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M
I hope I understood what you're saying here...I think I did.
That's a facet of forgiveness you don't really hear much about- the fact that the person who hurt you will face God one day, and He will hold them accountable for their actions. I know that a lot of times, when people are still angry, they might think this way, kind of revel in the knowledge that the wrong-doer will face judgment...and I don't know that that's really a "right" attitude, but then, it IS true. And I think knowing that might help in the process of forgiving a person. But I think it's also something that has to be let go of...if I'm dwelling too much on the idea of the person being held accountable, then I'm not truly trying to forgive them...am I? Or maybe it's more about what's in my heart when I think of that person facing consequences...am I full of spiteful glee that they're going to be punished? Or am I indifferent about it? Or do I feel compassion for them and am I able to pray for them out of real, Christ-like love, that they will repent and be spared punishment (though not accountability)?
This has given me a whole new batch of questions, but also answers one.
That's a facet of forgiveness you don't really hear much about- the fact that the person who hurt you will face God one day, and He will hold them accountable for their actions. I know that a lot of times, when people are still angry, they might think this way, kind of revel in the knowledge that the wrong-doer will face judgment...and I don't know that that's really a "right" attitude, but then, it IS true. And I think knowing that might help in the process of forgiving a person. But I think it's also something that has to be let go of...if I'm dwelling too much on the idea of the person being held accountable, then I'm not truly trying to forgive them...am I? Or maybe it's more about what's in my heart when I think of that person facing consequences...am I full of spiteful glee that they're going to be punished? Or am I indifferent about it? Or do I feel compassion for them and am I able to pray for them out of real, Christ-like love, that they will repent and be spared punishment (though not accountability)?
This has given me a whole new batch of questions, but also answers one.
As per an example, the Bible have the records of several men and women. It´s not quite judgemental, but it doesn´t condone human´s sins. Example: David did wrong with Betsabeth... The Bible showed HE WAS FORGOTTEN, the the record is kept there to avoid repeating. It says what he did (what we do or have done) but it also show the "formulae" to avoid making twice, because it´s been forgiven and not sought to be repeated (it´s not condoned or promoted). Tha´s why I will not forget those lesson I´m learning: I´m a sinner trying to avoid it (though there´re things that could be misundestood).
Who will remove those records we cannot erase from the past?
Who will remove those records we cannot erase from the past?
I'm only so-so at forgiveness. The deeper the hurts, the harder it is to forgive. I had someone tell me once that some forgiveness isn't all at once; sometimes we have to forgive offense by offense.
The hardest person for me to forgive is myself. I feel that I "should have known" that someone wasn't good for me, or that I should have been able to see into the future so I could fortify myself against the inevitable pain. Both scenarios are silly, of course, but somehow I had decided to run my life that way.
Don't forget to forgive yourself as well as the other person.
The hardest person for me to forgive is myself. I feel that I "should have known" that someone wasn't good for me, or that I should have been able to see into the future so I could fortify myself against the inevitable pain. Both scenarios are silly, of course, but somehow I had decided to run my life that way.
Don't forget to forgive yourself as well as the other person.
M
I struggle with this too...forgiving myself so I can stand to live with myself. I'm with me all the time, I know my own heart, I know my intentions, shouldn't it be easier to forgive myself than others?
But i do the same thing, kicking myself repeatedly for every word or action I said or did that I feel got me hurt. Or for every offense against me that I didn't see coming...which, stupidly, is most of them.
There are times I just want to crawl out of my skin, get away from myself...because I tend to hold grudges against ME.
I'm really glad I started this thread...y'all are making me think.
But i do the same thing, kicking myself repeatedly for every word or action I said or did that I feel got me hurt. Or for every offense against me that I didn't see coming...which, stupidly, is most of them.
There are times I just want to crawl out of my skin, get away from myself...because I tend to hold grudges against ME.
