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M
Totally. Freaking. Out. Right now.
So...the apartment complex that I live in has had a cockroach problem for yeeears (my sister used to live in a different building out here, and she had them BAD). When I was signing the lease, the manager warned me about it; she said it makes no difference whether a person's apartment is spotless or a pigsty, the cockroaches will come in. Supposedly the building I live in hadn't ever reported a problem with them- so she told me not to worry about it.
I keep this place pretty stinkin' clean- floors and surfaces are always clean, dishes are done (nearly) every night, trash goes out quick (if it doesn't for some reason, I triple bag it because...diapers...gag).
A little while ago, I went in the kitchen to wash the dinner dishes, and TA-DA!!! Big black beetley bug crawls out from under a pan. I blasted it with scalding water and sent it down the garbage disposal with a large dose of bleach that was unnecessary but made me feel better before I could determine if it was actually a cockroach or just a nasty beetle that came in through the improperly screened window. I've seen cockroaches before; they don't get huge here...but I can't remember exactly what they look like.
I went on a cleaning rampage- threw out barely expired food in the fridge, took out the trash, washed dishes, bleached the whole kitchen and the bathroom, vacuumed even though I just vacuumed this evening...I went crazy. A lot crazy. Didn't come across any other bugs except a moth who's been keeping me company while I watched music videos.
And when I ran out of things to clean, I started bawling. I still can't get it under control. I was already feeling all sad and pathetic, and then this...what kind of mother moves her kids into a place with a cockroach infestation? I just feel...really helpless. I know, it was just a stupid bug, but...what if there are more? I remember what it was like for my sister, it was a constant battle to keep the dang things out, it was horrible for her and she felt like a terrible mom and there wasn't anything much she could DO. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to live HERE.
And I'm angry, LIVID, that it's come to this at all. I had a HOME. I had...a husband, and my babies, and cats, and a vegetable garden and pretty flowers...and now I have...a two bedroom, south-facing, third-floor apartment that smells like the people that used to live here no matter what I do and gets too hot and will probably be crawling with cockroaches soon. It shouldn't BE this way! Why, WHY, could I not just ignore the problems, let words bounce off of me? Why couldn't he have just been...a MAN, and cared for us the way he should have? Why couldn't I just shut my stupid mouth and keep a smile plastered on my face and dealt with it?
I feel...cheated. Like I had found a beautiful, perfect piece of fruit, only to cut it open and find it was full of worms.
Every time I start feeling a little better, a little stronger, I get set back. I get angry or lonely or scared and...it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I can't...I can't keep fighting so much at once. The anger. The fear. The temptation to just accept someone's offer of company, just to not be so damn alone.
Ugh, I got tears on the inside of my glasses. Bah. BAH!!
So...the apartment complex that I live in has had a cockroach problem for yeeears (my sister used to live in a different building out here, and she had them BAD). When I was signing the lease, the manager warned me about it; she said it makes no difference whether a person's apartment is spotless or a pigsty, the cockroaches will come in. Supposedly the building I live in hadn't ever reported a problem with them- so she told me not to worry about it.
I keep this place pretty stinkin' clean- floors and surfaces are always clean, dishes are done (nearly) every night, trash goes out quick (if it doesn't for some reason, I triple bag it because...diapers...gag).
A little while ago, I went in the kitchen to wash the dinner dishes, and TA-DA!!! Big black beetley bug crawls out from under a pan. I blasted it with scalding water and sent it down the garbage disposal with a large dose of bleach that was unnecessary but made me feel better before I could determine if it was actually a cockroach or just a nasty beetle that came in through the improperly screened window. I've seen cockroaches before; they don't get huge here...but I can't remember exactly what they look like.
I went on a cleaning rampage- threw out barely expired food in the fridge, took out the trash, washed dishes, bleached the whole kitchen and the bathroom, vacuumed even though I just vacuumed this evening...I went crazy. A lot crazy. Didn't come across any other bugs except a moth who's been keeping me company while I watched music videos.
