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...hmph.Apologies for not having a relationship exactly similar as you've described (and still answering) but, the desire for a spiritually and emotionally healthy sex life plays a MAJOR role in my desire to want to get married (take this from the resident bible-thumper). And you're right it's not always lust. My body is looking for its natural resolution; the intimacy; the physical oneness.
The closeness and bond you experienced is natural...that's what's supposed to happen; that's what you're supposed to feel. The only thing you were lacking in the equation was the spiritual "good standing" under God (i.e. marriage). That's all. But your body knows no different from then to now. Your body doesn't know you weren't married because physically...biologically...you were. You DID "marry", and your body is now needing that union because once you marry you can't unmarry. You see what I mean? You can't "undo" that unifying physical experience.
This is why it's also difficult for those who were once married but are now divorced...because marriage happens on two levels: spiritual and physical. Spiritual marriage is when God is a witness. Physical marriage is sexual union (as consummation of the spiritual). So divorcees also yearn for physical union from time to time because of the same reason; a body that was once joined can't be "unjoined" as an action. The body can't forget it.
[I often go into detail like this because solutions to problems are often found when the problem is disassembled into it's pieces.]
If marriage isn't an option for you, some ways of coping are what I think persNickety was getting at: Sexual Sublimation (although I'm no longer a fan of the word). Converting your emotions into useful actions instead of letting them fester. Weight Lifting, Building stuff (if that's a skill), designing apps (if that's a skill)...while I'm not exactly in your situation, these things help me. But to get closer to your emotion; maybe meet and becoming friends with people who are new widows or widowers (regardless of their age) who experience a loneliness even worse than yours; save them from their loneliness. Give what you need. "Give and you will receive", that's a promise from God. Just some ideas.
But I wonder...not to get into your personal life, but you seem pretty experienced in establishing relationships with people (though some weren't pure). So could you simply do everything you did before (in nurturing a pure relationship) with a Christian woman - in all the ways you know how - except add marriage to the equation as a preliminary step to physical intimacy? What barriers exist? Is it tradition/culture that's getting in the way of marriage (i.e. "well married people must live in the same house, get joint accounts, cars, etc...etc")? Because the only thing you were lacking before was your good standing with God (marriage covenant). That's it. And what society thinks married people should do doesn't really matter, only what God thinks matters. We aren't to "conform to this world" anyway because it doesn't know what the heck it's doing.
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I'm just spit-balling but maybe that's an idea for many of us; is that what's stopping many of us from getting married? Because we're trying to line up with what society traditionally expects married people to do (same house, same bank account, everything under one name, etc.) and so the costs outweigh the benefits for both the men and women? Because it seems at times that non-married couples (who don't share everything) can be more faithful to each other than married couples. Marriage is simply (but profoundly) a promise under God to trust, honor and be faithful to one's spouse, with witnesses confirming that promise...after that, why does anything else in their situation need to change sooner than either wants or needs it to?
I
So I am probably the last person anyone might care to hear sound off on this,but maybe what I have to say might make sense.
As a man who is coming up on the 2 year mark since his divorce,and being single & without physical intimacy since...not counting the last nearly 2 years of my disintegrating marriage where my ex & I were for lack of better terms "roommates",and nothing but friends who happened to live under the same roof,I can understand what it's like to miss that bond of intimacy with someone.
Having been with her for 11 years of my life (2 dating long distance,followed by 9 married) She has been all I have "known" physically in that time. I have only been intimate with 6 women in my lifetime. I regret all 6 times. Not because I didn't "love" them,or truly "want" or "care" for them deeply,but because in my heart I'm pretty sure it wasn't God's perfect plan looking back upon it all now. Having loved & knowing the heartbreak of loss. Missing that closeness that you can only achieve fully & completely when you are bonded with someone through sexual intimacy. Nothing can compare.
Do I often miss being married & having that bond with my wife? I did. I think by the time the marriage was over I had already closed myself off (mentally & physically) of having another relationship,be it marriage or casual dating. And while sex with my wife was amazing & loving & beautiful...I am sure it wasn't as amazing as it could have been if she'd had been a believer & we'd been serving God in some capacity together. So in some ways,I still don't know "physically" what it is like to be loved fully by a woman who at her core shares much of the same beliefs as I do.
I totally want that. The thing is...is that I believe I will have that someday. I have gone in waves of hopefulness,to apathy,to the absolute depths of despair concerning how I felt about love & relationship. I have come to terms with that this is normal. I'm not a bad person because I desire it..or can't fully understand it..or fail at it..it just is what it is & I do what I can to submit it to God.
