I Don't Want Another Divorce

[biscuit]

Remember, God uses ALL things for good...so if Mrs Sands made a bad choice in choosing Mr Sands.....it's up to her to follow and trust Jesus as to what the outcome of her bad choice will be.

2nd reply (ignore the 1st):

I agree with you 100% but it will depend on what type of relationship she has with Jesus. If she doesn't have a relationship with Jesus .... then her pleas may go unanswered. She may be more into the secular world than the religious one.

 

[2Thewaters]

My second marriage is in trouble, and I'm at my breaking point. My first divorce was due to infidelity, and I thought I was being so careful when I married again. My husband claimed to be everything I prayed for. He had all the right answers concerning his faith and what he desired from a Christian marriage, but I soon discovered he had lied. I have always felt I had the gift of discernment, so I feel like such a fool. He is verbally abusive, and his moods control our lives. Though we had premarital counseling focused on second marriage and stepchildren, he loathes my son and finds any excuse to criticize him. I have endured eight years because we have a child together and because I keep believing that my prayers will be answered, but I'm so broken right now. He says he will go to counseling but always backs out. I'm going, and I'm struggling to continue to uplift him. I don't want to talk to my friends because I don't want to harm his reputation. I am hoping for your friendship, prayers, and advice.

Bible says we should not marry after a divorce, if you do you are in adultery. So, if you divorce this one yo will be clear.
You actually cant go back to the first one now that you married the second one

so you are now single for the short time we have left.

My friend had the same problem he found out second marriages are adultery and had to divorce for that reason but now he is not in adultery anymore.

God bless and may he give you grace to follow his word.

 

[MrsClementMelton1122]

Sandjsmama!!!!! (Your story sounds identical to my story except this is my first marriage)

My Husband suffers from Bipolar disorder and refuses to seek medical attention. The disease is hereditary and he's often moody and dismissive. At the beginning of our relationship he was verbally abusive and always attacking my son's personality. He later explained to me how his step dad would abuse him and treat him differently from the other children in the home. My Husband has never met his biological Dad and doesn't know what it means to be in a stable home. Its hard for my husband to spend time or show my son how to be a loving man. Its hard being in a marriage with someone who doesn't, #1 believe in God, #2 doesn't know how to show love, #3 suffers from Bipolar, #4 not willing to change. I have prayed, left the relationship, returned, and currently 1 foot out the door. You have to ask yourself, am I willing to give up my own happiness and children's happiness to help this man. Don't beat yourself up because you didn't predict this situation. Learn from your mistakes and use this to help someone else. I would never tell you to leave your husband because its not my place. I can only tell you that uplifting my husband never worked. He only becomes frustrated with me and points out my flaws. Whenever I receive good news or a promotion its often followed with arguments or separation. I pray that God will provide you with the resources and finances to take care of your household alone. I rebuke any demonic spirits that's causing confusion and division in your home. I declare and call this day peace. In the name of Jesus if its his will for you to stay with your husband I pray healing and deliverance in your marriage. Continue to pray effective prayers so that you're able to remain UN-bothered by your husbands insecurities and strong enough for the next chapter God has for you. Amen

 

[bluelyn20]

I just joined this site and it sounds as if we have some things in common. I too am in a second marriage after leaving my first marriage due to infidelity. My second husband also claims to be a "christian" man but his attitude toward me and the marriage certainly doesn't show "chrisiian" values. He has spent very little time with me and done little to truly be a "family" .. when I complain to him about the fact that we never spend much time together, then I am "giving him h***" all the time. I feel like to keep the peace I cannot say anything to him about his behavior or the fact that all his priorities seem to be outside our relationship. He recently filed for divorce and due to my efforts we are back together and dismissing the case but, he is back to his old behaviors again. I don't want another divorce but.. am I doomed to just keep putting up with this man's emotional neglect for the rest of my life? Do I just find other interests to fill the void? I have an 11 yr old daughter that I don't want to uproot (again). I think its sad that he doesn't put more importance on the marriage and I have expressed this in counselling but that issue seems to blow up on me whenever it is expressed. I thought most people married to have a relationship.. and I just don't understand his behavior. Maybe some of you could give some insight on men's behavior or have some advice?

 

[twotwo]

… but I soon discovered he had lied.

… He is verbally abusive, and his moods control our lives.

… he loathes my son and finds any excuse to criticize him.

… I have endured eight years

… I'm so broken right now.

…I uplift my husband through both prayer and words of encouragement on a daily basis.

… Still, my children and I are subjected to verbal abuse, and that is truth.

