Dating/Marrying Someone with a History of Sexual Abuse.

[Liam]

Im saying if it was me I wouldn't put myself into a situation like that

Smart man.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Im saying if it was me I wouldn't put myself into a situation like that

While I can't say I blame you, the sad reality is....so many are abused sexually, or in some way...that you may end up with a survivor, and never know it. Some never mention it.

 

[Mordred]

Oh.................................
Well that, means something different if the person is a victim. But, I Don't know...I'd rather not have to deal with that either.

 

[Liam]

I like mordrid he's honest.

 

[Mordred]

Well, I mean. I dated a girl that was a victim of abuse (or claimed to be) - and i'm not seeing her anymore, so.

You know, some men will honestly change this world and way its' being viewed. It may not be perfect, but through Him you can do anything.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

I don't blame you....depending on the person though...as I said, most move on...they don't dwell on it. They may have the usual female issues of self-esteem and how good or bad they think they look. So what, everyone has that! Even men have those issues...many of them. the key is this, if she has been a victim, but is now a survivor, then I'd say most likely you're okay. She's still in the ''victim'' mode....proceed with caution. Maybe just maintain a friendship, until she's over things. *shrugs* I'm just trying to help...God bless.

 

[Liam]

Well, I mean. I dated a girl that was a victim of abuse (or claimed to be) - and i'm not seeing her anymore, so.

You know, some men will honestly change this world and way its' being viewed. It may not be perfect, but through Him you can do anything.

I know what you mean it puts a real strain on things.

 

[survivingcricket]

okay so I googled some info....

How prevalent is child sexual abuse?
There are more than sixty million survivors of child sexual abuse in the United States alone.

What are the signs that someone is a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Lack of trust, unusual fears, withdrawal, low self-worth, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, irritability, rage, drug or alcohol use, anxiety, prolonged depression, nightmares, excessive worry about dying or loved ones dying, insomnia, becoming recluse, sexual dysfunction, unnecessary guilt, psychosomatic symptoms, spaciness, and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder give evidence that a person may have been sexually abused. One or two of these symptoms in an individual does not necessarily mean they were abused. However, if a person has many of these indicators then the probability exists that they have a traumatic past of some kind.

This is just a bit of info....not everyone has these issues, and if they do, not so serious. At one point in life, YES it was that bad for every single victim really. At times yes those things can still come up later in life. Again, I say it's a matter of control over things, and not letting them control that person.

Thank you for posting this! I wish more people were aware of such thing as sexual abuse. Personally, I was a victim of sexual abuse for almost eight years. I am continuing to heal with the help of God and my counselor. I also suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
On the whole dating issue: This has affected my ability to trust people and date guys. It does come up all the time in life. It just depends on how you deal with it. It will take time for a person who has been a victim of sexual abuse to get back into the whole dating scene. All you can do is to be a friend until they are completely ready. Don't push them into anything too soon and before they are ready. I hope this helps.

For more info on sexual abuse go to: http://www.rainn.org

~Cricket~

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Thank you for posting this! I wish more people were aware of such thing as sexual abuse. Personally, I was a victim of sexual abuse for almost eight years. I am continuing to heal with the help of God and my counselor. I also suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
On the whole dating issue: This has affected my ability to trust people and date guys. It does come up all the time in life. It just depends on how you deal with it. It will take time for a person who has been a victim of sexual abuse to get back into the whole dating scene. All you can do is to be a friend until they are completely ready. Don't push them into anything too soon and before they are ready. I hope this helps.

For more info on sexual abuse go to: http://www.rainn.org

~Cricket~

Aww...I'm so sorry you had to go through it.... I can't stand people that do such things...that's not what the discussion is on exactly though so anyways. I agree totally, and I stated said things about healing, and it depending on the person, etc. I'm sure you're doing fine, and you will be totally delivered some day. I myself have trust issues from this and other things in life. Then again, we all have trust issues to an extent...even those whom haven't been through things like this. God bless.

 

[kiwi_OT]

I'm just going to out and saybthis.... I want sex to be fun and passionate. I want breathing and heaving and laughing and GOOD. Sexual baggage is just.... It ruins everything. Crying after or using troubles past to just lay there like a starfish is also pretty gay.

