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U
Any suggestions? No. Because you've shared nothing. You haven't stated what efforts you have made. How good or bad the attempts went. What her attitude is. Does she care anymore? Is she willing to keep trying? Are there things either of you could try but refuse to? Without knowing what real efforts have been made and having some idea of where her thoughts and feelings are in this regard, no one can give any legitimate advice.
Because you are asking ....I assume giving up isnt really what you want to do......what does your wife want.....
both of you need to want to work this out....if only one is trying.... there will be no change....so maybe you should
be asking this question to your wife.....does she want you to give up?
If i was at this point.....I would need some serious "quiet time" with God....this is going to take some long
prayer and calm ....ask God to send the Holy Spirit to help you hear Him...and wait.....and wait....
But my guess is ......God honors marriage....I think we already know by His word what He wants...
Speak positively about your reunion....about when this will happen ...not "if" this will happen....
Then go prove it to your wife.......words are powerful .....we can block our own blessings by negative words...
If we say.... this wont/cant happen.......then that will be so.......if we say ....this is what will happen ......than that will be so....
stay focused on God no matter what is going on around you....even if all looks impossible...if you can hold on...
blessing will follow...I,ll be praying for you my brother...
May peace and joy find you ....
both of you need to want to work this out....if only one is trying.... there will be no change....so maybe you should
be asking this question to your wife.....does she want you to give up?
If i was at this point.....I would need some serious "quiet time" with God....this is going to take some long
prayer and calm ....ask God to send the Holy Spirit to help you hear Him...and wait.....and wait....
But my guess is ......God honors marriage....I think we already know by His word what He wants...
Speak positively about your reunion....about when this will happen ...not "if" this will happen....
Then go prove it to your wife.......words are powerful .....we can block our own blessings by negative words...
If we say.... this wont/cant happen.......then that will be so.......if we say ....this is what will happen ......than that will be so....
stay focused on God no matter what is going on around you....even if all looks impossible...if you can hold on...
blessing will follow...I,ll be praying for you my brother...
May peace and joy find you ....
N
My only advice is to keep building your relationship with God. No matter how things go in your relationship with your wife, a close relationship with God will make you a better man in general; a better husband, a better father, a better employee or employer....just a better man. Becoming the man God chose you to be will open the doors for joy in your life, whether that is with your wife or not, I can't say.
As for your marriage, I don't know you or your wife to be able to really comment. You need to discuss this with your pastor, counselor or whoever you chose to be your guide in this.
As for your marriage, I don't know you or your wife to be able to really comment. You need to discuss this with your pastor, counselor or whoever you chose to be your guide in this.
B
Dear brother; I think your idea of love and your wife's idea of love are quite different. Although quite a lot of guys seem shocked when their wife walks out on them, it's more clear why a guy walks out on his wife. Guys are often clueless because they are caught up with taking their wife for granted and overlook the signs of a failing marriage. She gave you the benefit of the doubt for quite some time; it seems; and you are still clueless. Two years? You've been separated. Brother! You are hanging on to your own delusions. And you are only 40. Give her what she wants; this is your lucky break; she could be taking you for everything you've got; instead she has simply walked away. Your free!!! Go do some missionary work somewhere. Keep busy in the Lord. There is no condemnation for those who have believed in the only begotten son of God. In Christ.
Yes, you could give up. What led to the breakup in the first place? If both you and your wife give up hope then there will be no hope. You say you would do anything to make your marriage work. What did you not do before the split that you are willing to do now? No one can seriously say that they are willing to do anything and actually mean it. You sound desperate and that could lead to a bad decision on your part.
I was in your shoes many years ago. First wife left me and filed for divorce. Said she didn't love me anymore. The truth is, she never loved me in the first place. During the marriage she cheated on me and was verbally and physically abusive and was a world-class slob. At the time I was willing to do anything also, but then I realized that I had already done everything during the marriage. Only thing that I got out of the divorce was my dog. After the divorce she made a serious error of judgment of my character. She asked me to watch the dog over the week-end and return the little guy Monday. I made an executive decision and decided to keep him. I had him for the next 10 years until his death. I was his daddy. Wife got custody of my daughter. She was her mommy. That is generally how these things go.
A year after the divorce I gave praise to the Lord because He had set me free. Thank you Jesus!
It is time to get real, sir.
