Why does it seem like so many women in the church are looking for a fictional man?

[secularhermit]

I find girls that are too churchy are a little boring to me...I like girls that don't look to what others think to decide who they are...Don't get me wrong I want a Godly woman...but true godliness don't worry about everyone in church will think or say. True Godliness don't seek honor from men but from God.

That reminded me the churchy woman I married for 13 years. I felt hurt when she said "she loved God more than me" (those days I was oversensitive and weak to hear it) and time has shown me churchiness is not really love for God... It could be a reason to leave hommie responsibilities, their husbands or children, the love of a man or a woman could feel, when he/she is leading or feels part of something bigger than the role of a spouse and, that churchiness is -sometimes- the same thing a person feels for his/her job, because it serves to interact with others, from a different platform he/she has home.

 

[ServantStrike]

So, basically, for lack of a better descriptoin, I see a lot of women who are never going to have to worry about having their hearts broken by a man, because they've already done it themselves.

I think that what I find is that more than wanting a "perfect" man, many women are just desperately seeking any man. Instead of seeking Jesus!

True, there can be loneliness in not being in a relationship. But why not work on that relationship with the one who REALLY matters? And that is Jesus Christ.

I think when you are seeking God with all your heart, and forget about looking for the perfect man or woman, you end up getting so much more, even if it is not a life mate. I have several single women friends who are missionaries, one for over 30 years, and she is more fulfilled and joyful than any married woman I know.

Marriage can have its ups and downs too. And looks and money is a small part of that! Married people may have difficulties with finances in marriage, but I have never heard of a marriage that has been destroyed over looks!

Just my two cents worth!

This, right here!

This is what I should have said. People need to be content and complete all by themselves before they can start dragging others into the equation. Christ is the only way I know to be complete - because the lost world seems to latch on to a thousand different things, none of which complete a person.

 

[secularhermit]

Men do the same. First they think they want a women. Then, not knowing what she will be like, start to imagine. And since they are imagining they might as well imagine her to have all the best features. And they create this women in their minds that don't exist. Now, if a women does not match his grocery list, he won't even consider her. Which is a real blessing for her- because love is not self-seeking. He is not thinking that he wants to show love to her, but rather what can she do for him? Such a man is not capable of love. (Ladies, if he ONLY compliments how you look on the outside and not the inside, red flag).

I live in reality. I know my soulmate won't be perfect, as I am not perfect. I like wonderful features as much as the next person, but when it really comes down to it, I want a man who will genuinely love me. Who will care about how I feel, and hold me when I need to be held. Who can live his life, but looks forward to coming home to me at the end of the day, and feel his life is better with me in it. Rich or poor, as long as whatever we go through we go through it together. No games, no pretend play, no controlling, no arguing- just love.

Absolutelly true!

Six month ago I learned that from a pastor whom I thought it was pastoring... (Ezekiel 34 pictures it well)

 

[secularhermit]

Wow, Kayce!

I read twice the second paragrafh and I found it LOVELY. I hope he reads that, one day: You poured out a heart that seemed hidden.

Congrats! I hope God see the man you deserve.

 

[secularhermit]

So, basically, for lack of a better descriptoin, I see a lot of women who are never going to have to worry about having their hearts broken by a man, because they've already done it themselves.

Agreed on!

I hope CC forums -one day or another- help us all to help others in those areas and subjects we have seen and witnessed.

Sometimes we are misunderstood or lacked the best way to say those things, but I love that honesty shared: Unbelievers don´t say those things better than in here.

 

[secularhermit]

i'd have to agree that on the main, that's probably true.

which is unfortunate, because no amount of what my sister and i jokingly call
'husband training' gets you anywhere,
and over the years a woman will change (we call it aging...lol).

maybe the key is to let God do the changing, and learn contentment?

Willing it or not, both spouses change, like it or not, for the better or worst. The key (too) is our alertness to know when we need a move for the betterment.

 

[Mitspa]

That reminded me the churchy woman I married for 13 years. I felt hurt when she said "she loved God more than me" (those days I was oversensitive and weak to hear it) and time has shown me churchiness is not really love for God... It could be a reason to leave hommie responsibilities, their husbands or children, the love of a man or a woman could feel, when he/she is leading or feels part of something bigger than the role of a spouse and, that churchiness is -sometimes- the same thing a person feels for his/her job, because it serves to interact with others, from a different platform he/she has home.

Ive tried dating the "churchy" girls and figured out that I was expected to think about God and faith and my plans for the future according to what "momma and them" at the church thought was how God did things. Living before other people, even Christians, is a sad way to live. Living before God alone and not giving thought to peoples opinions is a wonderful thing to me.

To be honest many church groups would qualify as a cult? As long as you conform to whatever they "think" is right, they will show you a form of love and acceptance but the moment God calls you into something they don't understand those people who "love" you will pick up stones and take you out...That's the way cults work. Anyway my point was that I like a girl who has real relationship with the Lord and knows who they are in Him and not looking to some group to give her a sense of who she is.

