-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
M
I'm pretty sure I won't make a lot of sense here because I'm kinda falling asleep and also my phone hates me. I already don't know what I'm talking about.
Im kind of a wreck. I'm kind of sure it's completely obvious that I'm a wreck. And that I'm ten different kinds of lonely and did I mention the part about being a wreck? Like a train wreck. Or something. I'm not handling life very well and I'm posting stupid crap all the time because I'm lonely and I've never been alone before and if I wasn't a Christian, if I didn't have my babies to take care of, I'd never get out of my bed unless it was to pour a drink and forget things. Which is really weird because I don't even drink.
I keep trying to pretend I'm fine and I'm just not. I keep smiling when I don't feel like it and I keep turning to God for...anything...and I know He's there, I know He's listening, He's been calling me to come back to him and now I've done it He's suddenly gone deaf.
I know that's not true.
I know I'm being impatient.
I want to be ok NOW, but maybe there's a reason I shouldn't be. Or can't be. I don't know.
I'm not strong enough for all of this, for all the change, for the divorce and the loss of everything I knew and the sudden end to every future I could see.
Every time I've started to get back up, I trip over my own stupid clumsy feet and land on my face again and it's exhausting. I feel like if I hear "trust God" one more time my head will explode. I do trust God. That doesn't stop me from being human and feeling horrible right now. Maybe He will see fit to comfort me eventually, or show me somehow what the point was, help me understand all of this...but it's not happening right now, and I don't know how to...cope. Keep doing this. Keep smiling. Keep stretching further.
I'm tired, and I'm angry, and I hurt, and I just want relief, a break, help, anything.
Im totally being a whiner. I don't know where my apostrophes keep running off to. I think I'll borrow my son's teddy bear and try to enjoy oblivion for a while before finding out what new crap I'll have to face tomorrow. I don't know why God is pushing me so hard...there's surely a reason...isn't there?
Im kind of a wreck. I'm kind of sure it's completely obvious that I'm a wreck. And that I'm ten different kinds of lonely and did I mention the part about being a wreck? Like a train wreck. Or something. I'm not handling life very well and I'm posting stupid crap all the time because I'm lonely and I've never been alone before and if I wasn't a Christian, if I didn't have my babies to take care of, I'd never get out of my bed unless it was to pour a drink and forget things. Which is really weird because I don't even drink.
I keep trying to pretend I'm fine and I'm just not. I keep smiling when I don't feel like it and I keep turning to God for...anything...and I know He's there, I know He's listening, He's been calling me to come back to him and now I've done it He's suddenly gone deaf.
I know that's not true.
I know I'm being impatient.
I want to be ok NOW, but maybe there's a reason I shouldn't be. Or can't be. I don't know.
I'm not strong enough for all of this, for all the change, for the divorce and the loss of everything I knew and the sudden end to every future I could see.
Every time I've started to get back up, I trip over my own stupid clumsy feet and land on my face again and it's exhausting. I feel like if I hear "trust God" one more time my head will explode. I do trust God. That doesn't stop me from being human and feeling horrible right now. Maybe He will see fit to comfort me eventually, or show me somehow what the point was, help me understand all of this...but it's not happening right now, and I don't know how to...cope. Keep doing this. Keep smiling. Keep stretching further.
I'm tired, and I'm angry, and I hurt, and I just want relief, a break, help, anything.
Im totally being a whiner. I don't know where my apostrophes keep running off to. I think I'll borrow my son's teddy bear and try to enjoy oblivion for a while before finding out what new crap I'll have to face tomorrow. I don't know why God is pushing me so hard...there's surely a reason...isn't there?
Last edited by a moderator:
W
If it is any comfort whatsoever, you are not the first person to feel that way. Even Solomon, who we consider wise, struggled a lot, just read Ecclesiastes ,he pretty much says that life is meaningless, and we just don't get what its about.
