She's my mother

[tmulc5]

I don't know where to start but there is too much to type so I'll make it simple and likely elaborate later. I don't like my mother, who she is, her behavior, how she treats everyone...her family, friends, strangers, my children. She's not genuine, shes constantly putting on a show, for attention. We lived a long distance away for years and now just minutes away and since we geographically are closer, it's so much worse. I find it hard to feel love anymore. I feel obligation. I feel like a horrible person saying this. Despite talks and truths, there is no effort on her part to try and change. I do feel it's hopeless but still feel sometimes that I should try harder. I really don't like feeling this cold, uncaring turned off in my heart for her but do I just have to accept her behavior and grit my teeth through it?

 

[Ugly]

For the most part, yes, you have to accept her behavior. You can't make people change. If they don't want to change, they won't. Change happens when people recognize the negative repercussions of their behavior, either against others, or themselves. And that they are bothered by this revelation. Without those two requirements in place, change can't take place. And even then a person may feel their pride, their front or whatever else it is, is more important than the negatives it brings about.

I know it's your mom, and it's just natural to want to love her, and feel close to her, but some people will just never be able to have that with their parent. The question now is, is maintaining a loveless relationship with the mother you don't like more important, or is ensuring you and your children, are not treated poorly by a woman who is more concerned with herself than anyone else?

 

[Sirk]

Sometimes people just have no concept that their actions can be hurtful. It's easier to live in denial than to face ones demons.

 

[Sirk]

After my divorce from my ex wife she decided that she would take over my mom and sister. She was so cruel to me and would keep my son from me. I spent 2 years in court battling this very vindictive woman trying to protect my relationship with my then 2 year old son. When she final gave up on alienating me from my son she started in on my family. They bought into her manipulations and now they have all the major holidays together, birthdays and go camping together. They are one big happy family. My ex makes sure to pick up my mom to take her to my sons events and rubs it in my face every chance she gets. It sucks and it still hurts sometimes to be kicked to the curb by ones own family but some people are just blind that their actions can be hurtful and others are proud to be hurtful. In both cases, God tells us that we must guard our hearts. Guard your heart and it will eventually heal. Mine still hurts sometimes but it's getting better.

 

[MyPottersClay]

I actually believe you don't have to accept it. although you have to respect her you don't have to accept her behavior. If you are a Christian and she is not, help her to make her self aware of herself (respectfully). Instead of pointing out her flaws tell her why your faith is causing you to do something a certain way. Be more "lighthouse" less "fog horn". You will be surprised how bright your light can shine. Besides God has a purpose for your life and may be seasoning you for something greater and more challenging down the road. GB

 

[MyPottersClay]

After my divorce from my ex wife she decided that she would take over my mom and sister. She was so cruel to me and would keep my son from me. I spent 2 years in court battling this very vindictive woman trying to protect my relationship with my then 2 year old son. When she final gave up on alienating me from my son she started in on my family. They bought into her manipulations and now they have all the major holidays together, birthdays and go camping together. They are one big happy family. My ex makes sure to pick up my mom to take her to my sons events and rubs it in my face every chance she gets. It sucks and it still hurts sometimes to be kicked to the curb by ones own family but some people are just blind that their actions can be hurtful and others are proud to be hurtful. In both cases, God tells us that we must guard our hearts. Guard your heart and it will eventually heal. Mine still hurts sometimes but it's getting better.

Wow Sirk. tough lick buddy. I have more regard about your comments around my separation. That's just tough all the way around.

 

[motherhen]

You don't have to like what she does, but she will always be a part of your life. You pray that God will open her heart, mind and soul to except him in her live. Let go so God can help her don't hang on to a string. Because how can God do what he has to do to be able to help her. Just say God I can't handle the way she is, she is yours

 

[Tintin]

After my divorce from my ex wife she decided that she would take over my mom and sister. She was so cruel to me and would keep my son from me. I spent 2 years in court battling this very vindictive woman trying to protect my relationship with my then 2 year old son. When she final gave up on alienating me from my son she started in on my family. They bought into her manipulations and now they have all the major holidays together, birthdays and go camping together. They are one big happy family. My ex makes sure to pick up my mom to take her to my sons events and rubs it in my face every chance she gets. It sucks and it still hurts sometimes to be kicked to the curb by ones own family but some people are just blind that their actions can be hurtful and others are proud to be hurtful. In both cases, God tells us that we must guard our hearts. Guard your heart and it will eventually heal. Mine still hurts sometimes but it's getting better.

