Feeling Hatred towards the Other Woman

[Nicky27]

Thanks everyone for all your responses. I spoke to my pastor and my pastor spoke to my husband alone. My husband is no longer in leadership. My pastor said that based on His conversation with my husband that He really loves me and asked me if I still love him. I said yes.My pastor gave me advice but he didn't tell me what I should do. I could see that he wants us to work things out and stay together. I think I will separate from my husband and have some time to think about what I will do. I think My husband suspects I will leave. This is the text he sent me this morning: "Love you bunny. Please believe me that I am doing everything thing to make up for all that I have done to you. I sometimes don't really know how to express myself and I might come off wrong to you but forgive me. I am doing my best with what I know. I have not been thought how to treat a lady but I am trying to do all I can to prove to you that I will be all that you want me to be. I love you bunny and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to grow old with, I want you to have my children and love each other with and endless love. That's what I want. I wish I knew how to express my feelings properly. But I guess texting it to you makes me express how I feel. I love you bunny"

 

[Agricola]

If he really loved you he would not have chased after younger bunnies. His actions are not that of a person who genuinaly wants to be with you. It is an all too familiar story, man wants to have a wife so he can play families with and as a prop for show at various events he is invited to. Of course during this time he just has numerous affairs, then when caught plays the "sorry it wont happen again" card, but of course it does as you have already found out.

YOu will get all the smooth talking and get to hear everything you want to hear all in an attempt to stop you from leaving. Emotional blackmail will also be a ploy, "my life is meaningless without you, I think I will kill my self if you leave me, I am in tears at the thought of loosing you". Yes Sure. To text this as well, that's just lazy and plain ridiculous and a good way to avoid it face to face which can give more tells he is not sincere.

People genuinely in love do not look elsewhere, they only have eyes for the person they love. This is hardly the actions of someone who claims to be a Christian, where is God in your relationship, where is his commitment to loving you like Christ loves the church? Where is the unconditional love? Its not there is it, I guess it never has been there either.

DO what you think is best, people will say "divorce is wrong and you should remain a couple regardless", but that is nonsense and simply condems people to a live of misery. You have biblical grounds to divorce him with the adultry.

 

[Nicky27]

If he really loved you he would not have chased after younger bunnies. His actions are not that of a person who genuinaly wants to be with you. It is an all too familiar story, man wants to have a wife so he can play families with and as a prop for show at various events he is invited to. Of course during this time he just has numerous affairs, then when caught plays the "sorry it wont happen again" card, but of course it does as you have already found out.

YOu will get all the smooth talking and get to hear everything you want to hear all in an attempt to stop you from leaving. Emotional blackmail will also be a ploy, "my life is meaningless without you, I think I will kill my self if you leave me, I am in tears at the thought of loosing you". Yes Sure. To text this as well, that's just lazy and plain ridiculous and a good way to avoid it face to face which can give more tells he is not sincere.

People genuinely in love do not look elsewhere, they only have eyes for the person they love. This is hardly the actions of someone who claims to be a Christian, where is God in your relationship, where is his commitment to loving you like Christ loves the church? Where is the unconditional love? Its not there is it, I guess it never has been there either.

DO what you think is best, people will say "divorce is wrong and you should remain a couple regardless", but that is nonsense and simply condems people to a live of misery. You have biblical grounds to divorce him with the adultry.

I have had many face to face conversations with my husband. That was actually one of the text messages he sent me. I was not talking to him this morning so he sent me that message because we text each other every morning. I did not catch him cheating. He confessed to me. If he didn't confess, I don't think I would have found out because I think I was way too blind. The other woman was not that much younger than me. She is 21 now. I was 24 when the affair started. I am so sick to my stomach. No one has suggested that I should stay and work out my marriage. I guess I am a fool or believing him. I am moving out today. He has no idea. When he comes home, I will be gone.

 

[mystdancer50]

I wonder why he is still the Youth Director. He should have been made to step down the minute this came to light. Add to this, why must she be made to leave the church? If she has repented and he has repented, they should both be allowed to remain. However, if she is unrepentant, then by all means she should be asked to leave. The thing is that if your husband is not only allowed to stay but to keep his place as Youth Director, that is extremely hypocritical and dangerous. That opens the door for selective approval of immoral sins.