I know some girls are shy or freightened but that's diffrent, they should get used to it most abuse victims use their experience for sympathy and attention and do never desk with it and move on. At least that's my experience.

--prepares for verbal flaming--

Liam that is the most appalling thing Ive ever seen you write. Your message shows an extreme lack of sensitivity. Being sexually abused is not something you can put a bandaid over and be ok with ever after.
Sexual abuse is usually not just one encounter where they were raped or assaulted randomly. It is consistent occurance and its extremely terrifying to deal with and it tears the soul apart. Most women never heal from such a thing. What you need is to think less of yourself and your wants and needs. You have every right to ask for a healthy sex life when your married, but saying that abuse victims use their past against potential boyfriends is a disgusting stereotype.

Just dont go there.. You have obviously had unsuccessful relationships with abuse survivors but that certainly doesnt make you an expert on the matter.

And another thing, your note says you prepare for verbal flaming? If you expect verbal flaming on such a topic where you are well aware that what you say is insulting to many, then why do you say it? Do you enjoy it?

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Liam that is the most appalling thing Ive ever seen you write. Your message shows an extreme lack of sensitivity. Being sexually abused is not something you can put a bandaid over and be ok with ever after.
Sexual abuse is usually not just one encounter where they were raped or assaulted randomly. It is consistent occurance and its extremely terrifying to deal with and it tears the soul apart. Most women never heal from such a thing. What you need is to think less of yourself and your wants and needs. You have every right to ask for a healthy sex life when your married, but saying that abuse victims use their past against potential boyfriends is a disgusting stereotype.

Just dont go there.. You have obviously had unsuccessful relationships with abuse survivors but that certainly doesnt make you an expert on the matter.

And another thing, your note says you prepare for verbal flaming? If you expect verbal flaming on such a topic where you are well aware that what you say is insulting to many, then why do you say it? Do you enjoy it?

Very well said, thank you. People just don't understand. Here's the thing...as a survivor, not a ''victim'' anymore...I don't expect others to understand, when they haven't been through it. Even those that have been through it, very few, will just say ''oh get over it'' because they're still a victim. They can't move on, they won't move on, they refuse to handle things and face them. No healing whatsoever can or will begin until they stop running from things. They push it deep, deep down inside, and try to hide it. Things eat at them, until one day they finally break down and give in. It's not easy to deal with by any means, however it must eventually be done. No one can be helped unless and until they want help first. Others, like Liam, who have been a victim of a victim...someone who has been done wrong by a victim of sexual abuse that is...well, they need just as much healing and deliverance. Some day it shall happen, but only if they allow for it. Lets just continue praying for all of them. That's all we can do, but there's so much power in prayer. God bless.

 

[Mordred]

Well, here I got something for you. Your deep pain won't ever go away. The drugs won't take it away, the liquor won't take it away, love can't take it away.
The only thing you can do is get up when you get pushed down, I know. I've been places....I get...around.. No I ain't never been sexually assaulted before, but I been hurt other ways, and...yeah nothing takes the pain away. Nothing. I know we come and we look for encouraging words, and ways to excite our life because we think we'll forget about it, truth is you ain't never gonna forget about it.

You know, i'm a firm believer in that sex needs to have mutual consent. I'm not gonna put up with what I can prevent, when you ladies are out and about and you got a man you don't want doing something you don't want, I'll be there for you. Because I take care of my worlds' women.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

First of all, no one mentioned drinking or drugs or anything else. Secondly, I have never relied on that junk. Third of all, YES we do get over it. Unless someone has been a victim and is a survivor, they can't say ''you never get over it'' they don't know. Lastly, I personally don't need anyone to tak e care of me, I have God and He's the only One I need. Someone will come along some day, who's the right one, will accept, understand, and look over things. That's the difference in a victim and a survivor, a victim is the one that can't and won't move on. A survivor is the one that can, will, and has. There MIGHT be rare times when we might feel unattractive or something, but again, that's totally normal for all humans. So it's really not a big deal, and if we can handle things, they don't bother us, we're healed, and all that...then no guy should have an issue with it either. I respect how you feel about things though, and hey, we all need friends...other than just needing a friend for the ''normal'' things in life, I'm good. I don't need anyone to help me deal with things...God is more than enough and able in that department. God bless you.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

In fact, I use to have those self-esteem issues and all...I went through the nightmares, the depression, the whole thing.... however, I'm comfortable with who I am, in my own skin, with everything about me. At times we all have a so called ''down day'' when we are as confident as we could be, but that's okay, we make it through, we put on a smile, remind our self how much God loves us, and that we're beautiful in every single way!

