i've deliberately held off on replying to this until now, because i too had a bit of a reaction to reading your words. as far as i've traveled, and healed, i'm still amazed at how a few words or scene can take me right back to powerfully emotional memories.
what i'm most happy for is that you were able to defend yourself and walk away with the confidence knowing that you CAN react and take care of yourself in such a situation. that has got to be a great boost of confidence. or i hope that it will give you that.
personally, the only lingering issue from my assault is that i wasn't able to defend myself. i wasn't able to get away. most people who know me well, couldn't hide their surprise of the fact that i wasn't able to do more.
forgiving myself for not being (more) successful was one of the hardest things i ever had to do. i was just really, really TICKED OFF that i didn't get one good blow in. that infuriated me. it felt like a betrayal of myself.
i'm pretty sure there is a population that is counting on women to be too meek, well-behaved, terrified, or insecure in their abilities to react with swift and decisive physical action. a population that thinks that we will have no choice but to cower and be at their mercy.
next time i'll be better prepared, and cristen, you're officially my hero.