In regards to your marriage, well, the only 'legitimate' reason given for divorce is adultery, however, it was given by Moses due to the hardness of the hearts of the people. Yet, I can say that God doesn't want His people in unsafe relationships and if someone is cheating on their spouse, that is unsafe, as there are diseases and stresses and other things that factor in and make it unsafe. I would suggest counseling, for sure, if you want to save your marriage. I can't tell you to separate or divorce, however, as it is not my place to surmise such things over an internet site. If your pastor, however, is allowing your husband to continue in a leadership role in the church after this has come to light, I would question even his advice in this area. I would seek counseling and advice from a pastor from another church or a Christian counselor elsewhere. If your pastor has, in fact, asked your husband to step down/resign his leadership position, then by all means, go to him for counseling.

I think many here have addressed your personal issues, which is why I focused on the church issue. If immorality is left unchecked and leadership roles remain despite sexual sin, the church is unhealthy and needs to be looked at if it is the right place for you to continue attending. Just my thoughts and opinions. Sexual sin is the most excused and overlooked sin in the church today. If we don't start taking stands, the Bride of Christ will continue to dirty themselves in the mindsets and compromises of the world. Christ is coming for a pure bride. I fear we are falling woefully short.

 

[Nicky27]

Again, he confessed to me one night in november. I would have never known if he did not tell me. The fact that no one on this thread has suggested that I stay with him makes me realize that maybe I should leave. This is so painful for me because I enjoy being with him but he wronged me and I should not cling to my emotions for him. I will stay at my moms house until I figure out my next step.

 

[Nicky27]

I wonder why he is still the Youth Director. He should have been made to step down the minute this came to light. Add to this, why must she be made to leave the church? If she has repented and he has repented, they should both be allowed to remain. However, if she is unrepentant, then by all means she should be asked to leave. The thing is that if your husband is not only allowed to stay but to keep his place as Youth Director, that is extremely hypocritical and dangerous. That opens the door for selective approval of immoral sins.

In regards to your marriage, well, the only 'legitimate' reason given for divorce is adultery, however, it was given by Moses due to the hardness of the hearts of the people. Yet, I can say that God doesn't want His people in unsafe relationships and if someone is cheating on their spouse, that is unsafe, as there are diseases and stresses and other things that factor in and make it unsafe. I would suggest counseling, for sure, if you want to save your marriage. I can't tell you to separate or divorce, however, as it is not my place to surmise such things over an internet site. If your pastor, however, is allowing your husband to continue in a leadership role in the church after this has come to light, I would question even his advice in this area. I would seek counseling and advice from a pastor from another church or a Christian counselor elsewhere. If your pastor has, in fact, asked your husband to step down/resign his leadership position, then by all means, go to him for counseling.

I think many here have addressed your personal issues, which is why I focused on the church issue. If immorality is left unchecked and leadership roles remain despite sexual sin, the church is unhealthy and needs to be looked at if it is the right place for you to continue attending. Just my thoughts and opinions. Sexual sin is the most excused and overlooked sin in the church today. If we don't start taking stands, the Bride of Christ will continue to dirty themselves in the mindsets and compromises of the world. Christ is coming for a pure bride. I fear we are falling woefully short.

He is no longer the youth director. The pastor has removed him from leadership completely. My pastor has been counseling us. We seem to have been moving forward, but everytime I see the other women I become crushed. She has not apologized to me although my husband that she spoke to my pastor saying she is sorry. The day that I confronted her over text message, she did not take responsibility and blamed the whole thing on my husband. She even called me. She even called me some names I cant even mention here. I have never been with anyone else but my husband in my entire life, so how could she even call me those things? I am taking a break to reevaluate my relationship.

 

[Nicky27]

I was planning to move out today but its snowing hard. Now I have to figure out how I will move out because I dont want to stay. I think I will only take a couple of things and pick up the rest later. Its sad that I will be on the train with my suitcase because I have nobody to pick me up. The people who can I Don't want them to know whats going on in my personal life. My husband will be crushed. We were best friends....or so I thought..before I found out he betrayed me.