I was in your shoes many years ago. First wife left me and filed for divorce. Said she didn't love me anymore. The truth is, she never loved me in the first place. During the marriage she cheated on me and was verbally and physically abusive and was a world-class slob. At the time I was willing to do anything also, but then I realized that I had already done everything during the marriage. Only thing that I got out of the divorce was my dog. After the divorce she made a serious error of judgment of my character. She asked me to watch the dog over the week-end and return the little guy Monday. I made an executive decision and decided to keep him. I had him for the next 10 years until his death. I was his daddy. Wife got custody of my daughter. She was her mommy. That is generally how these things go.
A year after the divorce I gave praise to the Lord because He had set me free. Thank you Jesus!
It is time to get real, sir.
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I have two suggestions for you my friend, and while I am a young man my faith and resolve remains firm and adamant in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It is through him that I speak to you now and confidently offer the best council that I possibly can.
I've had the misfortune of suffering through the differences that my parents had, and it's lasting impact on me today still can be seen. I've tried to make it an experience instead of just simply a bad memory however, and I've learned that for two people to be compatible with each other in this day and age where technology is constantly expanding and growing, and our lives are made more convenient in every way shape and form... good verbal communication is the most core component that anyone can possibly have in making their relationship work.
Just as Christ needs us to talk to Him and call for His aid whenever we may need it, our loved ones require a measure of the same thing. This all goes without saying I'm sure, but I say it to build up to another point, and that is perhaps you should consult Christ in Prayer, and in reflection of what may have lead up to your separation with your wife, so you can make sense of what has happened and piece the puzzle together. That, is my first suggestion.
And my second suggestion is do whatever is necessary to maintain the relationship you have with Christ. What that may be, I cannot say. That is for you to discover, and to decide my brother. But I will pray for you, and I will pray that this darkness sees it's dawn.
I've had the misfortune of suffering through the differences that my parents had, and it's lasting impact on me today still can be seen. I've tried to make it an experience instead of just simply a bad memory however, and I've learned that for two people to be compatible with each other in this day and age where technology is constantly expanding and growing, and our lives are made more convenient in every way shape and form... good verbal communication is the most core component that anyone can possibly have in making their relationship work.
Just as Christ needs us to talk to Him and call for His aid whenever we may need it, our loved ones require a measure of the same thing. This all goes without saying I'm sure, but I say it to build up to another point, and that is perhaps you should consult Christ in Prayer, and in reflection of what may have lead up to your separation with your wife, so you can make sense of what has happened and piece the puzzle together. That, is my first suggestion.
And my second suggestion is do whatever is necessary to maintain the relationship you have with Christ. What that may be, I cannot say. That is for you to discover, and to decide my brother. But I will pray for you, and I will pray that this darkness sees it's dawn.
mile3060, you have been separated for TWO YEARS?!! It's pretty obvious that if you and your wife havent come to any sort of answer to make your marriage work out, then maybe it's time to concede that you have irreconcilable differences that cannot be fixed. Dont keep holding on to what once was, because it's really not there anymore. Part as friends, but definitely part, so that you can both move on with your lives. Some people are better off just being friends, rather than husband and wife.
I'm going to disagree with a lot of posters here.
Jesus gave His commentary in Matthew 19 against divorce based on the passage about two becoming one flesh in Genesis. He said that if a man puts away his wife, except it be for fornication, and marry another, he commits adultery. Paul passes on commandments of the Lord in I Corinthians 7 where he says let not the wife depart from her husband, but if she departs, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. He also said not to let the husband put away his wife.
I have a question for you? Do you have any Biblical grounds for divorce (her fornication)? If you don't, and you just separated because you can't get along, then you shouldn't consider marrying someone else as long as she lives.
If are okay with living a celibate lifestyle, not having a wife to come home to, not having any more children, not ever having sex again, then I suppose you could divorce and live celibate. But you can do that separated, anyway, so why get a divorce? A divorce may leave you with some sort of court order to pay a set amount for child support or alimony, depending on your situation. You could be safer from a financial perspective just staying separated.
But it sounds like you do want your wife back. Now, if you are decent husband and your wife walks out on you, separates to 'find herself' or something like that, she stops showing you affection, stops doing the normal things that wives do like cook for you or scratch your back whatever it is she did, if she doesn't submit to you, if she doesn't sleep with you, that's called being a bad wife. But it isn't a basis for divorcing from a Biblical perspective. I don't know the dynamics of your marriage. Why did she leave? Did she leave because she had an affair? Did you do something wrong? Did you two bicker and argue when you two were together? Did she just want to be on her own? Were you too much of a pushover and didn't offer leadership, and she lost respect for you?
