The fact that I would even be in existence... What's the point? I mean, often than not these days I have no problem since I know I want to live. I have to. For what, who knows, I don't know yet. I'm just afraid of it getting worse from here on. One minute a person could tell you that you need to reach out to get anywhere, then when you do just that then you're nothing but a big crybaby. Speaking of which, I'm in tears right now.
I just find myself horribly ugly. Inside, outside. I've focused more on the outside and of course I slip and go back to my old habits. Literally I cannot get anywhere. I need to reach out but of course I can't. I wonder if I'll ever be good for anything because I've pretty much done everything wrong. I still do.
More like a rant, but I'll get to the point... Right now I'm just wanting to get out of this endless pit that I've stayed in for quite some time. Small changes, that's what we should be focusing on, right? I can't even do that. I'm tired of feeling anxious of the thought that I'd even step one foot somewhere that seems so foreign and yet somehow too familiar because I don't want to get hurt anymore. Like I said, I've done everything wrong. I know I need to let go but then there's a pull when trying to get out. I don't know how much longer I can take it. I'm too comfortable in my mistakes but it's costing me everything. Tired of my messed up thinking, ways, faults. They've been going on for quite a long time now and I just want to wake up feeling like they're gone. Of course, it can't be like that.
Honestly, I just need to leave. Leave everything. Leave and forget everything I've known. If I can start over and 'have' to, I'd probably do just that. Otherwise I don't want to really be here. I just want to get on point and if there's a heaven then everyone up there has a lot of explaining to do to have people be tortured here only to have a huge possibility to be tortured even more in the next life.
Sorry, but if there's even an answer that nobody asked for and yet can be published on a public forum, it's this. I don't want any pats on the shoulder telling me 'there there' or people to feel bad and pray for me. Not anymore. I just want to be left alone. I may get just that. To everyone who has been nice to me, thank you for it. It means more than I've ever expressed and at times even thought about. You know who you are.