I'm really glad I started this thread...y'all are making me think.
you bring up a good point. i distinctly remember hearing a teaching about anger and forgiveness that really opened/altered my perspective.
she used the example of some infuriating person who did something with callous disregard to one's feelings. i think the example was a stranger stealing a parking spot (which by the way, really doesn't rile me up, but i can think of a dozen that do) and how angry she got about that insensitivity.
she then discussed that you can allow yourself to run amok in anger, or you can examine the person who is doing this action.
what kind of person does this thing?
what's going on in the heart of a person who doesn't care about such things?
what kind of consequences must exist for their behavior in their life?
and of course, what if that person offended you based upon a misunderstanding or unaware of their potential for harming you?
as long ago as that was, i still remember that idea of seeking compassion for the one who wounds us and potentially suffering a life full of difficulties and potentially quite separated from God. this example works very well for me in my own "difficult to forgive" situation.
personally, i've got all the solidarity of jello when it comes to holding grudges, but i've not always been that way.
while i've never been prone to anger or resentment, i would retain my "pet" issues in my heart, and use them to justify my hurts and certain behavior. those wounds tunneled deep into my being, and caused me great harm.
part of the journey that brought me back to God essentially re-built my heart. and honestly, i'm learning how to calibrate it. recently, someone introduced me to the concept of "nicer than jesus" syndrome, and wow, did that hit me hard.
for someone like me, the forgiveness is the easy issue.
the dealing with the aftermath, the consequences of the hurt, and the appropriate boundaries/protection and (especially) not feeling guilty about the other person's reactions is still something i'm having to learn.
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A key thing for me, in at least one situation, was asking God to forgo the person's eventual punishment for what they had done.
I do not think that this would be the right thing to do in every situation, in fact I'd usually lean towards leaving the whole punishment/lack of punishment thing up to God entirely, because He is fair and right and just, and we are... not. We might even be too willing to forget at times (as some here have suggested), and then the offender is robbed of growth because they don't realize what they have done wrong. Then they might repeat their mistakes and ultimately have more pain to deal with as a result.
I do not think that this would be the right thing to do in every situation, in fact I'd usually lean towards leaving the whole punishment/lack of punishment thing up to God entirely, because He is fair and right and just, and we are... not. We might even be too willing to forget at times (as some here have suggested), and then the offender is robbed of growth because they don't realize what they have done wrong. Then they might repeat their mistakes and ultimately have more pain to deal with as a result.
MissCris, God must be using you because your timing is very appropriate in my life right now. In the streams thread I alluded to a prior experience of physical assault, and I actually had those unpleasant memories return to the forefront of my mind just this Sunday, and I've been dwelling on the topic of forgiveness ever since.
It's been 4 years since the incident, and 2 years since I last saw the man (and my former friend) who attacked me. At the time of the incident, I was so hung up on trying to be a 'good, forgiving Christian', that I think I tried to rush the healing process way too much. I told myself things like "I have to forgive him", "I have to show him the love of Christ", and, like the title of your thread, "forgive and forget". I kid you not, within a month I was pretending that everything was ok and that we were friends again. He never apologized, and he must have interpreted my rapid rebound to mean that I didn't think it was that big of a deal anyway, which is why he remained in my life for another 2 years before moving out of state. After he moved and was officially 'out of sight, out of mind', it was then that I fully processed what happened, finally told my parents everything, and was finally able to find peace and healing.
Flash forward to this Sunday, and I was 98% sure that I spotted him in a very crowded outdoor venue, walking in my general direction. Despite the fact that I thought I had forgiven and forgotten, the moment I saw 'him' (facebook stalking later that night revealed it wasn't him, but someone who bore an uncanny resemblance), I froze. I was literally a statue. No breathing. No blinking. I had imagined so many times what it would be like to see him again. I thought perhaps I might be polite, even friendly, to show just how completely I had forgiven him. I imagined being loving and kind, demonstrating how much Christ had healed me.
Instead, the only thought/feeling/instinct that took over my entire body was pure terror. My hand turned into a particularly painful death grip around my boyfriend's hand, and he snapped me out of my daze. I turned around and literally buried my face in his chest until the other man walked past us. It was all I could do to not cry.
So much for operation 'show the love of Christ'. I thought I'd come so far.
I've spent the last couple days wrestling with God about this. What is forgiveness? To whom do I offer forgiveness, and on what terms, if any? What about forgetting? Do I need to simply forget the offense and move on?