I am 43 now. I am a few years older than the OP. I never had children,but 2 (of the 6 mentioned women that I was intimate with) had children of their own,ranging in ages of 6 months to 5 years old.
I never felt an urgency or desire to "create" my own biological children,I was (and still am) 100% completely content with loving & helping to raise someone else's children. I don't feel as though I have "missed out" on any blessings if I don't have any kids of my own. I know many christian men & women can feel that way...like the clock is ticking. Fortunately,I guess I have been blessed not to have that come into play for me,but I can see where other's might struggle with that. So while I am a bit too old on paper to be all starting a family & having kid's,it doesn't really bother me at the thought of kid's around,because I pretty much act like a kid myself and can maybe relate to them? I dunno.
Another thing for me that is a bit strange and I suppose a little frustrating is the fact that even though I am getting older,my sexual desire seems even stronger than when I was younger. I don't envision myself ever needing the little blue pill.
I hate...sometimes even despise the fact that I have had no one to share my passion with over the past 2 years!!!!
I have good days & I have bad days. For me (and this is another odd thing about me) is that physical connection of closeness with someone always first stemmed from the fact that I was intimate with them in my heart & mind before it ever came to the actual act of making love. This is why I say that I regret not waiting on God. The "loss" one feels when not with that person that they'd been intimate with can be overwhelming at times. Obviously because you have shared a part of who & what you are that God designed for you to share with one person,and one person only.
Yeah so where am I going with all this? I wish I had some perfect answer on how to deal with loneliness or the immense desires for physical intimacy that I and others so long for at times,but the fact is there really is no easy solution.
I honestly believe in my heart that God will either help us deal with these moments in our lives and/or He will bring someone along side us that is right for us. Prayer & letting go. That's what's helped me. God has healed me in many ways,even in the past 2 years since the divorce,and in this past 2 years I have struggled on & off with those issues of intimacy & missing that closeness with someone I deeply care for,but yanno the truth is that I'd rather be alone & deal with those thing's than to be in something that is forced or contrived or manipulated by me to try & fill a void inside me that really only God can fill. I never want to be divorced again & I won't be!
My future is going to be blessed. Not because I "feel" like it will be...but because God said it would be. Now it's up to me to accept it & trust Him.
I hope something in my rambling helped.
As a man who is coming up on the 2 year mark since his divorce,and being single & without physical intimacy since...not counting the last nearly 2 years of my disintegrating marriage where my ex & I were for lack of better terms "roommates",and nothing but friends who happened to live under the same roof,I can understand what it's like to miss that bond of intimacy with someone.
Having been with her for 11 years of my life (2 dating long distance,followed by 9 married) She has been all I have "known" physically in that time. I have only been intimate with 6 women in my lifetime. I regret all 6 times. Not because I didn't "love" them,or truly "want" or "care" for them deeply,but because in my heart I'm pretty sure it wasn't God's perfect plan looking back upon it all now. Having loved & knowing the heartbreak of loss. Missing that closeness that you can only achieve fully & completely when you are bonded with someone through sexual intimacy. Nothing can compare.
Do I often miss being married & having that bond with my wife? I did. I think by the time the marriage was over I had already closed myself off (mentally & physically) of having another relationship,be it marriage or casual dating. And while sex with my wife was amazing & loving & beautiful...I am sure it wasn't as amazing as it could have been if she'd had been a believer & we'd been serving God in some capacity together. So in some ways,I still don't know "physically" what it is like to be loved fully by a woman who at her core shares much of the same beliefs as I do.
I totally want that. The thing is...is that I believe I will have that someday. I have gone in waves of hopefulness,to apathy,to the absolute depths of despair concerning how I felt about love & relationship. I have come to terms with that this is normal. I'm not a bad person because I desire it..or can't fully understand it..or fail at it..it just is what it is & I do what I can to submit it to God.
I am 43 now. I am a few years older than the OP. I never had children,but 2 (of the 6 mentioned women that I was intimate with) had children of their own,ranging in ages of 6 months to 5 years old.
I never felt an urgency or desire to "create" my own biological children,I was (and still am) 100% completely content with loving & helping to raise someone else's children. I don't feel as though I have "missed out" on any blessings if I don't have any kids of my own. I know many christian men & women can feel that way...like the clock is ticking. Fortunately,I guess I have been blessed not to have that come into play for me,but I can see where other's might struggle with that. So while I am a bit too old on paper to be all starting a family & having kid's,it doesn't really bother me at the thought of kid's around,because I pretty much act like a kid myself and can maybe relate to them? I dunno.
