wondering about how christians date

[zeroturbulence]

It could be that he's just too afraid (shy) to make the first move.

 

[just_monicat]

Well, perhaps this is how we learn from one another to iron out our wrinkles and polish our edges?

Would you agree that all godly relationships between a brother and a sister have roughly 4 general stages: 1. Friendship stage; 2. Courtship; 3. Engagement stage; 4. Marriage?

Would you agree that between a brother and a sister in the Lord there should always be an ethical understanding of what the two mean to each other? We all understand "would you marry me?", right? ...that's when an engagement ring is provided by the brother to the sister. Well, why then should saints be vague before the engagement ring?

Would you agree that we are to guard our hearts because we have no right to decide over the heart of another saint to correspond to whatever love we may think we have for that saint?

I've seen this happen over and time again in which a brother (or sister) falls in love without being corresponded, and then that brother (or sister) becomes depressed, upset, heartbroken, etc. I've even seen this stuff turn into infatuation long after the saint has married somebody else.

So, where is God in our lives when all this entanglement of the heart is happening? I'll pause here to learn from your thoughts.

thanks for your post. i agree with all of the things above that you stated, and appreciate your desire for clarity and the chance to understand each other better. let me share how i came to this place.

when i first read it, i made a couple assumptions. first, that she was unclear about the nature of the relationship. with the amount of activities and the 2 month period, my impression was that he probably already has some clear feelings for her -- probably intentions of something to progress beyond "friends" potentially. the fact that this hasn't been clarified gave me some pause. i can't imagine spending 2 months and lots of time via activities together not being aware of whether i was in a courtship/dating situation or just a platonic-intended friend, which is how i read what she was saying.

also, i have to confess that i'm particularly sensitive to this issue for personal reasons. because of my job and the way things have worked for me - i have always had several good guy friends who are strictly platonic. i have been in the situation, where i thought we were perfectly clear, but in fact, he had feelings for me and he was hoping that possibly my feelings had changed. i was blindsided and regretted that this hadn't been brought it up sooner -- feelings could possibly have been spared. this has happened once before, and it almost happened a second time. relationships that seemed to be very clear to me, but in fact, someone else was thinking or hoping for something different and didn't bring it up before their heart got involved, meanwhile, i am clueless about this. it breaks my heart for anybody to have to go through this kind of needless pain.

however, after your reply, i re-read her post and saw in a fresh light that she was more concerned about whether the guy was sexually attracted to her, and her point was not really so much about "are we courting/dating or not?", or so it appeared to me, now with fresh eyes that i quite possibly misunderstood the point of the original post.

i still believe that a man can remain in a leadership role in the relationship, and he not be forced to reveal his heart while still confirming that they are "courting/dating/getting to know each other for purposeful reasons" if someone is genuinely confused about the intentions. after that length of time, if she doesn't know, i find that possibly a problem since she has feelings.

but after i re-read it, i began to question whether my own experiences *laugh* were really what created the filter that i viewed that message through. was this a question about "is he attracted to me?" or "are we strictly platonic friends or courting"?

this is a question of intention for me. i think a man who is a courting/dating does so for the purpose of getting to know whether there is potential for more. if they are both clear that is what is happening, i agree there is no reason to speak up --in fact, i think that would be wrong. if she doesn't know what the point of their relationship is, i would stand by what i said.

i hope that makes sense. : )

 

[carolie]

however, after your reply, i re-read her post and saw in a fresh light that she was more concerned about whether the guy was sexually attracted to her, and her point was not really so much about "are we courting/dating or not?", or so it appeared to me, now with fresh eyes that i quite possibly misunderstood the point of the original post...

if they are both clear that is what is happening, i agree there is no reason to speak up --in fact, i think that would be wrong. if she doesn't know what the point of their relationship is, i would stand by what i said.

i hope that makes sense. : )

Thank you to all. Yes to the above, I do believe we are dating and my question was more about whether he was attracted to me because I did not realize that for some Christians things like kissing, hand holding and hugging were saved for engagement/marriage as well. I hope this does not sound selfish, but my fear was that I could wind up with a cold man. I want very much to have a loving sexual relationship after marriage. My ex was a serial cheater and I did not want to set myself up again for someone with "issues." I see now after reading everyone's comments that this is his way of honoring me. He is a true gentleman in so many ways. I don't think there is an "issue" here anymore and now I feel like I can just relax and enjoy our time together. I will not speak up at this point. I think a few more months and maybe then a talk would be appropriate, but might not even be necessary. You are all so wonderful for taking me under wing. Thanks a million!

For now, I know that my priority must be to be worthy of Christ.

Carolie

 

[BananaPie]

Oh my, Carolie! May The Lord bless your heart! Godly relationships are always so encouraging, and yours is melting my heart in joy! Hugs.

 

[Souluvaman]

First of all... welcome to the wonderful family of God, sister! That is so awesome that this subject is of concern for you. This is exactly where I would start with him... the importance of this powerful subject. As far as I'm concerned... you don't need to wait for him to bring up the subject. It is an age old reputation of the "man class" to be the aggressor in this area of normalcy but SOME men still are shy about this NATURAL urge... ESPECIALLY when they care a lot about you. (I was one of these men.) Once you have opened up to him about your concern... it will be much easier after that. Just remember what Jesus said to all of us... "I will NEVER leave you, nor forsake you." If any child of God loves God and they happen to fall to ANY style of sin... don't listen to Satan speaking to you; as he will immediately! He will try and make you feel "no good". He is a liar from the fire! Confess your failings and your weakness... Jesus WAY understands our weaknesses... even those of a sexual nature. I love you both in the Lord and I pray your sensitive discussion goes well. Hold hands and pray together BEFORE you begin this important discussion; as it will help a lot. Souluvaman

 

[just_monicat]

Thank you to all. Yes to the above, I do believe we are dating and my question was more about whether he was attracted to me because I did not realize that for some Christians things like kissing, hand holding and hugging were saved for engagement/marriage as well. I hope this does not sound selfish, but my fear was that I could wind up with a cold man. I want very much to have a loving sexual relationship after marriage. My ex was a serial cheater and I did not want to set myself up again for someone with "issues." I see now after reading everyone's comments that this is his way of honoring me. He is a true gentleman in so many ways. I don't think there is an "issue" here anymore and now I feel like I can just relax and enjoy our time together. I will not speak up at this point. I think a few more months and maybe then a talk would be appropriate, but might not even be necessary. You are all so wonderful for taking me under wing. Thanks a million!

For now, I know that my priority must be to be worthy of Christ.

Carolie

carolie,

i'm so happy for you. it sounds like you found a great guy, and i wish you nothing but the very best. it sounds like you are on the right track!

i'm glad you were encouraged here on CC. i have been very blessed by my time here and the many kind and loving christian brothers and sisters.

monica : )