He promised me a baby, but lied

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StevieNicole

Guest
#1
#1
Im in desperate need for advice. I have been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We have a 3 year old child together. We didn't plan the pregnancy, it was a surprise, but we actually made things work, he bought us a house and we started a life together. He always knew i wanted to get married and have more children. I waited for the proposal and after 3 and a half years of nothing i brought up that i needed to be married and have more children in order to be fulfilled in life, and that i wanted this with him. He said he throught marriage was pointless but he would do it anyway someday and he didn't want a big family, he said he never wanted our first one, so why would he want more? After months of back and forth discussion he agreed we could have one more child and that was it. I was so happy, we set a date we would start trying to conceive, talked about how we were going to do things different this time, planned financially and everything. From the moment he told me we could have another child and we set a date to try and conceive, the image of that baby we were going to have grew in my heart. I even told our 3 year old that he was going to be a big brother some day and mommy was going to have a baby in her belly for Christmas.... well the day before we were suppose to start trying to conceive he told me its not happening anymore. He doesn't want it. I am devastated. The image of this baby grew in my heart and i was just waiting for the time WE agreed on to have it start growing in my belly. He says he doesn't care about his promise, he doesn't want it anymore and thats that. I feel like he killed something in me. I am completely broken inside and feel like i have already suffered the loss of this child because the image of this child we were suppose to have was in my heart and i dont know if i can ever forgive him. What do i do? I want to leave because i dont think i can ever trust him again nor do i feel like my life will be complete without a second child, but he is a good father to our 3 year old. I just keep hearing from him and his family "why can't you just be thankful for what you have?" And believe me, i am , but i dont see why me wanting to be someone's wife and giving my son a sibling is labeled ungratefu? .... help?
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#2
Sep 20, 2012
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#2
Cart before the horse, is what it seems to me.
 
Mo0448

Mo0448

Senior Member
#3
Jun 10, 2013
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Hello & Welcome StevieNicole! I suggest that you sit down with him and talk to him...explain your viewpoint and perspective...if that doesn't work perhaps you need to take another route. Are you a frequent church goer? If so, does he attend with you? If your lives are moving towards Christ you can begin to pray for it so God can work in his life, and if it's God's will that you have another child may He provide you with one in His Time. I guess the question is, if you end up having just that one child will you be happy enough and fulfilled enough by that?

Does that make sense?
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#4
#4
StevieNicole said:
I want to leave because i dont think i can ever trust him again nor do i feel like my life will be complete without a second child
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I respect your motherly ambition and I don't think it is 'wrong.' I do, however, think that you wanting to leave, as well as feeling as though you can never trust him nor forgive him, is carrying the matter to an extreme. It's a sad truism that people change, and it is indeed unfortunate that he later decided against a second child.

It's okay to be disappointed. I don't think you feeling disappointed, and even a little cheated, makes you come off as ungrateful. If this man is good to you and your other child, however, and the marriage has not been on precarious grounds outside of this particular issue, then perhaps you will need to concede and reach a compromise. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, and my heart, honestly, goes out to you. Many years ago, my first lady wanted children, and I did not. After four years of being together, our differing wants on the subject was one of the reasons we separated, so for what it is worth, I can relate (to some extent) to your situation.

I do hope things get better for you on this, StevieNicole, and don't lose hope on this. If your man changed his mind once, who's to say he will not change it again?
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#5
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
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#5
StevieNicole said:
After months of back and forth discussion he agreed we could have one more child and that was it.
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Don't let him off the hook, a promise is a promise. Stop using birth control and proceed. His "I changed my mind" bs isn't right. You agreed to something and you didn't change your mind did you? jmo
 
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psychomom

Guest
#6
#6
StevieNicole, i'm glad you joined us here.

this is probably going to sound harsh, and for that i'm sorry.
but honestly, to me, the continuing postponement of marriage is more worrisome than having a child
or not having a child. if it were me, i'd want to get to the bottom of that issue first.

regarding the baby...i completely understand the longing for children.
especially when you have your 3 yo, and know how wonderful it all is.
but i wonder...if perhaps God is lovingly showing you an idol?
He has done so for me, many times. there are things and people in life that we,
usually without intending to, put in a place higher than God in our hearts.
Jesus is our Savior, but at times we have what i hear called 'functional saviors' in life.
people or ideas or things we look to for fulfillment or happiness or love
that are smaller, much smaller than Jesus.

please understand, i'm not calling you out on anything i haven't been guilty of...
i say this without condemnation...at all.
but for His glory and for your own sake, God will show you if this is true of you if you ask Him.
He doesn't want you stuck in that rut, unhappy and feeling desperate.
He loves you, dear one, He loves you.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#7
Mar 13, 2014
42,717
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Tennessee
#7
StevieNicole said:
And believe me, i am , but i dont see why me wanting to be someone's wife and giving my son a sibling is labeled ungratefu? .... help?
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Sounds reasonable to me. How old are the two of you? It appears that your boyfriend is afraid of commitment. There was no mention of the role that God is playing in your lives. Little babies cost money too.
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#8
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
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#8
Dan58 said:
Don't let him off the hook, a promise is a promise. Stop using birth control and proceed. His "I changed my mind" bs isn't right. You agreed to something and you didn't change your mind did you? jmo
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Wow. I don't even know where to start to explain how wrong and dangerous this idea is.

