17 yr old daughter dating wrong kind of guys

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
T

ttbajack

Guest
#1
#1
My 17 year old daughter often picks the wrong guys to date. She just started a relationship with a guy she met from a previous job after reuniting by facebook & texting. He is apparently 18. Has a child. Drinks alcohol at times. Talks bad about people of a different skin color. Is a registered sex offender. Was kicked out of high school d/t violence issues. And he has an excuse for all of it. The problem is she believes him. We talked. I asked my daughter is this really what she wants for her future. Did she see any red flags here? Told her she should look for someone with the same morals as herself. A christian who goes to church. She is saying this boy has changed & wants to go to church now. Advised my daughter sometimes people will tell you what they want you to hear. Told her she is a beautiful & smart girl who should never settle for less than she deserves. Prayed to God for guidance & intervention. My daughter claims she broke up with the boy after our talk. Any other words of wisdom out there? How can I help her with this. I pray she meets a good christian boy some day. I love my daughter dearly & only want the best for her.
 
N

nimbus3852

Guest
#2
#2
Sounds like he's not exactly the "pick of the litter."

She needs to be more knowledgeable about what's out there.

Knowing the options of men will allow her to have more confidence.

Consider allowing her to sign up for an online dating site.
 
T

ttbajack

Guest
#3
#3
Thanks for the feedback. I truly appreciate it! I am skeptical about online dating sites...again you don't "really" know who you are dealing with on the other side. Is it appropriate for a girl her age to engage in something like this? Have you had experience with any of these sites?
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#4
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#4
At 17 no unsupervised dates. As parents we suspect all the wrong things about this guy. We may entirely too correct. If she wants to date is ought to be with other couples and only in public settings. If she thinks it's cool to have kids at her age then she will likely succeed. It's a hard way to find out what the guy really wants and long term commitment isn't it.

As if there isn't enough problems we now have online dating. Oh my.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#5
#5
No, it's not appropriate for a teenage girl to be on an online dating site. Come on now.

I'm really not trying to be rude when i say this. I hope it doesn't come across that way.

I think it's awesome you sat down with her and talked about this guy, but in the end she's your daughter, she does what you say. You are not helpless here. I mean What if she hadn't of broken up with him... Would you really have just laid down and just prayed about it? I believe prayer is very powerful, but God gave us a brain and it is our job to protect our children.

I'll just say this, if my daughter came home and told me she was dating a guy like that..... oh no honey, that's not happening. Not acceptable.

Seriously, Please do not let her on a dating site. That is a very bad idea.
 
Z

zaoman32

Guest
#6
#6
You talk a lot about your daughter's choices but are neglecting any mention of how your or her fathers role as a parent has been. Are you and her dad together? Has she witnessed similar behavior in you or her dad? Has she witnessed this guys behavior in her dad, or you dating guys and behaving in a similar fashion?

Kids know and learn from what they see and experience. Please know that I do not condemn you if you answer yes to any of the questions I asked. I'm divorced, I have three kids, and I KNOW my ex has a horrid dating history, even after we divorced, so I don't expect my kids to make the best dating choices. That's where I'm going to need to step up as a responsible parent and tell them, no, this isn't going to fly. They will break up with that person. If they don't, and I find out about it, they will not be on facebook anymore. If they're sneaking out, or lying about where they're going, they can kiss any freedom they have goodbye for a while. They'll probably hate me, but that relationship will not happen, and eventually they'll thank me.
 
N

nimbus3852

Guest
#7
#7
For online dating, you're supposed to be 18 to sign up.

I would say for myself, it was heaven-sent. I was sheltered from dating growing up, my development romantically was stunted. It was harder to feel empathy, love, something that is learned through experience. Not sex, but emotional exchange on a romantic level.

Set some ground rules, like don't trade phone numbers, or don't meet up in person.

I highly recommend online dating, even if one can expect half the people to be on the weird side.

