bothered by fiance's past

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biglife

Guest
#41
#41
Jason remember the saying: Make hay while the sun shines? Leave your infatuation feelings behind and try to focus on real issues here. If you are not free in your mind to be rest assured about ANY ONE you are planning to marry. I advise you run for your life now that there is still hope. Do not wait until you are married and maybe have kids before asking yourself; how did i GET HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?. Take my advise jason.
 
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Jasonxvx777

Guest
#42
#42
Well honestly, since then I have leaned a lot and have come to trust her. Things between us have become so much more intimate and understand each other's deeper secrets. Honesty is key in any serious relationship, it brings you closer to one another. Sometimes the truth still hurts but I'm so happy she was and has been able to just be completely open with me. I've never had that with someone. We have also completed devoted ourselves to God and doing what's right before marriage no matter what. Please keep us in your prayers.
 
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Jasonxvx777

Guest
#43
#43
It's really not fair to completely blame her. I did get really upset over the past and I know why. I struggle with insecurity and worry myself. I was told that I was nobody and would be nothing a lot. I grew up in an abusive home actually and have had a hard life. I do feel peace about her, I love her and its always been hard for me not to worry, I've always been bothered by the past. We both have it issues but who doesn't? Who can't God heal and use? I already see he can use us to help hurting people.
 
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Jasonxvx777

Guest
#44
#44
Is there any different opinions besides the last two?
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#45
Jan 26, 2013
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#45
MissCris said:
Speaking as a woman with a "past", the OP was very difficult for me to read without feeling angry, and even a little hopeless. And some of the responses! "She seems unrepentant", "Don't marry her", "she seems hooked on the past"...

This woman made mistakes, and this woman was abused. Praise God for freeing her from that! Don't compound the terrible things she went through (either of her own doing or at the hands of others) by holding those very things against her. If you can't let it go and love her for who and what she is Now, Today, then get out of her life and give her the chance to be with someone who accepts every part of her.

Stop making her relive her past. Stop dragging her heart through the mud with your issues about her history.

Surviving rape and any kind of abuse is hard enough, but having those things held against you by someone who claims to love you is just as bad. If you love her, let her be free...from her past.
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I was thinking and feeling the exact same things. I wasn't this perfect virgin gem when I got married either. Neither was my Husband so it was what it was. We don't continuously throw each other's past in each other's faces, what's done is done.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#46
Mar 13, 2014
42,717
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Tennessee
#46
Fenner said:
I was thinking and feeling the exact same things. I wasn't this perfect virgin gem when I got married either. Neither was my Husband so it was what it was. We don't continuously throw each other's past in each other's faces, what's done is done.
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I was no angel either. The past may be discussed for healing purposes but must never be brought up to cause harm. Personally, I do not care at all about what happened in previous relationships. It is only the here and now that holds any true meaning for me.
 
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Tintin

Guest
#47
#47
I don't believe it's godly to hold past sins against your loved one of that which they've already repented and have given to God and that He's already dealt with at the cross. Remember 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, (love) is not proud. (Love) does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (Love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
 
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Nick01

Senior Member
#48
Jul 15, 2013
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#48
I would see go and find some pre-marriage counselling. There are such things that exist, and a lot of people swear by it. You may come out of it thinking you can't marry this person - if that is the case, then don't get married. It may, on the other hand, help you a lot and allow you to get married with a clean conscience. Either way, the important thing is to actually put all the cards on the table now, feel free to chat frankly, honestly, and with grace, even if in that forgiveness a marriage is no longer possible. Talk it out, ideally with an impartial professional to help moderate.

As for what you conclude with, Christians are people. These things happen. If they didn't, the gospel would have no power, because in the end people wouldn't really be so depraved as to need saving. I don't say this to put your fiancee down in the least - in a lot of ways, her experience is probably FAR more common in Christian circles than we could ever expect. But the reality is that people can and do full short. What is important is if she is prepared to recognise sin as sin, and move on, and if you are prepared to accept your own sin as well as hers, and move on with her.
 
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Tintin

Guest
#49
#49
Yes, pre-marriage counselling is a must! Also, there's a book by Jon Bevere called "The Bait of Satan". I haven't read it myself, yet, but I've heard great things about it. The book's all about the dangers of holding unforgiveness in your heart.
 
