Red Flags for Abusive Relationships

[Jullianna]

I have felt for a very long time that this was a thread we needed in this forum. A post I just read from a new member made me realize how long overdue it is.

Before we begin, I want to state very clearly that both men and women can be abusers and both men and women can suffer abuse. I do not want this thread to turn into a bash session against men. Women do it too. So, please stay on topic and let's not turn this into a gender war thread. The purpose of this thread is SOLELY to help singles identify possible abusive relationships so they can run the other way before it's too late. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, right?

That said, if you have information that could help identify abusive behaviors/relationships, please share it here with others. Again, please, please, please keep a civil tone and share only information that is edifying and beneficial to others who may fall victim to abusive situations. It is my hope that it will be stickied at some point by a mod so that singles in need of this information can readily find it.

God bless you and thank you in advance for your kind assistance, cooperation and prayers for those in abusive situations.

This is one of the best links I've found on the subject. You can find a lot of helpful information there:


Red Flag Campaign | Red Flags for Abusive Relationships
Red Flags for Abusive Relationships

The following is a list of warning signs for potentially abusive relationships. They are presented as guidelines and cues to pay attention to, not as judgments on the worth of the other person.


Question relationships with partners who:

• Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
• Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.
• Don’t work or go to school.
• Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.
• Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.
• Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.
• Are always angry at someone or something.
• Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.
• Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.
• Cheat on you or have lots of partners.
• Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).
• Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.
• Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.
• Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.
• Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.
• Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.
• Make vulgar comments about others in your presence
• Blame all arguments and problems on you.
• Tell you how to dress or act.
• Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.
• Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
• Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).
• Compare you to former partners.

Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:

• You feel afraid to break up with them.
• You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.
• You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.
• You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.
• You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
• You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.
• You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.

Adapted from the Domestic Abuse Project (http://www.domesticabuseproject.org)

 

[1still_waters]

Mostly from stuff I've read over the years.

1. Proclaims their love for you way too quickly.
2. Pressures you to commit too quickly.
3. Over the top niceness, flattery.
4. Gives excessive gifts.
5. Treats "help" rudely/as less than. Ie waitresses/servers.
6. Jealousy

 

[Jullianna]

This site was really good too: Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund: Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[h=1]Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships[/h][h=3]EXTREME JEALOUSY[/h]Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may accuse the victim of flirting with someone else or having an affair.
[h=3]CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR[/h]One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.
[h=3]QUICK INVOLVEMENT[/h]The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.
[h=3]UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS[/h]Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.
[h=3]ISOLATION[/h]The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.
[h=3]BLAMES OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS[/h]The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).
[h=3]HYPERSENSITIVITY[/h]An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.
[h=3]CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN[/h]The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry.
[h=3]“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX[/h]The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.
[h=3]VERBAL ABUSE[/h]The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.
[h=3]RIGID SEX ROLES[/h]The abuser believes in rigid gender roles and sees women as inferior to men and unable to have their own identity. They may see men as the “master of his castle”.
[h=3]DR. JECKYL AND MR. HYDE[/h]The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.
[h=3]PAST BATTERING[/h]The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.
[h=3]THREATS OF VIOLENCE[/h]This includes any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”
[h=3]BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS[/h]This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them.
[h=3]ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT[/h]The abuser may hold the victim down, restrain them from leaving the room, may push, shove, or hold them against a wall.
Adapted from “Project for Victims of Family Violence”, Fayetteville, Arkansas and the Domestic Violence Resource Center of South County materials.

 

[1still_waters]

1. Find yourself repeatedly justifying/minimizing their obvious bad behavior.
2. Super nice, super sympathetic, after completely abusing you verbally or physically.
3. Everything is all about them.
4. No empathy.
5. Lots of charm/charisma with little depth.
6. Extremely irrational/erratic behavior.
7. A win at all costs attitude. If they treat others that way, do you think they won't do it to you?
8. Great with words. Awesome smooth talkers. No substance.
9. They are never wrong.

 

[lil_christian]

This thread is very well done, Jullianna. Thanks for making it, and I hope that anyone that's in a relationship, even if it might be seemingly going smoothly, looks at this and makes sure they're safe and the person they're with is the person they want to marry. And I hope and pray that if anyone is married and finds they're definitely being abused finds the strength to get out. <3

 

[Sonpointer]

Oh, my goodness! I needed this! It describes my last relationship. I would also like to add that a users, man or woman, go after people with low self esteem. That was me. When I do choose to start dating again, I will look for the actions in him that point to his love for Jesus. Thanks.

