Leonard (Nimoy) vs. Leonardo (DiCaprio) [Guys, What are Your Insecurities?]

[Groundhog]

Another thing that I think guys are insecure about is their girlfirends or wives. Here is a big secret ladies...most guys are never completely sure about whether they are keeping the woman in their life happy in the relationship and it is often something they take seriuosly because it often weighs on their hearts. There is always that question in their minds about whether they said something wrong or made a choice you didnt like or are going down a path you dont like, or did they not treat you as well as they should have, etc.. And if they fail at keeping the woman happy, then they often see themselves as a failure as a man...at least temporarily, sometimes longer.

I agree with this statement. And I would add that fear of failure is one of the most profound fears for a man--something Mr. "Wild at Heart" John Eldridge got right.

 

[dovey]

Saw the most amazing thing today on LIFE Todya...the Life for Limbs guy..Nick something! What an amazing guy! I think what is so attractive about him is that he is allowing God to do the best He can with what God gave him!! check it out online! amazing! Wholeness is attractive! Jesus is Attractive!

 

[dovey]

I have a question for you guys...if a guy sees himself as a failure do you think it is harder for him to snap out of it than a girl? Is it a deeper problem for men?...especially non-Christians? I have seen some people stunted by this problem.

 

[MahogonySnail]

Dovey, guys always see themselves as failures, and there's your answer, always on a low.

 

[Matthew]

I really don't get the idea of pursuit, whether by man or woman. All of my relationships have grown up organically and, by the time I felt comfortable enough with a person to discuss dating, we'd already spent enough time together that it was barely a blip on the radar.

Do people really try to cajole each other into dating? Do people really pursue? We're talking about mates, not errant cattle.

That's my view as well and it puts me out of step with most people I've known around my age, I never consider trying to impress someone or to make myself romantically appealing by pursuing them.

I just try and get to know people and if we like eachother a lot then things can just evolve that way, I have always approached it like that because it seems like the healthy way, by the time it's evolved into a romantic relationship I can be sure it is because we have gotten to know eachother and feel confident in that other person, it's not based on a facade of confidence and gestures that don't really show who a person really is.

I don't believe in putting the responsibility with one gender, if I really wanted to get to know a woman I would ask her to spend some time with me and hope she'd say yes, but if a woman wanted to spend time with me I hope she'd ask, I am not a mind reader and so if a woman is waiting to be asked out I might never realise, we can't expect the opposite sex to make all the effort.

 

[Matthew]

I have a question for you guys...if a guy sees himself as a failure do you think it is harder for him to snap out of it than a girl? Is it a deeper problem for men?...especially non-Christians? I have seen some people stunted by this problem.

I would say gender aside it is harder for non-christians as they don't feel like they have that other level of support that christians do.

But as for men and women I don't think it is harder for either one, I think it's more about personality than gender, if someone is rejected a few times the confidence falls through the floor and from there is it really hard to feel good about yourself, and if you feel bad about yourself you aren't going to seem attractive to anyone and then it just goes on like that.
I know sometimes men overcompensate for feeling that way by trying to act more 'manly' but that often makes things worse.

 

[dovey]

Dont you guys now that that is a lie! That brings out the motherly side of me and makes me tear up a bit! You are a beautiful creation of God, you are not a failure...and you are well loved.....really really really really well loved!!!! not a failure! a beautiful man of God!

 

[seoulsearch]

Hey everyone,

Great discussion going on here... I'm really glad people are sharing because you're pointing out some things I hadn't thought of before.

I was once friends with a guy who told me about some of the struggles he was having in his life--including wrestling with old guilt from a past situation in which an ex-girlfriend was in an abusive situation and he felt he should have stepped in and done something about it. But, he was only 15 years old at the time and didn't know what to do. Several years had passed... we were in our mid-twenties... and he told me, "Kim, I was scared then... just a kid... but if he hurts her again, I'm a grown man now, and I can do something about it." Unfortunately, we lost touch... I sometimes think about him and hope God has helped him become the man he was meant to be (and I pray it was without violent confrontations.)

I'll never forget that conversation, because it gave me insight into the tremendous amount of pressure guys must feel to not only take care of themselves, but everyone else around them, most especially the woman they love.

I do want to say though that God never created man with the sole purpose in his life of making a woman happy--a man's first purpose is to follow God's direction in his life, as it is for all of us. And maybe this brings up the point that we ladies have to stop expecting a man to make us happy--I'm sorry for the undue expectations we have sometimes placed on you. Sure, having someone can enrich your life immensely, but we all need to be free of things like the unhealthy chains of co-dependency... Guys, it's not up to you completely to fulfill a woman's happiness so if think you you've "failed because you didn't make a woman happy", you haven't failed at all, because God did not make that your job.

I don't know of any Scriptures that say, "A husband is to make his wife totally, completely happy or else he has failed."

