Advice about marriage and infidelity.

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soccermom19

Guest
#1
#1
I am a born again Christian. I believe that marriage should be till death do us part. Yet, after much prayer, I feel God is leading me toward separation or divorce. I am very conflicted. After the first time I discovered my husband's adultery, I prayed that God would help me through and let me know if I was not following what he would have me to do. After forgiving my husband, I prayed that if he ever strayed again that the Lord would let me know and I would know that was a sign to leave my husband. Well, my prayers were answered a year later, which was a few days ago. I discovered a bar receipt and a condom wrapper amongst the items my husband had emptied from his pockets about two weeks ago. It now seems clear that I should leave. So, why am I having such a hard time doing so? Why am I still unsure that it is the right thing? I don't want to question God.
I am not a confrontational person and my husband will not admit to this recent infidelity. Am I wrong? What should I do?
Please help. I need advice and support. We have been married for 17 years and have 3 children together.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#2
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
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#2
Is your husband a Christian if he is not, I would pack my bags, take the children and leave after repeated lies and infidelity.

If he is a Christian, then he needs help badly. See if he will go to marriage counselling, and confess, make restitution before you end the marriage.

Adultery is the one really clear reason for leaving a spouse, and this has happened more than once. It sounds like your husband is living 2 lives, and one is a terrible lie that will destroy him and your marriage.

Praying you find your way through this terrible trial.
 
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soccermom19

Guest
#3
#3
My husband claims to be a Christian. I don't believe he is. He does not attend church with my children and I. He thinks he can believe in God without going to church. He used to attend with us. I believe that if he were truly a Christian, he would have an uncontrollable desire to hear God's word.
He will not go to counseling. He won't even speak to me about it, except to say he didn't cheat this time.
The first time was with my brother's wife. Someone I trusted to care for my children. I have been so hurt. I moved past that incident and forgave him. Yet, now it is all coming back to hurt me again because of his recent dishonesty. I wonder how many other affairs there have been over our 17 year marriage.
I know he will never be honest with me. So, why is it so hard to tell him to pack up and leave?
 
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pastac

Guest
#4
#4
send a pm to me and I will share some tips from a bbiblical counseling position free sister
 
Agricola

Agricola

Senior Member
#5
Dec 10, 2012
2,638
88
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#5
Isn't that against the rules to request private chat?

It is difficult because change is scary, also you proberbly are still in love with your husband, that will make things even more difficult.

If God wants you to divorce him then do it. God removed my ex wife from my life after I questioned God about it.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#6
Feb 21, 2014
70,939
9,691
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#6
soccermom19 said:
I am a born again Christian. I believe that marriage should be till death do us part. Yet, after much prayer, I feel God is leading me toward separation or divorce. I am very conflicted. After the first time I discovered my husband's adultery, I prayed that God would help me through and let me know if I was not following what he would have me to do. After forgiving my husband, I prayed that if he ever strayed again that the Lord would let me know and I would know that was a sign to leave my husband. Well, my prayers were answered a year later, which was a few days ago. I discovered a bar receipt and a condom wrapper amongst the items my husband had emptied from his pockets about two weeks ago. It now seems clear that I should leave. So, why am I having such a hard time doing so? Why am I still unsure that it is the right thing? I don't want to question God.
I am not a confrontational person and my husband will not admit to this recent infidelity. Am I wrong? What should I do?
Please help. I need advice and support. We have been married for 17 years and have 3 children together.
Click to expand...
soccermom, if your husband has cheated on you, or still is, then you are NOT obligated under God's law to remain married to him. Adultery is the ONLY exception God grants for divorce. As someone who has been cheated on many times, once a person cheats, he or she remains a cheater. It's a type of addiction for them. If you found a condom wrapper, then thats an obvious sign its time to move on and kick his butt to the curb!! He made his bed of lies, now let him lay in it. If he cant be man enough to admit this infidelity to you, despite having concrete proof, then he's definitely not someone you should stay with. My advice is to leave this jerk and take your kids and move elsewhere and begin your life without him. He has made his decision to be unfaithful; your not obligated to stay with him any longer. And just in case he ever "forgot" to use protection, I would definitely get yourself tested for any STD's!!!! Dont put it off.
 
RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#7
Oct 31, 2011
8,200
182
0
#7
If you have sex with your husband, after he has had an affair, doesn't that mean that you also share in that? I thought it wasn't so much a matter of forgiving or not, but of keeping yourself clean.

If your husband truly goes to Christ to be cleaned, to turn from these ways, and you can trust him to be true to the Lord, that is different. Christ forgives, so could you. Christ can make him clean, can spiritually wipe the slate clean, he simply has to pay for the wrong he has done in how it will affect his life. That would mean that he lives a different kind of life from the moment he takes his sin to the Lord.
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#8
May 29, 2013
9,166
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#8
soccermom19 said:
I am a born again Christian. I believe that marriage should be till death do us part. Yet, after much prayer, I feel God is leading me toward separation or divorce. I am very conflicted. After the first time I discovered my husband's adultery, I prayed that God would help me through and let me know if I was not following what he would have me to do. After forgiving my husband, I prayed that if he ever strayed again that the Lord would let me know and I would know that was a sign to leave my husband.
Click to expand...
I think you ought to separate the issue of God letting you know about your husband cheating from a sign of your leaving your husband. What if God wanted to let you know, but didn't want you to leave. Did you leave that option out of your prayer?

