too

 

[Misty77]

I completely stand by what I posted because it addresses the root of the problem--believing his wife OWES him to never age or change. A bandaid fix would be to prescribe him porn and a Viagra (like many sex therapists would actually do). The problem lies in his erroneous expectations about what a loving relationship is. That requires him to rethink his view on marriage and humble his heart before The Lord. Then The Lord can begin the redeeming work of confirming the OP's heart the His and showing him how to love his wife as The Lord loves her. Any other advice only addresses the symptoms, not the disease.

 

[Misty77]

Something to ponder: as believers, we would never stand for someone being belittled because of their race, right? I mean, we shouldn't have different expectations for people based on their ethnicity. We wouldn't dream of supporting an opinion that says, "you owe me because your shade of melanin doesn't match mine!"

Why are we ok with it when it comes to gender? And I am addressing BOTH sides. Male and female were created to work together on every way, not just in the obvious physical part. We are different, but we complement each other perfectly. That is why a God gave the command to subdue and have dominion over the earth to mankind the species, not man the gender. We are co-regents and joint heirs so behave according to your high calling.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I completely stand by what I posted because it addresses the root of the problem--believing his wife OWES him to never age or change. A bandaid fix would be to prescribe him porn and a Viagra (like many sex therapists would actually do). The problem lies in his erroneous expectations about what a loving relationship is. That requires him to rethink his view on marriage and humble his heart before The Lord. Then The Lord can begin the redeeming work of confirming the OP's heart the His and showing him how to love his wife as The Lord loves her. Any other advice only addresses the symptoms, not the disease.

He never said he believes his wife owes it to him to never change. He said nothing about expectations about a loving relationship.........it had nothing to do with his view on marriage, and he said nothing about not loving his wife......those are all just assumptions

His only reason for posting is he is no longer sexually interested in her......he was asking for advice on how to deal with that. It's just a fact, he realizes it's a problem, he doesn't like the situation anymore than she does I'm sure. I hate that it's like that for the couple but there's no reason to lash out at the guy for just being honest and asking for advice.

 

[Fenner]

I hope he get's the help he needs. I think it's normal for the opposite sex to get defensive. If a woman came in here and said, "I've been married for 17 years. I'm not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. Since we've been married he's grown ear hair and lost head hair. Please help me."

I think some of the men would get defensive. Again, I do hope he get's the help he needs to help with his problem.

 

[Misty77]

Simply for clarification, my opinion was logical and factually based. The fact that I am a woman does not make it any less truthful. If you would like to disagree, you are within your rights to do so. But it is disrespectful--and inaccurate--to dismiss me as being emotional, defensive, or overreacting. You are correct that this is a problem with a physical manifestation. My point (based upon the OP's actual words) is that this is not merely a surface issue, rather it is spiritual.

It is possible that I misunderstood, but the he indicated that her normal body changes prevented him from physical arousal. Gaining only 20 pounds in 17 years--which included bearing and birthing two children--is to be expected; though granted, there are exceptions. Had he mentioned a much larger number, then I may have modified my answer somewhat. It can't be an issue of libido since he admitted being aroused by younger women. His inability to cope with the changes that aging naturally brings indicates inaccurate expectations. That means the problem lies in either his understanding of the aging process or his idea of what he deserves sexually.

 

[MySavior]

I been in a relationship 5 years ago and been hurt all the time.
its like every girl who hurts me seems doesn't care.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I hope he get's the help he needs. I think it's normal for the opposite sex to get defensive. If a woman came in here and said, "I've been married for 17 years. I'm not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. Since we've been married he's grown ear hair and lost head hair. Please help me."

I think some of the men would get defensive. Again, I do hope he get's the help he needs to help with his problem.

Yes, a lot of men definitely would......and would be like "You made him a promise, bla bla bla".......lol. I thought about making that point earlier but I didn't want to derail too much

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Simply for clarification, my opinion was logical and factually based. The fact that I am a woman does not make it any less truthful. If you would like to disagree, you are within your rights to do so. But it is disrespectful--and inaccurate--to dismiss me as being emotional, defensive, or overreacting.

I didn't disrespect you or dismiss you dear.....I understand the way you feel about the issue, I'm not saying your emotions are invalid.....my disagreements are purely based on nothing but logic

 

[Fenner]

Yes, a lot of men definitely would......and would be like "You made him a promise, bla bla bla".......lol. I thought about making that point earlier but I didn't want to derail too much

I broke a rule.

 

[J-Kay-2]

I broke a rule.

Ms. Fenner: Not sure what rule you broke. I have been reading through
the posts I missed, and you have been wise and loving in your comments.
I don't think every woman got upset with him. I think we probably thought
what if she was turned off by him because he was overweight ? But that
wasn't what he came on for.

Do you suppose he really wants us [ all Christians ] both male and female
to pray for him NOT to give into the desires? Is he asking us to pray he can
love and desire his wife as he once did?

Only those without sin can cast the first stone. I don't think we have cast
stones at him. Maybe he had hoped the men could help him get past this
time in his life.

I think we forget there is so much temptation everywhere men and women
turn, some men just need to be reminded ' DO NOT LOOK .'
I am with you, I hope he will get help he needs.

Asking the Lord to please keep His hand upon the O/P and lead him on the
right path ~ Only the Lord is going to get him seeing it through spiritual eyes.