S
Hello. I am a 61-year old Christian male living in So. CA. I am a musician (Bass/Vocals) on my church praise team. I am also a life & health insurance agent.
I have had my share of ups and downs in life, but have always pressed forward with and by the grace of God. I am extremely thankful for Jesus dying on the cross for my sins and for living in my life. I try to rely on Him in every minute of my life.
Back in February of 2013, I had a prayer session with God in which I cried out (Literally) to Him asking Him to bring a lady into my life who I could love and cherish. I have always heard that we should pray specifically when we pray, and I asked Him for exactly what I felt I wanted in a lady. I was sincere and expectant that He would bring this to pass. .
On March 10, 2013, I met (Let's call her Jane). We began talking after church and began meeting after church on Sundays to talk more. We found these conversations lasting 11 and 12+ hours. And she quizzed me unmercilessly on every facet of my past relationships and I told her the truth. At one point, God even used me to pray for healing in her hand, which He accomplished. We have been dating (No sex involved) for almost 1&1/2 years now.
I have been there for her in every way possible since then, even taking care of her every need for a 10-day period when she could not even move due to back pain, and overseeing the demolition (I did the demolition and wall preparation myself)/procurement of the cabinet builder and painter of her new kitchen, the installation of new windows, doors/ shutters and repairs around her house, to name just a few things.
She told me not long after we began dating that I have her heart. She tell me that she loves me and I tell her that I love her, although I am always the first to say that. We do everything together. I honor her in every way. I am a gentleman, an encourager and she is in my heart all of the time.
When we met, I was at a place of numbness in my Christian walk. Oh, I went to church and played on the praise team, but that's about it. You see, I had been close to many Christian pastors/worship leaders over the years and I had seen too much and been hurt as a result, not knowing if I could trust God and Christianity, etc.
But she was firm with me and brought me out of that mindset (Really, a heartset) over time. And I have told her in no uncertain terms that God used her to do this and I have also thanked her for being obedient to God because no one (Other relationships) has ever been able to reach deep within me like that. Everyone around me (From my pastors on down) has seen the positive changes in me.
The thing that I don't understand is that, during this entire time, she has been critical of me for almost everything I do or say or the clothes I wear, my posture, weight, what I eat/drink, and virtually everything that is "me." I have listened to everything she has told me and have made every effort to implement each item because I always want to improve.
But that is not enough for her; lately she is being critical about my walk with God, telling me that she doesn't see me making any progress with God. She also said twice now that her prayers for me are being wasted. I truly do not understand why she is making these accusations; I read my Bible every day, I do not drink, smoke, so drugs - she is the only lady I want in my life - there is no one else that I am even remotely pursuing.
She is repeating her accusations about things I have said in the past which she felt should have been handled differently; a great example of this, is that our church is a new church. The members of the praise team, of which I am a member, have played together for years (There was an unfortunate church split), but I always kept my distance as far as them knowing me that well; in other words, they have not known much about me except that I was there and faithful.
Our pastor requested that we, as a praise team, try to get closer as a team. So on rehearsal nights (Beginning a couple of months ago), we would pick a word, such as "discipline" or "obedience" along with Bible verses pertaining to that word. Each of us would speak about what that word meant in our life and how God had changed us and brought us to a higher level in Him. All of us opened up to each other.
I opened up in a couple of these sessions, talking about some things in my past because I felt God's presence and because I felt comfortable. After that, I was totally accepted in the group because (I believe) the other members realized that I was for real and that I had encountered struggles in my life which God had helped me to overcome in the name of Jesus! And I thank Him for that all of the time...
But Jane feels that I talked too much and that since I am older (The other members are in their 20s and 30s, that I should never do that as I should be an example to them and that now I have exposed too much of my humanity (My words) to them. I asked my pastor about this, and he told me that everyone on the praise team is very happy with the changes they have seen in me and that they respect me even more than before.
So now that she keeps bringing this up at different times, my response to her is that I understand what she has told me, and that I have backed off of saying anything more to these people. I asked her why won't she just pray for me, that God will change me and direct me? She told me that her prayers for me are wasted. She told me that she wants a "man" in her life, and I told her that I need a "woman" in my life who is an encourager and who prays for me to change into the man God wants me to be for her instead of trying to force me into changing at her demand.
I also told her that she is putting herself into the position of being my judge, when God only is my judge, and she then denies that she is judging me. It is if she is trying to goad me into being angry, and I will admit that it is irritating when I have done everything within my power to love her, care for her (Again, no sex is involved) in every way, court her, tell her that I love her, do all I can for her, acting entirely from the deep recesses of my heart, and this is the outcome...
This is just one example - most of the time, she is incredibly great, but then she goes off on these tangents out of the blue, and when I get frustrated and defend myself, she says that I have an anger issue. I feel like I just can't win...
Recently, I have asked God to take her out of my life if she is not the lady He wants me to have. I asked Him to give me the lady that HE wants me to have - no more of me stating what I want! I do truly love her, so I absolutely would love to get this worked out if it is His will.
I truly love her - the interesting thing is that I have never asked her to change one thing about her (Except her accusations toward me) because I love her just the way she is (I think she is fantastic in virtually every way), yet she has always sought to change almost everything about me, and as I mentioned above, I have made every effort to comply for many reasons.
And I readily admit that I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but I know Who is and I am doing my best to serve Him every day.