I'm so sorry, Sirk. It's sickening how the law now favours women with children over the man with children. If the man is more competent and loving, give him the children. It's not rocket science! Praying for you, bro.

 

[Sirk]

Thanks tin and potter. I didn't mean to high jack this thread. I just wanted the op to understand that parents can be ignorant of their actions. Maybe they don't want to face the truth that they failed in parenting....idk. The truth is that my mother is a nice person and just can't bring herself to tell my ex to pound sand.....i think. I also think that my ex has her convinced that she is the only way that my mom will see my boy.....which is not true. Some people are fantastic manipulators and are toxic. I think it wise to cut toxic friends or family loose.

 

[Sirk]

I'm so sorry, Sirk. It's sickening how the law now favours women with children over the man with children. If the man is more competent and loving, give him the children. It's not rocket science! Praying for you, bro.

It cost me 25k and a lot of emotional heartache but I got joint custody of my son. She did her best to wear me down but the truth is it was only by the grace of god that I hung in there. Plus....I made a promise to my boy when I held him in my arms the night he was born.....that as long as there was air in my lungs I would be there for him.....unlike my parents who couldn't get rid of me fast enough.

 

[MyPottersClay]

Thanks tin and potter. I didn't mean to high jack this thread. I just wanted the op to understand that parents can be ignorant of their actions. Maybe they don't want to face the truth that they failed in parenting....idk. The truth is that my mother is a nice person and just can't bring herself to tell my ex to pound sand.....i think. I also think that my ex has her convinced that she is the only way that my mom will see my boy.....which is not true. Some people are fantastic manipulators and are toxic. I think it wise to cut toxic friends or family loose.

Sirk, that last sentence is how I view my wife. I look at her a Lot's wife. Anyway, no need to rehash my misfortune.

Tmulc5, I hope we have helped. if you need more ask and we will oblige you.

 

[jjtj22]

It cost me 25k and a lot of emotional heartache but I got joint custody of my son. She did her best to wear me down but the truth is it was only by the grace of god that I hung in there. Plus....I made a promise to my boy when I held him in my arms the night he was born.....that as long as there was air in my lungs I would be there for him.....unlike my parents who couldn't get rid of me fast enough.

I know you don't need to hear it but I gotta say it.....Thank you for being that kind of father.

 

[Sirk]

Sirk, that last sentence is how I view my wife. I look at her a Lot's wife. Anyway, no need to rehash my misfortune.

Tmulc5, I hope we have helped. if you need more ask and we will oblige you.

I feel ya man. The problem with a spouse is that you are "joined" and it can be violent to rip apart.

 

[brokenclay]

Praying for you brother. Your testimony on this post sounds like it would have fit the young brother who just came out of a divorce. I am sorry to hear about your pain. May your heart be completely healed and may God keep you and your son in his favour and as the apple of His eye. May he remove the veil off of your family that they may see the real motives of this woman. May the Joy of the Lord once again reside in your heart. In Christ; Larry

After my divorce from my ex wife she decided that she would take over my mom and sister. She was so cruel to me and would keep my son from me. I spent 2 years in court battling this very vindictive woman trying to protect my relationship with my then 2 year old son. When she final gave up on alienating me from my son she started in on my family. They bought into her manipulations and now they have all the major holidays together, birthdays and go camping together. They are one big happy family. My ex makes sure to pick up my mom to take her to my sons events and rubs it in my face every chance she gets. It sucks and it still hurts sometimes to be kicked to the curb by ones own family but some people are just blind that their actions can be hurtful and others are proud to be hurtful. In both cases, God tells us that we must guard our hearts. Guard your heart and it will eventually heal. Mine still hurts sometimes but it's getting better.

 

[tmulc5]

