never had a gf. don't see much hope of ever getting one. any suggestions?

aloha999 · Feb 24, 2014

i have been waiting and praying for more than two decades for a husband. I entered into two relationships with non-Christians and I broke it off. It is very painful being single. I can't find many friends - all my siblings are married and don't spend time with me. I am getting to that age where I cannot have children. Why doesn't God or other Christians remember us?

kenthomas27 · Feb 24, 2014

Oh come on Arcanyancula..Archanacula.....arcanicualear... whatever. You're gonna be fine, don't worry. You'll probably be married long before most of us are finished moaning about being single. But here's something to watch out for - once you get married that is. It's children. You heard me right - children. My dad often said there's only 3 things he's afraid of in life and that's tornados, torpedos, and children under 5 and I believed him. Don't get me wrong! They're adorable I know...

But they're here for one purpose....

They're here to replace you Archancu..Arcaniculay...Arcaniculayer. And they know it too. They'll act all cute and cuddly but don't you believe it for a second, they want you out of the picture. I've sat across from babies and caught them looking at me like "go ahead and eat that piece of pie, Uncle Ken. Clog up them arteries". They're out to kill you.

I whispered to this one once "I'm on to you, you little monster"....

eugenius · Feb 24, 2014

Bridget_Left_China said:

There are thousands of people who have this problem.

Aerendyl · Feb 24, 2014

The only correct advice is to be more like Johhny.

Devin · Feb 24, 2014

Its better to be alone rather than ending up alone n one thing is for sure. even if you fall in love depression will never leave you.... thats my personal experience

mystdancer50 · Feb 24, 2014

It is all about focus. If you are focused on the single thing, you will be miserable and it will be a hard, difficult and lonely time...and it will continue because your focus needs to change. Focus on God. He knows the desires of your heart and He has everything under control. Once you surrender to Him and let go, you will find joy in the waiting. It isn't that waiting is easier for some than for others. I have very minimal patience. It is about choosing to look to Christ instead of trying to ease loneliness and find contentment and love in a dating or marriage relationship. To find these things in Christ means you will be ready when that person comes along and your ultimate satisfaction, joy, and happiness will not depend on theirs or your circumstances.

Donkeyfish07 · Feb 24, 2014

Arcynaculr said:

The best thing I could tell you is socialize a lot, never hide your interest from someone you want to ask out, and actually ask them out. You will meet up with someone you click with that likes you back if you put yourself out there enough. I suggest actually building a social life offline and not relying on/using social media for dating related purposes.

NightRevan · Feb 24, 2014

Accusations of deceptions are unjust I think, and saying he is just whining ore dismissing what he is saying just because he is 20 is not listening to him. Because a matter was little in our lives you are not seeing just how big their are in his, and more importantly are missing the larger and deeper issues they are hinting at with him and which he has invested in his search of a girlfriend. As Christians we are called to be Christ to the world, we called to understand and identify with people, not be like the world and join it in dismissing someone, ignoring them (one whom Jesus died for) and even joke about them. It's not what we called to be, and it's sad to see it happen, listen to him and those like him, identify with him, if we don't do this, is it any wonder that he and those with him never listen to Christ's message to the world, how will he see Jesus if he doesn't see Him through us?

As eugenius has said, many have this problem, and it seems to be clear from reading some of his posts that there is a larger issue in his life which (and having been there when I was his age, and a non-Christian then, I really do understand) he has focused around the issue of getting a girlfriend, in the hopes that she would be the one to understand him, to be someone who could see him and talk to him, end the isolation and loneliness. And with it, to end the depression that has come with it, and have doubts about it, as his tag says, depression can most definitely be a killer, I remember being near-suicidal with it at times in life, including when I was a teenager, and suicide from it is a major killer world-wide. Don't dismiss such cry with statements of you are only 20 or because the issue minor to you, not when things show it to be an expression of a much larger and deeper issue, of isolation of anyone at that age, no real friends or anyone you can talk with and relate to, such a place will magnify each and every rejection (such as those eluded to on the social sites), it seems to confirm the message you receive everywhere, you aren't worth anything, you are failure as a person, everyone would be better of if you were gone. And you don't know God, you don't know His love for you, and the infinite worth you have to Him, the strength He gives you, from your perspective you are completely and totally alone, the whole world as you know, all the messages it sends, from college or work, family you can't talk to, media, in causal interactions seem to confirm to you that no one notices you, values you, the confirm you are less then human. And the depression makes it seem total, where to someone having to deal with just this or that issue, and looking from the outside (or from having come out of it looking back) it doesn't seem so serious or important, when you are in it, it is deadly, and at times really is a life and death struggle.

