Guys - can you give me advice?

[iraasuup]

Okay, so recently there have been a number of conversations or forum posts on the topic of 'modest dressing'.

I have a few questions, and I'm particularly seeking answers/advice from the guys, because I'm trying to work out if my husband is normal (well not really - but you'll understand when I explain lol). Although, girls feel free to post too (especially if you have been through similar- I wanna know how to fix it)!!

So here's the deal...

My husband is always wanting me to wear shorter/tighter clothes. We go shopping and he will pick out some ridiculously short mini skirt, or a low cut top.. and say 'hey that's cute, you should try this on'. He will complain to me that I am boring because I don't wear such things, and he openly makes comments about other girls who do (like about how he thinks they look good etc).

I have tried to explain to him how this makes me feel, and WHY I don't wish to wear such things, but he just doesn't get it. He just thinks I am boring. He has even told me, that I would be more attractive to him, or we would be intimate more often, if I did wear those things he likes.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've got not issue with 'bedroom attire' or wearing something little when we're at home together, but I absolutely will NOT wear it in public; and that's what gets me. If I had no convictions at all, and was happy to waltz through the supermarket in a string bikini, he would be fine. In fact, he would probably encourage it.

What I want to know is, is this normal? I mean as a Christian guy, shouldn't he value me more that that? Shouldn't he want me to be covered up in public? Should he not be concerned about other guys leering at me.. and the thoughts they might have (if I did wear those things in public)? Shouldn't he love me and find me attractive ALL the time, not just when I'm barely dressed?

I honestly don't understand it, and I don't know what to do. He thinks I am too boring, and makes me feel like I'm less attractive to him because I won't wear such things. This really bothers me. I sometimes feel like he just wants me to be his little barbie doll or something.

So, I'm asking what do you think I should do? Is there some other way I can make him realise WHY I don't want to wear those things; why they make me uncomfortable and, more importantly; how it makes me feel when he makes comments about me being boring or less attractive to him?

I should point out, I don't wear the things he wants me to. I wear what I am comfortable in, and am very concious of my attire. I just know that he wishes I would wear less, and the whole attitude of 'you'd turn me on more if you just wore less' really bugs me. I hear so many Christian guys talk about how the way girls dress impacts them, and how they wish girls would just cover up more, and yet he is the complete opposite.

I'm so confused. Any suggestions?

 

[UndRenovation]

Sounds like a hectic situation your in iraasuup and though im not married i actually think this isnt really about what you are or not wearing but more of some internal issue.You have your reasons for not wanting to dress or under dress in public and it sounds like you wont budge which is great but it sounds like he isnt budging as well so something has to happen.
I would encourage you both to sit down(as a married couple i assume this has already happend) and be really open with each other, pray about this particular issue and continue with some healthy growth promoting dialogue.We often just look at whats going on at the surface and often forget there are internal battles or deep wrong thought patterns going on so lay it all out on the table-why you feel so strong about not dressing in a certian way in public, why he wants you to wear the kind of stuff but as i said this surface stuff is certianly not what is driving him or what drives you so i would say asking god to reveal or to bring to the surface the real issues is the most important thing.
I would say lotsa blokes whether christian or not like gals in the kinda clothes he is suggesting that you wear but from my perspective the reasons/motives are not always so healthy and can often lead to one thing-Lust
Keep talking to your husband and god about this issue as it sounds like your really struggling with it-same with your husband.
God maybe even bringing this stuff up for a purpsose so be patient as well as his watch has the perfect timing when it comes to our growth as his children.
peace out

 

[Sharp]

That doesn't sound right at all.

Point out to him the parts in the bible that tell women to dress modestly.

Also, ask him how he would feel about going out in public with no pants on.

 

[iraasuup]

That doesn't sound right at all.

Point out to him the parts in the bible that tell women to dress modestly.

Also, ask him how he would feel about going out in public with no pants on.

LOL.. hmm I wonder how he would respond to that question?


Thanks for the responses guys

 

[shad]

In the world some guys want their wives to be a showcase and I understand that. There is a difference between showcasing your wife's inner beauty and her outer beauty. Many women can dress modestly and be very beautiful outwardly. Other women have to dress outwardly to be accepted because of the insecurity they have within. That is not an issue in your case because you seem to be a very secure woman that wants to please her husband in every way.

Please take this with a grain of salt. If you decided to make any changes in how you dress when you are with your husband, my suggestion would be to find out what part of you is most attractive to him and accentuate that modestly without compromising your conviction or feeling uncomfortable in public. Do it without telling him because he will notice and appreciate your effort without judging your motive. That would not be sin or a compromise of your convictions. He would see that as being more attractive to only him and no one else. Your inner beauty speaks for itself and he already loves that about you.

 

[oopsies]

irasuup, I would never want that for my wife!

