Reality is a real mindf***! (<---censored by me,but just so you get the intensity I am trying to convey)
I hate coming to grips with the truth that there's something I can never have.
I've looked at every angle...every scenario...every insane possibility,and the ending is always the same. It just ain't gonna happen.
I am srsly thinking happiness is not in my future. I know all the cliche' biblical thing's. I hear them over & over in my head,but much of the time those thing's are like a broken record & I find no real comfort in them.
With yet another holiday approaching,it just reminds me of how I am alone. How I'm not good enough,or misunderstood,or how even when I was married I was an outcast even to my wife. Her & I barely celebrated any holidays & the one we did (Christmas) always turned into sorrow by the evening of the 25th and then all day on the 26th due to American's not celebrating Boxing Day. Nothing is/was/or ever will be good enough...for anyone,as long as I am in the equation.
I think after 43 yrs of life,it's really starting to sink in. I never wanted anyone's sympathy or pity,I just wanted to belong in a sense...have someone who loved me as much as I did them,and share a life together. What I thought I had left me. That was fine. So be it. Then to have something ripped from you,dangled in front of you knowing it will always be out of reach,yet painfully there in view til you sever all ties from it...walk away...give up,and live with that emptiness just plain sucks!
Life isn't fair. I'm not that much of an idiot not to realize this. I guess I'm just tired of clinging to hope. I think I've fooled myself long enough.
But no one should have the responsibility of being your hope. That is completely unfair. You identity is not in your relationship status, or whether or not you are living society's expectations, your identity rests in the fact you are the son of the Most High God.
Psalm 42:5 'Why so downcast, O my soul? and why are you disturbed within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance."
If biblical based teachings and 'clichés' you speak of are not moving your faith or your heart, then you better check your heart status and ask why it is so hardened. You're dwelling and sinking in your own idea of loneliness and yet completely slapping God in the face at the same time. Did He not sake he'd never leave you nor forsake you? Submit and LISTEN to what He says in the Word, take it in like food, like the air you breathe. Believe and rely on that it has weight and is truth.
The best moments of my life, the best opportunities for growth was when I felt like I had lost everything I had, I was completely wrecked, broken, cast away and forgotten, and in THAT moment, I understood and came to know of God's true nature, beauty, mercy and loving-kindness when I finally cried out to Him wit everything I had.
I may be young, I may be a woman, but I am giving it to you hard because although you may be some random across the other side of the world, I need you to be operating at full capacity for His Kingdom and His glory. Take you eyes off your feet and the waves, LOOK UP. All you have ever wanted and needed is in Him, so turn to Him like a child, LET HIM bear your burdens, let yourself be completely broken so He can make something beautiful out of the debris.
If Our God can do such a work in me, I am believing, I am praying and I am declaring, He can do it in you. I encourage you, Tore, let this be a victory, not your own personal defeat. Let this season be a testimony for the future, for God's glory.
I know how depression can numb and break apart a person's soul, so I say don't let it be the overcomer, walk in victory, shout aloud and speak over this, draw to the Lord and be part of the generation that overcomes, a generation that walks in boldness, courage and in love. You may be far away, but I need you, we all need you, are we not part of one body?
Like I said to someone else, and for all others, let's end this race well.
(I'm probably assuming a lot of things, I know, I get worked up)