 

[Mordred]

Well, ma'am. It all bottled up inside of me, and it ain't ever gonna go away.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

what are you refering to when you say ''it's bottled up inside of me, and it ain't ever gonna go away''?

 

[kiwi_OT]

In fact, I use to have those self-esteem issues and all...I went through the nightmares, the depression, the whole thing.... however, I'm comfortable with who I am, in my own skin, with everything about me. At times we all have a so called ''down day'' when we are as confident as we could be, but that's okay, we make it through, we put on a smile, remind our self how much God loves us, and that we're beautiful in every single way!

Hear hear! Well said

You know what I find annoying? Ive worked so darn hard to heal from my past and have had subtantial breakthrough in my spiritual and emotional growth that when I tell people my testimony, a lot of people dont believe me because Im far too 'chirpy.' Like apparently its wrong or something to mentally well etc. I do consider myself very lucky and blessed in the fact that God has been my therapist as well as other professions. It was a good collaboration. But Ive been told - "But your just so happy and caring.. You cant have been abused or you'd be a bit messed up a bit wouldnt you?" GRRR

 

[iraasuup]

Yeah don't get me wrong it's not that I don't value romance I'm very romantic honestly and it's not that I don't wanna help her heal or anything like that, I just want someone who can keep pace oh and Mathew.

-puts 100 Australian dollars on the table-

that money is yours if after sex you no longer get annoyed when your wife says no.
I'm cases of pregnancy and her cycle and stuff you be respectful and caring but even then it will annoy you. If I'm wroong that money is yours.

I used to talk just like you, you probly still think women care if their Bo is a virgin aswell right?
We do, i do, most women could not careless.

Well the bible is very clear on this matter. We (both guys and girls) don't have the right to just deny our spouse because we simply 'don't feel like it'.

1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Soo the whole 'I'm not in the mood' thing, really doesn't cut it with God.

I do get a laugh though that you refer to this like it's the wife who will play this card...(I guess usually it is) but speaking from experience...that's not always true.

I think he has played the whole 'I'm not in the mood' thing with me, more times than I can count...so guys are guilty of this too FYI

 

[iraasuup]

Liam that is the most appalling thing Ive ever seen you write. Your message shows an extreme lack of sensitivity. Being sexually abused is not something you can put a bandaid over and be ok with ever after.
Sexual abuse is usually not just one encounter where they were raped or assaulted randomly. It is consistent occurance and its extremely terrifying to deal with and it tears the soul apart. Most women never heal from such a thing. What you need is to think less of yourself and your wants and needs. You have every right to ask for a healthy sex life when your married, but saying that abuse victims use their past against potential boyfriends is a disgusting stereotype.

Just dont go there.. You have obviously had unsuccessful relationships with abuse survivors but that certainly doesnt make you an expert on the matter.

And another thing, your note says you prepare for verbal flaming? If you expect verbal flaming on such a topic where you are well aware that what you say is insulting to many, then why do you say it? Do you enjoy it?

Yes, well said.

I agree. *note to all* Please refrain from making comments that might offend others...remember this is a PUBLIC forum.

 

[Liam]

Well the bible is very clear on this matter. We (both guys and girls) don't have the right to just deny our spouse because we simply 'don't feel like it'.

1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Soo the whole 'I'm not in the mood' thing, really doesn't cut it with God.

I do get a laugh though that you refer to this like it's the wife who will play this card...(I guess usually it is) but speaking from experience...that's not always true.

I think he has played the whole 'I'm not in the mood' thing with me, more times than I can count...so guys are guilty of this too FYI

What kind of half-man are you married to?
I've seen you!! Is he stupid? I mean I work 12 hour days in a factory so I'm not always in the mood but I'd never say no, little bit of a back rub a few whispered words or a well placed kiss on the neck and bam, ready to go! With women we got to deal with "I'm tired" and "I'm sore"!and "I'm just too stressed" and once they day no that's it tge battle is lost. With men "no" just means not at this second.

Hmmm. I'm honestly shocked by your husband rejecting you. SHOCKED