Having said that, since we women are designed to be help-mates, how can we help in making a man feel successful and encouraged? (I'm talking about within a healthy context here--not in situations where a person has such a black hole inside emotionally that no amount of compliments or encouragement will help, only a touch from God.) But in a healthy relationship, how can we women encourage you in accomplishing your purpose in life?

I heard a very interesting teaching CD recently in which the speaker (Kevin Leal) stated: "If a man doesn't know his purpose, a woman will have a hard time knowing where she fits in." (Because God designed that part of the the purpose of a woman is to help a man accomplish his own purpose.)

 

[Groundhog]

One thing that would help would be to stop all this nonsense about "purpose" in our lives. We do have a purpose, and it is this: love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. We are to do good in the world. That's the purpose. Beyond that, we have free will to decide what our job will be, or who we will marry, etc. God hasn't picked out a mate for us, or decided where we will live, or planned what career we ought to have; we have the freedom to decide those things for ourselves. It makes a guy feel like a real failure if you tell him that God has picked out the perfect job and the perfect mate for him, and that our job is to figure out what God has planned so that we can go after exactly those things, then the guy will constantly be worried that he is with the wrong person or in the wrong career because he will not be certain that he is on the life-track that God planned for him. This is complete bull. God can use anyone, anywhere for his purposes--and those purposes are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If you are exercising those virtues and trying to be a blessing to those around you, then it really doesn't matter what your job is, or whether you are married, etc. If you do those things, you are following God. Period. Everything else is just details.

 

[seoulsearch]

One thing that would help would be to stop all this nonsense about "purpose" in our lives. We do have a purpose, and it is this: love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. We are to do good in the world. That's the purpose. Beyond that, we have free will to decide what our job will be, or who we will marry, etc. God hasn't picked out a mate for us, or decided where we will live, or planned what career we ought to have; we have the freedom to decide those things for ourselves. It makes a guy feel like a real failure if you tell him that God has picked out the perfect job and the perfect mate for him, and that our job is to figure out what God has planned so that we can go after exactly those things, then the guy will constantly be worried that he is with the wrong person or in the wrong career because he will not be certain that he is on the life-track that God planned for him. This is complete bull. God can use anyone, anywhere for his purposes--and those purposes are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If you are exercising those virtues and trying to be a blessing to those around you, then it really doesn't matter what your job is, or whether you are married, etc. If you do those things, you are following God. Period. Everything else is just details.

I understand what you're saying, Groundhog. I wonder the what was meant in the teaching I heard... or if the speaker was just plain wrong?

I always wonder about whether God "chooses" someone for us or not... after reading your post... maybe not. Same with a career, etc.? Am not sure.

 

[Groundhog]

I understand what you're saying, Groundhog. I wonder the what was meant in the teaching I heard... or if the speaker was just plain wrong?

I always wonder about whether God "chooses" someone for us or not... after reading your post... maybe not. Same with a career, etc.? Am not sure.

Not everyone agrees with me on this stuff. I just see a lot of the "purpose" talk as dangerous, because it makes us constantly wonder whether we're doing the right thing. From what I read in the New Testament, it doesn't matter whether you're male or female, married or single, Jew or Greek, a wealthy socialite or a dirt-poor widow, as long as you are being a blessing to those around you, putting others before yourself, and humbling yourself before God.

The circumstances of our life push and pull us in different directions, as do our own choices. Who we marry (or don't marry), where we live, how much money we make, etc, are all determined by certain life circumstances (like where we are born, what kind of family we're born into, etc) and our own choices. What God cares about are matters of the spirit. He wants the rich socialite and the poor widow to both have their priorities straight. If you are being loving, gentle, forgiving, etc., then you are following God's plan.

 

[seoulsearch]

Not everyone agrees with me on this stuff. I just see a lot of the "purpose" talk as dangerous, because it makes us constantly wonder whether we're doing the right thing. From what I read in the New Testament, it doesn't matter whether you're male or female, married or single, Jew or Greek, a wealthy socialite or a dirt-poor widow, as long as you are being a blessing to those around you, putting others before yourself, and humbling yourself before God.

The circumstances of our life push and pull us in different directions, as do our own choices. Who we marry (or don't marry), where we live, how much money we make, etc, are all determined by certain life circumstances (like where we are born, what kind of family we're born into, etc) and our own choices. What God cares about are matters of the spirit. He wants the rich socialite and the poor widow to both have their priorities straight. If you are being loving, gentle, forgiving, etc., then you are following God's plan.

I think your insights are very thought-provoking, and thank you for sharing them.

I guess when I think of purpose, my personal definition means a ministry interest... probably just because I'm currently surrounded by people who all seem to have a specific "calling" into various areas of ministry. I have yet to find mine, though I've tried lots of different things and participated in lots of classes, outreaches, and activities...

But I do agree that at some point, following God's plan for our lives does mean living our everyday lives and reaching others just being ourselves, because in doing so, our faith can influence those around us.

 

[ChristopherMichael]

Dovey, guys always see themselves as failures,

Not true at all.

- Topher