Husband's female friend wanting advice and what to do if this happens again

[spunkycat08]

The reason why I am posting this is to find out what to do if this happens again.


This post is regarding my husband, who has been a Christian since 1991. He feels that his calling is to help people with their problems. When he was young, his mom told him that he is a good listener. He chose to honor what his mom told him by helping people with their problems.


One particular person who wanted his help several months ago was a female friend of his. According to my husband, he met her through one of his ex-girlfriends several years ago. At that time, the two of them exchanged phone numbers. Since both of them lived in different parts of the city where we live, they chose to communicate by phone and Facebook.


Here is why his female friend wanted his help….


She was in a long-distance relationship with a guy whom she met in Wisconsin while on vacation, and he broke it off. According to her, the two of them were engaged.


Several months ago she called our home phone number and left a message for him to call her. She sounded frustrated. So my husband called her, but he got her voice mail. She called from her cell phone. Eventually he was able to reach her. That is when he found out that her fiancé broke off their engagement. My husband does not know if her fiancé was living in Wisconsin or if he moved to where his female friend lives. Then a couple of days later she called again while both of us were at home. He let her know that he was married, and he gave her some encouragement. He let me know that she told him that she was happy for him regarding his marriage and that she would not cause problems in our marriage. The next night she called again, but my husband did not answer the phone. We have caller id, & he recognized her phone number. He let her phone call roll over to our answering machine, but she did not leave a message. For about 3 weeks she continued to call and not leave messages. She would call during the day when both of us were at work. Eventually she did stop calling.


Several months after this happened, someone having a Wisconsin cell phone number called our home phone one afternoon while we were both at work. The caller did not leave a message on our voice mail. Our answering machine message has both of our voices on it. I wondered if that person was her ex fiancé at the time.


Here are my questions…


How much advice should a married man give to a single female friend?
At what point should the wife step in if needed? How should the wife approach the female friend?
What should the husband do if this happens again?

 

[mystdancer50]

I have always believed that if a woman wants to speak to a pastor, the pastor's wife should be present and the same if a man wishes to meet with the pastor's wife, then her husband should be present. In regards to what you've stated, maybe if you could be a part of the counseling/advising, it would be best. If not, I would say that he refer her to a therapist or to a female friend. There are emotional bonds that form even in the most careful of times. I would rather err on the side of caution than have something arise.

Now, before anyone says I'm 'paranoid' and 'stuffy', let me just say that a pastor who has led the church for many years, was vital in my foundational standards, recently had an affair on his wife. This man is in his 50's, the woman he cheated on his wife with is in her 20's, had been attending the church and was being counseled by him. He has since left his wife and his calling as a pastor in order to live with this woman.

No one is immune. We must step back from our pride and acknowledge our frailty and find ways to stay alert, awake and on guard.

A advising session once or twice is fine, I think, but if it is a continual thing, a daily thing, a constant thing, then a man should have his wife present.

 

[OneWayOnlyJesus]

The above advice is really good and smart. Your marriage is first, but you can direct her to a pastor, etc. I would be very careful in this situation.

 

[brokenclay]

Dear sister: I'm praying for your husband's protection. Your husband needs to direct her to you. If she refuses to speak with you; then that "desperately wicked and deceitful heart"; according to what God's word describes; is being willingly ignorant of Satan at work here. And obviously your husband's pride is blinding him to the wiles of the devil. You and your opinions should be sought by your husband and honoured. Not what he thinks is his calling. There are many broken hearted husbands and wives on here because Satan has burned them. I'm no exception. I am even more vulnerable online. Praying for a deep conviction of the Holy Spirit to take hold of your husband and the need for repentance. Sincerely, your brother in Christ.

 

[presidente]

Jesus spoke to the woman at the well. No one was around at the time, and she had been married and had a man who wasn't her husband. Such behavior was scandalous. So I'm not going to throw stones.

But we also have to exercise wisdom. A lot of pastors who do counseling will have their wives or some other woman in the room during counseling sessions with a woman. Another approach is to have a glass window that other people in the office can see through to make sure there were no opportunities to accuse them of doing anything appropriate. Still, a lot of pastors advise against one-on-one counseling. Spending time talking about intimate problems can lead to some inappropriate feelings for some people, especially if there is some physical attraction there. The woman in this case might be looking for male attention and approval if that is something she desires to comfort herself emotionally.

I've had a female student with all kinds of personal problems that you might not want to discuss in public drop by the office before. I've kept the door open, but that's not good for her type of issues. I wanted to minister to her more, but I wanted to introduce her to my wife so we could do it together, but she didn't take me up on my offer, and she didn't take my advice either. My approach is to get my wife involved. Of course, she is skilled and gifted at counseling (not in the professional, licensed sense) people through problems. If I were married to a spiritual immature person with a difficult personality that would cause problems while talking with people, and I had an opportunity to minister one on one with someone, I don't know how I would handle that. Maybe having another women in the room would be a good alternative.