I think forgiveness is basically to say "you no longer owe me". Forgiveness can occur after the offender has made amends for his/her wrongdoing, and it's easy to say/feel "you no longer owe me", because if the offender has truly "made up" for the offense, then the balance of the relationship is restored. The hard part is when the offender does not make amends, and it's especially hard when they don't even acknowledge their wrongs. In this case, the offender definitely still owes the person he/she wrongs, and the person offended has a choice: to forgive or not. We can choose to forever live knowing that the other person owes us, or we can choose to forgive them even if they don't deserve it, as Christ has done for us. It is a reasonable thing to forgive someone who has made amends, but it is merciful to forgive someone who doesn't deserve it.
After some thought, I think I have forgiven the person who wronged me. I do not hate him. I don't feel like he owes me anything. He will someday be accountable to God for his actions and I have better things to do than spend my life hating him. That said, I have not and will not forget what happened, because I learned many valuable lessons from that experience. I learned how to spot someone with abusive tendencies, and how to avoid putting myself in dangerous situations. I learned that I can't be friends with him ever again because he is not a safe person. This is why I think 'forgetting' totally depends on the situation. If all he had done was borrowed $5 and never returned it, I could completely forget about it even if he didn't apologize because the offense wasn't worth upsetting the balance of our friendship.
Sorry for the long post. I hope that made some sort of sense. My mind is still a little overwhelmed on this subject and God has a lot of work to do on me yet.
It's been 4 years since the incident, and 2 years since I last saw the man (and my former friend) who attacked me. At the time of the incident, I was so hung up on trying to be a 'good, forgiving Christian', that I think I tried to rush the healing process way too much. I told myself things like "I have to forgive him", "I have to show him the love of Christ", and, like the title of your thread, "forgive and forget". I kid you not, within a month I was pretending that everything was ok and that we were friends again. He never apologized, and he must have interpreted my rapid rebound to mean that I didn't think it was that big of a deal anyway, which is why he remained in my life for another 2 years before moving out of state. After he moved and was officially 'out of sight, out of mind', it was then that I fully processed what happened, finally told my parents everything, and was finally able to find peace and healing.
Flash forward to this Sunday, and I was 98% sure that I spotted him in a very crowded outdoor venue, walking in my general direction. Despite the fact that I thought I had forgiven and forgotten, the moment I saw 'him' (facebook stalking later that night revealed it wasn't him, but someone who bore an uncanny resemblance), I froze. I was literally a statue. No breathing. No blinking. I had imagined so many times what it would be like to see him again. I thought perhaps I might be polite, even friendly, to show just how completely I had forgiven him. I imagined being loving and kind, demonstrating how much Christ had healed me.
Instead, the only thought/feeling/instinct that took over my entire body was pure terror. My hand turned into a particularly painful death grip around my boyfriend's hand, and he snapped me out of my daze. I turned around and literally buried my face in his chest until the other man walked past us. It was all I could do to not cry.
So much for operation 'show the love of Christ'. I thought I'd come so far.
I've spent the last couple days wrestling with God about this. What is forgiveness? To whom do I offer forgiveness, and on what terms, if any? What about forgetting? Do I need to simply forget the offense and move on?
I think forgiveness is basically to say "you no longer owe me". Forgiveness can occur after the offender has made amends for his/her wrongdoing, and it's easy to say/feel "you no longer owe me", because if the offender has truly "made up" for the offense, then the balance of the relationship is restored. The hard part is when the offender does not make amends, and it's especially hard when they don't even acknowledge their wrongs. In this case, the offender definitely still owes the person he/she wrongs, and the person offended has a choice: to forgive or not. We can choose to forever live knowing that the other person owes us, or we can choose to forgive them even if they don't deserve it, as Christ has done for us. It is a reasonable thing to forgive someone who has made amends, but it is merciful to forgive someone who doesn't deserve it.
After some thought, I think I have forgiven the person who wronged me. I do not hate him. I don't feel like he owes me anything. He will someday be accountable to God for his actions and I have better things to do than spend my life hating him. That said, I have not and will not forget what happened, because I learned many valuable lessons from that experience. I learned how to spot someone with abusive tendencies, and how to avoid putting myself in dangerous situations. I learned that I can't be friends with him ever again because he is not a safe person. This is why I think 'forgetting' totally depends on the situation. If all he had done was borrowed $5 and never returned it, I could completely forget about it even if he didn't apologize because the offense wasn't worth upsetting the balance of our friendship.