…, " You are a poor excuse for a wife" because I left a dirty glass on the counter;

… I was branded "Pathetic" because the garbage can was too full for his liking;

…he told our four year old that he hated she "didn't have a better mother."

… my response is seldom harsh or even angry because that makes things worse.

… Sometimes I am just quiet and try to spend him. Sometimes I apologize. Sometimes there are tears.

… I feel the need to protect the sanctity of my marriage and my children.

It would be great if you husband was a loving person, humble and gentle of heart like our Lord, but he is not. It would be fantastic if he treated you with love and respect, but he is not.

The truth is that you are miserable with this man because he is a jerk with you and your children. You are trying to change your personalities to fix the situation. This will not work because it is your husband that is a jerk and not you. He lied to you from the beginning and you endured this ordeal for eight years. Do you think he will change for the better? NO. In fact, verbal abuse is only a prelude to physical abuse. This is sad but this is the truth.

In reality, it is not marriage that you must save but your dignity. Please consult organization helping women victim of domestic violence and discuss with them what you should do.

Be prepared for difficult times, sister! Rebuke gently your adversary making known the Lord teachings. Stand firm and trust the Lord! It is to set us free that Christ died for us.

 

[sunburn]

I know you are being serious....and you are making it personal....and you have no idea what you're talking about. Your reaction simply proves you are arguing purely from an emotional viewpoint.

I am really not arguing with you to be honest. I am just observing few things based on what you say.
Simply I am able to tell you are being cynical from the beginning
And I do believe you have issues to be resolved ..reflecting your frustrations with your own husband -wife struggles and trying to make the OP look bad by downplaying a serious matter that might have nothing to do with her.

There are some obvious truths in what you manage to explain despite your ambiguous take on it but at some point, even you yourself somewhat judge her post based based on your own emotional packed personal marital troubles… I am even inclined to say you are taking it a little too personal…


My point in my last comment was a ah ha moment…I just realised how your point of view was tainted by an underlining pathetical attitude.…I don't need to make it personal…You just exposed yourself... your argument against the OP post was based on the fact that she wasn't worth taking too seriously because she chose her partner/ abuser?!!

Unbelievable.

Ps: I wonder how many times you use being "emotional" while discussing with a woman as a valid dismissal !….
You have a long way to go…I hope you the best with your wife.

 

[tourist]

I just have one thing to add to what people have said. Don't protect his reputation. If you don't make his character known then he will be able to snare another person in with the lies that he used on you. You make it sound like this guy deliberately lied to you and deceived you into marrying him. Don't help him do that to someone else by staying silent about it.

I've never been married so I'm not up on divorce and separation laws, but is there a way to separate, take the kids and get out of your current environment without immediately initiating divorce proceedings? Sounds like he needs that kind of wake up call and your kids need to get out of the abusive environment. That way you can protect yourself and your kids but leave him the option of fighting for your marriage.

I agree with you completely.

 

[Sirk]

I am really not arguing with you to be honest. I am just observing few things based on what you say.
Simply I am able to tell you are being cynical from the beginning
And I do believe you have issues to be resolved ..reflecting your frustrations with your own husband -wife struggles and trying to make the OP look bad by downplaying a serious matter that might have nothing to do with her.

There are some obvious truths in what you manage to explain despite your ambiguous take on it but at some point, even you yourself somewhat judge her post based based on your own emotional packed personal marital troubles… I am even inclined to say you are taking it a little too personal…


My point in my last comment was a ah ha moment…I just realised how your point of view was tainted by an underlining pathetical attitude.…I don't need to make it personal…You just exposed yourself... your argument against the OP post was based on the fact that she wasn't worth taking too seriously because she chose her partner/ abuser?!!

Unbelievable.

Ps: I wonder how many times you use being "emotional" while discussing with a woman as a valid dismissal !….
You have a long way to go…I hope you the best with your wife.

If you say so...

 

[Sirk]

I am really not arguing with you to be honest. I am just observing few things based on what you say.
Simply I am able to tell you are being cynical from the beginning
And I do believe you have issues to be resolved ..reflecting your frustrations with your own husband -wife struggles and trying to make the OP look bad by downplaying a serious matter that might have nothing to do with her.

There are some obvious truths in what you manage to explain despite your ambiguous take on it but at some point, even you yourself somewhat judge her post based based on your own emotional packed personal marital troubles… I am even inclined to say you are taking it a little too personal…


My point in my last comment was a ah ha moment…I just realised how your point of view was tainted by an underlining pathetical attitude.…I don't need to make it personal…You just exposed yourself... your argument against the OP post was based on the fact that she wasn't worth taking too seriously because she chose her partner/ abuser?!!