[SUP]16 [/SUP]When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe the labor that is done on earth—people getting no sleep day or night— [SUP]17 [/SUP]then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all their efforts to search it out, no one can discover its meaning. Even if the wise claim they know, they cannot really comprehend it.
[SUP]16 [/SUP]When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe the labor that is done on earth—people getting no sleep day or night— [SUP]17 [/SUP]then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all their efforts to search it out, no one can discover its meaning. Even if the wise claim they know, they cannot really comprehend it.
M
I'm better...ish. I dunno. I won't be freaking people out with anymore sleepy emotional episodes, anyway. Maybe.
I'm entering the day...wary. Like when you walk into a haunted house and know that something is about to jump out at you, but you're not sure exactly what.
Whatever it turns out to be today, I just hope I don't scream like a little girl.
...coffeeeeeee...
I'm entering the day...wary. Like when you walk into a haunted house and know that something is about to jump out at you, but you're not sure exactly what.
Whatever it turns out to be today, I just hope I don't scream like a little girl.
...coffeeeeeee...
M
My mother called me a little while ago. She informed me that she would be more than willing to have my kids come live with her since I can't handle being a mom right now.
...
I never asked her to do that. I never told her I couldn't handle it. I can't even figure out why she thinks taking my kids away from me would even make any sense.
I said, "Thanks, but no thanks. We're fine."
She said I obviously need help.
Yes...but that isn't helpful. And I don't understand how, if she doesn't have the time now just to lend me a hand every so often, she would suddenly have the time to raise two small children.
She doesn't want to help me at all...everything she's done since March has been to cut me and pour salt in the wound.
I think I'm more angry about this latest slap in the face than the others combined. Take away something that makes me happy...I'll survive. Abandon me when I'm struggling...I'll survive. Tell me I'm not doing what a wife should do...whatever. But then, having done all this and contributed to the chaos and pain I'm experiencing now, to tell me that I am a bad mother BECAUSE I'm experiencing this pain and try to get me to give up my babies....
I'm done. If this is how things are going to go, if that's really what she thinks of me and how she's going to treat me...I've got to get out of here. These people are poison.
...
I never asked her to do that. I never told her I couldn't handle it. I can't even figure out why she thinks taking my kids away from me would even make any sense.
I said, "Thanks, but no thanks. We're fine."
She said I obviously need help.
Yes...but that isn't helpful. And I don't understand how, if she doesn't have the time now just to lend me a hand every so often, she would suddenly have the time to raise two small children.
She doesn't want to help me at all...everything she's done since March has been to cut me and pour salt in the wound.
I think I'm more angry about this latest slap in the face than the others combined. Take away something that makes me happy...I'll survive. Abandon me when I'm struggling...I'll survive. Tell me I'm not doing what a wife should do...whatever. But then, having done all this and contributed to the chaos and pain I'm experiencing now, to tell me that I am a bad mother BECAUSE I'm experiencing this pain and try to get me to give up my babies....
I'm done. If this is how things are going to go, if that's really what she thinks of me and how she's going to treat me...I've got to get out of here. These people are poison.
wow, i'm so very sorry. *hugs*
sometimes when one wants to control others, they only offer any kind of help on their terms. which is mostly the opposite of help and love.
help and love is being useful in the context of what the person needs. and this isn't helpful.
however, in my experience, people who do this stuff don't do it because they choose to be controlling or unhelpful. they are simply incapable of doing differently at this time.
i've had to deal with lots of this kind of stuff in my life, and things became progressively easier when i could accept that my mother was simply incapable of being loving and supportive person.
her ability to unselfishly love is a dusty, arid, empty well and that it's not reasonable to expect that to change anytime soon.
hard to see, much harder to accept. but at least i know what to expect and that i can stop blaming myself for things out of my control, things not personal, and things that reflect her issues, not mine.
instead, i try to focus on the good that she can and does have in my life, and how she can be useful to me and others in my family (however small that is). or in the limited ways that our relationship can work.