 

[secularhermit]

May seem like it.....but they're not
Just as it may seem we are....but we're not.

I find most Christian women are still very grounded in the fact
that there no such thing as a real Prince Charming,
... they'd be perfectly content with an average guy who follows Christ....and puts down the toilet seat.

Ha! ha! Ha! ha!

The whole world, even unbelievers, do want us to lift up the "ring" toilet seats has when pissing and this asks us to put it down (as you said) to spare them the effort of placing it where they want it and, when I was a child, I´m sure I made things wrong when I wasn´t aware no one likes to get wet with the orine any one has expelled... Why did they forget flushing it then?

 

[secularhermit]

Ive tried dating the "churchy" girls and figured out that I was expected to think about God and faith and my plans for the future according to what "momma and them" at the church thought was how God did things. Living before other people, even Christians, is a sad way to live. Living before God alone and not giving thought to peoples opinions is a wonderful thing to me.

To be honest many church groups would qualify as a cult? As long as you conform to whatever they "think" is right, they will show you a form of love and acceptance but the moment God calls you into something they don't understand those people who "love" you will pick up stones and take you out...That's the way cults work. Anyway my point was that I like a girl who has real relationship with the Lord and knows who they are in Him and not looking to some group to give her a sense of who she is.

Each time I heard "the Bible said..." or "My pastor says..." I ran leaving those red flags no one sees better than you, but I prefered churchies than those who love to go parties or stay out late "with their friends".

At the end of the day, it is up to both partners what life they want to live "together". I will not ask a woman to becaome hommie when I met her knowing she like attending the church or the opera on weekends. I will not ask things I myself I´m not eager to give first, but you know a traveller by the luggage they carry and the thinsg they missed then they left home and couldn´t carry inside a briefcase.

One thing I know, God do not love to choke people so, who am I to do that I don´t want for me? That´s the advantage of friendship and the process of long dating, both partners have the chance to know what they would bring home and we are not furniture, we´re not things bought and cast any place home.

 

[MissCris]

I've seen a trend - one that bugs the heck out of me. I've seen it online and offline. It seems a lot of women in the church are looking for some strange blend of fiction and reality. It's like they're looking for a Disney prince. Some man who's so secure he'll chase them to the ends of the earth, a man who's going to sweep a woman off her feet like tear gas clears a city street.

In a ironic way, I think a lot of women who are never going to have to worry about having their hearts broken by a man - because they've already done it themselves. There are some pretty lofty ideals being thrown around that just aren't all going to exist in the same person. You've got to pick what's important to you and focus on finding just that. And above all else you've got to stop retreating to a safe distance - that place is called the friend zone, which is where a woman who retreats to safety gets to live.

Apparently men need to be a combination of the following:
- Financially secure, which must be code for he makes more than the average person does. Anyone who is in that income class is going to want to stay there - which means they're going to want to see a woman manage her own finances so they know they're not going to be spent poor by the wrong woman. Getting hen pecked (or worse) by one's wife is also a real concern for a lot of men. Most of us do worry on some level if we're going to end up out in the cold if our career takes a nose dive, and that holds true whether we make a little or a lot.

- Super handsome. I've actually heard women on here say that a woman can't look like a disney princess, but a dude can look like a disney prince. In the real world, 90 percent of us can't. A good number of us are going to lose our hair, and for the most part, we're either skinny or heavy, even if we train like crazy. So get used to it, because I know for a fact some of us on here spend several hours a week working out and still don't look like you'd expect.

- A blend between romeo, casanova, and prince charming. A lot of women want to sit there and wait for a man to come up to them and make the entire relationship process go from start to finish. That's exhausting and just thinking about it is enough to make me want to stay single. If you're not going to be emotionally available, then we're not going to pursue you. No one enjoys chasing a woman except psychos. Simply put, a lot of us don't have time for that nonsense, and we're not interested in being a crutch, we want a partner.


So, there you have it.



Cue the flaming, the moaning, and the topic drift in 5... 4.... 3... 2....

From my own experience and observations, I have some ideas on why so many women are this way...

Girls grow up watching Disney movies, reading fairy tales, watching romantic comedies, listening to love songs, and being made fun of by their friends over the boys they have crushes on. Basically, a lot of us have it ingrained in us that men should be romantic, and handsome, and sensitive, and sweet, and very masculine, and willing to cater to our whims, and have a great sense of humor, and just "know" what we want and what we're thinking...the list goes on and on. What a lot of women end up wanting is a man who looks and sounds and feels like a man, but thinks and behaves much like a woman, I think. Or they end up searching for that "perfect" man, the Prince Charming, that can't possibly exist.