Unbelievable.

Ps: I wonder how many times you use being "emotional" while discussing with a woman as a valid dismissal !….
You have a long way to go…I hope you the best with your wife.

If it helps you not to let me occupy space in your head anymore, I'll let this be the last word between you and I.

 

[tourist]

I just joined this site and it sounds as if we have some things in common. I too am in a second marriage after leaving my first marriage due to infidelity. My second husband also claims to be a "christian" man but his attitude toward me and the marriage certainly doesn't show "chrisiian" values. He has spent very little time with me and done little to truly be a "family" .. when I complain to him about the fact that we never spend much time together, then I am "giving him h***" all the time. I feel like to keep the peace I cannot say anything to him about his behavior or the fact that all his priorities seem to be outside our relationship. He recently filed for divorce and due to my efforts we are back together and dismissing the case but, he is back to his old behaviors again. I don't want another divorce but.. am I doomed to just keep putting up with this man's emotional neglect for the rest of my life? Do I just find other interests to fill the void? I have an 11 yr old daughter that I don't want to uproot (again). I think its sad that he doesn't put more importance on the marriage and I have expressed this in counselling but that issue seems to blow up on me whenever it is expressed. I thought most people married to have a relationship.. and I just don't understand his behavior. Maybe some of you could give some insight on men's behavior or have some advice?

I would ask your husband what were the reasons that he married you in the first place. He does not seem to be very family orientated. For a marriage to grow it must be watered and nurtured and centered on the love of God. I don't believe that your husband understands this concept or is seeking this for himself. A man that truly loves his wife and family would want to spend all of his free time outside of work with them. I believe that he is taking for granted the wonderful gift that he has and is about to lose it. Do what you have to do to protect your child.

 

[sunburn]

If it helps you not to let me occupy space in your head anymore, I'll let this be the last word between you and I.

You are too kind
Don't let me stop you though…you should keep your comments coming. I have heard enough not to bother with them anymore.

 

[secularhermit]

Hello sunburn!

Be strong, as you are.

 

[Sirk]

You are too kind
Don't let me stop you though…you should keep your comments coming. I have heard enough not to bother with them anymore.

Obviously.

 

[Sirk]

I am really not arguing with you to be honest. I am just observing few things based on what you say.
Simply I am able to tell you are being cynical from the beginning
And I do believe you have issues to be resolved ..reflecting your frustrations with your own husband -wife struggles and trying to make the OP look bad by downplaying a serious matter that might have nothing to do with her.

There are some obvious truths in what you manage to explain despite your ambiguous take on it but at some point, even you yourself somewhat judge her post based based on your own emotional packed personal marital troubles… I am even inclined to say you are taking it a little too personal…


My point in my last comment was a ah ha moment…I just realised how your point of view was tainted by an underlining pathetical attitude.…I don't need to make it personal…You just exposed yourself... your argument against the OP post was based on the fact that she wasn't worth taking too seriously because she chose her partner/ abuser?!!

Unbelievable.

Ps: I wonder how many times you use being "emotional" while discussing with a woman as a valid dismissal !….
You have a long way to go…I hope you the best with your wife.

Initially I had decided that I wasn't going to respond this immature post as I generally don't find it worthwhile to respond to childish taunting like this but after having slept on it a decided that a few things could be addressed.

Firstly, you have asserted that somehow I have given tacit approval of the op's husband to be abusive, which is revealing as to maturity level as well as your lack of reading comprehension skills. If you were as mature of a Christian that you think you are, my posts would not have offended you so and you would recognize that my perspective on the op's dilemma is a biblical one that addressed what she could be doing to foster a closer relationship with Jesus. Instead of seeking more information and recognizing that there is a lot of experience behind my words they simply offended you and then you proceeded to attack my character and my relationship with my wife, which really says a lot about you and where you are in you walk.
What you asserted about my marriage and my "where I am at" couldn't be more whacky, not only in reality of my circumstance but also in the absurdity of you being to know any of that at all.

As to your childish taunting as to my relationship with my wife and kids, I do find it somewhat humorous that you have so run out of ideas in regards to the op that you became focused on me so as to try define me as some bad guy who doesn't know what I'm talking about and treats my wife like crap. I can only assume from that, that you have no idea what a mature woman in Christ looks like and that your participation in this thread was a waste of time and space as person who has no idea of what marriage consists of, not to mention a blended family and it's challenges. You got some growing up to do there....and that's okay, we all do in various ways.

 

[sunburn]

Initially I had decided that I wasn't going to respond this immature post as I generally don't find it worthwhile to respond to childish taunting like this but after having slept on it a decided that a few things could be addressed.