That doesn't sound right at all.

Point out to him the parts in the bible that tell women to dress modestly.

Also, ask him how he would feel about going out in public with no pants on.

May I also suggest taking a Bible and smack him over the head with it. Alright, that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea!

 

[RoguePreacher]

ok what you need to understand is men are very visual. What he is asking is inappropriate but it is also patently male. I would continue to stand strong about modesty in public but incourage him to help select playful intimate attire as a couple. Its ok to be adventurous with each other but as with all things there is a proper time and place. Also you might try putting him on the spot a few times. Think like a man and set out clothes for him to wear in public than act as he acts. When he bend to pick up something give him a whistle or some silly endearment that makes love so much fun. The idea is to put the shoe on the other foot and objectify him just a little and then talk about it.

You will find that its mostly being playful and a rather silly attempt for him to tell you how beautiful you are to him. Sometimes what we think is sweet is just annoying to our wives. Its not a lack of effort but a lack of practical application.

 

[concernedguy]

Okay, so recently there have been a number of conversations or forum posts on the topic of 'modest dressing'.

I have a few questions, and I'm particularly seeking answers/advice from the guys, because I'm trying to work out if my husband is normal (well not really - but you'll understand when I explain lol). Although, girls feel free to post too (especially if you have been through similar- I wanna know how to fix it)!!

So here's the deal...

My husband is always wanting me to wear shorter/tighter clothes. We go shopping and he will pick out some ridiculously short mini skirt, or a low cut top.. and say 'hey that's cute, you should try this on'. He will complain to me that I am boring because I don't wear such things, and he openly makes comments about other girls who do (like about how he thinks they look good etc).

I have tried to explain to him how this makes me feel, and WHY I don't wish to wear such things, but he just doesn't get it. He just thinks I am boring. He has even told me, that I would be more attractive to him, or we would be intimate more often, if I did wear those things he likes.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've got not issue with 'bedroom attire' or wearing something little when we're at home together, but I absolutely will NOT wear it in public; and that's what gets me. If I had no convictions at all, and was happy to waltz through the supermarket in a string bikini, he would be fine. In fact, he would probably encourage it.

What I want to know is, is this normal? I mean as a Christian guy, shouldn't he value me more that that? Shouldn't he want me to be covered up in public? Should he not be concerned about other guys leering at me.. and the thoughts they might have (if I did wear those things in public)? Shouldn't he love me and find me attractive ALL the time, not just when I'm barely dressed?

I honestly don't understand it, and I don't know what to do. He thinks I am too boring, and makes me feel like I'm less attractive to him because I won't wear such things. This really bothers me. I sometimes feel like he just wants me to be his little barbie doll or something.

So, I'm asking what do you think I should do? Is there some other way I can make him realise WHY I don't want to wear those things; why they make me uncomfortable and, more importantly; how it makes me feel when he makes comments about me being boring or less attractive to him?

I should point out, I don't wear the things he wants me to. I wear what I am comfortable in, and am very concious of my attire. I just know that he wishes I would wear less, and the whole attitude of 'you'd turn me on more if you just wore less' really bugs me. I hear so many Christian guys talk about how the way girls dress impacts them, and how they wish girls would just cover up more, and yet he is the complete opposite.

I'm so confused. Any suggestions?

This is not a delicate subject as many would say it is.

This is an outright attack by your husband on both you, your beliefs and a statement that the clothes
you wear are a primary basis of your relationship.

I would never want my wife to show off in public. It can be inviting trouble.

His attitude is completely of the devil and this world. So much so, he doesn't even care if you are
belittled as long as his wants are net.

I would tell him that you are tired of feeling put down by his comments and belittled because you will not
uphold his immoral standards. If this is a problem for him, he needs to deal with it but at the very least
respect you enough to not voice his opinions. It is disrespectful for him to want you to be a sex object just so he can feel better or feel better about you as seems to be the case.

You might also try dressing the way he wants or very skimpy when its just the two of you at home and
see if this will relieve some of his desires.

This is a clear case of disrespect. You should not be reduced from his respected wife to a sex trophy.
From what you have stated, he seems to prefer a sex trophy to a respected wife.

It's ok for him to voice his opinion in a respectful way once or twice. But not to continue to repeat it
over and over knowing it bothers you. If he loves you, he will want you to be happy and will place
your desires above his. If he is self absorbed, he won't care how you feel. All that matters is what
he thinks or wants.

