woke up this morning. i am allowing the cares of my pathetic world scare me. i desperately want to be strong in all of this but in the core of me i feel like i just cant take another day of this. i want to lay down and stop fighting. i know i won't,but that is 100% how i feel at this moment. i cant seem to focus on even putting dishes or mugs into a box...knocking on the neighbors door and asking them if they want or need things. i feel like i will burst into tears. i'm not someone who cries. yet i find right now that i can't even form a proper thought without wanting to emotionally breakdown.
part of me is so glad to finally be leaving this place...this state...in my heart,deep down,if i'm honest,i really don't want to go back to ny. it hasn't been my home in 15 yrs...so much has changed. theres a few people i want to see and spend time with but there's nothing truly there for me...i don't know anymore. i feel so freaking lost...displaced....the reality is hitting me so hard this morning & i don't even know why? my life could be worse. other people i know are in much tougher situations...why am i so selfish? i feel so helpless...i want to help others and yet i am a complete mess inside today. i feel trapped...still. what am i being crushed under...what is it that is so bad that i have allowed myself this morning to give in to?????
not sure if I can go out in public today...i think i might just stay in & put together the boxes i need to mail...get them ready to take to ups tomorrow or whatever.
i am being so random...i apologize. to be honest i don't know why i feel the need to lay bare all this to you.am i just that completely narcissistic?
i have to put on my mask. have to go out ...sit and get my hair cut...be polite and act like nothing is wrong. i'll have to make small talk with various people. i don't know how to let go today.
i just want to see my best friend. thats all i can think of this morning. they understand me...get me...always make me feel like there's hope. they're one of those people you meet in life that you know God has given you & placed in your life as a sort of tangible expression of his love for you. maybe thats a stupid way of describing it...i don't know. all i know is...ugh,I'll shut up now.
Your not selfish or narcissistic You're going through a lot. Honestly I think you're holding it together well Jim.
I think in this world we are taught it's not good to break down, it's crazy, put on a brave face. OK, life has to go on, but it's OK to have times when you just want to cry and not deal with it anymore. It's not narcissistic to talk about it and say,
"Hey, I need to talk about this, I'm stressed out and I need help." It's OK. Don't hold it in.
There are times in my life where I've been flat broke, and not sure how I was going to pay my mortgage and rent. Got through it, but man it was hard to hold it together. There would be one second I'd have it all together not thinking about it, then the next second I'd be like, oh my gosh what am I going to do?
What part of NY are you going to? You don't have to say which city, but are you going to be in Upstate or near NYC? I know it hasn't been your home in 15 years but obviously there is someone there who cares about you and wants to help. You really don't seem to like Maine at all and maybe just leaving there and those memories of a divorce and eviction behind will be good for you.
Set a goal for yourself, I'm going to NY, I'm going to look for a job, in 2 years I'm moving west, or where ever it is you want to go. One day and one step at a time.
I know it's tough but do what you have to do for now. Get your boxes shipped, move, see your friend. Try not to think about to much at once. Today is a day when you'll get some more stuff together hang out at home. Tomorrow do something else. Get it done, get on the bus go to NY. See your friend, look for a job. Then once your there, just start making goals for yourself.
I'm not Dear Abby and I hate to dish out unwanted advice, so you can ignore me if you want.
I'm going to say this again, this is coming from a person who used to have horrible anxiety attacks. One day, one step, one moment at a time. God Bless you.