Another thing for me that is a bit strange and I suppose a little frustrating is the fact that even though I am getting older,my sexual desire seems even stronger than when I was younger. I don't envision myself ever needing the little blue pill.
I hate...sometimes even despise the fact that I have had no one to share my passion with over the past 2 years!!!!
I have good days & I have bad days. For me (and this is another odd thing about me) is that physical connection of closeness with someone always first stemmed from the fact that I was intimate with them in my heart & mind before it ever came to the actual act of making love. This is why I say that I regret not waiting on God. The "loss" one feels when not with that person that they'd been intimate with can be overwhelming at times. Obviously because you have shared a part of who & what you are that God designed for you to share with one person,and one person only.
Yeah so where am I going with all this? I wish I had some perfect answer on how to deal with loneliness or the immense desires for physical intimacy that I and others so long for at times,but the fact is there really is no easy solution.
I honestly believe in my heart that God will either help us deal with these moments in our lives and/or He will bring someone along side us that is right for us. Prayer & letting go. That's what's helped me. God has healed me in many ways,even in the past 2 years since the divorce,and in this past 2 years I have struggled on & off with those issues of intimacy & missing that closeness with someone I deeply care for,but yanno the truth is that I'd rather be alone & deal with those thing's than to be in something that is forced or contrived or manipulated by me to try & fill a void inside me that really only God can fill. I never want to be divorced again & I won't be!
My future is going to be blessed. Not because I "feel" like it will be...but because God said it would be. Now it's up to me to accept it & trust Him.
I hope something in my rambling helped.
K
I definitely go through stages when it comes to wanting to remarry... creep forward, run away, creep forward, run away. The running away usually has to do with thoughts of disappointing a husband. The creeping forward usually has to do with my desire for emotional, spiritual, sexual intimacy... the whole thing. How I cope? I don't cope well. During a creep-forward moment, I log into eHarmony and respond to questions someone has sent me. Then that person becomes interested, mentions marriage, and wuh whoa... RUN AWAY! Of course, then there is guilt, because if I panic like that at the thought of marriage, then I have no business "dating" anyway. Blah. I've sworn off relationships for an indefinite period of time, but who knows how I will feel when that loneliness strikes again. 
Here is a question... for the 16 years I was married, it was "right" and "good" and "healthy" for me to desire my husband. To think intimate thoughts about him or us or sex. My entire adult life was spent that way, minus the last two years. Now I am divorced. He is married to another woman. He no longer belongs to me. Any sort of intimacy I've ever known was related to him, so when/if I think about sex at all, it is most likely about sex with him (when he was my husband). And he's not my husband anymore. So what WAS good and right, NOW is wrong and sinful... right? When we did it, it was a good thing. But remembering it now is bad. How is THAT supposed to work...??
Here is a question... for the 16 years I was married, it was "right" and "good" and "healthy" for me to desire my husband. To think intimate thoughts about him or us or sex. My entire adult life was spent that way, minus the last two years. Now I am divorced. He is married to another woman. He no longer belongs to me. Any sort of intimacy I've ever known was related to him, so when/if I think about sex at all, it is most likely about sex with him (when he was my husband). And he's not my husband anymore. So what WAS good and right, NOW is wrong and sinful... right? When we did it, it was a good thing. But remembering it now is bad. How is THAT supposed to work...??
But no, God measures our hearts while we measure our actions and in your case, you're beating a horse that isn't near dead and I find it tremendously heartbreaking for your retreating steps. I'm sure you get a lot of male attention and it's understandable, but just sad that you're not in a position to reciprocate.
I definitely go through stages when it comes to wanting to remarry... creep forward, run away, creep forward, run away. The running away usually has to do with thoughts of disappointing a husband. The creeping forward usually has to do with my desire for emotional, spiritual, sexual intimacy... the whole thing. How I cope? I don't cope well. During a creep-forward moment, I log into eHarmony and respond to questions someone has sent me. Then that person becomes interested, mentions marriage, and wuh whoa... RUN AWAY! Of course, then there is guilt, because if I panic like that at the thought of marriage, then I have no business "dating" anyway. Blah. I've sworn off relationships for an indefinite period of time, but who knows how I will feel when that loneliness strikes again.