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imhumbled

Member
#50
Sep 2, 2014
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#50
Jason, we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God. Think of it this way, God put you in her life to help her come out of this sin. He may have put her in your life to learn humility. I am not telling you if you should marry her or not, that is up to you, her, and of course God. I do think that if you are to be the future man of the household, maybe pray and ask for a forgiving and accepting spirit. It is likely she was mot honest with yoy because she was ashamed and embarrassed. God forgives and accepts us ALL the time. Remember that. I will pray for you, but especially for your fiance, that she forgives herself. All the best.
 
leelee

leelee

Senior Member
#51
Sep 5, 2011
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#51
Jasonxvx777 said:
No she wasn't as strong in her faith back then, she has never claimed to be. She has confessed that she let fear control her and that she was broken by this. It scares me that a person can be broken for years and not actually change it but I guess thats how abusive relationships work, they are very hard to get out of. I do really love this woman and I want to give her a great life. My concern is that she won't ever be strong and will let other things like this happen to her in the future. It's been a challenge trying to help her recover and find who she is but now that I see who she is I'm so in love and I don't see how this woman could ever let a bad guy be this way to her. What I need to see is that she is better now, she is awesome and she does deserve to be treated so much better than what she had before. It truly makes me sad that guys can treat girls this way, especially her, she is such a sweet gentle girl.
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This concerns me as you are planning to spend your life with her are you not? Would you not be there, by her side helping her to be strong, protecting her when she needs it and being the loving Godly husband this poor girl needs? She has had a horrific time, she has been raped and abused, coerced and mentally and physically abused. She needs someone to come along side and make her life better, to believe in her ability to be strong with God and her husband at her side. I am sorry I am coming late into this and haven't yet read all the posts but i couldn't scroll past this one.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#52
#52
OP hasn't come back in over a month.
 
leelee

leelee

Senior Member
#53
Sep 5, 2011
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#53
I am quite glad I posted before I read the rest of the posts, I think I was more reasonable then. Now I am pretty annoyed so I am not going to tell you what I think as I am not certain I can manage to do it within the bounds of appropriate language. All I will say is that neither of you seem ready for marriage and despite her past I think you, Jason, may be the one who is less ready.
 
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MrMyagi

Guest
#55
#55
Jason,

You're suffering from what is more commonly known as "Madonna/Whore" complex. Might want to look it up. It's common, and believe it or not, is quite natural to varying degrees in most men. It is actually a very primal part of ourselves that allows men to protect 'the cave' and the woman IN the cave. You simply can't imagine the woman you love with another man.... even if it's in her past--- welp, kind of a natural response.

The WRONG thing to do is invoke 'shame'..... Believe it or not, YOU are having shame because YOU don't feel you can measure up to what she might have done in the past. And you stand a chance of invoking that shame onto her by using the "Sunday School Teacher" facade that you are forcing her to live by while putting her on a pedastal. And TRUST me, Jason, she does not want to be held up that high. You are holding her up to YOUR standards, not who SHE really is.

Here's a story.... When my wife and I were first dating, we got on the subject of Gilligan's Island. She asked me a very simple question: "So, which is it for you? Ginger?? Or MaryAnn?" My response was just as simple: "Ginger to me back in the bedroom..... Maryanne to everybody else outside the bedroom." She understood exactly what I meant. By the way.... we have an AWESOME conjugal life together blessed by God. Simply because your girlfriend is a Sunday school teacher doesn't mean she was spared BY GOD of having a SEX drive.

Get used to this simple premise: Women LOVE sex just as much as men. If they tell you they don't, they are either lying, or have had abusive pasts that have prevented them from enjoying what God intended for them to enjoy. Women merely are the gatekeepers, and the woman is expecting a man to show the right key to unlock it all that is within her. Turn the key the right way, and it's a pretty awesome treasure.

You might want to read Song of Songs and what it's actually about....... Maybe even with HER.

Jason.... EVERYBODY has a past. Get that through your head now. YOU have a past too. Admit it.

My wife and I were very honest about our pasts with each other from the very beginning. We did not beat around the proverbial bush. It was that 'radical honesty' that allowed us to know each other in the way that only a man and wife CAN know each other. We cut to the chase right away very early on in our dating. That very radical honesty that she was able to give me SHOWED me that she would be radically honest with me our entire life. She would not hide things from me from FEAR of persecution. It is that honesty that is our bond.

If she is being HONEST with you..... then don't shame her. Work on yourself and how to unlock what's inside her.

I could go on.... but I think you get the point.

Blessings....
 
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