Lest week my wife ripped out the kitchen without talking to me and wants me to help remodel and now is very angry at me I am not enthusiastic, I said very politely this isn't something we talked about or planned for she said it would only cost 1000$ but it is ending up to be more like 4000$
also she is going to Uganda on a mission trip against my wishes. I am against it because we have two children less than 5 and it is for three weeks during the busiest month at the season business we own together. Also it is quite obvious that this women's trip is what I would call evangelical tourism. We help people for three days them we sight see for a week
I would say this is a recent phenomenon that I hope cools down. I think it is tied to her mother dying and her emergency histerectamy. But she also is trying to be a "modern" women and has a major problem with any leadership I suggest.
part of our struggle is when we met she was a Luke warm Christian and I was a pagan and know I am a very passionate Christian and she is still a Luke warm Christian.
That's a tough one for a husband. Of course, it's wrong. It is a sin for her not to submit to you.
Some people say that since the Bible commands women to submit to their husbands that this is totally a woman's issue and men should never talk to their wives about submitting. Of course, that type of thinking is unbiblical. The Bible says to rebuke your neighbor frankly, so you don't share in his sin. It doesn't fit well with American culture, but we have an obligation to rebuke people when they sin at times.
You are also the leader of your home. You need to run it in an organized manner. As a husband, you need to work toward having a way of putting your foot down. You may need to establish a precedent for it. But it's a touchy issue with a lot of women, especially if her thoughts have been contaminated by philosophies related to being a 'modern woman.' Even from an egalitarian perspective, what she is doing is incredibly inconsiderate. From a Biblical complementarian perspective, it is unsubmissive and rebellious.
I think you have an obligation to correct your wife verbally. I can think of one time in particular when my wife snuck behind my back and did something I told her not to. I considered it unethical and she didn't. Later, she apologized to me about it and realized she was wrong.
One of the problems with correcting her verbally-- which I think you have a moral obligation to do-- is that some women get really sensitive and argue, fuss, stonewall, or just shut the submission conversation down.
I've had a lot of success with praying in faith for the Lord to speak to my wife about this and various other marital issues. One time, I prayed a long list, and within a few days, she came back to me telling me how the Lord had spoken to her about these items I'd prayed. It was really astonishing because the prayer list was so detailed. I'd prayed in faith, but still the detail with which the Lord had spoken to her was amazing, along with the depth of regret she'd had about some things she'd said or done. You can only do so much if she is acting like this, but you can pray.
As far as the trip goes, you have two options. One is to fight a war and put your foot down. The other is to let her know that what she is doing is a sin against God and not try to stop her.
Putting your foot down might entail cancelling a ticket (and losing money if you have to), outing her sinful behavior to the pastor or a leader on the mission trip and letting them know you oppose her going for child-care reasons, etc. Hopefully your church community would rightly back you up. You could insist on marriage counseling.
If you choose this as a battle, it won't be fun for either of it. If you 'win' it may be worth it. But you have to be willing to suffer the consequences. I advice against going the 'nice guy' route of suddenly changing your mind and being okay with the trip, or acting like it. That just encourages rebellion and outright lack of consideration. You'd be teaching her she can rebel against you, not submit to you, not obey you, and you'll be okay with it in the end. If she walks out that door, let her know she's in the wrong. You could even refuse to take her to the airport, and tell her you aren't going to be complicit in her sin. Hide the keys so your car doesn't end up at the airport that morning. If she chooses to go against your will, then she should walk out that door knowing she's got a relationship problem with you that she has created.
If she thinks God wants her to go on the trip, she should do it the right way. I believed God wanted me to marry my wife, but I wasn't going to just go find a preacher and get hitched. If her dad disapproved, I'd have had to figure out a way to convince him. When Daniel couldn't eat the unclean food in Babylon, he didn't knock the tray off the table and yell, "no" at the servant managing him. He humbly asked for permission for he and his associates to eat vegetables and have themselves examined for their health.
Let's say you become convinced that God wanted her to go. Then you still confront her about the rebellious behavior.
Whether you go the softer route of telling her not to go and telling her she is being unsubmissive to Christ by being unsubmissive to you (before she goes on a trip up in the air), or if you do that and play hardball by cancelling your tickets, be consistent and firm. You need to get to a place in your marriage where you can rule your house well, including where your wife will submit to you. Making it easy for her to not submit without so much as you rebuking her for it is enabling her in her sin and is not good for her.