There is the issue of if someone sins you confront the person one on one, so I think there needs to be opportunities for individual men and women to speak to each other in this case.

 

[presidente]

Jesus spoke to the woman at the well. No one was around at the time, and she had been married and had a man who wasn't her husband. I've heard that such behavior was scandalous, probably moreso than in our culture, and that Christ was violating cultural norms. The text shows that He was doing so in talking to a Samaritan. I don't know if the part about talking to a female projects some mores from a different time period on the first century or not. So I'm not going to throw stones.

But we also have to exercise wisdom. A lot of pastors who do counseling will have their wives or some other woman in the room during counseling sessions with a woman. Another approach is to have a glass window that other people in the office can see through to make sure there were no opportunities to accuse them of doing anything appropriate. Still, a lot of pastors advise against one-on-one counseling. Spending time talking about intimate problems can lead to some inappropriate feelings for some people, especially if there is some physical attraction there. The woman in this case might be looking for male attention and approval if that is something she desires to comfort herself emotionally.

I've had a female student with all kinds of personal problems that you might not want to discuss in public drop by the office before. I've kept the door open, but that's not good for her type of issues. I wanted to minister to her more, but I wanted to introduce her to my wife so we could do it together, but she didn't take me up on my offer, and she didn't take my advice either. My approach is to get my wife involved. Of course, she is skilled and gifted at counseling (not in the professional, licensed sense) people through problems. If I were married to a spiritual immature person with a difficult personality that would cause problems while talking with people, and I had an opportunity to minister one on one with someone, I don't know how I would handle that. Maybe having another women in the room would be a good alternative.

There is the issue of if someone sins you confront the person one on one, so I think there needs to be opportunities for individual men and women to speak to each other in this case.

 

[mystdancer50]

Firstly, though all of us Christians desire to be like Christ, none of us can claim to be anywhere near His level.

Secondly, that is why I said that one session is not a bad thing, but if it's continuous, precautions must be taken. Jesus met with the Samaritan woman once at the well, not multiple times.

Good response, presidente. You shared some things many should consider. We all want to help others, but we must always be aware that we are sinful people who are still subject to the whims of our flesh. Though we are empowered by Holy Spirit, we can easily refuse to obey and give in to our natural desires at the moment.

 

[Toska]

I think you got some very sound advice from the people who have already posted. I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you, your husband, and his female friend. This does sound like a very delicate situation, I am grateful that you came here asking for advice and received such excellent responses. God Bless.

 

[overcomer2]

What we do is if this person wants advice we do it together. We are one, so, maybe understanding that you will be listening and participating in the conversation and keeping watch over what God has given you to keep watch over will help quench any fiery darts of the evil one or just any ungodly thoughts that either of them may have, (if there are any).

 

[alexis]

My youthful opinion...

Okay I have seeked guidance from male teachers or male fathers of my friends... Here is the catch one, if it's advice make sure it is the right person she seeks it from. If your husband is clergy or a therapist she should seek him at his office and do so appropriately. If he is not, that doesn't mean he has nothing to offer but she needs to be appropriate. His wisdom on marriage is related to you two. He in my opinion should say something like sure let's talk, you my wife and me. Just a possibility...

All these people I've seeked help from were either a teacher at school (never away from school should we seek them out) a minister or therapist at their offices or in home with wife and children present if a minister.

For what it's worth if I were you I'd step in and say, yes talk to us. Literally tell her we are available to give you advice. Your husband sounds amazing, yet if he feels called to council he should pursue doing so professionally. I read it as he is just really nice and didn't want to tell her, hey I'm married you need to call someone else... I may be wrong.

As girls we are responsible to assist men who wish to guide us with boundaries.. Not saying what she is doing is bad, but I would think she should know better.

God bless and know I am not judging. Just sharing my true thoughts.. Also you sound fortunate to have an amazing husband.

all my love to you and your husband both,
lexi

 

[maxwel]

How much advice should a married man give to a single female friend?

Zero.

It's inappropriate for a married man to be counseling a woman.
It's completely unacceptable.

The BEST thing is to send a single woman to another woman for counseling.

In your current situation, the man should make it clear that he IS NOT going to counsel her further, and that he would be happy to recommend a mature Christian woman to counsel her. But you need to make it clear that all counseling is done, and over. Period.

If your husband doesn't understand this, you need to explain to him that this is disrespectful to you, and it makes you uncomfortable, and you want him to stop.

If he WON'T STOP DOING THIS SORT OF STUFF... well... then HE NEEDS COUNSELING.

 

[spunkycat08]

I would like to thank everyone for their replies.

The female friend mentioned in this post has not called again after she stopped calling. But if she does, I will use the advice that I got from the members who replied to my post.

