My husband and the drama that follows PART 4!!! UPDATE!

[VioletReigns]

So you basically allowed him back in to your home and life after he emotionally blackmailed you, and you did so without dealing with or resolving the issues as to why he left in the first place.

Problem is that you have become too weak, an all too common thing with women who are abused and mistreated, you just want him back at any cost and that cost will just escalate and give the message that you are a door mat and will let your husband back in if he sheds enough crocodile tears, he then has a nice home to live in again, a woman to do stuff for him and of course sex.

For years I was on the board of directors of an anti-abuse organization that helped both men and women in domestic abuse situations. There is a typical cycle played out by the abuser in order to weaken the victim and have total control of the relationship, just as Agricola describes. You can Google this abuse cycle wheel online and see for yourself whether or not you have been controlled in this way.

In this group, I had represented those who were further abused by church legalism. Too many well-meaning Christians advise folks to remain in situations and to "just pray and have faith." This is sometimes dangerous advice to give as it very often escalates into physical violence when the victim tries to gain some ground in the home and fight back.

Whereas it is clear in the Bible that if the unbelieving depart, let them depart. God calls us to peace.

I have to point people to the cross in spite of my personal view and I have many.

Brother Pastac is also correct in advising Sister Christianwife87 to follow Jesus Christ. But there lies the whole problem. Our sister has convinced this man he is in control, and that her life and the kids' lives are of little importance. Any action on her part now to regain some ground will be an act of defiance or war to him. He will become more aggressive in getting control back.

What options does she really have? She can remain in this situation and it will only worsen. She can seek legal advice and counseling, which I absolutely recommend. And most of all, she can trust God completely by letting this man depart and let God deal with him. Her conflicted emotions and fears and grief are only prolonging this terrible situation.

I pray in Jesus' name that our sister Christianwife87 will surrender her whole life to the Lord and not try to do the impossible as she will NEVER change her husband. He has a free will that only Father God can change. Our sister needs to surrender her will to Jesus and trust in Him alone to meet all the needs of her life. The Lord is willing and able to care for her and the kids.

 

[Michelleks]

Maybe some of our input are not as helpful, not as right, but since we are also in the dark, at least we showed, that you are not alone. You are not suffering alone.there are people out there, that suffer too.
for all the suggestions, my attitude is, to try and believe. If you never try, you never know.some people will never change, if we do not give some pressure, and some people the mote you pressure, the more they act bad. And praise will do wonder.
The true problem is, we all are lack of love!
If we love with no boundary, people will get spoiled.
but keep in mind, our love is also not perfect.
i need to find out what I should do to make things right?

 

[tourist]

Whatever this man wants you obviously don't have.

 

[pastac]

My point is this entirely VioletReigns and your words are so true, we are in a support role to our sister. Our opinions may differ yet I think we all want her healthy and happy. Her choice we may or may not agree with but she must make them alone. That is not to say she stands alone but make her choices alone she and God. I know the difficulties she must face I counsel many with worse issues than this those of you outside of the Pastorate have no idea what really is going on in bedrooms and homes across the church spectrum. You would be flabbergasted truly.

Yet discretion and confidentiality must be adhered to, to ensure that safety many speak of that is why I am against personal information and all for generic situational information only. Loving the hurting is what we do as well as telling the truth. Many people haven't heard the truth in so long it offends them. Many get a watered down version of a truth yet THE TRUTH is what will make them free. Our ways are not Gods ways he takes the foolish things to confound the wise maybe this is that I am not sure but what I am sure of is he is on her side and so am I. Be blessed
pastac

 

[pastac]

Maybe some of our input are not as helpful, not as right, but since we are also in the dark, at least we showed, that you are not alone. You are not suffering alone.there are people out there, that suffer too.
for all the suggestions, my attitude is, to try and believe. If you never try, you never know.some people will never change, if we do not give some pressure, and some people the mote you pressure, the more they act bad. And praise will do wonder.
The true problem is, we all are lack of love!
If we love with no boundary, people will get spoiled.
but keep in mind, our love is also not perfect.
i need to find out what I should do to make things right?

One of the most difficult things to do is trust God! Follow what I'm saying. We want what we want NOW! We have been conditioned that way, we are spoiled by our own ego and self absorbed views. Yet God in his grace ,love ,and mercy still gives us air each day so we still have time to get whatever is wrong in our lives right. When we REALLY let go and not with our lip but with our actions God is free to move into our mess. But we have to be willing to stay out of his way and quit trying to help him.

I guess my answer is release it to God stand back and watch him move but follow his leading. During your time of release pray fast commune seek Gods face grow with him read his word and he will be moving in that situation you released. Why did he say seek ye first the kingdom and its righteousness and all else would be added unto us if he did not mean it. Re focus is the key, obedience is a key , prayer is a key, praise is a key so start unlocking doors with the keys!
pastac

 

[Michelleks]

Whatever this man wants you obviously don't have.

At least he can say what I do not have.

