How do you decide to have feelings for?

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#21
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#21
I can see the possibility of a relationship and how it plays out and sometimes that is a tempting proposition.


But at the end of the day, I like that the responsibility of pursuit falls upon my shoulders, it means I get to choose.


This last weekend I made a choice, to ask one particular lady to join me at someone else's wedding. And at the same time, this choice means that I have eliminated all of the possibilities of anyone else coming with me.

Therefore, I must feel so compelled by the validity of this one choice that I am willing to, for the time being, forsake all other possibilities. There is value in this.


It may never be blatantly stated but, it is honorable for a woman to be chosen, to be pursued, and to be first.

Its bad if you are picking arbitrarily. Its bad if you are Settling. Its bad if you are pursuing because everyone else thinks they are cool. Its bad if you are pursuing for some personal gain. Its bad if you are pursuing to make other people jealous. Its bad if you are pursuing someone as a status symbol.
 
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#22
#22
IloveyouGod said:
OK, what do you do to make your heart pure Donkeyfish? :)
Click to expand...
Commandments 1 and 2.

Love god and love your neighbor as yourself (Paraphrasing). How else could it be done?

Also, I'm not claiming my heart is 100% pure....just that I strive for that. lol
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A

abbiejean

Guest
#23
#23
Liamson said:
I can see the possibility of a relationship and how it plays out and sometimes that is a tempting proposition.


But at the end of the day, I like that the responsibility of pursuit falls upon my shoulders, it means I get to choose.


This last weekend I made a choice, to ask one particular lady to join me at someone else's wedding. And at the same time, this choice means that I have eliminated all of the possibilities of anyone else coming with me.

Therefore, I must feel so compelled by the validity of this one choice that I am willing to, for the time being, forsake all other possibilities. There is value in this.


It may never be blatantly stated but, it is honorable for a woman to be chosen, to be pursued, and to be first.

Its bad if you are picking arbitrarily. Its bad if you are Settling. Its bad if you are pursuing because everyone else thinks they are cool. Its bad if you are pursuing for some personal gain. Its bad if you are pursuing to make other people jealous. Its bad if you are pursuing someone as a status symbol.
Click to expand...
Like how you stated, that Liamson. :) A lady, in my heart, never wants to feel she's second best. If she's truly a woman of God and is seeking His Will and direction for her life, when a man chooses her and only her as led of the Lord, she's special. Bless the man that through his actions and words tells her that and makes her feel that. In my mind, that's a man.
 
cyphercat

cyphercat

Banned
#24
Jun 22, 2013
380
5
0
#24
rachelsedge said:
I don't think you choose your feelings. If we could, then I would choose to stop liking the guy I've been trying to stop liking for...well, a while. :)

You do choose, however, what to do with them. You can dwell on them and let them consume your thoughts, as it seems like you are doing, or you can acknowledge that they're there and then move on. If you dwell on them too much or become obsessed, then the fall will feel hard if they aren't reciprocated. If you take them as they are and know that it's not the end of the world if they aren't reciprocated (because nobody is obligated to like anyone back) then you're able to roll with it more.

Though I, personally, think there's a bigger issue if you're deeply attracted to 4 or 5 girls at the same time. :-/ That seems a little unhealthy.
Click to expand...
I have heard this before, in this post, that there's something underlying all of this that needs to be dealt with.
I wish I could identify it, if there is anything there.

I know that when I see a certain girl, I get those feelings.
I don't dwell on those feelings, they are just there.
There are several girls that I have seen that cause these feelings to come up in me.
I do get on with my life.
I think that I try my best not to encourage the feelings.
As a man, I will naturally think of how nice it would be to have a girlfriend. Just like every other natural thing I might daydream about, such as a Christian ministry, seeing my daughter at her wedding day, having a career one day. All of these things could enhance my life.
So I will naturally take the feeling and go, "If this girl were in my life, it would be nice. I can imagine the conversations we would have. The places we would go together. I can imagine sharing my feelings with her. Sharing our walk as Christians together. Being there for each other and enjoying the same things in this life."
And so on.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#25
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#25
I haven't dated or searched for a mate in a long time, but I think it can be easy to get infatuated with someone. I remember in high school I really liked this guy, he was cute and he could sing and play the guitar and he had this curly hair and he was dreamy. But once we talked we didn't have much in common and the infatuation went away.

I think you might see someone and wonder what it would be like to be a couple with that person, and if you get to talking and find out it's a great match then cool, that's when I think maybe the feeling that for the other people would maybe go away.

