An ungodly Marriage: joined through sin, not by God. Is it valid, is it adultary?

[MyPottersClay]

Im really trying to understand my present state. Six years ago, two ungodly people made a trade. I because of lust and an attachment married a woman in survival mode looking for security decided to get married and make the trade official. Justice of the piece gave us a paper and all. The last thing in my mind was conferring with Jesus because I made all my decisions. Yes we recited the vows as is customary. Fast forward six months later, I surrendered the mess I made and my life to the Lord. I left the old self behind me and reborn to who I am today. I am saved and she is not. Unfortunatly her nature is as destructive as the day we married and we are now at the point it I don't even feel sorry for her anymore. she "sounds" like a Christian but her actions I detest, and unfaithful in many regards(no adultery that I know of). she is everything I left behind and the only thing left in my life that is ungodly. If I leave this behind based on the premise stated in the beginning some say its a sin. however if/when I bed her im in my eyes sleeping with an ungodly who I don't even respect anymore and therefore feel like im committing adultery.
The three questions I pose are this:
1) is the marriage really a marriage under God?
2) is it a sin to leave for the unfaithfulness?
3) is it a sin to sleep with this woman?
We are 1 month separated by my choice.

 

[tourist]

Im really trying to understand my present state. Six years ago, two ungodly people made a trade. I because of lust and an attachment married a woman in survival mode looking for security decided to get married and make the trade official. Justice of the piece gave us a paper and all. The last thing in my mind was conferring with Jesus because I made all my decisions. Yes we recited the vows as is customary. Fast forward six months later, I surrendered the mess I made and my life to the Lord. I left the old self behind me and reborn to who I am today. I am saved and she is not. Unfortunatly her nature is as destructive as the day we married and we are now at the point it I don't even feel sorry for her anymore. she "sounds" like a Christian but her actions I detest, and unfaithful in many regards(no adultery that I know of). she is everything I left behind and the only thing left in my life that is ungodly. If I leave this behind based on the premise stated in the beginning some say its a sin. however if/when I bed her im in my eyes sleeping with an ungodly who I don't even respect anymore and therefore feel like im committing adultery.
The three questions I pose are this:
1) is the marriage really a marriage under God?
2) is it a sin to leave for the unfaithfulness?
3) is it a sin to sleep with this woman?
We are 1 month separated by my choice.

I believe that this marriage is invalid in the eyes of God as He did not play a role in the creation of the vows. It is no sin to leave for the adultery of unfaithfulness but this is not true in your case. She is your wife and needs your love and understanding as well as physical intimacy. This sounds like a very unhappy marriage but also one that God can restore and be made new if you both allow for this. At that point He will join the two of you together. Actions have consequences and it looks to me as you have already made your bed. You have been reborn but you appear to be in the early stages of development. Based on what you have wrote I believe that it would be a poor choice to leave this woman who is now your wife as it sounds as if she is in a very lonely place and needs all the love and understanding of God that you allow to flow through you onto her. If I were you I would go to her and give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her that you are sorry.

 

[jogoldie]

I think I have to agree with tourist.....there doesnt appear to be to much damage that you and your wife cant come pass..
Dont you remember how you felt before you accepted Christ.....Once you help her to see the light and let God do the rest
she will soon see His way and then and only then can she change...she is thinking with her natural self.....since you
are starting to maneuver in the spirit... the mans ways seem ridiculous to you now.....you are the spiritual leader of your family...soon she
will like the change in you...guide her...dont give up until God says to give up.....once she sees the light I think the attraction
will return....Show her Gods love...live it......she will follow.....and if she doesnt....and God says to part....then reevaluate the
situation.....use this time to strengthen your spiritual mucles....
Practice using your weapons of spiritual warfare....
Fight the good fight......you are the son of the most high God.....claim your inheritance....

 

[AmberGardner]

..........

1 Corinthians 7:12 Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13 And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14 For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. 15 (But if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) 16 Don't you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don't you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? 17 Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches. 18 For instance, a man who was circumcised before he became a believer should not try to reverse it. And the man who was uncircumcised when he became a believer should not be circumcised now. 19 For it makes no difference whether or not a man has been circumcised. The important thing is to keep God's commandments. 20 Yes, each of you should remain as you were when God called you.