Here is a question... for the 16 years I was married, it was "right" and "good" and "healthy" for me to desire my husband. To think intimate thoughts about him or us or sex. My entire adult life was spent that way, minus the last two years. Now I am divorced. He is married to another woman. He no longer belongs to me. Any sort of intimacy I've ever known was related to him, so when/if I think about sex at all, it is most likely about sex with him (when he was my husband). And he's not my husband anymore. So what WAS good and right, NOW is wrong and sinful... right? When we did it, it was a good thing. But remembering it now is bad. How is THAT supposed to work...??
Here is a question... for the 16 years I was married, it was "right" and "good" and "healthy" for me to desire my husband. To think intimate thoughts about him or us or sex. My entire adult life was spent that way, minus the last two years. Now I am divorced. He is married to another woman. He no longer belongs to me. Any sort of intimacy I've ever known was related to him, so when/if I think about sex at all, it is most likely about sex with him (when he was my husband). And he's not my husband anymore. So what WAS good and right, NOW is wrong and sinful... right? When we did it, it was a good thing. But remembering it now is bad. How is THAT supposed to work...??
Again, thanks for sharing that. *hugs*
And Shouryu and Ugly, I believe people when they say that it would've been better for them had they never loved at all, especially when the relationship wasn't as Godly as it could've been. The time or two that I had to tell a guy that we weren't right for each other was good for me because I was able to use the story later to help other girls. We only talked online, for one thing; we didn't have a physical bond to miss later. Anyway, I've mentioned before that I was grateful to have gone through a breakup, but I know you guys are right about what you said as well.
I can speak from both sides. I do recall the feelings of loneliness of being single. At the time I was not Christian and thought the only purpose in life was to have a family, work hard, and die. Now I've been married 17 years and let me tell you it is COMPLETELY different then I ever imagined it would be. People change. I changed, she changed, what we require from one another has changed. She has a different philosophy on how to raise children than I do. This however remains, we are no longer two. There is no me or her, only us. Whether it is for good or bad, all of her good decisions bless us and her poor ones hurt us, same with mine. This isn't just an oath or an agreement, it is a connection. There is peace in knowing a mistake you make will only hurt you. As head of this household every decision has to be weighed and balanced for the good of the unit. It limits me in many ministries that I otherwise would have enjoyed. If the husband were a ship, God as the compass, the wife can either be an anchor or a sail. My advice to anybody who desires a mate, choose wisely. There is companionship but at times marriage has been a very lonely and hostile environment with no clearcut answers. That being said, I do love my wife and I can't imagine being married to anyone else.
After a divorce and backlidings and personal faults and lacks... What do you expect from marriage? Sex? Love or being loved?
We say "we want to love" but the selfishness (and self-centered mind) of our humanity longs to receive more than its giving of it.
Sometimes we are loved by the people we don´t like, the people whose beliefs are not ours, their place or culture is far from ours and, of course, I will not say: "God loves me" or "Jesus loves me". I love whom I am, the one I could be if I have more chances to improve, but something in life has proved me we are not complete and not fully contend on the few (or many) things we have, we long for more, in a unending "love" story.
If you have a garden, a piece of land, you will know how much care you have to GIVE to see it grows the way you like it be seen or enjoy. The same aplies for life.
Where I live, the land I now own, I have learn it needs me -full time- to see it how I want, to gets its fruits, from the soil and, if i don´t give her (the land) its daile care, two things may happen:
1) Anothe comes and invade what I paid as private property. or
2) Weeds grow around to be bush.
The same aplies to life. We gave permission to bush to come in a spoil our gardens. We let weed to grow where roses, without its throns, were wanted to be seen.
If you plan to get a new garden, be sure you want to keep it.
Be sure you want to give what she/he needs.
We say "we want to love" but the selfishness (and self-centered mind) of our humanity longs to receive more than its giving of it.
Sometimes we are loved by the people we don´t like, the people whose beliefs are not ours, their place or culture is far from ours and, of course, I will not say: "God loves me" or "Jesus loves me". I love whom I am, the one I could be if I have more chances to improve, but something in life has proved me we are not complete and not fully contend on the few (or many) things we have, we long for more, in a unending "love" story.
If you have a garden, a piece of land, you will know how much care you have to GIVE to see it grows the way you like it be seen or enjoy. The same aplies for life.
Where I live, the land I now own, I have learn it needs me -full time- to see it how I want, to gets its fruits, from the soil and, if i don´t give her (the land) its daile care, two things may happen:
1) Anothe comes and invade what I paid as private property. or
2) Weeds grow around to be bush.
The same aplies to life. We gave permission to bush to come in a spoil our gardens. We let weed to grow where roses, without its throns, were wanted to be seen.