Sirk, no worries about high jacking my post. Actually despite very different circumstances there us one thing in common. My husband and some family members have been constantly trying to 'help repair' my relationship with my mother. They have conversations with her then try to tell me about how it went, try to push us to spend time together like making plans then backing out leaving just the two of us. Again different but I do believe the feelings we are struggling with are extremely similar. I'm going to stick with what I told myself before I originally posted...that I would say exactly what I felt and not let shame or embarrassment keep me from biting my tongue on here. I believe it is healing to say things, in the right place or time so you can let them go.
I just want everyone to let me feel what I feel, respect how I feel even if my feelings aren't good ones. I have disliked my mom since I was a preteen. She acts like a child starved for attention then and now 30 years later still. She is inappropriate in her behavior with family and in public. She embarrasses herself and those with her but she doesn't see it, she says this is me and I'm proud of it but then she calls crying that she's so alone. Her sister and mother and son all live near us within 15 minutes and they too avoid much time with her for the same reasons. But she still doesn't get it. My husband says I should tell her, really? Should I tell her that since I was a child she has been an embarrassment? That now as an adult if I met her on the street I would not choose to be friends with her? I have wanted to talk to her but that is not possible because she can't have discussions. As soon as she hears anything she attacjs...screaming, cursing saying things to try and make the other person feel bad about themaelves. It's always about her, she won't ever take constructive criticism. My husband didn't believe me until he witnessed it once and he was appalled, didn't speak to her for months. But then he went right back to trying to 'fix things' I keep asking him to stop maybe that he should expend that energy fixing his estranged relationship with both his mother and father.
Maybe I do need to just tell her, maybe then she'she'll stop pushing. She's passive aggressive and goes on Facebook making comments about how busy I am because she hasn't heard from me. She says things to my children about how much it hurts her that I don't call her more. I have 3 boys and my husband works out of town part of each week so when one boy has a practice I ask if she wants to have the other 2 boys so she can spend time with them. So I get ask your mom why she only calls me for favors to watch you! I can easily and gladly spend some special time playing with my boys while their brother practices, I'm just trying to give her time with them which honestly the two older ones often don't want. I don't know, I hate conflict, my whole family always fights and talks about each other. Life is busy and I just want to live peacefully with my husband and boys. I know it's not right to be so introverted but what's the point of trying so hard to appease them just to have to deal with all the negativity and disappointment?

 

[Sirk]

I can't help but think of king David and how he agonized with God about smiting his enemies. I know that for me I've really struggled with hating these people but God always brings me back around to the fact that He uses all things for good. The other day it occurred to me that my situation is similar Paul's "thorn in his side". Except I've prayed way more than three times and I'm still in the process of letting it go.

 

[tmulc5]

I've learned that you have to take what people give of themselves and are grateful for it, it's enough. You fill 'your' void on your own. You don't expect others to fill your voids because I'd you do and they can't you are disappointed. I just wish my mother would learn to be happy with herself and not need approval and attention from others. I wish she old learn to fill her voids on her own. She expects more from me and I can't give it so then she's upset and angry. It's just not right for people to give you grief for not fulfilling the expectations they set for you.

 

[Sirk]

I think a big part of my moms generation is that so many of them were brow beaten with religion that it's hard for them to be introspective.... having had their personhood stripped away by legalism. Every single flaw in a persons character has at it's core a fear of something.... IMO

 

[Rockeey]

tmulc5,

I don't think you do have to grit your teeth and bare it. I think you should tell her that you don't like the way she treats you and your kids. I know it's hard and I think it's amazing how many people I can identify with here. My situation is very similar. My family is like this. They are very abusive negative people. There is some of that in me too. It is a constant struggle for me to try not to be like my family. But i have this last year become estranged from them. I call every now and then to check up on them. But there is a reason for me not going to their house on the holidays and birthday parties. I just don't want that around my kids. I have always tried to be a good mom to my kids and to see my family mistreat them or to say something negative to them. I just won't have it. They are in my prayers and I love them but I am not gonna just allow them to have a negative affect on my family (my husband and my kids). I think it all changed for me when I saw that as my kids got older my youngest brother was rude to them then my other brother was rude to my husband. My mother said something awful about my husband too. My family has always needed me, my husband and I have always been there for my entire family. My husband has lend my brother money and he never paid back. He helped me buy a car for my brother when he graduated, we paid for his insurance for years. lol. My family is just ungrateful and negative, disrespectful and I can't have that in my life anymore. I will call them from time to time because I love them and I'm praying for them that God changes their hearts but I don't want them in my life until then. My advice to you is that you do the same. You can't allow them to harm your kids or in my case also to disrespect my husband who is an amazing man. As much as I love them and I would like to have a great relationship with them. I find that they are a bit toxic.

Hope this helps sister God Bless

 

[Sirk]

My family is a little different. They are the sweep everything under the rug passive aggressive variety. Everything looks all pretty and neat on the surface but there is no depth in relationship. The past is too painful that. They like the status quo and anyone who upsets that balance is the enemy. I think it happens a lot in families where someone is trying to get healthy. To get healthy one has to shine the light of truth on the un-health and it just makes people uncomfortable.