Firstly, you have asserted that somehow I have given tacit approval of the op's husband to be abusive, which is revealing as to maturity level as well as your lack of reading comprehension skills. If you were as mature of a Christian that you think you are, my posts would not have offended you so and you would recognize that my perspective on the op's dilemma is a biblical one that addressed what she could be doing to foster a closer relationship with Jesus. Instead of seeking more information and recognizing that there is a lot of experience behind my words they simply offended you and then you proceeded to attack my character and my relationship with my wife, which really says a lot about you and where you are in you walk.
What you asserted about my marriage and my "where I am at" couldn't be more whacky, not only in reality of my circumstance but also in the absurdity of you being to know any of that at all.

As to your childish taunting as to my relationship with my wife and kids, I do find it somewhat humorous that you have so run out of ideas in regards to the op that you became focused on me so as to try define me as some bad guy who doesn't know what I'm talking about and treats my wife like crap. I can only assume from that, that you have no idea what a mature woman in Christ looks like and that your participation in this thread was a waste of time and space as person who has no idea of what marriage consists of, not to mention a blended family and it's challenges. You got some growing up to do there....and that's okay, we all do in various ways.

Why am I not surprised…
Please come back with some more.

 

[MrMyagi]

My mother told me a long time ago...."You can't have a conman without a person willing to be conned". It took me years to fully grasp that in regards to relationships or marriage and the roles we play when not being truly honest with ourselves or another.

In many, if not most relationships, we all start off by offering up only our 'best selves'. Both sexes are guilty of this. And when we seek out a relationship, most times, we ARE asking "what will I RECEIVE out of this relationship or marriage". Rarely do both people enter in only saying "what can I GIVE completely". (Which would actually be the optimum mindset, thereby, both people actually benefit from the mutual selflessness) Our 'best selves' are merely a sales technique to close a deal in order to receive. In essence..... each of us can potentially be "conman and conned" at the same time depending on actual intent. Most people's intent seem innocent enough. Nothing wrong with WANTING love. But sometimes we tend to jump into something out of need more than to give.

As I read this whole thread, while not wanting to make total judgment call, I can't help but sense that there were two people who played into this scenario with each other. If the situation is truly violent, then even Jesus would not tolerate abuse simply to prove a point of martyrdom. Jesus acknowledged the woman at the well, knowing she had been married five times..... he extended grace.

Sometimes people do not leave what they know to be a bad situation, one they might have even caused themselves by not admitting the "conman/conned" persona inside, because they simply have no other place to go at the time..... some stay from guilt of their own mistake, refusing to admit they kneejerked themselves into 'love'.

I recommend a book called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend to any person who is still stuck in trying to establish what would be acceptable levels of behavior from somebody else, and then applying the concepts, before making the ultimate decision. Most times, boundaries are crossed because we have failed to establish them. And once they are crossed, then there should be no TALKING about it anymore....... only action..... silent, and swift.

Prayers for this situation.... May God Bless the two of you...

 

[bluelyn20]

Hi Tourist,

Thanks for responding to my post. I am going to buy the book you recommended. To respond to your suggestion that I ask my husband why he married me in the first place.. I have asked this question MANY times. Also have asked him why he loves me .. what he likes about me. I get very vague answers that don't show much introspection at all. The counselor had the same problem trying to get infomation out of him. He is exceptionally skilled at NOT answering questions and only telling you what he chooses and not a genuine, honest answer. I really don't know what to think of him. But you are correct.. a marriage has to be nurtured and ours certainly isn't. I feel more a convenience instead of a commitment. I guess for the near future I will stay to pay off some bills and to keep my daughter safe and secure. As for the long term, I dont feel like I can live like this forever. I try to remain strong in the Lord and seek his will for me, and will try to develop some good christian friendships and outside interests. Thank you again for your advice and insights.

 

[Bonita123]

“Dear Lord, please guide this special sister during the trouble in her marriage. And her ears shall hear a word behind her saying, this is the way, walk here, when she turns to her right and when she turns to her left (see Isa. 30:21).

“Please reassure her when she sees a thousand fall on her right side and ten thousand at her left; help her to know that if she follows You, it will not happen to her (see Ps. 91:7). Hide her under your protective wings.

“Help her to find the narrow path that will lead her to life, the abundant life you have for her and for her family. Lord, I pray for a testimony that you can use for Your glory when this troubled or broken marriage is healed and restored! We will give You all the honor and the glory. Amen.”
Please go to this website: HopeAtLast.com God restored my marriage and it was my second marriage.