You may need to shake things up a bit to get her out of her complacency, her contentment with the status quo. That could be a conversation where you point out that she is your wife, and even if she isn't 'cheating on you' that she's cheating you out of the benefits of marriage by living apart from you. If you both said your wedding vows and made the commitment, and she isn't doing all the stuff- loving, honoring, cherishing, etc. because she wants her space, she's cheating you out of what she agreed. If you don't have a regular sex life with your wife because she wants her space, she's cheating you, defrauding you, out of that. You could point all this out and let her know the status quo is not okay. Depending on her personality 'putting your foot down' and insisting the separation end could potentially work, but that seems less likely if she is living separately from you.
Shaking things up a bit could mean going online and applying for a job somewhere. If you have kids, you could say you would the kids to go with you to attend some good school or something like that, but you'd rather just reconcile. Or you could apply for a job in Hawaii or some other fun place and say if you get it, you want her to go with you, and proposing just moving in right away where you are because you want to live together if you don't get it. Or you could apply for a job in Saudi Arabia or some cold part of Alaska. If she sees you every once in a while, wants her space, but would miss you if you go, maybe that would cause her to rethink the situation.
You could also go to a counselor, one you choose specifically because you know he supports reconciling marriages. Be careful not to get a secular counselor (or one who calls himself a 'Christian counselor') who doesn't care for the words of Christ, and thinks divorce is fine as long as one or both people seem to feel happier when they are divorced. If the counselor recommends moving back in, and she is the type to go along with counseling, that could help, too.
I don't know how you got in this situation. I know there are some guys who can be kind of passive. If the wife wants to separate or get a divorce, he thinks, "Well if that is what she wants to be happy, I will give it to her." I don't think like that. If you give her permission to do it, then she's more likely to do it. If your stance is no, that isn't happening, it can make it harder for her to do that. Then if she throws tantrums or is cold until she gets her way, you have to not let it sway you. But that's only one type of scenario. You might get better advice if you gave some specifics about how you got separated.
Jesus gave His commentary in Matthew 19 against divorce based on the passage about two becoming one flesh in Genesis. He said that if a man puts away his wife, except it be for fornication, and marry another, he commits adultery. Paul passes on commandments of the Lord in I Corinthians 7 where he says let not the wife depart from her husband, but if she departs, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. He also said not to let the husband put away his wife.
I have a question for you? Do you have any Biblical grounds for divorce (her fornication)? If you don't, and you just separated because you can't get along, then you shouldn't consider marrying someone else as long as she lives.
If are okay with living a celibate lifestyle, not having a wife to come home to, not having any more children, not ever having sex again, then I suppose you could divorce and live celibate. But you can do that separated, anyway, so why get a divorce? A divorce may leave you with some sort of court order to pay a set amount for child support or alimony, depending on your situation. You could be safer from a financial perspective just staying separated.
But it sounds like you do want your wife back. Now, if you are decent husband and your wife walks out on you, separates to 'find herself' or something like that, she stops showing you affection, stops doing the normal things that wives do like cook for you or scratch your back whatever it is she did, if she doesn't submit to you, if she doesn't sleep with you, that's called being a bad wife. But it isn't a basis for divorcing from a Biblical perspective. I don't know the dynamics of your marriage. Why did she leave? Did she leave because she had an affair? Did you do something wrong? Did you two bicker and argue when you two were together? Did she just want to be on her own? Were you too much of a pushover and didn't offer leadership, and she lost respect for you?
You may need to shake things up a bit to get her out of her complacency, her contentment with the status quo. That could be a conversation where you point out that she is your wife, and even if she isn't 'cheating on you' that she's cheating you out of the benefits of marriage by living apart from you. If you both said your wedding vows and made the commitment, and she isn't doing all the stuff- loving, honoring, cherishing, etc. because she wants her space, she's cheating you out of what she agreed. If you don't have a regular sex life with your wife because she wants her space, she's cheating you, defrauding you, out of that. You could point all this out and let her know the status quo is not okay. Depending on her personality 'putting your foot down' and insisting the separation end could potentially work, but that seems less likely if she is living separately from you.
Shaking things up a bit could mean going online and applying for a job somewhere. If you have kids, you could say you would the kids to go with you to attend some good school or something like that, but you'd rather just reconcile. Or you could apply for a job in Hawaii or some other fun place and say if you get it, you want her to go with you, and proposing just moving in right away where you are because you want to live together if you don't get it. Or you could apply for a job in Saudi Arabia or some cold part of Alaska. If she sees you every once in a while, wants her space, but would miss you if you go, maybe that would cause her to rethink the situation.