 

[mystdancer50]

He is no longer the youth director. The pastor has removed him from leadership completely. My pastor has been counseling us. We seem to have been moving forward, but everytime I see the other women I become crushed. She has not apologized to me although my husband that she spoke to my pastor saying she is sorry. The day that I confronted her over text message, she did not take responsibility and blamed the whole thing on my husband. She even called me. She even called me some names I cant even mention here. I have never been with anyone else but my husband in my entire life, so how could she even call me those things? I am taking a break to reevaluate my relationship.

Thank you for clearing that up for me. If she isn't taking responsibility for her role in the affair...and after the affair...then I agree that she should be asked to leave. I am glad that your pastor has taken the steps necessary in these circumstances. Sometimes stepping back from a relationship while counseling is necessary. I couldn't advise that, as I am not near you and I don't know you well enough, but if your pastor is helping you work through this, whatever the outcome, that is great.

 

[mystdancer50]

I was planning to move out today but its snowing hard. Now I have to figure out how I will move out because I dont want to stay. I think I will only take a couple of things and pick up the rest later. Its sad that I will be on the train with my suitcase because I have nobody to pick me up. The people who can I Don't want them to know whats going on in my personal life. My husband will be crushed. We were best friends....or so I thought..before I found out he betrayed me.

I will add that you need to find strong, godly women you can trust. To keep carrying this burden alone will slowly kill you. It may be hard to trust women after what you've been through (what you ARE going through) but trust me when I say that there are many godly women out there that would never even consider sleeping with someone outside of wedlock and especially never look at another person's husband in that way and that there are many that will help you and not heap guilt on you. Pray that God shows you who these women are so you can reach out to them and have others be there to help you and strengthen you.

 

[Nicky27]

I will add that you need to find strong, godly women you can trust. To keep carrying this burden alone will slowly kill you. It may be hard to trust women after what you've been through (what you ARE going through) but trust me when I say that there are many godly women out there that would never even consider sleeping with someone outside of wedlock and especially never look at another person's husband in that way and that there are many that will help you and not heap guilt on you. Pray that God shows you who these women are so you can reach out to them and have others be there to help you and strengthen you.

The only person I trust is my pastors wife but she will tell me to stay. I don't know anyone else I cant trust who will not tell someone else in my church. Besides no one I know will be willing to risk their lives to pick me up during a snow storm. I will just resort to taking the train.

 

[Nicky27]

And honestly I still have my faith in Christ and I will never turn away from him because He has done so much for me, but this is the first time in my life where I actually do not feel like praying right now. I will try to pray.

 

[mystdancer50]

I understand. I had a friend who went through something similar many years ago. Keep in touch with those on here that you feel offer you the most sound and godly advice and be safe.

 

[jips]

I don't have any advice for you but I feel your hurt and will pray daily for you!! I've been where you are and know how hard life is for you right now.. Your not alone you have friends here!!

 

[sandtigeress]

Nicky, God will provide you both with a new way of relating. Take the time needed.
I liked the text your husband sent you a lot and I hear the love (for him) in your texts.
But take the time you need to work your emotions out (the good and the bad).

I know that prayers like "I do not want to hate (him/her), please god, give me wisdom" work to get a bit of a hold of that anger. And to learn to hate the wrongdoing but to forgive the wrongdoer in time.

And in my eyes, the hurt done by the partner is a 1000 times more than the hurt done by the other woman, because she never promised anything.

 

[notuptome]

And honestly I still have my faith in Christ and I will never turn away from him because He has done so much for me, but this is the first time in my life where I actually do not feel like praying right now. I will try to pray.

You have a tough row to hoe but when you least feel like praying is just the time you need to pray the most. Remember the prayers that God has answered and give Him thanks. Prayer gets easier when you start by giving thanks and rejoicing in who God is. As bad as it is it could be a lot worse. God will not forsake you, He loves you.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Nicky27]

Does anyone here have a male perspective? Have you done this to your wife? Do you know someone who has? Did you love your wife? I know everyone's case is different. My husband has always treated me good. Hes never done anything to make me say that hes a horrible person. Everyone said we were perfect for each other even his family said that I am a female replica of him. We always laugh hysterically when we are together. Everyone admired our relationship and asked us about it. Until the day he told me what he had done and what I thought existed all came crashing down...I just want you guys to understand because I know every case is different. Thanks for the advice.

