Opposite sex friendships

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spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
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Opposite sex friendships

My husband and I have talked about this for several reasons...

  • many workplaces in general are co-ed
  • I am currently going to night school. I interact with males and females at school
  • we are trying to figure out what the appropriate boundaries are for a married couple.

My husband and I are wondering about the following regarding opposite sex friendships...
  • what are appropriate boundaries regarding opposite sex friendships between someone who is either 1) in a committed relationship or 2) who is married and someone who is not and is single?

  • how do you prevent yourself from crossing the line?
  • if you suspect that your opposite sex friend has feelings for you, and you are either 1) in a committed relationship or 2) are married, how do you approach your friend?


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The first thing is to put this issue on the correct level biblically.

It isn't enough to just BE innocent.
You must do everything to continually APPEAR innocent, in EVERY WAY.
The bible would say, "Abstain from all appearance of evil" in 1Thessalonians 5:22.
We might simply say, "use PROPRIETY."

Propriety would mean to do everything, at every moment, in all situations, to always appear "proper".

Anything that crosses ANY line is a problem.
Anything that even APPEARS to cross a line is a problem.
Anything than can be MISCONSTRUED as crossing a line is a problem.
ANYTHING innocent that PERSONALLY bothers your spouse is a problem.

It isn't about specific rules.
It's all about respecting your spouse at ALL TIMES, and using propriety at ALL TIMES.

It isn't enough to simply not DO evil.
We shouldn't even do anything that might "appear" evil, by being misunderstood.

1Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.
 
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My thought is that the appropriate boundaries are eyes off hands off - and beyond that there is room for discussion, and it would depend on a case by case basis, and the level of comfort for parties involved.

If someone is in a relationship, then they shouldn't be looking at anyone other than their spouse romantically/sexually. If the relationship isn't a marriage, then things are a bit more restricted - the two people can't even look at each other sexually if they aren't married. Biblically, this is quite clear in Matthew 5:

27Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.


Other than eyes off hands off, I think the boundaries are a bit less clear cut. It's normal in our society to have friends who are of the opposite sex, and I don't think it's reasonable to say this cannot be allowed to happen. I wouldn't be too concerned about it unless there is a disproportionate amount of time spent alone with someone of the opposite sex in a non professional setting, or unless this other person is pushing to try and start an affair.

Thessalonians 5:22 is a good starting point for this:

[SUP]22 [/SUP]Abstain from all appearance of evil.


If your husband and you decide that any time spent alone with someone of the opposite sex is evil, then it is, but I'm not one of those who says that's necessarily the case if trust is not an issue in your marriage, and if you both know who this other person is.

It's highly personal and subjective though what is or isn't dangerous in a relationship.
 
I did an awesome study called Guardrails by Andy Stanley! It addresses the topic you're speaking of. You could watch the videos on YouTube. If you're interested in the study book that goes with it, you can probably get it off Amazon.
 
spunkycat08 said:
Opposite sex friendships

My husband and I have talked about this for several reasons...

  • many workplaces in general are co-ed
  • I am currently going to night school. I interact with males and females at school
  • we are trying to figure out what the appropriate boundaries are for a married couple.

My husband and I are wondering about the following regarding opposite sex friendships...
  • what are appropriate boundaries regarding opposite sex friendships between someone who is either 1) in a committed relationship or 2) who is married and someone who is not and is single?

  • how do you prevent yourself from crossing the line?
  • if you suspect that your opposite sex friend has feelings for you, and you are either 1) in a committed relationship or 2) are married, how do you approach your friend?


​
Click to expand...

This, I think, is made much more complex than it needs to be. If you focus on your husband and love your husband, your husband is your focus and your husband's the one you love. There isn't a problem when you make sure your relationship is committed, renewably so. You'll know the answer if you and your husband are secure in yourselves and trust each other.
 
I do agree with Brother Maxwel. Appropriate boundaries are already established by the Lord in that we should flee all appearances of (any opportunity for) evil. [I Thessalonians 5:22]

The devil is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. As I used to say to my children when they were growing up, "The devil doesn't want to annoy; he wants to steal, kill & destroy."

Just remember how he tricked Eve and then Adam. Don't ever believe establishing your own set of rules will keep you safe from crossing the line of infidelity. God's Word says don't trust in your own understanding but trust Him with all your heart in all things.

Your only defense against infidelity is abandoning yourself to Christ in every situation and doing all for His glory. I truly believe if your love for Jesus Christ outweighs any other desire, if your heart is so filled with yearning for Him, your focus ever on His lovely face, crossing boundaries with anyone won't even be an issue. :)

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
 
You're putting too much thought into it. If you are in a relationship, you just don't get friendly with the opposite sex, don't be alone with them, don't touch for any reason. A person of the opposite sex does not need to know much about you personally, especially things that bother you.
 
spunkycat08 said:
Opposite sex friendships

My husband and I have talked about this for several reasons...

  • many workplaces in general are co-ed
  • I am currently going to night school. I interact with males and females at school
  • we are trying to figure out what the appropriate boundaries are for a married couple.

My husband and I are wondering about the following regarding opposite sex friendships...
  • what are appropriate boundaries regarding opposite sex friendships between someone who is either 1) in a committed relationship or 2) who is married and someone who is not and is single?

  • how do you prevent yourself from crossing the line?
  • if you suspect that your opposite sex friend has feelings for you, and you are either 1) in a committed relationship or 2) are married, how do you approach your friend?


​
Click to expand...

It is best to not get started down that path. Opposite sex friendships are inappropriate for those that are married.
 
Flee from sin... Bible dont say to stand their and look at it and talk about it, and think about it, "it looks bad but if you turn it to the light it looks better" NO... just flee.
 
Its basic in that you and your husband should be honest with each other about your actions and who you spend time with. If you feel the need to hide a relationship with the opposite sex from your spouse, you should end it.

If your husband ask you not to meet with a man alone, then you should listen. Typically most people don't need to have coffee with anyone of the opposite sex. However, if you make friends with people at work, then you could hang out as a group.

Don't text or call a man who is married, call his wife instead. the same for a man, he should connect the spouse of the same sex: the husband.

I believe friendships with a married man is fine if you are also friends with his wife. Otherwise it is strange.

I had some male friends tell me that they do not want to spend a lot of time with a woman who they are not romantically interested in at some level. So though it might seem innocent to you, it might not be for him.

He may read into the time spent with him as something more than you mean for it to be. I've learned not to feed into that.
 
Be honest, consistent & open with all

Most of all share & trust in the love of our Lord

God bless
 
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