I am struggling with a decision to have a second child

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emcmahon2288

Guest
#1
#1
I am a housewife who gets up everyday, cleans up the house, washes dishes, washes clothes, cooks, works out, takes care of the baby, etc... My husband wants to have another child and I would love to have another one as well but the problem is he does not help with changing the baby's diaper, bathe her, dress her up, feed her, keep up with her energy, does not wake up at all in the middle of the night if she wakes up. What he does do is provide her with a great life as far as for material possessions and gives her a couple of minutes of his time a day. I respect that he is a hard worker but I am not ok with him being the typical man who thinks a woman who stays at home cleans, cooks and takes care of the kids and the man works. A man should not have to do a women's job and vice versa. I am not ok with this type if thinking and I'm not sure if this is wrong. If he's not working he's either in the garage working on his cars or laying on the couch watching tv with the tablet on his hand and that's how he spends the rest of the day and evening. I would like help at home is it right to ask for help from him
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#2
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,961
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#2
Your husband sounds spiritually immature to me. A real man helps out with the children, in real ways. He is their father, and that means he needs to model the love of Christ. Christ tells us to serve others.

"The greatest among you shall be your servant." Matt 23:11

"submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Eph. 5:21

I think you need to go to marriage counseling, and maybe your husband needs some personal counseling. I don't blame you for not wanting another child, and being locked into some artificial role which is to your husband's advantage only. My husband was a good worker and provider, and worked on cars, but he was always there to help with the children. He was a great father, modeling that everyone needs to help out in the family.

Praying you can get some counseling and help for your husband and marriage.
 
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kayem77

Guest
#3
#3
Of course it is right to ask for help! You should be able to communicate all your worries to your husband, and he should be willing to listen. What's not ok (man or woman) is to demand,nag, manipulate, and control. Marriage is about serving one another out of love for Christ, which would lead to each of you serving in the role God has designed for man and woman.

A man who loves his wife like Christ loves the church loves and serves first, and lovingly leads his house. A woman who loves Christ loves and respects her husband's role as a leader and follows him. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't ask him for help, or that her place is the kitchen only, or that she is a doormat. Just like God wants us to leave our burdens at His feet and come to him and rely on him, a husband should do the same (in a limited sense of course, sinc he is not God).

It seems to me that your husband has a skewed perception of biblical roles. You should definitely talk to him.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
As a guy i'll chime in.
Yes, you have the right to ask. That is just as much his child as yours. And children are emotional beings that have certain needs as they grow and develop. And part of that is their fathers interaction with them. Little girls get much of their self esteem from their relationship with their father. Granted much of the responsibilities of the home fall into your lap. But again, its not just your home, he lives there too. So he could do things here and there.
And as kayem said, nagging, demanding, etc is Not the way to go. Neither is dropping hints. Women have a tendency to imply what they want or need or expect from a man and think its his job to read these cryptic messages. Wrong. Men are direct creatures. If you want something from a man ask him. I suggest sit down and discuss it with him first rather than jumping into counseling. Not in an attacking, critical, whiny or nagging manner. Also don't make it a long issue. Women have a tendency to draw things out, men prefer to get to the point. Tell him what the problem is and if you can sit and talk together about how to make some positive changes for your family and that will help you as well. Do this calmly and without being pushy. Maybe have this conversation a few times if nothing changes. Over the course of a few weeks. If nothing still changes then consider counseling. Or even setting up an appointment with your pastor to go in as a couple for some marital training. That may be preferable to try first over counseling.
 