 

[Michelleks]

In my church, abusive personality is not acknowledged , but blame the abused being depressed, have not endured enough! I am accused of controlling instead .

 

[soccermom19]

After reading all your posts, I would like to offer you my prayers. Only you can know what God's will for you is. Pray often and follow God no matter what he leads you to do.
However, i offer you my views and suggestions because I feel that is what you are asking for. First, you need to be strong for the sake of yourself and your kids. You mentioned earlier that you planned on moving. I think you and the kids should move as far away from his family as possible. You should explain to your husband the conditions he must meet in order to move with you. He must complete drug counseling and/or rehab, complete marriage counseling with you, be completely open and honest with you, and agree to put you and the kids ahead of his mother and siblings. Make sure these things and any other things you want to add are completed, not just started, before he moves with you. Also, no more illegal activity! That could get you in a lot of trouble. You could even loose your kids over it.
Your husband needs tough love. Stay separated until every condition is met and do not back down. I know how hard it is, from my own experience. But, you must think of the kids. Show them that his behavior is not okay and that you will not stand for it. While still showing them that you forgive your husband and still love him. Your husband needs discipline. If he truly loves you, he will have to prove it.
God Bless you. I will pray for your situation. That God will work on your husband and give you the strength and knowledge that you need to deal with everything.

 

[christianwife87]

So you basically allowed him back in to your home and life after he emotionally blackmailed you, and you did so without dealing with or resolving the issues as to why he left in the first place.

His family are poisioning him against you, manipulating him and trying to remove you from his life. His drug dealing, how do you know he is still not carrying on with this? Because he told you? Yes convenient that.

If you want this to be resolved you must get him to cut his mothers apron strings that are still tied to him, move thousands of miles away and get them out of your life, that of course will not stop him from calling them, this is something he has to deal with, he has to make a choice, them or you. Do you really want someone who is dealing with drugs around your kids? NOt only is there the issue of finding drugs, but drug wars are real, do you really want to have police turn up to either arrest him or inform you he is dead. Even worse is that people could seek revenge or retribution and turn up on your door step and goodness knows what can happen. Drive by shooting is also not out of the question.

Problem is that you have become too weak, an all too common thing with women who are abused and mistreated, you just want him back at any cost and that cost will just escalate and give the message that you are a door mat and will let your husband back in if he sheds enough crocodile tears, he then has a nice home to live in again, a woman to do stuff for him and of course sex.


Personally I would hire a private detective to follow him for a couple of weeks and see what he gets up to.

Thank you for your response, I agree with you on a lot of things, I don't agree that it should take him moving away from his mother for him to be a better husband, and I don't believe that I am weak about the situation, I admit that I used to be, but I do believe that God has strengthened me in a way that no one understands, I think that I am strong to have dealt with this. As far as the drug dealing you asked me a question and answered yourself with what you thought I would say, you are wrong, I used to deal drugs myself, actually better at it than him, I know a drug dealer when I see one, and he is not, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that someone that sits on the bed all day isn't a drug dealer, in fact I don't believe he ever was I was going off of his word that he was, but never seen him in action.

 

[christianwife87]

He just wants to be in control of this relationship, that's all. He's made it clear he don't want to be with you, and he's grandstanding right now so he won't lose you. Stand up for once, and say enough is enough!! You deserve better than this--quit playing this wiffle-waffle game with him, and boot him to the curb once and for all.. He's using you, sweetie, and you're fallin' for it.

Thank you for your response, ladybug honestly that doesn't make sense but I do see what you are getting at, how could him not wanting me be clear? He hasn't made anything clear because he hasn't been straight forward. I honestly believe that he does want to be with me, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. I believe your advice is not of God, "boot him to the curb"? This is still my husband we are talking about, not a random boyfriend. Now I'm going to agree with you on the using part, because at times I do feel used. But he has actually done more than what he has ever done this entire marriage. But I do feel more like he's trying to emotionally abuse me.

 

[Standingwolf13]

FATHER I pray these words are received with gentleness and may YOUR SPIRIT feel this broken heart and return it back to YOUR side.

In order to know what the will of GOD is you must first, die to the flesh of your desires, your wants and needs. This is the reason why when putting on the armor of GOD the helmet is required, because we can't distinguish the us, from the HIM (CHRIST JESUS). CHRIST stands with us already side by side with you, ready to go thru anything, HE has already rained over death and granted you and I a brand new life, most of us think this life is in the physical, when infact it is spiritual. Satan has waged war from the beginning of time on all us to secure our souls and make us puppets, so that he can say, he has outshined GOD. When battleing in the spiritual realm you cannot use the world to fix the problem.

Ephesians 6 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

So what I am saying is the things he is experiencing he doesn't even understand Satan is attacking him and he can't defend.

You being a new creation in CHRIST JESUS are walking not in the spirit with CHRIST JESUS, but in the flesh. If you were then you would know that you had the power to remove Satan from your life along time ago.

