I am a fan of casual dating. (Note: that does not equal "casual sex.") No expectations. No sex. No commitments. When or if we feel that the relationship is going somewhere, then it's time make it exclusive, meet the family, that sort of thing.
I practiced courtship the first time around when I was 18, and I was married 9 months later. He asked my father's permission, spent a lot of time with my family, and I had a 10 pm curfew until the day I got married. In public, his manners were impeccable; and he knew all the good Christian things to say. He seemed great, but since we spent little time alone, I never really got to know his true character.
Courtship puts a lot of pressure on the relationship working out when you should be just be getting to know each other. And when you are just stepping out into the dating world, you don't really know what a healthy—or toxic—relationship looks like. You need to be free to meet different people so you get to know who you are in a relationship and what works for you.
Since I have been divorced, I learned how to date without expectations. When you think about it, all relationships are temporary; you just don't know the expiration date ahead of time. You might be together for a few months, a few decades, or just a really fun evening together (again, not talking about sex). I meet a lot of people, I know what I am looking for, and I have a really good time without heartache.
People don't accidentally have sex. I can have a man (one that I already trust) over to my house for dinner and Netflix without losing control. For that matter, a guy that I dated for several months spent the night on my couch a few times. My son was home, and so were my sister and her husband. Nothing wrong with that at all. Boundaries are clearly set up, and I don't date guys who pressure me for more. I can hold hands or exchange a quick kiss without losing all control (long kiss is a different story). But perhaps I am different because I had a very active sex life for 10 years so I know where I stand sexually; I'm not just speaking theoretically.
If I am dating someone, then there is definitely going to be physical contact by way of hugs or leaning my head on his shoulder because that's just how I roll. And as idealistic as the never-touching thing is, I think there are some pitfalls to consider.
1.) As someone who has given marital counseling, I know too many women who have had "sex=bad" drilled into their head for so long that they are unable to turn that off. You can start thinking of the body as taboo or dirty, and that can lead to really difficult problems in marriage.
2.) Anyone see that
clip from the Virgin Diaries? As Ellen said, "Kissing should involve a lot less chewing." You can tell how someone is going to be in bed by how they kiss (usually). You don't want a bad/selfish/creepy one.
3.) How are you going to go from from nothing to everything in an afternoon without being so tense that it is a very unpleasant experience?
4.) You really need to have an idea of the libido/desire of the person you are marrying because that will effect you. Every day. For the rest of your life. Without having sex, you can get an idea of that with how they respond physically with you. If your fiance is an ice queen, then your wife will probably be one, too.
I mean, think about it. How can you spend 30 years repressing part of you, then expect it to pop up healthy and ready to go? Even while celibate, you need to accept yourself as a sexual being but chose to walk in purity by the power of the Lord.