homwardbound

homwardbound

Senior Member
#5
Oct 24, 2012
16,906
617
113
#5
emcmahon2288 said:
I am a housewife who gets up everyday, cleans up the house, washes dishes, washes clothes, cooks, works out, takes care of the baby, etc... My husband wants to have another child and I would love to have another one as well but the problem is he does not help with changing the baby's diaper, bathe her, dress her up, feed her, keep up with her energy, does not wake up at all in the middle of the night if she wakes up. What he does do is provide her with a great life as far as for material possessions and gives her a couple of minutes of his time a day. I respect that he is a hard worker but I am not ok with him being the typical man who thinks a woman who stays at home cleans, cooks and takes care of the kids and the man works. A man should not have to do a women's job and vice versa. I am not ok with this type if thinking and I'm not sure if this is wrong. If he's not working he's either in the garage working on his cars or laying on the couch watching tv with the tablet on his hand and that's how he spends the rest of the day and evening. I would like help at home is it right to ask for help from him
Click to expand...
Ask him to communicate to you what is his belief and that you feel that you are being taken for granted, that you would love to have another child and at the same time you need help. That you know he is the bread winner and that you appreciate that, and as well as when his day is done from work, you also need relief from your day of the household that does not end at any given moment.
Praying he listens and sees it from your shoes as you are willing to see from his
 
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emcmahon2288

Guest
#6
#6
I have asked my husband nicely to help around the house and he says NO and when he does help he does it with a bad attitude. Or he will say "you are so ungrateful a lot if women would die to be in your place why can't you just be happy about the fact that you don't have to worry about paying the bills or making money" which is true but what good does that do me if I don't have te moral support. I don't nag or demand. I ask nicely and he still doesn't do things I ask him to do or he will do them when he feels like it which can take up to months or does them with a bad attitude. I have taken this issue with the pastor and his wife and here is what I basically got out of it was "well is there something you're missing financially?" I say NO and they will also say at least he spends ten min with your daughter some children never even see their fathers. And I say that's not the point. The point is he is not setting the right example by smoking his Brains out in the garage all day along with working on cars and if he's not doing that he is on the couch watching tv and with the tablet on his hand. What kind if example is he going to set for the children. And if I ask for help it turns into me being ungrateful, wanting more or the situation just gets bad. I'm not sure if we are getting counseling from the right pastor. They basically ask me to deal with it an de grateful. I'm so confused :(
 
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emcmahon2288

Guest
#7
#7
Re: I am struggling with a decision to have a second child
I have asked my husband nicely to help around the house and he says NO and when he does help he does it with a bad attitude. Or he will say "you are so ungrateful a lot if women would die to be in your place why can't you just be happy about the fact that you don't have to worry about paying the bills or making money" which is true but what good does that do me if I don't have te moral support. I don't nag or demand. I ask nicely and he still doesn't do things I ask him to do or he will do them when he feels like it which can take up to months or does them with a bad attitude. I have taken this issue with the pastor and his wife and here is what I basically got out of it was "well is there something you're missing financially?" I say NO and they will also say at least he spends ten min with your daughter some children never even see their fathers. And I say that's not the point. The point is he is not setting the right example by smoking his Brains out in the garage all day along with working on cars and if he's not doing that he is on the couch watching tv and with the tablet on his hand. What kind if example is he going to set for the children. And if I ask for help it turns into me being ungrateful, wanting more or the situation just gets bad. I'm not sure if we are getting counseling from the right pastor. They basically ask me to deal with it an de grateful. I'm so confused
 
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emcmahon2288

Guest
#8
#8
I don't drop hints I get directly to the point but takes it as I want to be in charge. But husband is a control freak and has admitted to it and it seems like if he submits to me than that will make him look like a dog. And that is not my intention at all. My intention is to submit to each other no matter what it is because Jesus asked us to
Submit to one another. It can't be a one way streak. Other wise one would be happy and the other one would feel used. I also do this calmly an he still doesn't do what I ask him to, or says no or once Again if he does it he will do it with a bad attitude and makes me not want to ask him for anything because I feel like a burden
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#9
Apr 18, 2013
9,653
2,706
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#9
I agree with Angela and the others who've recommended counseling.

Perhaps you can get him into counseling in a non-confrontational way.
You could try telling him that you want to be a good wife, but that you're struggling with this...
that you want to get some pastoral counseling, and you want him to come along with you.

None of that is lying, so it isn't being dishonest, but it IS sort of emphasizing things in a particular way that won't sound threatening to him. It might not work, but hey, you always catch more flies with honey.
 