sometimes when one wants to control others, they only offer any kind of help on their terms. which is mostly the opposite of help and love.
help and love is being useful in the context of what the person needs. and this isn't helpful.
however, in my experience, people who do this stuff don't do it because they choose to be controlling or unhelpful. they are simply incapable of doing differently at this time.
i've had to deal with lots of this kind of stuff in my life, and things became progressively easier when i could accept that my mother was simply incapable of being loving and supportive person.
her ability to unselfishly love is a dusty, arid, empty well and that it's not reasonable to expect that to change anytime soon.
hard to see, much harder to accept. but at least i know what to expect and that i can stop blaming myself for things out of my control, things not personal, and things that reflect her issues, not mine.
instead, i try to focus on the good that she can and does have in my life, and how she can be useful to me and others in my family (however small that is). or in the limited ways that our relationship can work.
Last edited:
Everyday I tell myself that I have to get out of here too and I am just going through a fraction of all the stuff you have been through. You are not a bad mother. The struggles you write about are similar in the lives of others but they lack the courage and the confidence to share the bad parts with anyone else for the fear that they may appear weak and lack faith. Your faith in God is strong, your are certainly not weak, and God is performing a mighty work through the brave person that you already are.
Tourist has a good point about other's not sharing their struggles and that you're a good Mom. I remember when my kids were toddlers, I had a rough time, pull my hair out kind of time. It's so stressful, being a parent involves stress, but toddler age is hard. Doing it by yourself is doubly hard I'm sure.
Everyone with kids could use help, every parent has their moments when they want to throw their hands in the air and say, I quit.
Everyone with kids could use help, every parent has their moments when they want to throw their hands in the air and say, I quit.
I
I'm sorry to hear about all this stuff yer' going through right now Cristen..I truly am. I wish I had some words that would magically make you feel better or be able to cope with things w/out them being painful. I'm sure you get sick of me telling you to just trust in God & seek Him,but that's all I,myself knows to do so that I don't lose my mind.
I would love to comfort you,give you a big hug..spend 12 hours on the phone with you making you laugh & helping forget the pain of the day,but we both know that isn't the solution,and wouldn't be helpful to either of us. I'm sure there's a line around the block of CC men that want to take you under their wing & protect you from all this stuff yer' dealing with,and you might even find some comfort in that too,but what you really need is God,and some strong wonderful Christian sisters who can give you that encouragement & comfort right now. Women who will drop everything if you called them & asked them to pray with you,or just listen.
I mentioned to you before that the attitude of many in your family is poison...they themselves aren't,but much of their actions towards you are,and maybe you don't need to leave the area,but maybe you just need some space from them,until you feel you are strong enough to handle their constant bombardment of cruelty directed at you.
You are in my prayers...always! You are loved by many here..and most of all,by your Creator.
I would love to comfort you,give you a big hug..spend 12 hours on the phone with you making you laugh & helping forget the pain of the day,but we both know that isn't the solution,and wouldn't be helpful to either of us. I'm sure there's a line around the block of CC men that want to take you under their wing & protect you from all this stuff yer' dealing with,and you might even find some comfort in that too,but what you really need is God,and some strong wonderful Christian sisters who can give you that encouragement & comfort right now. Women who will drop everything if you called them & asked them to pray with you,or just listen.
I mentioned to you before that the attitude of many in your family is poison...they themselves aren't,but much of their actions towards you are,and maybe you don't need to leave the area,but maybe you just need some space from them,until you feel you are strong enough to handle their constant bombardment of cruelty directed at you.
You are in my prayers...always! You are loved by many here..and most of all,by your Creator.
U
I know this may sound like some sappy platitude just to make you feel better. It's not.