So with this, I'll say Arcynaulr I do understand you and where you are coming from, I have lived someone similar to yourself when I was around your age, and I understand the sense of isolation and worthlessness that seems to be magnified each time someone, friend or a woman you were hoping for more with not only declines but ignores you or doesn't respond at all. It hurts, and it seems to confirm what you your mind so much of the world seems to be telling you anyway, but first while I can't say that you might end up married and therefore don't necessarily worry about (if you are in depression that advice wouldn't help anyhow, you wouldn't be able to stop just like that), it might be that you just don't connect with a woman in that way. This world is broken, and sometimes for many complicated reasons we might never connect with someone in that way and marry, sometimes the worlds makes people eunuchs, I hope not for your sake (and for aloha999, I do see you to, and I will respond to you as well) but sometimes in a world ravaged by sin and death, it does happen, none of us are the people should be, and thanks to God, we will be. However from what I'm getting I don't think even if you did end up with a girlfriend tomorrow it would solve your problems, because girlfriend or wife, they may or may not love you to provide some connection for you, and some validation to you, but they are unable and won't be the magic pill will end your current state of isolating, of being unloved (whether that is true or not), of being value-less. Worse, you might even end up placing your whole remaining value in that relationship, and despite what allot of romantic films and storylines would have you believe, that isn't a healthy relationship or state to being. It would place far to much pressure on it, and on your girlfriend, it couldn't carry that weight, and one way or another it would either crumble or be twisted by it, and you would be affected worse then you were.

You need first to face the real issues that you are hoping a girlfriend/wife will solve, of being loved, valued, being seen as who you are, of being known as a person, a fully human and not being felt to be dismissed as something less then that. And the truth is you are this, but it is hard to see when you are in locked in the blackness of depression, what Winston Churchill called the black dog, it is a thing that can has crushed the greatest of men and women, and was a common affliction to men and women throughout the Bible. You are not alone in this, and there are many like you feeling isolated and alone, for one thing even though you may not see Him, and you don't know if He's there or even if He is who Christians say He is, God is there for you, He is with you even when you don't feel Him. He is there to grieve with you, and to heal you, and is ready for you turn to Him, for Him you a have an infinite and special value, He loves you in a way He doesn't love anyone else, He loves each of us infinitely and uniquely, and even though you don't believe it now, Jesus died for you personally, taking all the sin, evil, all the isolation, pain, depression, darkness and death that this world afflicts you with on Himself at the cross, He identified with you there, and He exhausted it's claim and power on you completely, and when He was raised you were brought with Him into that new creation Life, to be set free to become the fully unique and human person you were meant to be. He did that for you, and is there for when you are ready to turn and seek Him, to accept who you are, and welcome you back

