Am I asking too much?

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hope4us

Guest
#1
#1
Shortly after I left my husband (for emotional abuse), he cheated on me. He confessed this very quickly after we agreed we would not get divorced but would remain separated. Since then, he has cheated 2 more times (with different women), which he recently confessed (about a year after the fact). We are working toward reconciling and moving back in together and he has been supportive in handling my reaction to these recent confessions. However, he admitted to bringing at least one of those women to our/his house. I told him I wasn't sure I could go back to the house. He doesn't think he can manage a move financially. Is my request unreasonable? Please offer your advice, thoughts, what you did. I think this could be a deal breaker for him and me.
 
Yet

Yet

Banned
#2
Jan 4, 2014
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#2
Probably not unreasonable, but maybe unattainable. Has he truly repented is the real question? In your heart of hearts do you believe one way or the other. I'm speaking my own mind, not in the Spirit.
 
JesusLives

JesusLives

Senior Member
#3
Oct 11, 2013
14,554
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#3
I might be wrong but the fact he cheated is to me the big issue. If you really want to reconcile with him what difference does it make that he cheated in that house? It is not the houses problem it is his problem and if you are willing to accept him again then you need to forgive and forget what he did in the house and what he did to you. Other wise how can you really move on and live with him again? You will never trust him and the house quite frankly had nothing to do with the cheating.

Praying that you will be able to move forward in whatever plans you decide and may God bless you abundantly in your walk with Him.
 
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hope4us

Guest
#4
#4
Thank You. I don't know if he's truly repented. I can't separate his borderline tendencies from what sometimes seems to be unrepentance.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#5
Mar 13, 2014
42,717
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70
Tennessee
#5
hope4us said:
Shortly after I left my husband (for emotional abuse), he cheated on me. He confessed this very quickly after we agreed we would not get divorced but would remain separated. Since then, he has cheated 2 more times (with different women), which he recently confessed (about a year after the fact). We are working toward reconciling and moving back in together and he has been supportive in handling my reaction to these recent confessions. However, he admitted to bringing at least one of those women to our/his house. I told him I wasn't sure I could go back to the house. He doesn't think he can manage a move financially. Is my request unreasonable? Please offer your advice, thoughts, what you did. I think this could be a deal breaker for him and me.
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Let me get one thing straight. Your husband was the one who broke the deal by betraying your trust and his complete disregard of the marriage vows. He is the one who needs to leave the house because he is the one who destroyed the home. Forget about his financial problems because they are just beginning. I would file the papers tomorrow and also get a protective order forcing this piece of trash out of your house. Unfaithfulness is always a deal breaker. Ask the Lord to steer you to a good divorce lawyer. I have prayed for your situation. I find it heartbreaking. Do not allow your own heart to be broken further. You need peace in your heart and you will never find it if you remain in this "marriage".
 
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hope4us

Guest
#6
#6
Well, there are 2 big issues. Emotional abuse, which occured in the house and leaves me with high anxiety in certain rooms. And, yes, now the affairs are the big issue. I was willing to move back in to the house and battle the feelings associated with the emotional abuse but now I have to fight off this too. It's so much. It's good to hear your response. It helps to separate the issues.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#7
Feb 21, 2014
70,934
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#7
hope4us said:
Shortly after I left my husband (for emotional abuse), he cheated on me. He confessed this very quickly after we agreed we would not get divorced but would remain separated. Since then, he has cheated 2 more times (with different women), which he recently confessed (about a year after the fact). We are working toward reconciling and moving back in together and he has been supportive in handling my reaction to these recent confessions. However, he admitted to bringing at least one of those women to our/his house. I told him I wasn't sure I could go back to the house. He doesn't think he can manage a move financially. Is my request unreasonable? Please offer your advice, thoughts, what you did. I think this could be a deal breaker for him and me.
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hope4us, once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater!! This man has cheated on you THREE TIMES!! Not to mention, he brought at least one of those women to your house!! And most likely, slept with her in your bed!! I know I could'nt (and would not want to) return back to that house. He cheated, he's unfaithful, and will continue to be unfaithful as long as you remain married to him. The one exception God allows for divorce is adultery. File divorce papers on his sorry butt and boot him to the curb!! Then try to move on with your own life because you deserve so much better.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#8
May 3, 2013
8,719
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#8
I will show how I feel / think on that. Yours are the decisions:

If I´m married and someone does that, I will be "sure" two things: I´m not liked, I don´t have what the other seeks (or lacks) and, if "she" had another my own room, "she" deserves NOT my trust.