Just my 2 cents.
 
cyphercat

cyphercat

Banned
#26
Jun 22, 2013
380
5
0
#26
Fenner said:
I haven't dated or searched for a mate in a long time, but I think it can be easy to get infatuated with someone. I remember in high school I really liked this guy, he was cute and he could sing and play the guitar and he had this curly hair and he was dreamy. But once we talked we didn't have much in common and the infatuation went away.

I think you might see someone and wonder what it would be like to be a couple with that person, and if you get to talking and find out it's a great match then cool, that's when I think maybe the feeling that for the other people would maybe go away.

Just my 2 cents.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I'm learning not to be afraid to just talk to girls. The infatuation is like the fuel you need to get the ball rolling. So I take that fuel, start a conversation, and learn about them.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#27
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#27
cyphercat said:
Yeah, I'm learning not to be afraid to just talk to girls. The infatuation is like the fuel you need to get the ball rolling. So I take that fuel, start a conversation, and learn about them.
Click to expand...

I'm sure it's not easy just to approach someone. All that dating stuff can be pretty tough.
 
cyphercat

cyphercat

Banned
#28
Jun 22, 2013
380
5
0
#28
Fenner said:
I'm sure it's not easy just to approach someone. All that dating stuff can be pretty tough.
Click to expand...
It comes down to rejection. Like I might find out this person doesn't feel the same way that I do. It's similar to leading someone to Christ I think. At least for me it's similar. I'm worried I might not lead them to Christ, and I'm worried I might not be a guy they can fall in love with.
But now I'm learning that in both cases I don't have to be either. I can just talk to a person about Jesus without having led them to Christ, and I can talk to girls I'm attracted to without making them my girlfriend.
And in the end I feel so confident, and glad that I didn't fear.
 
S

Sponge_Bob

Guest
#29
#29
For me it is simple and it still remains that way...See a woman you like and shes single...just walk up to her(which I do), or if youre in a wheelchair then roll up to her or if you are on a bike pedal up to her lol ect you get my point lol. But yea and then say hello or whatever cheesy pickup line you have and then go from there. If she likes you like my current gf did who is amazing then great if she gets grossed out by you then hey what can ya do lol. But either way you keep moving and live life loving God....Simple
 
cyphercat

cyphercat

Banned
#30
Jun 22, 2013
380
5
0
#30
Sponge_Bob said:
For me it is simple and it still remains that way...See a woman you like and shes single...just walk up to her(which I do), or if youre in a wheelchair then roll up to her or if you are on a bike pedal up to her lol ect you get my point lol. But yea and then say hello or whatever cheesy pickup line you have and then go from there. If she likes you like my current gf did who is amazing then great if she gets grossed out by you then hey what can ya do lol. But either way you keep moving and live life loving God....Simple
Click to expand...
This guy gets it! You deserve a girlfriend with that attitude, bro!
 
K

kayem77

Guest
#31
#31
If I like someone, I just deal with it depending on how it works out. If he is not interested even if I tried to get his attention, I mentally dismiss the option . If he is interested, then I allow myself to be more active about it, I let him know I'm interested somehow. The problem comes when I don't know if he is interested or not, in those cases...I just go crazy. :p
 
N

Nick01

Senior Member
#32
Jul 15, 2013
1,272
26
48
#32
A lot of our culture is built on this idea that there is 'the one' person out there who is to be with you. And in a raw philosophical sense, that is true. But if people tell you there's only one guy/girl they've ever liked, either they're really really lucky, they're really really young, or they're lying. Most people I've spoken to will say that they've had feelings for multiple people, before settling on one person.

In some ways, I think it reflects something of the promises of God. If you think about the whole schema of redemptive history, why does God save people? Because he made a promise to Abraham to make him into a nation (of which, Paul tells us, the inheritors of that promise, even among Gentiles, do so by faith). Why did God make a promise to Abraham? The Bible doesn't really say. God just calls Abram out. And God's grace and lovingkindness flows out from his own self-guaranteeing commitment to uphold his seemingly arbitrary promise to Abraham.

Sometimes I feel like relationships and marriages are, or perhaps should be, more like this. That's not to say desirable qualities in a GF/BF or spouse are irrelevant, of course, but the relationship ultimately does not subsist in the fact that the person you are in relationship is empirically better than all other alternatives in your town, let alone the entire world. The love of a successful marriage flows out of the commitment and the promise. In some sense, it may seem like this promise is slightly arbitrary - could I not have chose another person to be in relationship with other than the person I'm with now? - but it's also not, because they are the person you are with, and that in itself is at least part of the value of the relationship; the choice and the promise.