, also I know when you are the midst of such depression it can be hard to see a way out, or accept when people do start to tell you that it can get better, or that you are worth something. But it can and you are, I hope if you haven't already, that you do reach out to those who care about you, to you parents if they will listen (and I necessarily assume they won't) and also think about taking to a doctor or counsellor, and see what treatment they can offer through therapy or through medication (if it has associated physiological causes), it is no weakness to reach out in this way. Depression is an illness, it affects your mind and twists how we see the world and interpret everything around us, so getting professional help is invaluable to helping you think and see things clearly once more, and can help you see things in their proper perspective, where your depression is no longer magnifying them out of all proportion. And I also feel in this you need to forget for the moment focusing on finding a girlfriend, having one won't solve all your problems in any case, but rather making connections with people in general, and learning to relax and find the worth in friendships you build (despite what the world tells you, friends are not second-class to romantic relationships but can be just as important) and enjoy your time with them, with your family, and get out to do things you enjoy. And as hard as it can be, try and focus on finding others you can help, just the act of focusing on others, on helping, serving and loving them can have a powerful affect in changing your whole perspective, how you feel and how you see yourself, learning to focus off yourself and onto others is a great aid to stepping out of yourself and instead taking all the unique gifts and advantages you have into other's lives and coming alongside them, and you might find that you are neither so alone or worthless as you were lead to believe.

Finally, I hope you will know that what you think this world is telling you about yourself, what you often enough will tell yourself, and even anyone might tell you on this site, doesn't define who you are. God defines who you are, and He says you are of infinite worth, uniquely special and valuable, and are created to reflect His love, wisdom and restorative justice into the world and sum it's praises back to Him in your unique and individual way, and it's something you alone can do, you can help in this world in a way that no others could ever do. He calls you to Him to step into His forgiveness and to be put right with Him, to accept the future of being an heir and co-heir with Christ, to rescue you yes, and through you to work to put things right in the world, to do what only you can do, because that is your unique gifts and personality. There is none else like you, who can reflect God in the way you do, and the world needs you, you are uniquely special and valuable, and never believe anything or anyone that says or implies anything different to this. I also pray that you consider looking into a church that shows forth the love of Christ, and is able to identify with you and welcome you into their community and can support you as you deal with your troubles and seek after the truth. And I pray that God protects your mind, guides you through your troubles and leads you out of the darkness and reveals to you how much He loves you personally and is with you in your troubles, letting you know that you are not alone, and never will be.

And to aloha999, I understand and sympathise, often seeing others married around you, who then get involved in their own married world leaves you outside, not only don't you have the same thing but you seem to lose even them in such significant ways from your life. And sometimes (and I'm not sure if this has happened to you, but it does) they can then take you for granted, not seeing how some added responsibilities do fall on your shoulders in the family, and assume you can just be there to take care of children for them and so on. It may not be intentional, but it creates situations where they use you nonetheless and don't consider the problems that you have to face alone, and the isolation you feel. And the fact that I hear that so many other Christians don't notice you, and seem to have forgotten you I think is tragic, so often we Christians become just like those in the world, we let it conform our minds and views, and don't let Jesus confirm our minds. We don't see the hurting, the lost, the poor, and the outcasts, even those we outcast in our own circles and we don't identify and go to them in love as we are called to do. We do not love each other as He loved us, even though that is the new commandment He left us. And I'm terribly sorry you have been left so alone by your Christian family, and I hope God opens the eyes of some to seeing how alone you feel and draws them close to you. But I do see you, and much more importantly, God does see you, and He never has and never will forget you, He is with you in this right now, but as I said above the brokenness of the world sometimes means there are those who have had singleness thrust onto us for a season or longer, and it is part of the cross we bear, but He gives us the strength to carry it, and bears it with us, and is with us in it. And He will give us brothers and sisters to in the church family to love around us, and spiritual children we can speak into even for what we have lost because of the damaged nature of the world. Turn to God and let all your frustrations, angry and pain to Him and let Him come in and heal your hurt, let Him walk this road with you and lead you to a community of Christians who will see, love and identify with you.

Also don't allow this world (as so much of the evangelical church has done, and conspires with) to confirm you to it's messages, that sex and romance (which the church re-packages in a nice Christian wrapper under the title of marriage) is the answer or will bring you fulfilment, or necessarily end your longing or your sense of isolation. It won't and can't end those longings or bring full meaning or satisfaction to your life, and where that is made the goal, rather then Christ and being within the family of the church, you will never feel satisfied, so don't believe such a deception, even if it comes from within the church that your meaning is defined by marriage or sex. It isn't, it's defined by God, by His love and by bringing that love to the world and enjoying the fellowship in His family, the rest is a confusion and deception of this world, marriage is a great and beautiful thing, but it isn't the goal, and and it isn't for forever, it ends at the resurrection in any case. Whatever other aspect of things will be then, marriage is not one of them, so it is also only a temporary thing that shall pass. I do pray that the Church does see you at last, and sees your pain and hurting, and that people come alongside and bring you in, ministering in love to you, and that your family don't ignore you or take you from granted. And I hope through all of it, that God shines His love, restoration and peace through your life and those of your family.