I do wonder if her ex fiance called us and did not leave a voice mail. I mentioned in my original post that someone having a Wisconsin cell phone number called us but did not leave a message. Her ex fiance is from Wisconsin. The reason why I wonder is that she could have visited him after their breakup, and he found our phone number in her cell phone by looking at the phone calls that she made. Our phone number is under my husbands name. If she did not erase those phone calls, then he may have called our number to find out why she called another male several times after their breakup wanting an answer as to why. But since both of our voices are on the answering machine message, then he had more questions than answers.

According to my husband, she has not contacted him via Facebook in a while. This makes me wonder what happened.

 

[homwardbound]

The reason why I am posting this is to find out what to do if this happens again.


This post is regarding my husband, who has been a Christian since 1991. He feels that his calling is to help people with their problems. When he was young, his mom told him that he is a good listener. He chose to honor what his mom told him by helping people with their problems.


One particular person who wanted his help several months ago was a female friend of his. According to my husband, he met her through one of his ex-girlfriends several years ago. At that time, the two of them exchanged phone numbers. Since both of them lived in different parts of the city where we live, they chose to communicate by phone and Facebook.


Here is why his female friend wanted his help….


She was in a long-distance relationship with a guy whom she met in Wisconsin while on vacation, and he broke it off. According to her, the two of them were engaged.


Several months ago she called our home phone number and left a message for him to call her. She sounded frustrated. So my husband called her, but he got her voice mail. She called from her cell phone. Eventually he was able to reach her. That is when he found out that her fiancé broke off their engagement. My husband does not know if her fiancé was living in Wisconsin or if he moved to where his female friend lives. Then a couple of days later she called again while both of us were at home. He let her know that he was married, and he gave her some encouragement. He let me know that she told him that she was happy for him regarding his marriage and that she would not cause problems in our marriage. The next night she called again, but my husband did not answer the phone. We have caller id, & he recognized her phone number. He let her phone call roll over to our answering machine, but she did not leave a message. For about 3 weeks she continued to call and not leave messages. She would call during the day when both of us were at work. Eventually she did stop calling.


Several months after this happened, someone having a Wisconsin cell phone number called our home phone one afternoon while we were both at work. The caller did not leave a message on our voice mail. Our answering machine message has both of our voices on it. I wondered if that person was her ex fiancé at the time.


Here are my questions…


How much advice should a married man give to a single female friend?
At what point should the wife step in if needed? How should the wife approach the female friend?
What should the husband do if this happens again?

only what is needed for the other to not transfer Faith from God to the one trying to help.
Object of my Faith is Christ to Father, and by Faith we are connected. This is what is to be passed out to others, and when another starts with another outside of Christ as their object of Faith is when it is time to cut off the help of the other.
And it is not good for a man to counsel a woman, never in private, it can and does lead to stupidity over the lust of flesh, through emotional attaching.

Now please do not interfere in what this is going on unless your Husband asks. why?
Because without him asking and you do is easily misinterpreted as to you do not trust me.
My wife and I had a business in the past, and in this happening, she would receive phone calls of others leading her to be Jealous.
And I loved her responses, in as I know where my bed is and sleep in it well. Now that is trust, beyond measure and shut the other up.
A fire always goes out when no wood is put on it.
Talk to your Husband and ask him what you should do from his viewpoint
When I am trusted, I have two choices in that trust to be trusted and real or take advantage of.
I hear you said he is going about it in the right manner.
But I guarantee you this. you accuse, you put wood on a fire that needs not be started, and she the other is surely trying to start it, IMHO.
Stand by Faith and let the fire not start, and both of you talk together and learn for future things that will come
Honesty with each other, is the best policy no matter what.
If you are going along now and someone says to you well your Husband said this, say right back I will call him, right now, and visa versa, this way as I see you are both going to help others in need, neither of you will be able to be played as Children try to do to their parents well Dad said and Mom said, to create arguments, whether they meant to or not is not the issue,
Praying you see God's wisdom as I think you already do
Love to you both in helping others to see the freedom found in Christ alone

 

[homwardbound]

Firstly, though all of us Christians desire to be like Christ, none of us can claim to be anywhere near His level.

Secondly, that is why I said that one session is not a bad thing, but if it's continuous, precautions must be taken. Jesus met with the Samaritan woman once at the well, not multiple times.

Good response, presidente. You shared some things many should consider. We all want to help others, but we must always be aware that we are sinful people who are still subject to the whims of our flesh. Though we are empowered by Holy Spirit, we can easily refuse to obey and give in to our natural desires at the moment.