And when I ran out of things to clean, I started bawling. I still can't get it under control. I was already feeling all sad and pathetic, and then this...what kind of mother moves her kids into a place with a cockroach infestation? I just feel...really helpless. I know, it was just a stupid bug, but...what if there are more? I remember what it was like for my sister, it was a constant battle to keep the dang things out, it was horrible for her and she felt like a terrible mom and there wasn't anything much she could DO. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to live HERE.
And I'm angry, LIVID, that it's come to this at all. I had a HOME. I had...a husband, and my babies, and cats, and a vegetable garden and pretty flowers...and now I have...a two bedroom, south-facing, third-floor apartment that smells like the people that used to live here no matter what I do and gets too hot and will probably be crawling with cockroaches soon. It shouldn't BE this way! Why, WHY, could I not just ignore the problems, let words bounce off of me? Why couldn't he have just been...a MAN, and cared for us the way he should have? Why couldn't I just shut my stupid mouth and keep a smile plastered on my face and dealt with it?
I feel...cheated. Like I had found a beautiful, perfect piece of fruit, only to cut it open and find it was full of worms.
Every time I start feeling a little better, a little stronger, I get set back. I get angry or lonely or scared and...it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I can't...I can't keep fighting so much at once. The anger. The fear. The temptation to just accept someone's offer of company, just to not be so damn alone.
Ugh, I got tears on the inside of my glasses. Bah. BAH!!
T
Oh, Cristen. I'm almost crying. You're a brilliant, godly mum and more. I wish you could see that. That you could see yourself as God sees you. I won't say much more because such things easily become trite, but I'll be praying for you and that you continue to find healing in Christ. That you persevere despite all odds. That you can find others to help you in your 'valley' moments in life. And have a good cry, if necessary. I know I sometimes do. Bless you, sister. We all love you! 
My heart aches for you and with you, Cris, but I'm so proud of you, too! You're an incredible woman and mother. Whenever you feel like you're not good enough, please remember - that is NOT from God. Satan says "you're a failure", God says "with MY strength, you can do this".
By the grace and strength of Christ, you have done incredible things. You are incredible.
Much love <3
By the grace and strength of Christ, you have done incredible things. You are incredible.
Much love <3
Cristen, I have only been posting on the forums here since what...Monday or Tuesday and I already have so much admiration and respect for you. You didn't ask for many of these bad things that have come your way, but you are handling them so well. The fact that your heart aches to be the best mother you can be says so much. You can never be a terrible mother with a heart like that. There are children out there that have every material thing that they could have ever asked for, and they are still left longing to be able to be close with their mom or dad. You give them so much. Don't sell yourself short.
It's okay to be angry and to cry. Let yourself feel those things. And as you are, press into God and let Him comfort you.
gypsygirl and TinTin said it way better than I ever could, but I just want you to know that I admire you a lot. I admire anyone who is a single mother first of all. But past that, I admire the way you continue to take this day-by-day and are so positive, the way you are so open and vulnerable with us here, and how strong and brave you are.
*hugs*
It's okay to be angry and to cry. Let yourself feel those things. And as you are, press into God and let Him comfort you.
gypsygirl and TinTin said it way better than I ever could, but I just want you to know that I admire you a lot. I admire anyone who is a single mother first of all. But past that, I admire the way you continue to take this day-by-day and are so positive, the way you are so open and vulnerable with us here, and how strong and brave you are.
*hugs*
No actually. Hopefully I don't lose friends over this, but I've actually never watched even a single episode of Friends. Not for any particular reason other than that I just haven't. I knew as soon as I created this account that I would get that question though haha.
Actually, it's in reference to a pastor who I enjoy listening to named Matt Chandler. I've gained a lot of biblical wisdom and understanding from listening to his sermons over the past couple of years.
Here's one of his more well-known clips. Gives me chills ever time I watch it...
[video=youtube;bLgIecL1IdY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLgIecL1IdY[/video]
Actually, it's in reference to a pastor who I enjoy listening to named Matt Chandler. I've gained a lot of biblical wisdom and understanding from listening to his sermons over the past couple of years.
Here's one of his more well-known clips. Gives me chills ever time I watch it...
[video=youtube;bLgIecL1IdY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLgIecL1IdY[/video]