Look at things as they are now. She was 100% emotionally invested in a (I assume) convicted felon. And you're imposing to suggest that this is not such a good idea.

Let's say she's talking to ten people online, one's a felon, five are weird, and five are genuinely nice young men. Is she going to pick the felon? Nope!

That puts you in the perfect situation, as a parent. Give her some real options, let her choose, and trust her common sense as she walks through the selection process. It's fine to consider the first few as practice, dating is the skill which allows us to find a quality person to love, and who will love us.

Turn the tables on her, give her some freedom, and watch her fly.
 
S

starfield

Senior Member
#8
Jun 13, 2009
3,393
58
48
#8
A 17-year old who is not ready for marriage does not need to date. There's no scriptural support for dating without the intent of marriage, a.k.a casual dating.
 
Z

zaoman32

Guest
#9
#9
nimbus3852 said:
For online dating, you're supposed to be 18 to sign up.

I would say for myself, it was heaven-sent. I was sheltered from dating growing up, my development romantically was stunted. It was harder to feel empathy, love, something that is learned through experience. Not sex, but emotional exchange on a romantic level.

Set some ground rules, like don't trade phone numbers, or don't meet up in person.

I highly recommend online dating, even if one can expect half the people to be on the weird side.

Look at things as they are now. She was 100% emotionally invested in a (I assume) convicted felon. And you're imposing to suggest that this is not such a good idea.

Let's say she's talking to ten people online, one's a felon, five are weird, and five are genuinely nice young men. Is she going to pick the felon? Nope!

That puts you in the perfect situation, as a parent. Give her some real options, let her choose, and trust her common sense as she walks through the selection process. It's fine to consider the first few as practice, dating is the skill which allows us to find a quality person to love, and who will love us.

Turn the tables on her, give her some freedom, and watch her fly.
Click to expand...
Speaking as a parent, and one who never dated until they were 18, bad idea.
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#10
#10
nimbus3852 said:
For online dating, you're supposed to be 18 to sign up.

I would say for myself, it was heaven-sent. I was sheltered from dating growing up, my development romantically was stunted. It was harder to feel empathy, love, something that is learned through experience. Not sex, but emotional exchange on a romantic level.

Set some ground rules, like don't trade phone numbers, or don't meet up in person.

I highly recommend online dating, even if one can expect half the people to be on the weird side.

Look at things as they are now. She was 100% emotionally invested in a (I assume) convicted felon. And you're imposing to suggest that this is not such a good idea.

Let's say she's talking to ten people online, one's a felon, five are weird, and five are genuinely nice young men. Is she going to pick the felon? Nope!

That puts you in the perfect situation, as a parent. Give her some real options, let her choose, and trust her common sense as she walks through the selection process. It's fine to consider the first few as practice, dating is the skill which allows us to find a quality person to love, and who will love us.

Turn the tables on her, give her some freedom, and watch her fly.
Click to expand...
I'm gonna have to back up Zao. Very bad idea.

Especially since she already had options and choices, and she chose a sex offender.
 
M

mamasan

Guest
#11
#11
www,realhelpforteens.com is a website connected with Solid Rock Youth Ministry run by Dr. Bob DeWitt out of Horseheads NY
a ministry of Lighthouse Baptist Church. On that site is a book "Stay in the Castle" written by Pastor Jerry Ross. It is the story of Lydia, a teen girl, who wants to serve the Lord, but also has desire for other things. Please take a minute to look at this website. Lydia is now a missionary wife serving with her husband in Mexico.
 
N

nimbus3852

Guest
#12
#12
Nobody with a choice would choose a sex offender.
 
T

ttbajack

Guest
#13
#13
Thanks Roger I appreciate your feedback.
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#14
#14
nimbus3852 said:
Nobody with a choice would choose a sex offender.
Click to expand...
Nimbus, people do it all the time. Such as this woman's daughter.

ttbajack.. I really hope things work out :)
 
N

nimbus3852

Guest
#15
#15
zaoman32 said:
Speaking as a parent, and one who never dated until they were 18, bad idea.
Click to expand...
Speaking as someone with empty-nesters a little early, methinks.
 