If you plan to get a new garden, be sure you want to keep it.
Be sure you want to give what she/he needs.
J
I suppose this is yet another thing that separates a widow/widower from other people who find themselves alone. I cannot say it is better to have never known. I cannot say that it was out of season. I cannot say that it was wrong. It was wonderful. I have no regrets.
What I do understand is the longing. It's like waking up everyday without my arms and legs. Intimacy is such an amazing, important part of a loving marriage and is so much more than sexual activity. Smelling someone's cologne on the pillow next to yours before you ever even open your eyes in the morning; playfulness and affection throughout the day that says "Hey...I love you, Nutjob. You're all mine."; seeing a certain smile or look in his eyes in a crowded room that causes you to smile and blush because you know what he's thinking; snuggling on the couch to watch a movie on a cold winter day....like today.
One day it is there. The next day it is gone. Yet somehow you are still breathing. The world as you have known it for 15 years has ended. Neither of you had a say in it. There is nothing either of you could have done to prevent it.
You miss it. You long for it. That time when you were one with another person in every way and nothing was withheld from you. Nothing was forbidden to the two of you. Nothing was shameful to discuss or do.
I think the thing that helps me the most is looking at what a lot of single people settle for in the way of "intimacy". It's just.....meh. It's the difference between a diamond and one of those lollipop sucker rings you find in the checkout line.
THAT I can definitely live without.
What I do understand is the longing. It's like waking up everyday without my arms and legs. Intimacy is such an amazing, important part of a loving marriage and is so much more than sexual activity. Smelling someone's cologne on the pillow next to yours before you ever even open your eyes in the morning; playfulness and affection throughout the day that says "Hey...I love you, Nutjob. You're all mine."; seeing a certain smile or look in his eyes in a crowded room that causes you to smile and blush because you know what he's thinking; snuggling on the couch to watch a movie on a cold winter day....like today.
One day it is there. The next day it is gone. Yet somehow you are still breathing. The world as you have known it for 15 years has ended. Neither of you had a say in it. There is nothing either of you could have done to prevent it.
You miss it. You long for it. That time when you were one with another person in every way and nothing was withheld from you. Nothing was forbidden to the two of you. Nothing was shameful to discuss or do.
I think the thing that helps me the most is looking at what a lot of single people settle for in the way of "intimacy". It's just.....meh. It's the difference between a diamond and one of those lollipop sucker rings you find in the checkout line.
THAT I can definitely live without.
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Yeah, I guess it depends on how you look at it. There was mention about getting married to enjoy sexual expression in a God honoring covenant. I suppose I got to thinking how in marriage sex quickly becomes less significant. I hope that it would not be the main reason for one to make a lifetime commitment. Sorry it didn't apply to you specifically. No need to get all big and red. I enjoy reading your posts. You generally have great advice and much wisdom and truth. I hope you find the joy, peace and satisfaction you are seeking in life. God bless you and your commitment to Him. (This is off topic as well. I seem to be oblivious to boundaries)
I think that since I'm back walking with the Lord, I have a much stronger desire to be married, and for that marriage to honor Him. It really bothers me that I missed out on a sex life that was both spiritually and emotionally healthy, as well as blessed by God. I wasn't honoring God in much of anything when I was married, so looking back, I'm disappointed in myself, in both of us (my former husband too).
Now that I am single again, I admit that the desire for a spiritually and emotionally healthy sex life has played a strong role in my desire to be married again, but it's not the only reason. When I pause and think of my answer, I think that it's partly for the reason that I just don't want to fail my Lord anymore. It's too easy to sin in this area as a single person.
I've asked the Lord to bring me a Godly husband, or to change my desires until that man is available. Thankfully, God has given me some good distractions to keep me busy in my life.
The one thing I haven't fully allowed myself to consider, is that the Lord may want me to stay single and focus on my ministry for His Kingdom. So, I just focus on what's important for today and staying on the narrow path.
~Marcella
Now that I am single again, I admit that the desire for a spiritually and emotionally healthy sex life has played a strong role in my desire to be married again, but it's not the only reason. When I pause and think of my answer, I think that it's partly for the reason that I just don't want to fail my Lord anymore. It's too easy to sin in this area as a single person.
I've asked the Lord to bring me a Godly husband, or to change my desires until that man is available. Thankfully, God has given me some good distractions to keep me busy in my life.
The one thing I haven't fully allowed myself to consider, is that the Lord may want me to stay single and focus on my ministry for His Kingdom. So, I just focus on what's important for today and staying on the narrow path.
~Marcella