Let him go. Go to church and find a man who wants the same things you want. Get married, THEN have the babies.

DO NOT follow Dan's advice, unless you want to jump from the frying pan to the fire.
 
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sassylady

Guest
#9
#9
I can hardly believe somebody would tell you not to let him off the hook on this particular subject.

Your relationship is not blessed if you are not married. There are unfortunately many things going wrong there.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#10
#10
I agree with some of the others.There is no relationship until you are married.You should not bring another child into a situation where there is no commitment between the two of you. It is bad enough that one child is in this situation.Marriage first,if you intend to stay with him.Pre-marital counseling should help with any issues you have.I understand you want a baby and you feel he is being unfair,but you seemed to have pushed him to make a promise for more children,just reading between the lines.If so he probably thinks its unfair that you are pushing him to be a father again which he clearly does not want.He may have said yes to please you or stop the nagging but you cant force people to want what you want.Thats why all of this needed to be talked out before you got into the relationship and not after.You need to look into marriage asap if he's not willing to commit you have your answer.No man should have to be pushed to commit to his partner.Better to find out now than later when he moves on and leaves you with 2 kids.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#11
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
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#11
RickyZ said:
Wow. I don't even know where to start to explain how wrong and dangerous this idea is.

Let him go. Go to church and find a man who wants the same things you want. Get married, THEN have the babies.

DO NOT follow Dan's advice, unless you want to jump from the frying pan to the fire.
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sassylady said:
I can hardly believe somebody would tell you not to let him off the hook on this particular subject.

Your relationship is not blessed if you are not married. There are unfortunately many things going wrong there.
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Sorry folks, I did not read the opening post carefully enough, I was under the impression that they were married. So I'd agree with you, if the OP isn't even married, having babies should be put on the back-burner.
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#12
#12
The "marriage is pointless" remark is a bit of a red flag. I'm not clear as to whether he meant the whole ceremonial aspect of marriage is pointless, though, or the state of being married is. Either way, I am doubtful that being married will adjust his attitude, and I find the "there is no relationship until you are married" sentiment a little insulting, not constructive. Married or not, he maintains the same prerogative; to want or to not want another child. :confused:

Now I'm certainly not opposed to the prevailing wisdom that marriage is important ─ I believe it is important ─ I simply don't think it's the be all, end-all in this case, especially if what he meant in saying "marriage is pointless" was that he finds weddings/ceremony pointless (as opposed to being married or united with the OP).
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#13
Jan 24, 2011
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#13
You need to find your own place, arrange for child support unless he is willing to marry you. But don't force him, because that would be a kind of "shot-gun" wedding. You could never trust him, and I would bet he would throw a forced marriage back in your face every fight you have.

Find a job for yourself, and trust God to bring the right man into your life. This man that will not marry you, and feels marriage is pointless is not the right man!

Praying for you to get right with Jesus Christ, and repent of this sin of living together!
 
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StevieNicole

Guest
#14
#14
Thank you for the support.to answer some of the questions, im 28 and hes 29. I have 2 siblings and hes an only child, which is one of the many reasons i want our son to have a sibling so he doesn't turn out selfish like his father . I am a Christian and our son and i go to church and follow Jesus, the boyfriend however does not believe, he never grew up believing so I really can't blame him for what his parents never taught him.I have just been praying a lot that the Lord would humble his heart to be open to accepting Jesus. He asks questions every now and then, hes been to church with us once for our sons dedication but thats it. I would love to be married first, but its not up to me. I am just lost at what to do. How do i stay with someone that broke such an important promise like having a second child? How do i stay with someone that doesn't respect me enough to make me his wife in a timely manner?
 
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Nick01

Senior Member
#15
Jul 15, 2013
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#15
The situation is made difficult because you are not both believers. Aside from anything else, it means that you are not both going to have the same priorities and perspectives on things. It is not good that he went back on what he said, but he is also not a believer. It's pointless you, as a Christian, trying to hold him to that. It will not help the relationship, and it most likely not help him in the long term.

The reality is that it is most likely you who will have to compromise most if you want the relationship to continue. It will be of little use appealing to him to do so, especially given that hasn't worked previously and he has gone back on what he has said. In other words, if it is important for you to continue the relationship, you may have to let some of your wants go, at least for the time being. I think you also have to think about what is best for your son - will it be in his best interests for you to separate?