Romans12
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

GOD redeemed us HE covered us with the blood of HIS son, JESUS went down to hell and grabbed the keys out of Satans hands and took back the only thing Satan had over us, which was Adams sin. Now when JESUS decended into hell and got the keys, HE also freed the spirits that were lost and bound by Satan's lies. So when HE ascended to heaven HE took us with HIM right beside HIM. You have the power and authority in you because CHRIST JESUS gave it to you, stop looking at your circumstances in the flesh, look from the SPIRIT OF GOD and in the SPIRIT OF GOD like in the dessert when Satan was attempting to attack the mind of JESUS, IT IS WRITTEN , IT IS WRITTEN, the true word of GOD HE spoke it rite back at Satan and Satan had to flee.

Ephesians 2:6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

Now what is your excuse, if this is what you want, this is your union, this is your house and Satan is messing it up do something about it , IN CHRIST JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank you for your response, ladybug honestly that doesn't make sense but I do see what you are getting at, how could him not wanting me be clear? He hasn't made anything clear because he hasn't been straight forward. I honestly believe that he does want to be with me, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. I believe your advice is not of God, "boot him to the curb"? This is still my husband we are talking about, not a random boyfriend. Now I'm going to agree with you on the using part, because at times I do feel used. But he has actually done more than what he has ever done this entire marriage. But I do feel more like he's trying to emotionally abuse me.

Have you talked to him at all about doing couples counseling? It may help, or it might not. I think he needs to do some deep soul searching and figure out his priorities and get them in the proper order. He definitely needs to set boundaries with his mom and siblings.

 

[Jimbone]

Sounds like he's being as cruel as possible so you will throw in the towel and give him what he wants: freedom to do what he wants. You need to give him some tough love..stand up for yourself, kick him back out. He's a mama's boy and that aint gonna ever change. He made his bed of thorns, make him lay in it.. You're not a servant, nor a slave, but you're letting yourself be a doormat for this guy!!!

Look, I agree with you for the most part but the "He's a mama's boy and that aint gonna ever change" really bothers me. I agree with that outside of God in worldly terms, but through God change IS not only possible but a complete requirement (not to be saved, but afterward you are changed). He can change, but only through God. It's only hopeless without God, period. I see her going to God again and again myself, but it does seem to be at a point where a little tougher love may be called for. My main point with this comment is he CAN change. I did all thanks to God, because I couldn't have on my own, and am very glad I had a Christian wife that didn't run off every time I made a bad decision. This guy is going through a test, with the death of his father on top of everything else, it's really no wonder, but he should thank God for the wife he's been blessed with, and that may be the way he finds Truth.

 

[OnThisRock]

Resist the devil and he will flee. When I resisted my ex's devilish ways, he divorced me. I realized it was a spirit and the man liked the devil more than me. It was a game! And I do not play with the devil.

 

[OnThisRock]

If you get off his roller coaster, ask God to be strong, do not talk to him, and he sees he cannot manipulate and upset you anymore, see if he stays around. Most likely he will not. This is what sociopaths and devils do. They like to see people upset just to WIN. But God wins when we get off the emotional rollercoaster. Its just a way to resist the devil. Ignore and do not engage.

 

[Michelleks]

If you get off his roller coaster, ask God to be strong, do not talk to him, and he sees he cannot manipulate and upset you anymore, see if he stays around. Most likely he will not. This is what sociopaths and devils do. They like to see people upset just to WIN. But God wins when we get off the emotional rollercoaster. Its just a way to resist the devil. Ignore and do not engage.

i agree. If you think he will change, then you let him know you want it out of love. Other wise, ignore him.

 

[ThePottersClay]

Why do they do that? I feel for you - I'm in that same place.

For the past few months, we don't go 2 weeks without arguing. And its pretty much your story on this end of the globe.

Good luck, I also seek the answers.

 

[santuzza]

But I do feel more like he's trying to emotionally abuse me.

This is what I don't get. Why would you stay with ANYONE who you feel is trying to emotionally abuse you? It makes no sense whatsoever.

 

[christianwife87]

Hello everyone, i haven't been on for a week or so. Here's the update... Sad to say that a couple weeks ago he purposely started an argument and decided once again to pack his things and leave, I was very hurt and saddened...again. We both exchanged words, he said he didn't want to be with me anymore, I accused him of cheating he got upset, called me dumb and said he wasn't cheating he said he was just tired of me giving him drama and being emotional, he left on bad terms. But the crazy thing about it is he ended up calling me a few days ago asking me if I can take him to the hospital, I was lost and very confused at that point.

I told him I didn't think that was a good idea seeing how we are going through this issue, he got upset and said he thought that he can call the only person who would help him and I refused. I'm still very confused as to the real reason he called.

I cannot deal with my children and I being emotionally abused and I refuse to deal any longer. I do continue to pray for him and his family every night.
I'm am now in the process of restoring my relationship with God and my children and I have also started the filing process for divorce. Thank you for everything and everyone's comments and advice. Please pray for my children and I as we take this journey towards healing.