You're an awesome mom, Cristen. Awesome doesn't mean perfect, just doing your best because you love your children and you do everything in your power for them. You are 100 x's the parent your mother ever was. You turned out so great, not because of her, but in spite of her. Don't let her poison (good word) get to you. Satan see's you're slipping from his grasp and he's fighting it. Come at you from every angle. Just trust that God is still in control. And maybe this is a chance to begin purging your life of some people.
I support your choice to keep your kids, and i'm sure most here who know you will agree. Not sure if that means anything or not, but it's there either way.
You're an awesome mom, Cristen. Awesome doesn't mean perfect, just doing your best because you love your children and you do everything in your power for them. You are 100 x's the parent your mother ever was. You turned out so great, not because of her, but in spite of her. Don't let her poison (good word) get to you. Satan see's you're slipping from his grasp and he's fighting it. Come at you from every angle. Just trust that God is still in control. And maybe this is a chance to begin purging your life of some people.
I support your choice to keep your kids, and i'm sure most here who know you will agree. Not sure if that means anything or not, but it's there either way.
M
Jim...
it's ok. It's all going to be ok. I know none of those things would help for long. Much as I miss laughing with you, much as that lifts my spirits for a while...at the end of the day, all my problems are still here and the only way to change that is for me to work through them one at a time with God. So I don't expect you to try to help that way...you've already done so much and I'm grateful for it. Prayer...that stuff is powerful...and that's the only thing I ask of you, to please continue to pray for me.
I would also like to point out the absurdity of your statement about the men being lined up around the block...you know I don't live on a proper city block
In so many ways, I feel like God is taking away all of the refuges I once had...it's awful and it's scary and it hurts because many of those refuges were family...and I'm finding I don't even have that. For whatever reason, I think God wants me to be forced into relying mainly on myself; it makes sense, given the path I've chosen. I know I can do it. I know I'm resourceful and smart and have talents that will help me. I've just never really used those gifts before to their full potential. They're there, but right now they're weak. I'll find ways to utilize them though, because that's what I've got left- the things God has blessed me with, and God Himself.
I've even started to see why He is throwing so much at me at once; if He did this all slowly, would I learn what I need to learn quickly enough for it to help me in the tough times I'm about to face as a single mom? No. And I'm also just one of those people who needs to be pushed, cornered, before I show my strength. It's all kinda crappy right now...but I'm starting to see a little of the bigger picture.
God has really blessed me with you guys here. I can laugh with y'all, cry with you or "in front of" you, ask a million questions, vent, pray...and nobody tells me to get lost it means a lot to me.
it's ok. It's all going to be ok. I know none of those things would help for long. Much as I miss laughing with you, much as that lifts my spirits for a while...at the end of the day, all my problems are still here and the only way to change that is for me to work through them one at a time with God. So I don't expect you to try to help that way...you've already done so much and I'm grateful for it. Prayer...that stuff is powerful...and that's the only thing I ask of you, to please continue to pray for me.
I would also like to point out the absurdity of your statement about the men being lined up around the block...you know I don't live on a proper city block
In so many ways, I feel like God is taking away all of the refuges I once had...it's awful and it's scary and it hurts because many of those refuges were family...and I'm finding I don't even have that. For whatever reason, I think God wants me to be forced into relying mainly on myself; it makes sense, given the path I've chosen. I know I can do it. I know I'm resourceful and smart and have talents that will help me. I've just never really used those gifts before to their full potential. They're there, but right now they're weak. I'll find ways to utilize them though, because that's what I've got left- the things God has blessed me with, and God Himself.
I've even started to see why He is throwing so much at me at once; if He did this all slowly, would I learn what I need to learn quickly enough for it to help me in the tough times I'm about to face as a single mom? No. And I'm also just one of those people who needs to be pushed, cornered, before I show my strength. It's all kinda crappy right now...but I'm starting to see a little of the bigger picture.
God has really blessed me with you guys here. I can laugh with y'all, cry with you or "in front of" you, ask a million questions, vent, pray...and nobody tells me to get lost
it means a lot to me.