As a start, you should point out that you have heard his point of view and you disagree with it. But
that he is to no longer comment to you about this. You have a right to dress as you see fit without
being harassed by him. Yes, if he repeatedly repeats something he knows bothers you, it is
harassment. If he can't respect you enough to not belittle you, then he needs to go outside or you
will walk away from him each time he does it.
If he still won't stop, then I would suggest "timed periods". Start with a specific amount of time such
as 30 minutes. The time isn't as important as the fact that no one likes to have their privileges
restricted. Yes, you may need to treat him like the child he is acting like.
During this 30 minutes, you will not speak to him nor is he allowed to speak to you. If he tries, you will
leave for 30 minutes.
This establishes boundaries. And he sounds like he has none.

Each time he comments, increase the time by 10 minutes. Understand, the time is not the most
important. It is restricting his access to you which he may feel you have no right to do. But by
doing so, it states you are his wife and not his sex trophy. You are a person and not a sex doll.

It may seem like it won't work. Like most people, this restriction has not been there before so he may
test you to see your resolve. It will work because he will get tired of you responding negatively (by
not talking to him or leaving if he tries to talk to you) and start to change if he cares about you.

If you use this concept, the main thing is once he comments, you go into "I can't talk" mode for the
period of time you have reached. He must understand and know you will not tolerate his comments.
Until he understands this and has reached a mindset that he will now take your concerns into
consideration, you should continue till he gets the point.
After all, if he can belittle you about closes, why does you not talking to him make him feel belittled?
(It will because you are over riding his authority in his eyes and restricting his access to you which
has never happened)

However you do it, you need to drive home to him his comments are unacceptable and you will not
allow someone that supposedly loves you to hurt you on a regular basis while you get hurt and struggle
to understand things that are not your problem. He can be as immoral as he feels he needs to be as
long as he respects you and doesn't do it around you.

Its not open for discussion. Respect is a requirement.

By the way, based on your post, is he going to get rid of you in a few years and get a younger
model? Just wondering since as we get older, things change.

 

[jcspartan]

I am new to the site and saw your question. Some of the responses have clearly stated good points.
I have worked about 20 years in mostly male industries--timber cutting and the military. After listening to 1000s of men talk without women around day in and day out I can tell you what is being asked of you is not based in respect and will not invite pure thoughts in other men beside your husband. At best it will be a dstraction to men committed to keeping their own thoughts pure. At worst, it will invite all sorts of thoughts in other men that are anything but pure.

Song of Songs is very clear there is a lot to admire in the physical beauty of a husband or wife. There is joy to be taken in the physical and visual but it is for the marriage not the rest of the world. You are your husbands treasure to be charished and protected not to be exposed to other men. Hope that helps. It is tough to be pressured by someone you love.

 

[songster]

Hello Ira,


Some men are hunters by nature, in other words they pursue until they win the prize, but after they win the prize they want to show it off a little. There is a feeling a man gets when walking beside a lovely woman. We are sometimes insensitive to the fact that what we have won, is considerably more than just a pretty thing, but a wife, a companion, a partner, someone with whom we share our most intimate moments.

I believe the bible says it best in I Corinthians 7:4, The body of the wife belongs to her husband, and in the same way, a husband doesn't have authority over his own body, but his wife does...

In the privacy of your home and on casual days , a wife should feel free to be as attractive, and even as sexy, as she feels comfortable being, for her husband's sake, but there is little benefit, in public, apart from a little pride felt by the accompanying husband, that contributes to the relationship in a positive way. As women, you are certainly prizes for whoever wins your hand, but the concepts of flaunting and teasing are not consistent with the lives of women who are ready to be used by God on a moments notice.

I believe you're exercising sound wisdom in wearing modest apparel in public. It was once said that a wife is a present that should only be unwrapped by her husband. Being married, certainly doesn't give license to Christian women, to begin to play 'peek a boo' with their wardrobe, simply because they're spoken for, or married.

There is a big difference between the husbands who view their wives as a gifts, and those who view them as trophies. Your intellect, your dreams, your character, and your love for God are also of great value.

Proverbs 31:10

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. ... An
excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. ...

 

[kevineurope]

Where were you all my life...You sound like you are a very special women and you husband is a very lucky guy...i hope he knows that...
I thing the problem is at him... he is in a danger of lust, of flirting, he is wathing other womens...he has personal isues and is not you problem it's his and he has to see his situation ans ask God's help.
But you are his wife and becouse you love him, you can help him.
For him please for a wile dress as he ask you...make a sacrifice...i think he wants guy to say he is so lucky, but he doesen't know how lucky he is...the beauty of a women is how she is at home...
There is some danger in all this... if you will dress sexy outside of home and recieve a lots of compliments from other guys, you will recieve a great confidence in yourselv and you will not depend on your husban compliments ( sometimes you wount feel anything from your husban compliments because other guys compliments are more powerful...because they are now and you are used with your husban...this is a law of nature).
And you husban will se all this chance and he will blame you for what you becamed... and from here will start a lot of fights...
Maybe i exagerated a little bit..but it could happen...
I thing we should be happy with our spouses...to make them feel good about themself...
Bottomline is that he should be happy with you, becouse you are every christian husban dream. you can dress supper sexy at home and tell your husban that this is just for him and you don't want anyone else to sher with him...this is a real blessing!!! isn't this true GUYS?
God bless you!