Well, my prayers were answered a year later, which was a few days ago. I discovered a bar receipt and a condom wrapper amongst the items my husband had emptied from his pockets about two weeks ago.
Click to expand...
That sounds pretty incriminating. Did you look up the bar? Was it a strip club where illegal activities could take place? That's a lot different from a sports bar. Is there a chance your husband could have used the condom with you somewhere and left a wrapper in his pants a long time? Could he have done some kind of weird masturbation thing with a condom or used one in some kind of low-brow on some men he went out to work with at a bar? These scenarios are probably less likely, but I think you should at least ask your husband and confront him with your evidence.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#9
Apr 18, 2013
9,690
2,752
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#9
Soccermom19,
I'm always very sorry to hear people going through these things.

This would be a good time to talk to you pastor.
 
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Powemm

Guest
#10
#10
I can only share how God has helped me in these situations... I had to take a good good look at myself before God first.. and in my relationship with Him... talk about some ah ha moments.. I then have to look at how God has responded to me in them.. when His truth comes.... its always the same...."Now go and "do" all I have done for you... getting into agreement and into obedience to God about it is a whole other choice to make... it is no longer I that lives... but christ who is in me who lives
 
seekingg

seekingg

Senior Member
#11
Jul 13, 2012
152
2
18
#11
i have been in a devorce for 3 years. dsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsk lol i just fell asleep with my finger on the s and d keys.

anyhow there are many things much worse than your spouse cheating on you.

your job is to forgive.
i am not saying stay married i am saying forgive him and please god by doing so.
 
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Elisa

Guest
#12
#12
I think you are more conflicted about the feelings you have for him rather about whether to divorce him or not. It is evident that you love him. And love is a gift from God. However, I think you should be very open and direct with him about what you found that came out from his pockets. Do not let yourself be taken for a fool. Confront him and don't be so quick to forgive. Not unless you see a change however. We help those who wrong us to get on the right path by dealing justly with their deeds, not covering them and pretending they never happened. It's the same way God deals with us: He will chasten us to get us back on the right track. May God work in this situation! God bless!
 
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Powemm

Guest
#13
#13
I think of Hosea
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#14
Mar 13, 2014
42,722
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Tennessee
#14
Find a family member to back you up and then remove the jerk from your home. Infidelity is the worse thing that can happen in a marriage. Forgive him all you want but then forget about him. If he loved you he never would have cheated on you in the first place. Find a divorce lawyer immediately. God his stand quite clearly on marital infidelity. God be with you dear.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#15
Mar 13, 2014
42,722
17,183
113
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Tennessee
#15
What rule against private chat? Nothing wrong with good private council.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#16
Mar 13, 2014
42,722
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113
70
Tennessee
#16
Nothing is worse than being betrayed by a spouse. She does not have a job to do, that is what the man upstairs is for. Leave the jerk and do it now so that a degree of peace and tranquility can be restored for you and your children.
 
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hazelli

Guest
#18
#18
I came across an article about a serial adulterer, which is tricky to handle... it would be good to find out why he is cheating... because he is unhappy with your marriage? ... because he has straying eyes?.... is there someone in his family also doing the same thing that he thinks it's normal? To save yourself, it may be good to leave than stay in a doubtful relationship when every other day you'd wonder if he is cheating... If he says he's clean this time round, what was the wrapper doing in his wallet? Either get a private investigator to set your mind at ease, or go for marriage counselling. I forgave my husband 7 years ago and since then he hasn't seen another woman (that' is what I believe) but the price is that I have to give in to him all the time now as he is chauvinistic. it has been bad and recently as I am not working, he's gone become verbally abusively. I should have walked out back then if I had not felt God's conviction to get him back. Think hard, gather a few p
 
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hazelli

Guest
#19
#19
sorry, accidentally clicked post.

I'd like to add that it is imperative to gather a few godly close friends to pray with you and family through this ordeal. Get a private investigator to confirm your suspicions if he is not speaking the truth (which cheating man/woman would?) It is important to do the practical of getting the PI so that you know if he is cheating if you are clear that you will leave if he is cheating... cos the truth of a spouse who has been cheated on is that the memory and suspicion lives on if nothing is done. If he is willing go for marriage counselling with a trusted Christian counsellor whose values you agree with (I had two counsellors at that time, I am the only one who saw the counsellor, my husband didn't. And one of them gave me advise which I wasn't comfortable with and I mentioned it to other just to sound her out)... it would be tough to get on well in marriage if you do not sort this out now... remember that in divorce cases, there is a time limit to which you can use adultery as a basis (I think it's only about half a year).


Be honest with yourself about your relationship with him. Has it been good?

May the Lord grant you wisdom, courage and the resources to manage this situation with His Strength.

It would be painful and tough, but with your entourage of prayer warriors you will overcome this. Remember that your kids will also need counselling if you have decided to move out of this marriage.
 
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BeanieD

Guest
#20
#20
A husband has no buisness using condom with wife unless it is something they both agree on. Otherwise there is no reason for there to be one in his pockets.
 
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