May God bless you and protect you both.

Desdichado · Feb 24, 2014

Don't loose all hope. Most women between ages 16 and 21 are not worth dating anyway.

Arcynaculr · Feb 24, 2014

MissColdasIce said:

I whine too much for a 20 yr old man or for a human being?

More to life than emotions, yes. Working, making money, helping others... but at the same time, no matter what i do, the loneliness will be there.
Maybe some people can kill off their feelings, but i guess im not that lucky.

If someone complains about the pain of an empty stomach, do they whine too much? Why is it any different for the pain of an empty heart?
And what cures an empty stomach? Ignoring it? No. Fixing it. Can you do other things with an empty stomach? Yes. but the emptiness and pain will be a constant veil over anything you do. its the same with an empty heart. actually its worse.
Cuz an empty stomach is so much easier to fix.

At least this is my reality. maybe yours is different.

rachelsedge · Feb 24, 2014

Well, an empty stomach will kill you. One could argue that too much loneliness could, but with loneliness, you can at least attempt to redirect your focus and it will help, while doing that with an empty stomach won't. There are things you can do to fix an empty heart. Maybe the results won't be as immediate or easy as eating a cheeseburger, but they are still possible.

mystdancer50 · Feb 24, 2014

I think the thing is that no one on here can truly help you find a girlfriend and, honestly, many on here feel the weight you're feeling. Some just don't say anything. Others say a whole lot. And a small few express a tiny, little tidbit, just enough, and then they move on. There is truly no balance.

The Bible says that there is a season for everything, this includes being single and being lonely. It is what we do with these seasons that matter. I know that there were times I focused on the fact that I was lonely and it was then that I was the most miserable. However, the majority of times when I feel lonely, I consider how much worse my life would be should I be dating someone ungodly or married to a drunken abusive man. These are my options, should I decide that I don't want to focus on and wait on God for marriage and His timing, His season.

The loneliest time in my life was 16-24, truthfully, because that was when I was spending time with others who were dating, falling in love and marrying. Hollywood doesn't help, either. The world and those around you and especially Hollywood, will tell you that you need a girlfriend, that you need romance and sex, that you need to find that someone to make your life complete. It's all a lie.

Someday, yes, you may find love, but to live your life constantly hoping and searching is futile. Why? Because you can always find something to settle on. I am not saying that a person is lower than you when you settle, rather that the timing is off. It could truly be the right person, but due to rushing, you and she have to work out things with the distraction and chaos and wonder of marriage wrapped in, when God intended for you both to be further down the path by the time marriage came around, for the blessing to be easier seen.

You're going to meet three type of people on here:
1. the single ones that have heard it from young people endlessly on here and are 20 or so years older than these young folk who say they're giving up or they don't believe it will happen, and these older singles truly feel that the drama is a waste of energy and will tell you so...or will just tell you that they don't care

2. the single ones who feel exactly as you do, regardless of age, and will commiserate with you, which won't offer any peace or advice or encouragement, but rather will feed into the lie that it is hopeless

3. those that are empathetic, whether married or single, and can actually tell you that God has great things for you, if you wait and trust and lean on Him

The thing is, who will you listen to and did you really want to hear any advice, or did you just want to vent? I think a lot of people use the forums to vent and then get angry when advice is offered. Blogs are the place to vent, forums are the place to discuss and help and encourage. I truly hope there has been some encouragement for you in this thread. I would say to take the time to really read some of the responses and truly let the wisdom and truth flood your heart and help you see that you're all right waiting on God.

