Have you ever felt in your life,sometimes even more so as a Christian that you find yourself feeling like you always have to apologize to someone for "something" you may or may not have said or done? That you may have inadvertently stepped on someones toes & not even known until it becomes glaringly obvious that they really dislike you or that you've upset them?
I feel like that. More times than I care to. I ask myself & God..."is it me?"..."do I do this?"..."am I this horrible monster that some feel as though I am?"
I am not perfect. Not by a long shot. I do try to live in peace with others and I really do try to take into consideration other people's feelings,even if I don't fully understand what or why they feel the way they do.
I suppose I should trust God more. Pray for those people. Even more so..pray for myself.
What do you do when you know someone can't stand you,but they themselves even admittedly have told you that why they dislike you has no foundation in anything other than their own insecurities or personal demons? What then?
I find my self apologizing for thing's I never did or said just to keep the peace. I used to do this near the end of my marriage.
I thought it must be "me"... "I am this horrible person & I make this woman feel horrible."
I know now that that was a lie that I bought into..even she,herself told me that I did nothing wrong,that she still loved me & felt 100% responsible for the ruin of our marriage.
I don't hold her responsible. I do however believe that I accepted way too much self inflicted self loathing & critical self-evaluation from myself.
I realize in my heart that the only person that I need to have acceptance & good standing with is God.
I know that because of the sort of person I am...I put myself out there. People look at me and see one thing,but only those who I have truly let into my heart know the real me..they love me despite my flaws and glaring imperfections. They don't mind if I'm having a bad or a good day...if I am super spiritual God squad dude one minute & then banging my head singing Reign In Blood by Slayer!
I can barely count on one hand those people currently in my life. I'm actually more than ok with that.
I suppose my human "why can't everyone just like me & we all get along" side rears it's head once & awhile.
I start to question my validity. I start to question my place.
Worst of all,I start to question if I am worth even being known by anyone...yanno...just wanting to disappear.
So on this arctic 3 degree morning here I am thinking about one of a million things...just venting,rambling...having a "Jim moment",and sipping my coffee. Just was wondering if anyone else feels the same way? I can't really be alone in how I feel at times,can I?