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emcmahon2288

Guest
#10
#10
My husband and I have gone to counseling with a pastor and his wife. I set my feelings on the table and so did he. But in the end I ended up the one who was being selfish and ungrateful because It wasn't enough that my husband made money and gave the baby at least ten min of his time a day. My husband runs a plumbing business he works about three or four times a week the rest of the week is all his time. If he's not working he is in the garage working in his cars and if it's not that then it's him laying on the couch watching tv and with the tablet on his hand scrolling to see what next vehicle or car part he will buy. The baby is in the living room with him she plays and runs but I don't see them spending actual father daughter time. We go out here and there as a family but when we are home there is no family time. He considers family time by watching tv. Am I wrong for thinking this way?
 
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kayem77

Guest
#11
#11
You are not wrong. I'm sorry to hear your pastor didn't help. I suggest you go to a different church where they really care about spiritual accountability, because his attitude is not okay. When I was little my dad worked full time, and everytime he came home, he always had time for me. We would play hide and seek, or he would chase me around the house. He helped me with my homework and put me to bed most of the times. He also helped my mom around the house when he could, even though most of the housechores were done by my mom (and a lady that helped her around the house). This is his child too and this is his home.

I stronly suggest you go to a church where you find the support that you need. And keep praying for your husband, and as hard as it may be, respect him and avoid harsh words towards him, it would only make it worse. If he wants to be a child, let him be a child, but don't lower yourself to that level.
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#12
May 29, 2013
9,166
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#12
emcmahon2288 said:
I am a housewife who gets up everyday, cleans up the house, washes dishes, washes clothes, cooks, works out, takes care of the baby, etc... My husband wants to have another child and I would love to have another one as well but the problem is he does not help with changing the baby's diaper, bathe her, dress her up, feed her, keep up with her energy, does not wake up at all in the middle of the night if she wakes up. What he does do is provide her with a great life as far as for material possessions and gives her a couple of minutes of his time a day. I respect that he is a hard worker but I am not ok with him being the typical man who thinks a woman who stays at home cleans, cooks and takes care of the kids and the man works. A man should not have to do a women's job and vice versa. I am not ok with this type if thinking and I'm not sure if this is wrong. If he's not working he's either in the garage working on his cars or laying on the couch watching tv with the tablet on his hand and that's how he spends the rest of the day and evening. I would like help at home is it right to ask for help from him
Click to expand...

I like the gender role distinctions for work. But not to too much of an extreme. There was a study that showed that couples who had gender role distinctions tended to have more sex, btw. So maybe the chances of a second child are greater anyway.

Men in the military have to mop floors, do dishes, and cook. Jesus cooked fish, apparently. But maybe He had some angels do it for Him. :) Angels appeared as male in the Bible, though. There is not a lot that is purely 'women's work.

When the baby is young, unless a husband is working really long hours, I think he should help out. Do some dishes, chance some diapers. I probably change half the diapers for our almost 2 year old, maybe 40% of them. I'll do dishes, too, especially if my wife is tired or if we get home late and they are in the sink. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Jesus washed feet, a low task, to serve His disciples and teach them about serving.

I know a lot of old school dads didn't change diapers or things like that. If a guy is always working on the car after work, I'm not saying that's wrong. Dividing up tasks is a leadership skill, and that could be fair in some families. The good news for you is that babies are not always in diapers.

In some ways, it would be more work to have one kid. I had a 40 year old friend when I married in my 20's. He had five kids. He said don't just have one kid, or you'll have to entertain him all the time. If you have two, they play together and then you break them up if they fight, and they play again. Otherwise, you just have to play with the kid all the time. I've got four kids. What he said is right. Even with my girl who is going to be two, I can leave her with her older siblings and she can have fun for a good long while as they play with her. We go help when she starts wrecking their stuff. Of course, we spend a lot of time with the kids. But it sure is easier to keep the baby occupied while you do dishes, cook a meal, etc. if other kids are playing with her.