 

[MidniteWelder]

Actually Heartsearcher has suggested forgiveness as you may note per the dialogue between him and I.
It was my mention that his advice is more Noble than what I offered but also that he may not understand the commitment within marriage mirrors the same commitment between church and Christ.
Therefore I just have no tolerance for unfaithful behavior, so I wasn't going to offer much before as I feel my advice may have been biased...But I'm over that now
So now I shall offer more if it's of any help to you, praise the Lord for that.

In regards to none of us mentioning staying, try and understand for myself, it was not my intention to offer whether you should leave or stay with your husband as I feel this decision is up to you and people telling you to leave could reap judgement on their part for that influence when it may not be what God wants in your particular situation. Some marriages have been turned around for the better after this sort of circumstance.
Only you can know and make the decision to leave or stay and this decision should be led by God.

You will hear things from many people such as cheaters always cheat and never change.
---That is their own personal experience trying to transfer their own feelings and experiences onto you.

Although I will say people can change from sexual sin, but not of their own accord, it is Christ who changes a persons heart.
It could very well be that forgiveness may be a step to change your husbands heart, but I'm not going to defend your husband as I notice there are a lot of "I"s used in his text to you.
A lot of "I"s could mean he is still focused on who?
The habit of starting a sentence with "I"---is often an indicator of who the focus is on in what follows in the rest of the sentence. Especially when it is used 7 times in one text.

In order for him to change from his addiction, (and that's what he has is an addiction) it will take Christ plus some form of follow up marital counseling to be held accountable within his efforts for change.
For instance something like Drunk driving and getting in an accident could be an ooops I'll never combine the two and ever do that again.
But combining sexual addiction with opportunity to feed it is not a choice someone makes with an accident as a result.
Cheating is a choice made and a conscious decision, which is not accident.

He openly admits he wasn't taught how to treat a lady. That's fine many men don't know how to treat a particular lady since every lady is different. For instance the bible instructing men to treat ladies as their sister.
I could light-heartedly joke with my own sister and she can joke back but if I joked similarly with another "sister in Christ" that person may take offense. So me treating a lady as my own sister may not be how another lady likes to be treated. We're all different with different personalities and differing levels of sensitivity or tough skin.

So I don't believe the issue is so much how to treat a lady but more importantly what your husband must be taught is how his actions directly affect others when he knows what he is doing is blatantly wrong. He must also be willing to accept being held accountable for them and not play them off with excuses.
There is no excuse for cheating.
Just as there is no excuse for robbing a bank or stealing someones car just because you want it.
Such a person knows what they are doing is wrong but CHOOSE to do so anyway.
Same with cheating behaviors. which are worse because they are a practice of the behaviors of deception and lying, and betrayal. The behaviors satan tries to trick people into practicing as opposed to what is righteous and noble.
Whether it be a Lady or Man common respect dictates not to be overly greedy and serve oneself taking what they want regardless of how it may affect their loved ones, especially the person closest to him.

He has confessed to you on his own which is at least a start yes, but that could also be to alleviate his own guilt.
At least he has a conscience. So there's something to work with.
So if there is some fertile soil to work with it must be cultivated into his rebuilding the foundation of his moral system upon the principles of Christs moral system.
IE"if one even LOOKS at another with lust it is adultery"
This rebuilding of his core will take removing all bricks he has built his own crumbly belief system on.
It will be painful for both of you and take time and is not something which can be done overnight because the root of why he did what he did needs to be found and targeted and then removed by shedding light to it so this doesn't happen again.
A simple sorry I wont do it anymore is not going to hold up as much as he may even want to change.
Now I could state how I have handled this type of situation for myself in the past but that has no bearing in your case.
What does bear relevance is only your particular situation and how much your commitment to your husband wishes to give him a chance at change.
Because it will take both of your efforts.
Many people who mess up in this way in a relationship have the misconception that if they just ask forgiveness they will get it and some even demand it feeling what they've done wrong has been atoned for in their own prescribed time.
IE: when I say I'm done making it up to you is when its good enough
This mentality is letting the perpetrator dictate their own discipline or punishment.
He may not even realize that cheating is abuse which not only affects you but himself as well.
But how has this affected you?
This is abuse in my opinion more than harsh words.
Even if he is not mean verbally I would personally rather someone openly and honestly tell me their thoughts and feelings no matter how harsh than to... betray my trust whether it be nicely or behind my back.
How about you? Which do you feel is more detrimental to our inner being.