Yes help others you see in need, yet count the cost first as to whether you are called to do so or you might be drawn in as well and much trouble can arise
So maybe do as Christ said to the disciples to trust God to do the works needed through you as in Matt 10:16-20. Be the News boy, not the editor, and watch out for flesh emotions that easily take over and do the leading, that is the thief that Christ spoke of in John 10:10, when one's emotions are in the lead, one is in danger, just as What God said to Cain, that sin was crouching at his door, emotionally hurt feelings
So let us each learn when and when not to, trusting God to show and teach us the discernment

 

[tripsin]

Zero.

It's inappropriate for a married man to be counseling a woman.
It's completely unacceptable.

The BEST thing is to send a single woman to another woman for counseling.

In your current situation, the man should make it clear that he IS NOT going to counsel her further, and that he would be happy to recommend a mature Christian woman to counsel her. But you need to make it clear that all counseling is done, and over. Period.

If your husband doesn't understand this, you need to explain to him that this is disrespectful to you, and it makes you uncomfortable, and you want him to stop.

If he WON'T STOP DOING THIS SORT OF STUFF... well... then HE NEEDS COUNSELING.

Absolutely maxwel. I was just now trying to figure out how to express this exactly as you have! No ifs, ands ,buts or 'spiritual' niceties about it.

 

[ServantStrike]

Zero.

It's inappropriate for a married man to be counseling a woman.
It's completely unacceptable.

The BEST thing is to send a single woman to another woman for counseling.

In your current situation, the man should make it clear that he IS NOT going to counsel her further, and that he would be happy to recommend a mature Christian woman to counsel her. But you need to make it clear that all counseling is done, and over. Period.

If your husband doesn't understand this, you need to explain to him that this is disrespectful to you, and it makes you uncomfortable, and you want him to stop.

If he WON'T STOP DOING THIS SORT OF STUFF... well... then HE NEEDS COUNSELING.

So countless pastors, psychologists, and psychiatrists are doing it wrong?

Now, if you aren't one of those three professions, then things are different, and may in fact be an excuse to have an emotional affair. But I don't know that broad sweeping generalizations are any more than just that, broad and sweeping.

In this case though, it sounds like this is a serious threat to the marriage at hand. This woman is NOT good news.

 

[Angela53510]

Max is right! Counseling should be either couples together, with a man or woman, or man to man or woman to woman.

There is just too much temptation, even for the most godly and trained person to go astray. You are lucky your husband did not this time, but what about the 10th or 100th time?

Is he even qualified in any way to offer advice? Listening is an incredible skill, but you need to move the person forward, and that requires training, mentoring etc. Perhaps your husband needs to pull back on this, or get some training. One of the things he will learn, is not to counsel women, I assure you!

Praying that you can convince your husband he is doing more harm than good when he is going one-to-one with a woman.

 

[maxwel]

So countless pastors, psychologists, and psychiatrists are doing it wrong?

Now, if you aren't one of those three professions, then things are different, and may in fact be an excuse to have an emotional affair. But I don't know that broad sweeping generalizations are any more than just that, broad and sweeping.

In this case though, it sounds like this is a serious threat to the marriage at hand. This woman is NOT good news.

Servantstrike,

You seem like a nice guy, so I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just trying to clarify a few things.


1. Psychologists and Psychiatrists are generally not Christians, and if they are, they're generally not giving Biblical counseling... so they are irrelevant to this discussion. We're only talking about how Christians should be doing counseling.
(If I was unclear about that, then I'm sorry.)


2. Pastors, who have any wisdom and discernment, are VERY careful about HOW they counsel a woman.

A. First of all, they're meeting her at their office, a professional environment, not here and there and all over.

B. Next, that office is usually a place where others are around, so there can be witnesses to anything occurring.

C. Most pastors, when counseling with a woman, will be in an office with windows, and usually leave their own office door open during the session. These measures protect the pastor from ever being accused of anything inappropriate.

D. Whenever possible, a good pastor will turn a woman over to another mature Christian woman for further counsel, and mentoring.

E. A good pastor will never give marital or relationship counseling without both parties present.



So basically, psychologists and psychiatrists aren't germane to this topic, and pastors do sometimes counsel a women, but with a great many precautions in place.

 

[Angela53510]

Max is right! This is what I was taught both in Seminary and by my pastor about counseling. As for non-Christians counselors, that is a totally different game. Although they can be helpful, if they have the right skills and attitudes.

But many secular counselors just tell the couple to break up. That happen to a non-Christian friend of mine. She went for marriage counseling and was told she could leave. She walked out of the office and left her husband the next day. That is why a Biblical counselor is generally a better option.

 

[Ugly]

Servantstrike,

You seem like a nice guy, so I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just trying to clarify a few things.


1. Psychologists and Psychiatrists are generally not Christians, and if they are, they're generally not giving Biblical counseling... so they are irrelevant to this discussion. We're only talking about how Christians should be doing counseling.

And you know this from firsthand knowledge of personal experience through the majority of these people? Or just another broad statement that you can't actually verify?