 

[MyPottersClay]

Ive spared yall the details so I don't sound as though im bashing her and I see the compassion you are extending so I ask this...
These are the facts of my household. its just the two of us in the house...We have to keep separate accounts becuz she will empty the account to zero, quickly. anyone who will give her credit its maxed and spent w/o any purchases. I work overseas for months at a time and have to prewrite checks and give her a weekly "draw" for food and necessities. two days later she tells me she has no toilet paper of dog food... Cant tell her no.?..she came to me in novenber with collection agencies want 18000. I paid it off and said she had to "promise on our marriage that you wont borrow another $" yes she said. went overseas for three months, came back she had a new 13000 in debt. and pawned Christmas presents she got before I left.... I forgave her again and said this time I will handle her work money. she refused. This is when I called for a separation. This has been going on for six years. the lying, stealing, coverup, and me bailing her out. ... counseling??? went see a priest and a doctor (I wanted to see if she was bipolar) in both cases we walked out with her mad that I turned the table on her to make her look bad...after I told her separation (hoping to see if the marriage meant more to her than whatever addiction she had) she told me it was drugs. a few hours later she retracted the statement because she was hoping I would feel sorry for her...She doesn't take me seriously, our marriage seriously, God seriously. Im not the one leaving the marriage cuz im the only one in it....
In closing, the lifestyle of drugs and destruction was our old life. This I told her after the 18000 payoff, "We are the couple running from the burning city, we are running from the life of destruction, the Lord said run from the city and don't look back, if either of us turns to our old ways we will end up like the woman who disobeyed and looked back and the Lord turned her to a pillar of salt" she understood the story. she looked back. now she is a pillar of salt.

 

[MyPottersClay]

..........

I understand COR 7:12. Of coarse she will want to stay its an free ride w/o any responsibility or accountability. God said don't give what is sacred to swine less it to be trampled. ive been a Christian husband and gave her Godly love and it has been trampled. Im not married, it takes 2 to be married. My Christian life and values didn't move the needle.

 

[Sirk]

It sounds like you have made up your mind and are fishing for someone to agree with you to absolve your conscience.
another aspect of this is that you violated her by having premarital sex with her. Have you asked for her forgiveness?

 

[MyPottersClay]

I believe you are correct. I stayed neutral even after I asked for the separation. Normally guilt or a feeling of error will cause me to step back as I succumb to His guidance and redirection. This wasn't the case this time. Im only wondering why this movement seems contrary to popular opinion. When one has extra time after completing a test he wants look over his answers to be sure he is cool with what he is about to turn in. This thread has given me more thought through other angles but not to the point im willing to change my answer. Trusting He will fill my core with Himself is all I call on His guidance is all I have. What else can a man go on. If Jesus said run through that brick wall, ultimately I have to start running and trust He will make a hole.

 

[paulsfam4]

Jesus loves your wife just as much as he loves you. Its a road you put your self on and now you are on that road with Jesus you need to love and forgive your wife daily just as Jesus does us..

 

[ThomistColin]

Im really trying to understand my present state. Six years ago, two ungodly people made a trade. I because of lust and an attachment married a woman in survival mode looking for security decided to get married and make the trade official. Justice of the piece gave us a paper and all. The last thing in my mind was conferring with Jesus because I made all my decisions. Yes we recited the vows as is customary. Fast forward six months later, I surrendered the mess I made and my life to the Lord. I left the old self behind me and reborn to who I am today. I am saved and she is not. Unfortunatly her nature is as destructive as the day we married and we are now at the point it I don't even feel sorry for her anymore. she "sounds" like a Christian but her actions I detest, and unfaithful in many regards(no adultery that I know of). she is everything I left behind and the only thing left in my life that is ungodly. If I leave this behind based on the premise stated in the beginning some say its a sin. however if/when I bed her im in my eyes sleeping with an ungodly who I don't even respect anymore and therefore feel like im committing adultery.
The three questions I pose are this:
1) is the marriage really a marriage under God?
2) is it a sin to leave for the unfaithfulness?
3) is it a sin to sleep with this woman?
We are 1 month separated by my choice.

1. Yes, you are married. You chose the woman, and God expects you to acknowledge the covenant you entered into. It's not a contract, you gave yourself to her and her to you, whether you acknowledged it at the time or not.
2. There has been no adultery, and therefore no dissolution of the covenant.
3. Yes and no. Yes if you're doing it because you want to be sexually satisfied. No, if it's what she requests. Scripture says not to deny your wife.

 

[brokenclay]

MyPottersClay. Its easy to follow Jesus in the bible. But impossible to follow Him while he is living in you. Its not all completely your fault or your wife's. God is also working in you to burn off the old nature. So he promises that a broken and contrite heart he will not turn away. It takes great patience to wait out the storm of another person's life. You had a storm in your life. God was patient and longsuffering for you and his desire was that you would not perish. Jesus proved he could overcome the world and he did. You in Christ will overcome this woman. Her outward nature will be tumultuous; possibly for some years to come. Satan will buffet you and test you. This is where you will meet Christ and will experience how faithful God is. So dig your spiritual heels in that bible and prayer life. Latch on to some faithful brothers in Christ. Suffer your wife to come unto Jesus. Easier said than done; but Christ drew me through the worst 12 years of my life. Its all a faded memore and my marriage is sweet. All to Jesus I surrender; all to Him I owe. God bless you brother. Christ will not let you fail. Amen!