He will have to come to understand as well how his motives behind his actions also affect the God he says he serves.
Him saying he doesn't know how to treat a lady is an excuse he is giving for his behavior hoping you will accept it. His excuse doesn't justify his actions. He should be willing to treat all people with the same respect they deserve, Man or Lady.
Only him stopping his unfaithful behavior for good will be the justifying factor in how he acts and behaves from here on out.
He may even think its ok to look but not touch...who knows? If so that's unacceptable and he would need to be retaught proper motives within the guidelines of respecting marriage.
This is why some form of counseling would be helpful to make a determination in what he thinks and how he justifies things.
In my own experience I've given a person a chance to mess up, then within forgiveness a chance to make up for it.
If they have refused to make up for it then it stands to reason they are unrepentant and not willing to change.
Christ spoke of someone who has been given a chance to change but has been unwilling. You may be surprised to discover the outcome of this.

Not to bring the focus of the marriage to you since it is a partnership BUT...
-----Your husbands actions are made up for when you feel good about things again, not when he feels good about things again. He is the one who messed up here not you.

I'm not saying him buying you flowers all the time to make up for things.
I'm saying him showing his devotion and dedication in marriage is to you and that his actions show in truth he wants no other. That he looks at no other, that he speaks of no other woman as being attractive etc.
I feel for you what you're going through, as you had trusted him up until this point and now he has put you in a position of having to earn your trust back.
It can be done but also know that if resentment starts to present itself within you, getting him back for anything isn't going to help you in your own healing. This is what you can guard your heart from. The ill feelings that something traumatic can cause. Regardless of whether you leave him or stay. Make note to guard your heart from bitterness, spite, and resentment as these feelings will detract from the Love Christ wishes you to have.
Another reason being that if you choose to work it out... your husband also needs to start practicing whats right before God, and your influence would be helpful for him to do so.
You still need to do whats right before God regardless of what anybody else does.

And may I offer I don't believe you were blind as you mention.
But that you trusted as we should in a marriage.
As opposed to always being suspicious of every person until they prove themselves. This is a Godly character trait in you.
It is my belief that everybody should be trusted and respected until THEY give us a reason to no longer offer them this courtesy.
When a person takes advantage of this character trait in us as a Christian they have revealed to us they cannot be trusted and its a whole new ball game, with them NOW having to earn their good standing back.

That trait of yours was taken for granted by someone
It is up to you when you choose to offer forgiveness whether it be now or later or little by little.
We cannot tell you how to feel about this situation and mostly because God should be leading your decisions in this, not how other people feel about your situation.
But we can pray for you and help keep you grounded in Christ and focused on the logical aspects of what has taken place. I'm sorry what you're going through right now. You'll be in all of our prayers.

 

[Nicky27]

Actually Heartsearcher has suggested forgiveness as you may note per the dialogue between him and I.
It was my mention that his advice is more Noble than what I offered but also that he may not understand the commitment within marriage mirrors the same commitment between church and Christ.
Therefore I just have no tolerance for unfaithful behavior, so I wasn't going to offer much before as I feel my advice may have been biased...But I'm over that now
So now I shall offer more if it's of any help to you, praise the Lord for that.

In regards to none of us mentioning staying, try and understand for myself, it was not my intention to offer whether you should leave or stay with your husband as I feel this decision is up to you and people telling you to leave could reap judgement on their part for that influence when it may not be what God wants in your particular situation. Some marriages have been turned around for the better after this sort of circumstance.
Only you can know and make the decision to leave or stay and this decision should be led by God.

You will hear things from many people such as cheaters always cheat and never change.
---That is their own personal experience trying to transfer their own feelings and experiences onto you.

Although I will say people can change from sexual sin, but not of their own accord, it is Christ who changes a persons heart.
It could very well be that forgiveness may be a step to change your husbands heart, but I'm not going to defend your husband as I notice there are a lot of "I"s used in his text to you.
A lot of "I"s could mean he is still focused on who?
The habit of starting a sentence with "I"---is often an indicator of who the focus is on in what follows in the rest of the sentence. Especially when it is used 7 times in one text.