You could also go to a counselor, one you choose specifically because you know he supports reconciling marriages. Be careful not to get a secular counselor (or one who calls himself a 'Christian counselor') who doesn't care for the words of Christ, and thinks divorce is fine as long as one or both people seem to feel happier when they are divorced. If the counselor recommends moving back in, and she is the type to go along with counseling, that could help, too.
I don't know how you got in this situation. I know there are some guys who can be kind of passive. If the wife wants to separate or get a divorce, he thinks, "Well if that is what she wants to be happy, I will give it to her." I don't think like that. If you give her permission to do it, then she's more likely to do it. If your stance is no, that isn't happening, it can make it harder for her to do that. Then if she throws tantrums or is cold until she gets her way, you have to not let it sway you. But that's only one type of scenario. You might get better advice if you gave some specifics about how you got separated.
R
Hmm... It is hard to say... Is she seeing anyone else? Are you sure she isn't still hoping things can work out and is just waiting for you to realize this? It is hard to say exactly because we have little information. You need to walk closely with The Lord for a week and then plan to meet her at the end of that week to talk all of this through. Make sure that everything you say is true, genuine and out of love and ask the same of her and see where the conversation leads. If she is already seeing other men, and you, other women then it's definitely time to move on... But God can do crazy things so who knows.
Another way to try to get her to move in with you is to have a romantic dinner and propose. Or maybe you could go to the place you proposed and recreate the situation, and then get down on one knee. Instead of a ring, you could give her a key to your house or apartment and ask her to move back in with you. If you had a crowd around for a proposal, or even if you didn't, you could make a big deal and ask her in front of her family or a group of others. It would be like a veiled 'intervention.' You'd have to feel her out a bit to see that she is not dead set against moving in. If she leaves the possibility out there, but it's just the momentum of the status quo keeping her separated, maybe asking her in front a of a big group of people would be a way to nudge her into moving in with you. If her parents are down with the idea, maybe they could pack her bags for her, and she could go to your house that night, and watch the kids for an evening if that's what you wanted.
If you don't think the confrontational approach would work, a fun or romantic approach might be worth a try.
If you don't think the confrontational approach would work, a fun or romantic approach might be worth a try.
The advice I give is from personal experience- Don't get caught up in "what if?". Look at what is and do what you have to do to deal with it and accept it.
A part of scripture that has been helpful for me over years is Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths.
A part of scripture that has been helpful for me over years is Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths.
D
Hello mile3060,
Some brothers and sisters here have given some great advice. You are blessed!
Like someone else said, there's no reason to lose hope if you want reconciliation badly enough. To hear you say you'd do anything to get your wife back shows willingness to serve and a true love for your wife.
I have been been separated from my hubby for 5 years. It's been three years since I began walking with Jesus again. I've asked him twice to let me come home. It would completely blow my mind if he was willing to do anything to get me back!
Since I am the Christian in our relationship, the prayer stance is my responsibility. God is able to change my hubby's heart: Prov. 21:1 says "The King's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord, and He turns it wherever He will".
Don't give up hope. Pray for your wife's heart to be moved by God. There is no time in God's universe, only in ours.
Some brothers and sisters here have given some great advice. You are blessed!
Like someone else said, there's no reason to lose hope if you want reconciliation badly enough. To hear you say you'd do anything to get your wife back shows willingness to serve and a true love for your wife.
I have been been separated from my hubby for 5 years. It's been three years since I began walking with Jesus again. I've asked him twice to let me come home. It would completely blow my mind if he was willing to do anything to get me back!
Since I am the Christian in our relationship, the prayer stance is my responsibility. God is able to change my hubby's heart: Prov. 21:1 says "The King's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord, and He turns it wherever He will".
Don't give up hope. Pray for your wife's heart to be moved by God. There is no time in God's universe, only in ours.
R
I feel your pain. My husband of 33 yrs left 21 months ago. And no it doesn't hurt less, I'm just getting better at exisiting.
And just "being friends" doesn't help-how can you have a causal chat about the weather when you want a hug that never ends. I think many people respond to mile3060 maybe haven't been left! Told they weren't good enough! My unwavering faith in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost are all that get me through. God tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us. You are in my prayers-prayers that God will hold you close and guide you-always.
And just "being friends" doesn't help-how can you have a causal chat about the weather when you want a hug that never ends. I think many people respond to mile3060 maybe haven't been left! Told they weren't good enough! My unwavering faith in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost are all that get me through. God tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us. You are in my prayers-prayers that God will hold you close and guide you-always.