 

[Nice_Lady]

You are so rude. That person is adopted by God. When you are adopted you all debt and all sins are forgiven. You are now another person with another family name (God is your father now). So Jesustold us to deny ourself which means the separation is necessary - Leave parents, relatives, children. Of course God was who said "get rid of your pagan wifes and the children they bore!" You remember? No pity for the unbeliever please. About the love - God loves every one but as we should love everyone we love our family most - arent we? So the same God love his family member with more deep love. There is no law "Do not divorce" - so.. and also this woman is devil himself i think she belongs elsewhere

 

[isoneedahug]

If you dump her, and she never gets saved, because it makes her sink for good, how will you feel in heaven knowing she's burning in hell for eternity and you could have made it all different if you had just given this present (not permanent) situation a little bit more patience? Every action has consequences.

 

[Nice_Lady]

I dont agree, isoneedahug. Its sounds as if you are telling the Israelities to come back to Egipt for may be Egipt can be saved. The dead do not hear even if you tell them every day about Christ.

 

[Simona25]

MyPottersClay,

You are in a tough situation. May God fill you with wisdom!

 

[prodigal]

many have been in same situation, , scripture is fairly clear and has been laid out for you. its your personal choice if you want to live by the word of god or not, Thats freewill. sorry to say but i would, man up. lay some biblical foundation rules down and if she doesn't like it then she's free to leave and you will no longer be tied to the relationship.

But if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.


this advice was given to me once and i gained my freedom whilst remaining in Gods word

 

[Simona25]

many have been in same situation, , scripture is fairly clear and has been laid out for you. its your personal choice if you want to live by the word of god or not, Thats freewill. sorry to say but i would, man up. lay some biblical foundation rules down and if she doesn't like it then she's free to leave and you will no longer be tied to the relationship.

But if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.

The problem is that he wants to leave, not her...

 

[prodigal]

The problem is that he wants to leave, not her...

i know sister its not easy, i been there myself, but no one wants to hear hard words but the fact remains the same, you made your bed now you have to lay in it. it would be wrong of me to advise anything else. But whatever he chooses, know this, Gods always has his arms open wide, and whatever we do that will never change.

 

[Billyd]

Im really trying to understand my present state. Six years ago, two ungodly people made a trade. I because of lust and an attachment married a woman in survival mode looking for security decided to get married and make the trade official. Justice of the piece gave us a paper and all. The last thing in my mind was conferring with Jesus because I made all my decisions. Yes we recited the vows as is customary. Fast forward six months later, I surrendered the mess I made and my life to the Lord. I left the old self behind me and reborn to who I am today. I am saved and she is not. Unfortunatly her nature is as destructive as the day we married and we are now at the point it I don't even feel sorry for her anymore. she "sounds" like a Christian but her actions I detest, and unfaithful in many regards(no adultery that I know of). she is everything I left behind and the only thing left in my life that is ungodly. If I leave this behind based on the premise stated in the beginning some say its a sin. however if/when I bed her im in my eyes sleeping with an ungodly who I don't even respect anymore and therefore feel like im committing adultery.
The three questions I pose are this:
1) is the marriage really a marriage under God?
2) is it a sin to leave for the unfaithfulness?
3) is it a sin to sleep with this woman?
We are 1 month separated by my choice.

I will answer your question directly. Yes, yes, and no.

My Christian wife of over fifty years, has no concept of money management. If she sees something that she wants, and there is money in the checking account, she buys it. If it's not in the checking account, and if she has a credit card, she will use it. During the first years of our marriage it led to some difficult financial times and a few rough moments, especially when I was away from home (sometimes as long as 9 months). We resolved our problem when we went on a two week Christian Couples retreat. During that time we renewed our vows to each other and to Christ. One evening during that retreat, our study group was discussing Ephesians 5. We realized that what Paul was saying was that I was the Head, and that She was the Heart and that together we made one Person in Christ, and when we weren't working together, we were failing our relationship and Christ.


In Philippians 4:13 Paul tells us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. I honestly believe that He will get you through this desperate time. May God heal your wounds, and renew your relationship.
Billyd

 

[Ariel82]

In the Old testament God asked His prophet

to go and marry someone who was a harlot as a symbol of Israel's relationship with God. To show how they strayed from Him. God didn't give up on His bride. Perhaps He doesn't want you to give up on yours?

I would second the advice to set ground rules and be firm about it. Is there any way you could pay the bills without ever putting money in her hands? Do you have family who would be willing to take care of it?

it sounds like she has a serious problem, whether it be drugs or greed. She really needs counseling for her addictions and some financial stewardship workshops to learn some self control.

Have you tried marriage counseling?

I would advise trying your best to make the marriage work and seeing if she changes or if she gets fed up and decides to leave.

what would happen if you didn't pay the collections agency? would it help prevent her from getting more credit cards?