 

[ServantStrike]

Oh, my goodness! I needed this! It describes my last relationship. I would also like to add that a users, man or woman, go after people with low self esteem. That was me. When I do choose to start dating again, I will look for the actions in him that point to his love for Jesus. Thanks.

Be careful that it's not a front though.

Someone who is overly legalistic about Christianity may have some skeletons in their closet.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Be careful that it's not a front though.

Someone who is overly legalistic about Christianity may have some skeletons in their closet.

True story.

 

[Jullianna]

Oh, my goodness! I needed this! It describes my last relationship. I would also like to add that a users, man or woman, go after people with low self esteem. That was me. When I do choose to start dating again, I will look for the actions in him that point to his love for Jesus. Thanks.

So glad you are here with us, Sonpointer! Welcome!

The others are right though. Even if someone professes Christ, take your time and cautiously observe that they practice what they preach.

 

[rainin]

I can't add anything to the list of red flags presented here. I can say that ignoring them will be the biggest mistake you could ever make. Most abusers can explain away any fears that you may have in the beginning stages of the relationship. It is easy to accept those explanations and excuses because of your feelings for them. If you don't have low self esteem in the beginning of the relationship, they will wear away at it until they have you where they want you....under their control. God has given us good sense in these matters through his Word. Had I used the good sense God gave me in the beginning of the abusive relationship I was in for 20 years, I could have saved myself years of grief and trouble.

If you find yourself getting into a relationship with a person who is presenting these red flags, Run! Don't give them a chance to make excuses or explain away your fears. A person can't abuse you if they can't gain that initial control over you. Once they have you, it's much harder to get out of a relationship like that than it was to get in it.

 

[isaria]

Good point rainin it can be very difficult get out of an abusive relationship.

One dangerous one is where they isolate you and you are all alone.
No friends , nada and often psychiatrists can be incredibly abusive if some one highly educated and smart as ever but in malicious, jealous and obsessive ways the harm they can do is outstandingly amazing and horrid .

As they are sadists they take pleasure in the power kick .
Often the spouse they abuse makes them feel beautiful, powerful, successful , strong and that is the wrong way to feel such things because it is not real then.

Woman can abuse also.

When one can not ask for help even then one knows it is bad or when one asks for help and still can not be helped because it is joked off as nothing or paid off or somehow covered because of the power they have in society that they miss use.

Gimp mask and restraining movements with clothings and golly.


Prayer for the abused people to receive help and a Thank you for those good help them and pray they move on getnew better lives with new relationships.

Many in burka may be forsed to wear one and horrid things occur in there and they beautiful and good and work and forsed live alone like slave and abused, threatened, isolated and have noone turn to for years and years untill finally hope shines to them.........


One was told literally day and night ugly retard and not deserve and only down down down and never once nice uplifting, encouraging.

Talk about reprogramming when leaving abusive partner like that one need reprogram brain and being to be positive, loving, encouraging and supportive and beautiful and all wonderful things he /she spent years and years and years and years literally day and night breaking down has to be reprogrammed and built again.


one abusive may even have hypnotherapy tape to say abusive things and tell to do bad things like "you should die and suffer" and say on low frequencies every day.

 

[Mammachickadee]

I have felt for a very long time that this was a thread we needed in this forum. A post I just read from a new member made me realize how long overdue it is.

Before we begin, I want to state very clearly that both men and women can be abusers and both men and women can suffer abuse. I do not want this thread to turn into a bash session against men. Women do it too. So, please stay on topic and let's not turn this into a gender war thread. The purpose of this thread is SOLELY to help singles identify possible abusive relationships so they can run the other way before it's too late. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, right?

That said, if you have information that could help identify abusive behaviors/relationships, please share it here with others. Again, please, please, please keep a civil tone and share only information that is edifying and beneficial to others who may fall victim to abusive situations. It is my hope that it will be stickied at some point by a mod so that singles in need of this information can readily find it.

God bless you and thank you in advance for your kind assistance, cooperation and prayers for those in abusive situations.

This is one of the best links I've found on the subject. You can find a lot of helpful information there:


Red Flag Campaign | Red Flags for Abusive Relationships
Red Flags for Abusive Relationships

The following is a list of warning signs for potentially abusive relationships. They are presented as guidelines and cues to pay attention to, not as judgments on the worth of the other person.