Sorry for the long post. I hope that made some sort of sense. My mind is still a little overwhelmed on this subject and God has a lot of work to do on me yet.
M
Loveneverfails-
If God is using me in a way that is helping you, or anybody else, then I am grateful for the opportunity and humbled by it.
I also am glad that you shared that story here; it was a pretty courageous thing to do, and it's that type of thing in my own life that's got me wondering about forgiveness.
For me, the two so-called "friends" that assaulted me...I thought I'd forgiven them. In fact, I did much the same thing, thinking that forgiving and forgetting meant I should still have them in my life, despite their lack of remorse. I still saw them and spoke to them even though I was always afraid of repeat performances. The whole thing had me so far beyond confused that it wasn't until long after I moved away from the city they were in that I finally realized the amount of damage that had been done.
That was over 10 years ago, and there have been times since when I still felt boiling anger at them, or the same humiliation I felt when it happened, or just despair...and yet I couldn't understand how those events were still affecting me so strongly, because hadn't I forgiven them?
Of course I hadn't- what they did was horrible and evil and I had every reason to hate them for it. But I wouldn't let myself admit that, because it didn't fit with the notion of Christian forgiveness and love.
The other day, I finally realized to what extent I was still letting that history control me. And I felt able to begin to let go of it. Knowing that I was finally starting the healing process was so....freeing. And then, last night, when it nearly happened again...I don't know. It feels like I've been pushed back to that place of clinging to the wrongs that have been done to me. I was angry not only at my ex, but the other two men as well. In fact, the fury I felt probably fueled my punch, though I didn't process that until today.
Thats why I started this thread; I want to get past this. It might not be today. I hope it doesn't take another 10 years. But I have to find a way to forgive these people because it's destroying me to hold onto the resentment and fear.
Everything that's been posted here has hit me hard- and has helped me. And I'm glad it seems to be helping others as well.
If God is using me in a way that is helping you, or anybody else, then I am grateful for the opportunity and humbled by it.
I also am glad that you shared that story here; it was a pretty courageous thing to do, and it's that type of thing in my own life that's got me wondering about forgiveness.
For me, the two so-called "friends" that assaulted me...I thought I'd forgiven them. In fact, I did much the same thing, thinking that forgiving and forgetting meant I should still have them in my life, despite their lack of remorse. I still saw them and spoke to them even though I was always afraid of repeat performances. The whole thing had me so far beyond confused that it wasn't until long after I moved away from the city they were in that I finally realized the amount of damage that had been done.
That was over 10 years ago, and there have been times since when I still felt boiling anger at them, or the same humiliation I felt when it happened, or just despair...and yet I couldn't understand how those events were still affecting me so strongly, because hadn't I forgiven them?
Of course I hadn't- what they did was horrible and evil and I had every reason to hate them for it. But I wouldn't let myself admit that, because it didn't fit with the notion of Christian forgiveness and love.
The other day, I finally realized to what extent I was still letting that history control me. And I felt able to begin to let go of it. Knowing that I was finally starting the healing process was so....freeing. And then, last night, when it nearly happened again...I don't know. It feels like I've been pushed back to that place of clinging to the wrongs that have been done to me. I was angry not only at my ex, but the other two men as well. In fact, the fury I felt probably fueled my punch, though I didn't process that until today.
Thats why I started this thread; I want to get past this. It might not be today. I hope it doesn't take another 10 years. But I have to find a way to forgive these people because it's destroying me to hold onto the resentment and fear.
Everything that's been posted here has hit me hard- and has helped me. And I'm glad it seems to be helping others as well.
L
Ugly got it right, forgiveness is not letting them off the hook per-say, its more about letting go. Meaning you forgive prevents Satan from getting a foothold in your life. You give it over to God. Your love and forgiveness will heap coals on their head, "make them feel embarrassed about their actions."
Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.
He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him
and cause him to suffer,
and thought the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession of the transgressors.
Isaiah 53
When I think about how Jesus died on the cross for my sin and how my sins were forgiven countless times by the power in the blood of Jesus, I just simply can't put myself in a position of whether I should or shouldn't forgive someone; and the question of 'I just can't forgive' becomes meaningless before His sacrifice and dissolves into His loving kindness who died on the cross for me.
