Does everyone agree here? Up until a couple generations ago it would be considered normal. Not saying that things don't change for no reason, or that I condone violence. In fact I think loving discipline and violence should have nothing to do with each other, otherwise we couldn't raise children without abusing them. I would appreciate guidance and correction from a future husband, but is it unscriptural to expect that of a man? My problem is that I think the spirit of feminism has corrupted American family life to the point where I wanna be really intentional from the introduction of a relationship through to the end, that it is done according to scripture and no other authority. So I'm playing with what that would look like in my head. Everyone is different. I'm glad to hear people are sticking with the exhortations in Ephesians. I think that's the first bit of scripture to get thrown out the window in my family.
I should explain that I am not against disciplining children.
However, I do not think that the husband has a right to "discipline" his wife, especially if the discipline is physical or emotional in nature -- I guess, if he views it in terms of punishment. I am aware there are other definitions of discipline, but punishment is probably the most used definition.
I was talking to a guy from a dating site quite a while ago, and he had a certain view of how marriage and relationships should go that I did not agree with. He said that husband had the right to discipline their wives. I asked him to define what he meant. He basically said that he could "discipline" her whenever she did something he didn't like or didn't do something well enough.
For example, if she cleaned the floor, and he didn't think she did a good enough job, he felt he had the right to discipline her in this area. I asked him if the discipline would be of a physical nature. He said yes -- that was part of disciplining his wife.
He also believed that it was the woman's fault if the man had an affair because she didn't dress provocatively enough for him, and thus didn't keep his interest. He seriously expected his wife to stay home all day, do all the domestic chores....then before he came home, he wanted her to put on really revealing clothing and high heels...and basically look like a slut for him. She was to dress like this whenever he was home.
He was big on the whole headship thing. I asked him if his wife would need to ask his permission to do anything. His answer was yes. He had to approve of her friends and when she could see them, etc. If she did "wrong" he could punish her by not letting her go out with her friends or do the things that she wanted to do.
This man identified himself as Christian.
I specifically asked him about Ephesians 5, specifically the parts that tell the husband to love his wife. He had some twisted view of that passage that he got from his pastor. Something about the verses that say he had to love his wife had nothing to do with the rest of the passage.
Needless to say, I ceased communication with him.
This man might sound extreme in his views. The unfortunate thing is that this guy's views are not that different from the general views in some Christian circles.
I think if a man views the marital relationship as one where he has the right to discipline his wife that it could be a major sign that the guy could be abusive. It should be a red flag. That doesn't
necessarily mean that he will be abusive....but please don't dismiss this. Abuse isn't always physical, and it doesn't always appear right at the beginning of a relationship. Usually it is so subtle that the woman doesn't pick up on it. With the power to punish his wife, there is a lot of temptation for him to abuse that power.
Women who think that the husband has a right to punish them fall into destructive relationships often.
I am convinced that the marital relationship shouldn't be like this.
Also, if the husband has a right to discipline her, then she really isn't on the same footing as him. She's sort of like a child in his eyes. Why would he treat her as an adult or truly respect her?
Now....other kinds of discipline -- such as encouragement and holding someone accountable, I think this should go both ways. It shouldn't be the husband's right only, and it should be done in respect. Otherwise, he can still be critical of her without her having the ability to respond. It makes it so that his opinion is more important than hers. I don't like that, and I don't think that it makes for a healthy relationship.
Please understand that I'm not saying that a wife should be rebellious to her husband, or that she can do whatever she wants without talking to him, or that she shouldn't respect his headship. I just think that he should treat her as an equal. The prerequisite for a wife to obey her husband is that he actually is loving her.
Many, many Christian men take Ephesians 5 out of context so that all that matters is that the wife is obedient to the husband.
If your husband being able to discipline you is important, make sure that you really get to know him and his views about women and about marriage, and how it should work. He can lie, and he can try to trick you....but hopefully you can see through these things. I warning you because there are a lot of nasty people out there (even with the Christian label) who are not what they appear to be. There are probably guys out there who are looking for women that they can manipulate, so be aware of that.
If you want your husband to discipline you, make sure you have a clearly defined definition of how you are defining it. What would be over the line?
It's unfortunate that we have to consider these questions, but we do
I've had several friends get caught up in abusive relationships, and I don't want it to happen to you.