Question relationships with partners who:

• Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
• Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.
• Don’t work or go to school.
• Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.
• Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.
• Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.
• Are always angry at someone or something.
• Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.
• Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.
• Cheat on you or have lots of partners.
• Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).
• Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.
• Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.
• Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.
• Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.
• Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.
• Make vulgar comments about others in your presence
• Blame all arguments and problems on you.
• Tell you how to dress or act.
• Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.
• Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
• Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).
• Compare you to former partners.

Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:

• You feel afraid to break up with them.
• You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.
• You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.
• You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.
• You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
• You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.
• You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.

Adapted from the Domestic Abuse Project (http://www.domesticabuseproject.org)

Makes you feel isolated. Shuts you out of the family's finances. Won't take no for an answer. Insists everything should be his/her way. Threatens to hurt themself if you ever leave. Proclaims worthlessness if you disagree with them.

 

[1still_waters]

Somewhat related. If you're a friend and in contact with one of these people who won't leave the abusive relationship, keep in contact with them even if you're frustrated with them. You may be the ONLY outside contact they have.

If/when they get to the point they want to leave, they'll need someone to help. If you allow yourself to get frustrated and end communication, they may not have anyone to run to when they decide to leave.

 

[Jullianna]

Thank you all for your input. If we can help even one person it will be a blessing!

 

[rainin]

If I could save one person, it would at least give a bit of meaning to the years I spent being miserable. I would shout it from a roof top if it would help just one.

 

[Robotsamurai]

I'm afraid I've just come out of a semi-abusive relationship. It ended a few months ago after a six week limbo of not seeing her, and her not wanting to see me or leave me. She would communicate via text/email as though everything was ok, but just needed some space. She would tell me things that would generate an interest and prompt me to ask a question, but never provide the answer.

Unfortunately the signs were there beforehand. I was distracted from seeing my friends and family as much so I would see her almost all of the time I was away from work. I loved her so much so I was ok with this, but unfortunately some of the manipulation was there. I still do love her, even though I've been told since that she was no good for me and was damaging me. Joint friends have told me that I was her emotional punching bag for almost two years. It has put me in a bad place spiritually and emotionally. I've had to see a counsellor about this and their opinion was that she was an 'emotional vampire'. Interesting description, but probably accurate. Even now I think what I could have done to make things work, not what she could have done. This thread would have helped me realise the situation I was in and would have helped me take steps to handle the situation or leave the relationship.

I'm certainly no expert in relationships, this was my first serious relationship and I was madly in love. Find someone you call as a good friend you can trust preferably a mature in faith Christian who is married - I know we can feel embarrassed or ashamed and not want to talk to a Christian who we may feel they could judge us, that's how I felt and so I kept quiet. Talk to them about how you're doing in your relationship whether it is good or bad. They will be able to offer help and advice. Most Christians (myself included) aren't experienced in relationships and so don't always recognise the signs.

 

[secularhermit]

Wow! few minutes now I was talking with my mother about THIS...

I wish my brother could read this to correct his problem (which will affect him and others, at the long run).

Part of this is rooted on HOW WE WERE RAISED. Domestic violence is inside mind and "homes" and I have how some women (or men) treat their kids... Once they're grown up, the chain remains.

I'm divorced because my exwife and I couldn't deal with stupid things that spoiled the relation. It wasn't true love and verbal-abusive talk ended up to make us sin.

Thanks for the post!

 

[secularhermit]

Good point rainin it can be very difficult get out of an abusive relationship. (...).

It is easy! It is you who have to open the eyes, while the other wants you to have eyes closed.

That is not a RELATIONSHIP but a kind of fight. How often do we have to fight in a love relationship?

I'd discuss with those I'm supposed to be bonded, but there's not glue to bond a BROKEN relation.

 

[secularhermit]

Woman can abuse also. (...) and say on low frequencies every day.

I agree!

My head has some scars and bad memories to prove it.

 

[secularhermit]

1. Find yourself repeatedly justifying/minimizing their obvious bad behavior.
2. Super nice, super sympathetic, after completely abusing you verbally or physically.
3. Everything is all about them.
4. No empathy.
5. Lots of charm/charisma with little depth.
6. Extremely irrational/erratic behavior.
7. A win at all costs attitude. If they treat others that way, do you think they won't do it to you?
8. Great with words. Awesome smooth talkers. No substance.
9. They are never wrong.

I'm copying this list, too. Thanks Admin!