The nature of your relationship and the fact you both have a son means you have an extra burden to carry. There is not much anyone can do about that now - what's done is done. It may be that your boyfriend will change his mind. It may even be that he will become a Christian, and make it that much easier for you to find a middle ground on these kinds of issues. Or it may be that he will not change, and this will be the dynamic of your relationship until the day you die. That is something you have to be prepared to deal with.

At the end of the day, for the relationship to grow, one of your two will have to give up something you want. As a Christian, it's actually probably you who is in the best position to do that. Not an excuse to be abused or exploited, but it doesn't sound like those things are the issue here - it's simply a matter of the two of you having conflicting priorities in life. Anyway, something to ponder.
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#16
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#16
StevieNicole said:
Thank you for the support.to answer some of the questions, im 28 and hes 29. I have 2 siblings and hes an only child, which is one of the many reasons i want our son to have a sibling so he doesn't turn out selfish like his father . I am a Christian and our son and i go to church and follow Jesus, the boyfriend however does not believe, he never grew up believing so I really can't blame him for what his parents never taught him.I have just been praying a lot that the Lord would humble his heart to be open to accepting Jesus. He asks questions every now and then, hes been to church with us once for our sons dedication but thats it. I would love to be married first, but its not up to me. I am just lost at what to do. How do i stay with someone that broke such an important promise like having a second child? How do i stay with someone that doesn't respect me enough to make me his wife in a timely manner?
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That, my friend, is not true.
 
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tenderhearted

Guest
#17
#17
You're missing what everyone is trying to say to you. You don't have to remain in this unhealthy relationship. Just because you have a child with someone doesn't mean you should be with them. You're a believer and a criteria for marriage is that you marry another believer. Also, you said you will only find fulfillment in life if you marry and have more children. Marriage and more children are not going to fulfill you in life. Only God can bring fulfillment in your life. Your priorities are not in the right place. Have you considered what God's will is for your life? You said this man is a good father... well, he can continue to be a father to your child without you living with him. Don't settle, choose God's best. You want the father of your son to know Jesus, then you should not be an enabler. Be an example and move out. I've made many poor choices in my life too, but the most important thing is what you do there after. God is a God of second chances, so make it right with the one who loves you. :)




StevieNicole said:
Thank you for the support.to answer some of the questions, im 28 and hes 29. I have 2 siblings and hes an only child, which is one of the many reasons i want our son to have a sibling so he doesn't turn out selfish like his father . I am a Christian and our son and i go to church and follow Jesus, the boyfriend however does not believe, he never grew up believing so I really can't blame him for what his parents never taught him.I have just been praying a lot that the Lord would humble his heart to be open to accepting Jesus. He asks questions every now and then, hes been to church with us once for our sons dedication but thats it. I would love to be married first, but its not up to me. I am just lost at what to do. How do i stay with someone that broke such an important promise like having a second child? How do i stay with someone that doesn't respect me enough to make me his wife in a timely manner?
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Cairparavel

Guest
#18
#18
you don't need a marriage certificate to be married in God's eyes. When 2 become one flesh, well basically you are already married, I believe. Sex with anyone else is adultry if you believe what the Bible says. Death is the only separator or if the other person leaves you....just sayin' what i've learned from the Bible. But i'm not trying to come from a place of judgement. I'm just calling it how I see it as it relates to the Bible - the book we should all follow as an example of how how God wants us to live and follow Him. Other people can give you more specific advice...it looks like they already have. My advice is to pray to God about the matter and draw nearer to Him. He is really there for you and loves you more than you can ever imagine. And if you leave him, according to the Bible, you should remain single the rest of your life until that man dies. Then after he dies, you free to marry whoever you wish. It may sound dire, but I didn't make the rules. God did. But of course, someone might say i'm misinterpreting the Bible. Maybe I am. That's why my advice is to pray about it and find a good church to have someone there pray with you. Prayer is key!!
 
A

Atwood

Senior Member
#19
May 1, 2014
4,995
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#19
Cairparavel said:
to be married in God's eyes. When 2 become one flesh, well basically you are already married, I believe. !
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Now if you have a Bible verse to prove that one, bring it forth.

If that were so, then under the Law there would be no command to single persons who fornicate to get married, as they would already be married.
 
JesusLives

JesusLives

Senior Member
#20
Oct 11, 2013
14,554
2,176
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#20
Atwood said:
Now if you have a Bible verse to prove that one, bring it forth.

If that were so, then under the Law there would be no command to single persons who fornicate to get married, as they would already be married.
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Question for you... Did Adam and Eve have a Marriage Certificate? Or was it o.k. because God made Eve for Adam? And then what about all those that followed back in the beginning? Just wondering that's all.
 
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