I know what I have done. My mom has told me many things, as well too many people I knew. For instances, few moths back an ex GF wnated me to help sort a problem in her house (she said it was a job I would do) but, asap, I know what it could have been and, knowing she had another... Why calling me? (I don´t mind being viewed as a "fool") but I don´t share what it is supposed to be only mine.

Trust can be (re-)built (and dealt) but what are the "reasons" a deal breaker had to keep on doing a mistake like that?

(I was one of those, so I don´t give a 3 chance). :(

I don´t have too much time to give them a break.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#9
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
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#9
blue_ladybug said:

hope4us, once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater!! This man has cheated on you THREE TIMES!! Not to mention, he brought at least one of those women to your house!! And most likely, slept with her in your bed!! I know I could'nt (and would not want to) return back to that house. He cheated, he's unfaithful, and will continue to be unfaithful as long as you remain married to him. The one exception God allows for divorce is adultery. File divorce papers on his sorry butt and boot him to the curb!! Then try to move on with your own life because you deserve so much better.
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Wow! By the time I wrote mine I wasnt aware you had written the same...

Hope she hear you, instead of me (That hurts! because I felt that kick one day) and faithful women do not need to pay it back that way. Get your freedom to live free of concern: We wre called to live in peace.
 
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jogoldie

Senior Member
#10
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#10
Hey ms. Hope..I have been were you are.........the house is just a house......but my concern is... when my husband did
this to me I couldnt get it out of my mind.....always to surface when we had arguments....or if he left the house alone...
Questioning if he would fall again.....when I said I forgive I meant it.....but the forgetting is also what we are suppose to
do......I struggled with that......ultimately we did divorce.....violence was also a factor for me.....another reason for
my divorce.....so you need to pray for what God wants you to do....but you need to ask yourself ....can you forget .....
if you can then I think you have a good chance to have a marriage that will survive....
I will pray for your peace and joy.......if you would like to pm me ...I will be happy to share....
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#11
Feb 21, 2014
70,934
9,676
113
#11
secularhermit said:
Wow! By the time I wrote mine I wasnt aware you had written the same...

Hope she hear you, instead of me (That hurts! because I felt that kick one day) and faithful women do not need to pay it back that way. Get your freedom to live free of concern: We wre called to live in peace.
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secularhermit, I'm hoping she will hear both of us, because your post gave good advice too. :) Trust in a relationship is a key factor. Without it, there IS NO relationship!! This guy will never quit his cheating ways. Its better that she gets out now instead of a dozen heartbreaks later.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#12
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#12
tourist said:
Let me get one thing straight. Your husband was the one who broke the deal by betraying your trust and his complete disregard of the marriage vows. He is the one who needs to leave the house because he is the one who destroyed the home. Forget about his financial problems because they are just beginning. I would file the papers tomorrow and also get a protective order forcing this piece of trash out of your house. Unfaithfulness is always a deal breaker. Ask the Lord to steer you to a good divorce lawyer. I have prayed for your situation. I find it heartbreaking. Do not allow your own heart to be broken further. You need peace in your heart and you will never find it if you remain in this "marriage".
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I guess cheating is somewhat linked to porn, sex-addiction, selfishness because, once it is done, the mind "believes" she is so important, so "sexy" and attractive.

God! Help us all to be healed from that vanity.
 
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secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#13
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#13
blue_ladybug said:

secularhermit, I'm hoping she will hear both of us, because your post gave good advice too. :) Trust in a relationship is a key factor. Without it, there IS NO relationship!! This guy will never quit his cheating ways. Its better that she gets out now instead of a dozen heartbreaks later.
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Hope she listens to the Holy Spirit, instead! Because GOD might have a plan I don´t see, but She is smart enough to hear a person like you.
 