 

[iraasuup]

Thanks for all the replies guys.

I think the general concensus of opinion is that I stick to my convictions (well at least in public).

Thanks that's encouraging!

 

[Matthew]

I should point out, I don't wear the things he wants me to. I wear what I am comfortable in, and am very concious of my attire. I just know that he wishes I would wear less, and the whole attitude of 'you'd turn me on more if you just wore less' really bugs me. I hear so many Christian guys talk about how the way girls dress impacts them, and how they wish girls would just cover up more, and yet he is the complete opposite.

I think you are on the right tracks, as long as you are comfortable and feel you are dressing in line with your own values then you should not change to conform to what your husband, or anyone else would like, if you did dress how he would like you would probably feel more uncomfortable and self-concious and that would likely damage your confidence, you have identified what is right for you in terms of clothing so stay with it, only change your clothing habits for yourself, not for others.

That said I do think to a point it is just a normal response for a man, I'll admit that there is good feeling that comes from being next to a beautiful woman and that is part of human nature, probably more so in men, I always felt it's a sign of maturity when a man has come to terms with the fact that the beauty that matters is on the inside not the outside, but on a more primal level we men like to feel like that we are the envy of other men, so in that sense it is a compliment to you, he is proud of your physical beauty and would like to see you show it.

I can't really understand why your clothing would make you boring to him or less physically attractive, clothes don't make the woman at the end of the day, but that must be really hard to hear.

I think you are correct in your views on this and think it's great you aren't bowing to the pressure, there's too much in society at large without getting it from your spouse as well, I'd say stand your ground and just keep trying to help him understand, and hopefully he'll see your strength is one more kind of beauty that clothes can't cover up or expose, it's always there.

 

[grace]

In the world some guys want their wives to be a showcase and I understand that. There is a difference between showcasing your wife's inner beauty and her outer beauty. Many women can dress modestly and be very beautiful outwardly. Other women have to dress outwardly to be accepted because of the insecurity they have within. That is not an issue in your case because you seem to be a very secure woman that wants to please her husband in every way.

Please take this with a grain of salt. If you decided to make any changes in how you dress when you are with your husband, my suggestion would be to find out what part of you is most attractive to him and accentuate that modestly without compromising your conviction or feeling uncomfortable in public. Do it without telling him because he will notice and appreciate your effort without judging your motive. That would not be sin or a compromise of your convictions. He would see that as being more attractive to only him and no one else. Your inner beauty speaks for itself and he already loves that about you.

Fantastic reply!!! Especially the second paragraph.

 

[iraasuup]

Thanks guys.

There have been some great replies. I have been battling with this for ages now; caught between wanting to please my husband and wanting to please God.

Thanks, your comments have been very helpful!

I really appreciate it

 

[ChristopherMichael]

My husband is always wanting me to wear shorter/tighter clothes.

Yeah, I have to agree with the other guys on here in saying that's a bit wierd. I understand wanting other guys to find your wife attractive, cause you know you never want to be the guy who's pitied for having the homely wife. That's different though than asking her to start putting her wares out for sale, if you know what I mean.

Is he just asking you to dress more cute and attractive, or more lustfully? I think there's a different between the two. You said you like to dress comfortably, which usually means unattractive in guy speak. Maybe he just wants you to put some more effort into your appearance? Perhaps if you tried a cuter or nicer outfit, that would do the job?

I agree with the other guys though that you shouldn't give in and dress up all trashy though. That's just not cool.

God bless you,
- Topher

 

[iwant2serve]

This stims from one or two things that he needs deliverence from. One being pride. This will boost his ego to know other guys are lusting over you but cant have you. Its the look what I got attitude Two is another deeper issue lust in the heart. I bet he is fighting the spirit of lust when he sees other women dressed like that, so to keep him from lusting after them he would rather do it to you. Ira your battle is not fleshly it demonic. Pray that God delivers him from the spirit of lust. If I were you I would even tone down the dress at home for a while and deal with that issue. But not to tonned down where the enemy pushes him outside your marriage.

 

[Kiel]

Iraasuup Just Asking Sister Before I Make A Comment, Has Things Been So For Awhile?

 

[oopsies]

Yea, what happened iraasup? Did he stop? Are things ok?

 

[Liam]

I made a promise that when I joined this board ibwould always be myself and honest... So....

Wear what makes you comfortable, your husband shouldn't be looking at other women. He sounds like a tool.

And now before i am beaten by the bubbily bride.... -runs-