N

nimbus3852

Guest
#16
#16
starfield said:
A 17-year old who is not ready for marriage does not need to date. There's no scriptural support for dating without the intent of marriage, a.k.a casual dating.
Click to expand...
Yes, it was more of an arranged marriage type of situation.

It's rather like putting an Amish person at the wheel of a Porsche, or a knockoff. How would an Amish person know about the quality of cars?

And driving, goodness, don't get me started. No matter if they're 40, they still need a year before they're ready for a full license. Otherwise they will make a wreck of everything!

As a parent, I would rather have my children leave the nest prepared and ready for life, rather than taking a crash course like I did.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
N

nimbus3852

Guest
#17
#17
Back to the topic at hand. The women of San Jose attract millionaires. They are not stupid, if they are talking to twenty guys and two are very mature and one's a millionaire, all things being the same, why go for the one with less money?
 
T

ttbajack

Guest
#18
#18
zaoman32 said:
You talk a lot about your daughter's choices but are neglecting any mention of how your or her fathers role as a parent has been. Are you and her dad together? Has she witnessed similar behavior in you or her dad? Has she witnessed this guys behavior in her dad, or you dating guys and behaving in a similar fashion?

Kids know and learn from what they see and experience. Please know that I do not condemn you if you answer yes to any of the questions I asked. I'm divorced, I have three kids, and I KNOW my ex has a horrid dating history, even after we divorced, so I don't expect my kids to make the best dating choices. That's where I'm going to need to step up as a responsible parent and tell them, no, this isn't going to fly. They will break up with that person. If they don't, and I find out about it, they will not be on facebook anymore. If they're sneaking out, or lying about where they're going, they can kiss any freedom they have goodbye for a while. They'll probably hate me, but that relationship will not happen, and eventually they'll thank me.[/QUOTE

My husband & I have been married for 21 years & have a good relationship. Her dad nor I act out in this pattern. We are christians & do not condone any of this behavior. I just want to be very careful about how we handle the situation. I DO NOT want her to retaliate & end up pushing her closer to him. I do appreciate yor advice!
Click to expand...
 
T

ttbajack

Guest
#19
#19
zaoman32 said:
You talk a lot about your daughter's choices but are neglecting any mention of how your or her fathers role as a parent has been. Are you and her dad together? Has she witnessed similar behavior in you or her dad? Has she witnessed this guys behavior in her dad, or you dating guys and behaving in a similar fashion?

Kids know and learn from what they see and experience. Please know that I do not condemn you if you answer yes to any of the questions I asked. I'm divorced, I have three kids, and I KNOW my ex has a horrid dating history, even after we divorced, so I don't expect my kids to make the best dating choices. That's where I'm going to need to step up as a responsible parent and tell them, no, this isn't going to fly. They will break up with that person. If they don't, and I find out about it, they will not be on facebook anymore. If they're sneaking out, or lying about where they're going, they can kiss any freedom they have goodbye for a while. They'll probably hate me, but that relationship will not happen, and eventually they'll thank me.
Click to expand...
mamasan said:
www,realhelpforteens.com is a website connected with Solid Rock Youth Ministry run by Dr. Bob DeWitt out of Horseheads NY
a ministry of Lighthouse Baptist Church. On that site is a book "Stay in the Castle" written by Pastor Jerry Ross. It is the story of Lydia, a teen girl, who wants to serve the Lord, but also has desire for other things. Please take a minute to look at this website. Lydia is now a missionary wife serving with her husband in Mexico.
Click to expand...
Thanks mamasan for this info. I will definitely check it out.
 
T

ttbajack

Guest
#20
#20
Thanks, nodmylikeyeah!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.