Is your little one still really little? You can train them to sleep through the night and normally they learn it sort of naturally as they get older. That takes a big load off. If you are feeding the child 'naturally' and you can sleep in, your waking up to take care of the baby may make some sense. He can't feed the child like you. But he could wake up for diapers. Our first baby was a really heavy pooper, so I'd help if it sounded like a poopy cry sometimes, and my wife handled a lot of the poop cries and the cries for milk. Women seem to be 'wired' a bit better for child care. A man may wake up if the door rattles or a window breaks, but we sometimes have the ability to sleep through baby cries and whines, while those tend to wake the women up. I had a friend I worked with who came home from the hospital after a first baby. He woke up and told his wife, "Wow! Our baby slept through the night without crying." She got upset and said, "What are you talking about! I was up every hour or so with that baby!"
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#13
May 29, 2013
9,166
1,797
113
#13
emcmahon2288 said:
I don't drop hints I get directly to the point but takes it as I want to be in charge. But husband is a control freak and has admitted to it and it seems like if he submits to me than that will make him look like a dog. And that is not my intention at all. My intention is to submit to each other no matter what it is because Jesus asked us to
Submit to one another. It can't be a one way streak. Other wise one would be happy and the other one would feel used. I also do this calmly an he still doesn't do what I ask him to, or says no or once Again if he does it he will do it with a bad attitude and makes me not want to ask him for anything because I feel like a burden
Click to expand...
There are those who interpret the 'submit to one another' passage to mean each person submits to the appropriate person. It makes sense in context: wives submit to husbands, slaves to masters, and children obey your parents.
 
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emcmahon2288

Guest
#14
#14
It's easier said than do e with having more than one kid. I would love to have more kids but not like this. I have to be the one taking care if them most of the time. Thank you very much for the advice
 
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emcmahon2288

Guest
#15
#15
Thank you very much for the word of advice and you know what I have decided to join a different church. I am not ok with all the things the pastor has been telling us for the past five months.
 
sandtigeress

sandtigeress

Senior Member
#16
Apr 29, 2013
526
16
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#16
I cerntanly hope you get all the encouragement you need in the future.
And a way to get time off. Too me it seems like he is having off time from work, but you are not.
A homemaker and mother is always working (or at least on call).
There has to be some time, when you are free and ten minutes a day is very seldom.
Do you at least have a mother or mother in law, where you can leave your child for some time
to get away from "Work".
And some way he shows you, that he appriciates your work, because to me this sounds like,
"I pay you well (providing ... ), so do everything". [This might sound a bit harsh, said like this]
 
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emcmahon2288

Guest
#17
#17
I'm not offended at all by what you just said because you're right that is the way it is. My mom lives about an hr away from me and works a lot so no i don't get help from her because of the distance and time. My mother in law helps here and there :(
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#18
May 29, 2013
9,166
1,797
113
#18
emcmahon,

It would be good if your husband had some Christian men who'd influence him to take care of these needs you have, like the need for relaxation and a break. If he could let you go out with some female friends while he watched the baby, or take care of the baby a several afternoons a week while you took a nap, or whatever it is you need, that could take a load off of you. Maybe you could either explain to your husband, or write out a schedule for him, to show him how many hours you are putting in, how little you sit down, etc., and ask him to help you get some downtime. In ages past, the mother may have taken care of the kids. But grandma lived there or there were other villagers nearby who helped each other take care of the kids. It doesn't work well for individualistic societies to put everything on the mother of a little baby. How old is your little one?

About having other children, if your child is small, the load will lighten as the child ages. You may start thinking of having another one in a few years after this one stops looking so much like a baby. Right after the first one is born or during the difficult months afterwards when the baby is awake, the idea may not seem as appealing or realistic. It would probably be easier to think about if your husband were helping more.

Peter's instructions for wives whose husbands don't obey the word is to submit to them and be wear the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. If your husband needs to learn about being a servant, that is still the approach to take, and believe God to work on Him. If you want to change churches, that's something to decide with your husband, too. If the pastor isn't preaching a false gospel and there is no other compelling reason to leave right away, you may want to suggest it gently rather than be adamant about it.
 
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Blackson

Guest
#20
#20
Just keen observer. would want to learn more of other cultures.
 
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