In order for him to change from his addiction, (and that's what he has is an addiction) it will take Christ plus some form of follow up marital counseling to be held accountable within his efforts for change.
For instance something like Drunk driving and getting in an accident could be an ooops I'll never combine the two and ever do that again.
But combining sexual addiction with opportunity to feed it is not a choice someone makes with an accident as a result.
Cheating is a choice made and a conscious decision, which is not accident.

He openly admits he wasn't taught how to treat a lady. That's fine many men don't know how to treat a particular lady since every lady is different. For instance the bible instructing men to treat ladies as their sister.
I could light-heartedly joke with my own sister and she can joke back but if I joked similarly with another "sister in Christ" that person may take offense. So me treating a lady as my own sister may not be how another lady likes to be treated. We're all different with different personalities and differing levels of sensitivity or tough skin.

So I don't believe the issue is so much how to treat a lady but more importantly what your husband must be taught is how his actions directly affect others when he knows what he is doing is blatantly wrong. He must also be willing to accept being held accountable for them and not play them off with excuses.
There is no excuse for cheating.
Just as there is no excuse for robbing a bank or stealing someones car just because you want it.
Such a person knows what they are doing is wrong but CHOOSE to do so anyway.
Same with cheating behaviors. which are worse because they are a practice of the behaviors of deception and lying, and betrayal. The behaviors satan tries to trick people into practicing as opposed to what is righteous and noble.
Whether it be a Lady or Man common respect dictates not to be overly greedy and serve oneself taking what they want regardless of how it may affect their loved ones, especially the person closest to him.

He has confessed to you on his own which is at least a start yes, but that could also be to alleviate his own guilt.
At least he has a conscience. So there's something to work with.
So if there is some fertile soil to work with it must be cultivated into his rebuilding the foundation of his moral system upon the principles of Christs moral system.
IE"if one even LOOKS at another with lust it is adultery"
This rebuilding of his core will take removing all bricks he has built his own crumbly belief system on.
It will be painful for both of you and take time and is not something which can be done overnight because the root of why he did what he did needs to be found and targeted and then removed by shedding light to it so this doesn't happen again.
A simple sorry I wont do it anymore is not going to hold up as much as he may even want to change.
Now I could state how I have handled this type of situation for myself in the past but that has no bearing in your case.
What does bear relevance is only your particular situation and how much your commitment to your husband wishes to give him a chance at change.
Because it will take both of your efforts.
Many people who mess up in this way in a relationship have the misconception that if they just ask forgiveness they will get it and some even demand it feeling what they've done wrong has been atoned for in their own prescribed time.
IE: when I say I'm done making it up to you is when its good enough
This mentality is letting the perpetrator dictate their own discipline or punishment.
He may not even realize that cheating is abuse which not only affects you but himself as well.
But how has this affected you?
This is abuse in my opinion more than harsh words.
Even if he is not mean verbally I would personally rather someone openly and honestly tell me their thoughts and feelings no matter how harsh than to... betray my trust whether it be nicely or behind my back.
How about you? Which do you feel is more detrimental to our inner being.

He will have to come to understand as well how his motives behind his actions also affect the God he says he serves.
Him saying he doesn't know how to treat a lady is an excuse he is giving for his behavior hoping you will accept it. His excuse doesn't justify his actions. He should be willing to treat all people with the same respect they deserve, Man or Lady.
Only him stopping his unfaithful behavior for good will be the justifying factor in how he acts and behaves from here on out.
He may even think its ok to look but not touch...who knows? If so that's unacceptable and he would need to be retaught proper motives within the guidelines of respecting marriage.
This is why some form of counseling would be helpful to make a determination in what he thinks and how he justifies things.
In my own experience I've given a person a chance to mess up, then within forgiveness a chance to make up for it.
If they have refused to make up for it then it stands to reason they are unrepentant and not willing to change.
Christ spoke of someone who has been given a chance to change but has been unwilling. You may be surprised to discover the outcome of this.

Not to bring the focus of the marriage to you since it is a partnership BUT...
-----Your husbands actions are made up for when you feel good about things again, not when he feels good about things again. He is the one who messed up here not you.