I am at a loss - does anyone have any advice about how I should proceed other than to wait on God? I am praying for His will above mine.
I have had my share of ups and downs in life, but have always pressed forward with and by the grace of God. I am extremely thankful for Jesus dying on the cross for my sins and for living in my life. I try to rely on Him in every minute of my life.
Back in February of 2013, I had a prayer session with God in which I cried out (Literally) to Him asking Him to bring a lady into my life who I could love and cherish. I have always heard that we should pray specifically when we pray, and I asked Him for exactly what I felt I wanted in a lady. I was sincere and expectant that He would bring this to pass. .
On March 10, 2013, I met (Let's call her Jane). We began talking after church and began meeting after church on Sundays to talk more. We found these conversations lasting 11 and 12+ hours. And she quizzed me unmercilessly on every facet of my past relationships and I told her the truth. At one point, God even used me to pray for healing in her hand, which He accomplished. We have been dating (No sex involved) for almost 1&1/2 years now.
I have been there for her in every way possible since then, even taking care of her every need for a 10-day period when she could not even move due to back pain, and overseeing the demolition (I did the demolition and wall preparation myself)/procurement of the cabinet builder and painter of her new kitchen, the installation of new windows, doors/ shutters and repairs around her house, to name just a few things.
She told me not long after we began dating that I have her heart. She tell me that she loves me and I tell her that I love her, although I am always the first to say that. We do everything together. I honor her in every way. I am a gentleman, an encourager and she is in my heart all of the time.
When we met, I was at a place of numbness in my Christian walk. Oh, I went to church and played on the praise team, but that's about it. You see, I had been close to many Christian pastors/worship leaders over the years and I had seen too much and been hurt as a result, not knowing if I could trust God and Christianity, etc.
But she was firm with me and brought me out of that mindset (Really, a heartset) over time. And I have told her in no uncertain terms that God used her to do this and I have also thanked her for being obedient to God because no one (Other relationships) has ever been able to reach deep within me like that. Everyone around me (From my pastors on down) has seen the positive changes in me.
The thing that I don't understand is that, during this entire time, she has been critical of me for almost everything I do or say or the clothes I wear, my posture, weight, what I eat/drink, and virtually everything that is "me." I have listened to everything she has told me and have made every effort to implement each item because I always want to improve.
But that is not enough for her; lately she is being critical about my walk with God, telling me that she doesn't see me making any progress with God. She also said twice now that her prayers for me are being wasted. I truly do not understand why she is making these accusations; I read my Bible every day, I do not drink, smoke, so drugs - she is the only lady I want in my life - there is no one else that I am even remotely pursuing.
She is repeating her accusations about things I have said in the past which she felt should have been handled differently; a great example of this, is that our church is a new church. The members of the praise team, of which I am a member, have played together for years (There was an unfortunate church split), but I always kept my distance as far as them knowing me that well; in other words, they have not known much about me except that I was there and faithful.
Our pastor requested that we, as a praise team, try to get closer as a team. So on rehearsal nights (Beginning a couple of months ago), we would pick a word, such as "discipline" or "obedience" along with Bible verses pertaining to that word. Each of us would speak about what that word meant in our life and how God had changed us and brought us to a higher level in Him. All of us opened up to each other.
I opened up in a couple of these sessions, talking about some things in my past because I felt God's presence and because I felt comfortable. After that, I was totally accepted in the group because (I believe) the other members realized that I was for real and that I had encountered struggles in my life which God had helped me to overcome in the name of Jesus! And I thank Him for that all of the time...
But Jane feels that I talked too much and that since I am older (The other members are in their 20s and 30s, that I should never do that as I should be an example to them and that now I have exposed too much of my humanity (My words) to them. I asked my pastor about this, and he told me that everyone on the praise team is very happy with the changes they have seen in me and that they respect me even more than before.
So now that she keeps bringing this up at different times, my response to her is that I understand what she has told me, and that I have backed off of saying anything more to these people. I asked her why won't she just pray for me, that God will change me and direct me? She told me that her prayers for me are wasted. She told me that she wants a "man" in her life, and I told her that I need a "woman" in my life who is an encourager and who prays for me to change into the man God wants me to be for her instead of trying to force me into changing at her demand.
I also told her that she is putting herself into the position of being my judge, when God only is my judge, and she then denies that she is judging me. It is if she is trying to goad me into being angry, and I will admit that it is irritating when I have done everything within my power to love her, care for her (Again, no sex is involved) in every way, court her, tell her that I love her, do all I can for her, acting entirely from the deep recesses of my heart, and this is the outcome...
This is just one example - most of the time, she is incredibly great, but then she goes off on these tangents out of the blue, and when I get frustrated and defend myself, she says that I have an anger issue. I feel like I just can't win...
Recently, I have asked God to take her out of my life if she is not the lady He wants me to have. I asked Him to give me the lady that HE wants me to have - no more of me stating what I want! I do truly love her, so I absolutely would love to get this worked out if it is His will.
I truly love her - the interesting thing is that I have never asked her to change one thing about her (Except her accusations toward me) because I love her just the way she is (I think she is fantastic in virtually every way), yet she has always sought to change almost everything about me, and as I mentioned above, I have made every effort to comply for many reasons.
And I readily admit that I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but I know Who is and I am doing my best to serve Him every day.
I am at a loss - does anyone have any advice about how I should proceed other than to wait on God? I am praying for His will above mine.