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Jackson123

Senior Member
#14
Feb 6, 2014
11,769
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#14
The best way is praying and fasting, ask the Lord direction.
 
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Cairparavel

Guest
#15
#15
are there children involved? the custody battle could get really ugly if you "kicked him to the curb" so to speak.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#16
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#16
JesusLives said:
I might be wrong but the fact he cheated is to me the big issue. If you really want to reconcile with him what difference does it make that he cheated in that house? It is not the houses problem it is his problem and if you are willing to accept him again then you need to forgive and forget what he did in the house and what he did to you. Other wise how can you really move on and live with him again? You will never trust him and the house quite frankly had nothing to do with the cheating.

Praying that you will be able to move forward in whatever plans you decide and may God bless you abundantly in your walk with Him.
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As a matter of respect, if any person fart in front of me i have two or more options on how to react.

If I lacked the respect to do something wrong, even in front of those things that are important to "the victim", I show too little consideration like these Paul´s words mentioned: "... And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done... " Rom 1:28-32

I will not use a public site as a toilet... When something was done, wrongly, I paid attention to the place, at least. And, during 13 years of marriage, I physcally cheated on one time, though my mind felt the same way several dozens more.

That can be forgiven! the problems are living with that risk (which might lead to "spiritual" STDs that can reach others inside my family).
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#17
May 29, 2013
9,166
1,797
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#17
I'm really sorry to hear about this. I think your request is very understandable. But sometimes it's hard to sell a house really fast. If you price it right, you may be able to if your financial situation allows for it and you have another place to live. But if you can't sell it, would sleeping in a different room from before make things better?
 
E

Esanta

Banned
#18
Jun 18, 2014
755
3
0
#18
hope4us said:
Shortly after I left my husband (for emotional abuse), he cheated on me. He confessed this very quickly after we agreed we would not get divorced but would remain separated. Since then, he has cheated 2 more times (with different women), which he recently confessed (about a year after the fact). We are working toward reconciling and moving back in together and he has been supportive in handling my reaction to these recent confessions. However, he admitted to bringing at least one of those women to our/his house. I told him I wasn't sure I could go back to the house. He doesn't think he can manage a move financially. Is my request unreasonable? Please offer your advice, thoughts, what you did. I think this could be a deal breaker for him and me.
Click to expand...
Well, the request is emotionally fair; you want a clean break of sorts, not to have to go back to that house. I can understand that. However, if it's not viable financially then it's not viable financially. There's not a lot you can do about that. But I have a feeling you already knew that. The financial unsuitability of a move would be a great excuse to cut ties though. And I could also understand if you wanted to do that, too.
 
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Faith_Hope_Love

Guest
#19
#19
Lord, please guide our sister as You have guided many of us during the trouble in her marriage. I pray that she will look to You and find all the answers in You for only You can help us. Enlarge her faith to believe that with You all things are possible.

Please reassure her when she sees a thousand fall on her right side and ten thousand at her left; help her to know that if she follows You, it will not happen to her (see Ps. 91:7). Hide her under your protective wings."

Help her to find the narrow path that will lead her to life, the abundant life you have for her and for her family. Lord, I pray for a testimony that you can use for Your glory when this troubled or broken marriage is healed and restored! We will give You all the honor and the glory. Amen.

All is not lost. God can and will restore your marriage. Please visit MarriageHelpOnline.com or click the link:

https://sites.google.com/a/rmiewfell.../marriage-help

I recommend the book "How God can and will restore Your marriage."

I pray that visiting this site will guide you to the answers and help you are looking for. God led me to their site as well and I never looked back. Dear sister, there is hope! God is faithful! He will guide you in this journey. Nothing is impossible with God!! Amen!
 
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coachcj

Guest
#20
#20
Simple advice: While the house might be an important issue for you, as it might hold negative memories. I am thinking the bigger issue is with the emotional abuse and cheating tendencies? Don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of transformation and I know that people can change for the better, but I think you should also be concerned about the main issue: Emotional abuse and cheating. What steps are both of you taking to resolve these? Just asking, don't mean you should respond here.
 
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