And dying as a single person is not the end of the world, by the by. I have heard many say this, too. Jesus gave up His life for our sins at 33 as a single man. It is not as horrible as the media, world and community would make you think.

Arcynaculr · Feb 24, 2014

aloha999 said:

Thats horrible... and that is the situation im afraid of ending up in.

And yea... i have no close friends and my one sib is married at 22 and the other is in a dedicated relationship at 18 :/
and im just here...

I hope things get better for you soon. I dont know what else to say...

Grace-Like-Rain · Feb 24, 2014

Arcynaculr said:

Hey Arcynaculr, I saw your other post in Misc, and I've been praying for ya. Here's the deal... that loneliness you are feeling is because there's a hole in your life. Humans were created for a purpose. That purpose is to glorify a living God. To have a personal relationship with him, through Christ. When we don't fulfill what we were created for, there will be a sense of loss. Some people seem to be able to go through their lives not doing this, and never feel the loss very keenly. But others are more sensitive to what they are missing, what they NEED to be fulfilled. You seem to be one of these.

Other humans (a girlfriend, a best friend) will help, but nothing can replace what you are missing, except God himself. It looks to me as though he is hanging on to you, struggling with you so that you will notice and acknowledge him. That's a really good sign Arc. He will get what he wants in the end.

Do business with the Lord. That is the one and only solution to your sense of loneliness. Blessings to you.

Arcynaculr · Feb 24, 2014

kenthomas27 said:

Oh come on Arcanyancula..Archanacula.....arcanicualear... whatever. You're gonna be fine, don't worry. You'll probably be married long before most of us are finished moaning about being single. But here's something to watch out for - once you get married that is. It's children. You heard me right - children. My dad often said there's only 3 things he's afraid of in life and that's tornados, torpedos, and children under 5 and I believed him. Don't get me wrong! They're adorable I know...

View attachment 72894

But they're here for one purpose....

View attachment 72895

They're here to replace you Archancu..Arcaniculay...Arcaniculayer. And they know it too. They'll act all cute and cuddly but don't you believe it for a second, they want you out of the picture. I've sat across from babies and caught them looking at me like "go ahead and eat that piece of pie, Uncle Ken. Clog up them arteries". They're out to kill you.

I whispered to this one once "I'm on to you, you little monster"....

View attachment 72896

Haha xD

well hopefully the kids that replace me will be superior to me.

rachelsedge · Feb 24, 2014

Another thing to keep in mind is the weight you are putting on this. When you do get a girlfriend...what then? Is she going to fix every feeling of longing and loneliness? Are you going to expect her to? If so, then that is a ton of pressure to put on someone else, unhealthy pressure for both you and her. It may not all be conscious pressure, but based off of what you've said, it sounds like it would be there.

ww_21 · Feb 24, 2014

On the bright side, and yes there is a bright side to this - you are saved from the emotional pain and heartache that comes with the end of a relationship. I know it sounds horrible, but trust me, nobody should never have to face THAT pain. If being single is the way to avoid it then I vote for being single.

Arcynaculr · Feb 24, 2014

Aerendyl said:

lol

I would probably not wanna know the answer to that question...

Arcynaculr · Feb 24, 2014

Devin said:

Maybe the depression would never leave. but it would probably be more bearable.

Arcynaculr · Feb 24, 2014

mystdancer50 said:

It is all about focus. If you are focused on the single thing, you will be miserable and it will be a hard, difficult and lonely time...and it will continue because your focus needs to change. Focus on God. He knows the desires of your heart and He has everything under control. Once you surrender to Him and let go, you will find joy in the waiting. It isn't that waiting is easier for some than for others. I have very minimal patience. It is about choosing to look to Christ instead of trying to ease loneliness and find contentment and love in a dating or marriage relationship. To find these things in Christ means you will be ready when that person comes along and your ultimate satisfaction, joy, and happiness will not depend on theirs or your circumstances.

My situation with god is... complicated. but thats another thread.

never had a gf. don't see much hope of ever getting one. any suggestions?

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