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.
He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him
and cause him to suffer,
and thought the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession of the transgressors.
Isaiah 53
When I think about how Jesus died on the cross for my sin and how my sins were forgiven countless times by the power in the blood of Jesus, I just simply can't put myself in a position of whether I should or shouldn't forgive someone; and the question of 'I just can't forgive' becomes meaningless before His sacrifice and dissolves into His loving kindness who died on the cross for me.
A
To add to what Christin74 was saying, I thought I'd throw these ones out:
"A person who cannot forgive has forgotten how great a debt God has forgiven them."
'Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father is heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.' - Mark11:24-26
'Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.' - Ephesians 4:31-32
You have to admit, there is a serious tone in the Bible whenever it came to holding back forgiveness.
It took me three years to forgive my mother. Two of those years was done as a non-believer, and then a year as a believer. I can confidently say that holding all those things against my mother was like a poison, and the longer it stayed in my system, the more harm I was doing to myself. At the root of my experiences with self mutilation, depression, suicidal tendencies and suicidal attempts, was the unforgiveness I held towards my mother and father.
When I came back to live at home (6 months after giving my life to the Lord), I prepared a meal for the family, sat my parents down and asked them to forgive me. I admitted where I went wrong in our relationship and they said 'It's alright, it's long forgotten.' I didn't expect them to confess to their side of those once-upon-a-times, and you know what, I don't know if they will ever. I will probably never get a sorry for years of abuse, as far as I'm concerned, they would either laugh or yell at me if I called it for what it was.
But as someone else said, I have to try and understand their heart. This is the way my parents were brought up, and as far as what they have told me about their upbringing, mine was a walk in the park compared to theirs. I think at some level they knew they had to make a 'right' out of what they already experienced, I believe they knew what was done to them was wrong, but they're still quite broken. Broken people can only love with broken hearts.
Quite a few months ago, my mum and my brother's ex wife had a full yelling match at each other. It happened right before me. As soon as I saw my mother begin to get angry, my defense mechanism went on hyper mode and I 'shut down'. I completely withdrew in to myself and shut myself from feeling anything because the fear that was rising was far too overwhelming for me to handle. The rest of that week was absolutely terrible, it felt like Pandora's box was reopened. That's when I felt the Lord telling me to write down all the really hurtful memories from the past and at the same time, allow Him to re-write them as I travelled through this, to give them over, to let loose of my hold, and to allow Him to heal.
Even before that, I was minding my own business one day when I was suddenly hit with an intense grief and turning within myself as I realised I had to forgive my parents, AGAIN. I ran to my room with tears as I prayed like a mad woman.
Forgiving them was a very long and crazy process. But the freedom afterwards was worth it. That stuff inside was destroying me, and I knew the Lord loves me too much to let it go on for too long.
While I'm doing my usual crazy-long-as-post-a-thon thing, I would say, I have recently been convicted of the hurt I have been holding against a group of people, and this thread has reminded me of it, I have been putting it off.
Every time I talk about coming to the Lord, I always state that just before I cried out to the Lord, "Everyone turned their backs against me." I realised that I use such strong language to describe the event because I hadn't forgiven those people. I realised, I'm still operating out of that lack of forgiveness I am holding against them. With the friendships I have now in my life, I can't bring myself to let people in. I am so scared of doing this and I know this is because I am holding on to something I shouldn't be.
But I couldn't help but have this crazy thought. What if it was God's intention that this was done? Before I was saved, I had a circle of unhealthy friendships with people who wrongly influenced me, and I wonder if it was the Lord's hand that divided them from me, while He looked on at my state, saying, "This one's mine. This time, I want her to run to me." If someone tried to pick me up and help me during the hardest point in my life, I wouldn't have cried out to God the way I did. And I probably would never have seen my twenty-third birthday. Maybe He knew... He knew exactly what He was doing in order to set me free. So in looking back, should I hold back forgiveness to those who turned away?
No. I shouldn't. I guess what happened had to happen. And I have to move on and love.
(OH THANKS GUYS THIS THREAD IS REALLY GREAT, ISN'T IT?!
)
"A person who cannot forgive has forgotten how great a debt God has forgiven them."
'Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father is heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.' - Mark11:24-26
'Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.' - Ephesians 4:31-32
You have to admit, there is a serious tone in the Bible whenever it came to holding back forgiveness.
It took me three years to forgive my mother. Two of those years was done as a non-believer, and then a year as a believer. I can confidently say that holding all those things against my mother was like a poison, and the longer it stayed in my system, the more harm I was doing to myself. At the root of my experiences with self mutilation, depression, suicidal tendencies and suicidal attempts, was the unforgiveness I held towards my mother and father.
When I came back to live at home (6 months after giving my life to the Lord), I prepared a meal for the family, sat my parents down and asked them to forgive me. I admitted where I went wrong in our relationship and they said 'It's alright, it's long forgotten.' I didn't expect them to confess to their side of those once-upon-a-times, and you know what, I don't know if they will ever. I will probably never get a sorry for years of abuse, as far as I'm concerned, they would either laugh or yell at me if I called it for what it was.
But as someone else said, I have to try and understand their heart. This is the way my parents were brought up, and as far as what they have told me about their upbringing, mine was a walk in the park compared to theirs. I think at some level they knew they had to make a 'right' out of what they already experienced, I believe they knew what was done to them was wrong, but they're still quite broken. Broken people can only love with broken hearts.
Quite a few months ago, my mum and my brother's ex wife had a full yelling match at each other. It happened right before me. As soon as I saw my mother begin to get angry, my defense mechanism went on hyper mode and I 'shut down'. I completely withdrew in to myself and shut myself from feeling anything because the fear that was rising was far too overwhelming for me to handle. The rest of that week was absolutely terrible, it felt like Pandora's box was reopened. That's when I felt the Lord telling me to write down all the really hurtful memories from the past and at the same time, allow Him to re-write them as I travelled through this, to give them over, to let loose of my hold, and to allow Him to heal.
Even before that, I was minding my own business one day when I was suddenly hit with an intense grief and turning within myself as I realised I had to forgive my parents, AGAIN. I ran to my room with tears as I prayed like a mad woman.
Forgiving them was a very long and crazy process. But the freedom afterwards was worth it. That stuff inside was destroying me, and I knew the Lord loves me too much to let it go on for too long.
While I'm doing my usual crazy-long-as-post-a-thon thing, I would say, I have recently been convicted of the hurt I have been holding against a group of people, and this thread has reminded me of it, I have been putting it off.
Every time I talk about coming to the Lord, I always state that just before I cried out to the Lord, "Everyone turned their backs against me." I realised that I use such strong language to describe the event because I hadn't forgiven those people. I realised, I'm still operating out of that lack of forgiveness I am holding against them. With the friendships I have now in my life, I can't bring myself to let people in. I am so scared of doing this and I know this is because I am holding on to something I shouldn't be.
But I couldn't help but have this crazy thought. What if it was God's intention that this was done? Before I was saved, I had a circle of unhealthy friendships with people who wrongly influenced me, and I wonder if it was the Lord's hand that divided them from me, while He looked on at my state, saying, "This one's mine. This time, I want her to run to me." If someone tried to pick me up and help me during the hardest point in my life, I wouldn't have cried out to God the way I did. And I probably would never have seen my twenty-third birthday. Maybe He knew... He knew exactly what He was doing in order to set me free. So in looking back, should I hold back forgiveness to those who turned away?
No. I shouldn't. I guess what happened had to happen. And I have to move on and love.
(OH THANKS GUYS THIS THREAD IS REALLY GREAT, ISN'T IT?!
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K
Not exactly what I meant. While God will hold us accountable for our sins "one day" it's the "now" that has the more dramatic effect in our worldly lives. What I mean by "consequence" is the outcome or the result of the sin. If someone murders, the fact that the murderer is forgiven of their sin (if they so ask God) has little effect on the result on the murder. The murdered person is still dead and there is prison, life long regret, life long victim-hood, maybe vengeance, grief and any other consequence you could think of. This is what I meant by human tragedy. If the sin truly were forgiven along with the sinner we would certainly live in a much different world because the consequence would be overturned, the loss would be regained, or, the results would be altered. The way it is, though, our world is ultimately lost to sin and destroyed by consequence.