I'm not saying him buying you flowers all the time to make up for things.
I'm saying him showing his devotion and dedication in marriage is to you and that his actions show in truth he wants no other. That he looks at no other, that he speaks of no other woman as being attractive etc.
I feel for you what you're going through, as you had trusted him up until this point and now he has put you in a position of having to earn your trust back.
It can be done but also know that if resentment starts to present itself within you, getting him back for anything isn't going to help you in your own healing. This is what you can guard your heart from. The ill feelings that something traumatic can cause. Regardless of whether you leave him or stay. Make note to guard your heart from bitterness, spite, and resentment as these feelings will detract from the Love Christ wishes you to have.
Another reason being that if you choose to work it out... your husband also needs to start practicing whats right before God, and your influence would be helpful for him to do so.
You still need to do whats right before God regardless of what anybody else does.

And may I offer I don't believe you were blind as you mention.
But that you trusted as we should in a marriage.
As opposed to always being suspicious of every person until they prove themselves. This is a Godly character trait in you.
It is my belief that everybody should be trusted and respected until THEY give us a reason to no longer offer them this courtesy.
When a person takes advantage of this character trait in us as a Christian they have revealed to us they cannot be trusted and its a whole new ball game, with them NOW having to earn their good standing back.

That trait of yours was taken for granted by someone
It is up to you when you choose to offer forgiveness whether it be now or later or little by little.
We cannot tell you how to feel about this situation and mostly because God should be leading your decisions in this, not how other people feel about your situation.
But we can pray for you and help keep you grounded in Christ and focused on the logical aspects of what has taken place. I'm sorry what you're going through right now. You'll be in all of our prayers.

Thank you so much midnite

 

[DuchessAimee]

Please don't take my following bluntness in anything but love.



He did NOT treat you well. He lied to you for years. He took your trusting and naive nature and used you. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. It has been said by another poster or two that you don't know for sure that he hasn't cheated on you with other people, and you should seriously take this into consideration. Someone doesn't wake up one day and think, "ya know what? I think I'm going to have an affair of some kind." An affair is thought about, planned, plotted. There had to be conversations and decisions made to have the affair. Even a one night stand... that's planned to some degree. The person who had the affair had to purpose in their heart to do so. They had to be okay with the sexual sin. They had to make the justification that it was okay to cheat on their significant other. Planned. The affairs are always planned.


Your pride is damaged, I get that. I soooooo get that. I had a very public breakup when my ex and I split. He was a cheater, so I understand the whole "I'm going to forgive him and stay" thing. But I found out he was a serial cheater, and the relationship ended at that point. So you don't want anyone to know. Honestly Nicky, that's just silly. You need help and sooner or later, the church is going to find out. I'll bet you a shiny nickel that the chick he cheated with will probably let it "slip". Because she's unrepentant, because she's called you names, because she blames only your husband, because she's walking around with a smirk, because she's still coming to church, she's not only proud of herself, but her designs on your husband may extend past sleeping with him.


The best prediction of future behavior is the past. It's possible that your husband means that he won't cheat again, I can't say for sure. However, you cannot continue to turn a blind eye to your husband and marriage. You need distance, like Misty mentioned. You also need Godly female mentors like Mystdancer said.


I would also advise individual counseling. I know how the questions pop up about yourself, the other woman, revenge, etc. Going to see someone to talk this whole thing out by yourself will be very beneficial. Your husband also needs individual counseling because of what he's doing (and has done). Go seperately, and I would recommend going to an actual therapist, not just your pastor. Most pastors only get a class or two in psychology and martial counseling. Going to a lay counselor, a marriage family therapist, etc is probably the best thing.


If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

 

[Nicky27]

You guys have been so helpful and I am feeling so much better talking to you. Thank you so much everyone for spending time reading my post and commenting when you could have been doing something else. It means so much to me. I am very thankful to God for all of you lovely people.

Since there is a snow storm, I am stuck at home right now. I have told my husband my decision to separate. He seems devastated but he is trying hard to make me change my mind by cooking for me because I am not eating and asking me why I changed my mind and clinging to me. Whatever, I will not let my emotions get the best of me. I will leave when I get the chance to think about if it is a smart to stay married to this man and build a family with him. I will be thinking and trying to pray. Thanks so much.