All that to say, I don't think there's any shame in having feelings for multiple women - there is no concept of the one, at least from a human perspective. All that matters is that if and when you are in relationship to someone, that that relationship is not founded ultimately on your 'feelings', or even on the particular qualities of the person you're with, but rather on the promise and the commitment, from which can be seen the very grace and love of the Most High.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, if God has so loved us this way, we also ought to love one another." 1 John 4:10-11
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#33
#33
Well, it's great you're always striving to keep your heart 100% pure. No one is perfect, BUT we always have to constantly grow spiritually and be more and more mature. THAT'S what counts ;)


Donkeyfish07 said:
Commandments 1 and 2.

Love god and love your neighbor as yourself (Paraphrasing). How else could it be done?

Also, I'm not claiming my heart is 100% pure....just that I strive for that. lol
Click to expand...
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#34
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
81
48
34
#34
cyphercat said:
I have heard this before, in this post, that there's something underlying all of this that needs to be dealt with.
I wish I could identify it, if there is anything there.

I know that when I see a certain girl, I get those feelings.
I don't dwell on those feelings, they are just there.
There are several girls that I have seen that cause these feelings to come up in me.
I do get on with my life.
I think that I try my best not to encourage the feelings.
As a man, I will naturally think of how nice it would be to have a girlfriend. Just like every other natural thing I might daydream about, such as a Christian ministry, seeing my daughter at her wedding day, having a career one day. All of these things could enhance my life.
So I will naturally take the feeling and go, "If this girl were in my life, it would be nice. I can imagine the conversations we would have. The places we would go together. I can imagine sharing my feelings with her. Sharing our walk as Christians together. Being there for each other and enjoying the same things in this life."
And so on.
Click to expand...
I don't think being attracted to different girls, thinking about it in passing, is necessarily a bad thing. I think fantasizing about life with each one that passes by that you're attracted to, that's when I believe it could become an issue.
 
J

just_monicat

Senior Member
#35
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#35
i don't think it's unusual to have interest in several women, but i know you've been going through some tough times, and i think we're especially vulnerable during these periods.

sometimes i think it's way too easy to allow our interest(s) in the opposite sex become a means of immersing ourselves into something that can be rather (pleasantly) distracting when our lives aren't quite on track or we're in pain. pain can sometimes make us feel rather needy, and aware of any perceived void in our lives.

i can certainly offer that in my own life, it's when i'm navigating painful times and working through difficulties that i'm the most vulnerable to guys in my life that i'm vaguely interested. it's also been in those times that i've found myself considering or spending time with a guy that i probably wouldn't have given a second look at, were i in a healthier place emotionally. what can be better for masking pain than having someone around to make you feel good about yourself?

a number of years ago, a wonderful christian mentor suggested something to me. he said, "take an index card and put down five qualities that you absolutely cannot compromise on." it was a great exercise for me. i had spent plenty of time thinking about what i wanted, but not so much about "deal breakers". i prayed about it, and wrote up my list ( i should also point out, i don't think anyone should be so tied to a list that they aren't involving God in the process).

perhaps developing a criteria that can help you decide who ISN'T right for you can be as helpful as being aware of what/who is of interest to you.
 
Last edited:
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#38
#38
How does one like 4 or 5 people at the same time........... :confused:
 
cyphercat

cyphercat

Banned
#39
Jun 22, 2013
380
5
0
#39
just_monicat said:
i don't think it's unusual to have interest in several women, but i know you've been going through some tough times, and i think we're especially vulnerable during these periods.

sometimes i think it's way too easy to allow our interest(s) in the opposite sex become a means of immersing ourselves into something that can be rather (pleasantly) distracting when our lives aren't quite on track or we're in pain. pain can sometimes make us feel rather needy, and aware of any perceived void in our lives.

i can certainly offer that in my own life, it's when i'm navigating painful times and working through difficulties that i'm the most vulnerable to guys in my life that i'm vaguely interested. it's also been in those times that i've found myself considering or spending time with a guy that i probably wouldn't have given a second look at, were i in a healthier place emotionally. what can be better for masking pain than having someone around to make you feel good about yourself?

a number of years ago, a wonderful christian mentor suggested something to me. he said, "take an index card and put down five qualities that you absolutely cannot compromise on." it was a great exercise for me. i had spent plenty of time thinking about what i wanted, but not so much about "deal breakers". i prayed about it, and wrote up my list ( i should also point out, i don't think anyone should be so tied to a list that they aren't involving God in the process).

perhaps developing a criteria that can help you decide who ISN'T right for you can be as helpful as being aware of what/who is of interest to you.
Click to expand...
This is a very good piece of advice.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.