Today is kind of really a big deal for me here.
I made a decision well before Thanksgiving, and I have since been fine-tuning logistics, storing up courage, and doing one heck of a lot of praying about the entire thing.
Three months on, it's time to put plans into action.
I am terrified.
Yet at the same time, I feel very much like God is in control of the whole thing, more than I can see or ever will know. I feel at peace, if not entirely content about my decision.
I always wonder how I'm supposed to know if I'm doing what God wants, or if I'm trying to take over and just doing what I want.
But the thing here is, the decision I've made is not something that I wanted. It's opposite of ideal; it's something that I've fought with myself against for a very long time, always finding reasons against it...but I've finally realized that my "reasons" were actually excuses born of fear.
The fear I feel isn't about the decision itself; that, I believe is right. Maybe not "good", according to so many people, but right.
I'm scared because I've never done this before. Scared because I have my babies to think of, and I underestimate my abilities, and I always tell myself I can't do things.
I know better, yet there's still the nagging doubts- Am I really capable of this?
And I have the answer to that...
No, I on my own, am not capable.
But there is absolutely no question that God is more than capable, and I am learning, albeit slowly, to lean on Him.
While yes, I came to this decision on my own in a lot of ways, I am now doing my very best to allow God to get me through it.
I know I'm being all annoyingly vague and all about things; sorry for that. There will be a point in the near future when I can just say what I mean, and honestly, that will be a huge relief for me. I'm sure I'll take a lot of flack over it...and that's fine. I made the decision knowing that plenty of people wouldn't agree with it. I made it knowing that I would probably even lose friends over it, and that some of my own family will be upset with me.
Like I said- not ideal, but right nonetheless.
It's going to be a really busy week.