And I think it gets even worse for Christian girls/women, who know in their hearts that they should be with a Christian man- women start looking/waiting for a True Christian man who will come along and rescue them and then place them on a pedestal...but that's not going to happen, because a True Christian man will be putting God first, and be busy taking care of his responsibilities. That's not to say there aren't Christian men who are romantic or whatever...it's just that their priorities are going to conflict with what this type of woman has set as her priorities for a man. Does that make sense?

I strongly feel that parents do their daughters a huge disservice by letting them spend too much time in this Fairy Tale Romantic fog...too many Disney movies, too much freedom in the music they listen to, too much allowance for TV and books that paint unrealistic pictures of what a relationship with a man should look like. I'm not saying girls should just never watch/read/listen to this stuff, but it has Got to be tempered, balanced, with the truth...and I don't think that happens enough.

There are good men out there. There are strong Christian men out there. There are men who will treat a woman right, and take care of her, and love her.
These men are highly unlikely to waste their time and energy on a woman who will always be looking past the wonderful qualities he Does possess, while wishing he had the qualities of some story book romantic hero.

Sometimes women "wake up" and realize they've got unrealistic expectations. Sometimes they don't. The ones who Do realize might be miserable for a little while, kicking themselves for being foolish, but the ones who Never realize...they're going to be miserable their entire lives, waiting for their Mr. Darcy or their Prince Charming.

 

[Yeraza_Bats]

When women say financially secure, I always took that as they can pay their bills, not that they have alot of money. Is that not right?

I dont have alot of money, and I would probly take it pretty offensively to be judged by that But I can provide for myself, and others when I need to (in a minimum wage kinda way), so I kinda imagined Im in the clear there

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Agreed, we women tend to have overly romanticized notions of men. Unfortunately those who tend to have a more realistic approach can easily become cynical. And then some who have a healthy outlook on men often are labeled unattractive themselves, so they can't even use that knowledge.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

When women say financially secure, I always took that as they can pay their bills, not that they have alot of money. Is that not right?

I dont have alot of money, and I would probly take it pretty offensively to be judged by that But I can provide for myself, and others when I need to (in a minimum wage kinda way), so I kinda imagined Im in the clear there

Absolutely this. Women need the feeling of security, and that does sometimes translate into financial security, but that has nothing to do with the amount of money someone makes. It has to do with how responsible you are with your money. It doesn't matter whether you make $20k or $200k per year if you are heavily in debt and spending more than you earn. That's my take on it. Same applies to women. I can't imagine a man wanting to marry a woman who couldn't control her spending, or insisted on a lifestyle that the couple simply couldn't afford.

 

[Lynx]

MissChris mentioned romance-comedies influencing how women think of the man they would like to have. It reminded me of a cartoon I saw just today.

Dude 1: "How did you keep Jasmine from finding out you slept through that chick flick you took her to see?"
Dude 2: "By being able to talk about it afterward. I told her it was cool how the guy and girl fell in love though they had nothing in common, and how after growing to hate each other through unrealistic circumstances they were pushed back together by a tragedy that required they work side by side."
Dude 1: "But dude, that could be the plot for just about every rom-com ever... oh. Dude that's brilliant!"
Dude 2: "Yeah, I thought so too."

 

[ServantStrike]

Agreed, we women tend to have overly romanticized notions of men. Unfortunately those who tend to have a more realistic approach can easily become cynical. And then some who have a healthy outlook on men often are labeled unattractive themselves, so they can't even use that knowledge.

What's in a label?

If there's something anyone ever needs to change in their lives, they should just change it. Besides you'd be surprised how much leeway some guys give women in the looks department. As long as someone is working towards a fix, they're usually given credit for having acheived it even if it's still a work in progress. None of us is ever as hard on us as we are on ourselves.

And I think it gets even worse for Christian girls/women, who know in their hearts that they should be with a Christian man- women start looking/waiting for a True Christian man who will come along and rescue them and then place them on a pedestal...but that's not going to happen, because a True Christian man will be putting God first, and be busy taking care of his responsibilities. That's not to say there aren't Christian men who are romantic or whatever...it's just that their priorities are going to conflict with what this type of woman has set as her priorities for a man. Does that make sense?

There are good men out there. There are strong Christian men out there. There are men who will treat a woman right, and take care of her, and love her.
These men are highly unlikely to waste their time and energy on a woman who will always be looking past the wonderful qualities he Does possess, while wishing he had the qualities of some story book romantic hero.

Sometimes women "wake up" and realize they've got unrealistic expectations. Sometimes they don't. The ones who Do realize might be miserable for a little while, kicking themselves for being foolish, but the ones who Never realize...they're going to be miserable their entire lives, waiting for their Mr. Darcy or their Prince Charming.

Hey I've read Jane Austen. I think Darcy is a relatively attainable man (well except the part where he was super loaded). Remember he was hard on Lizzie at the beginning of the book, so he was a flawed protagonist. He dropped the ball several times with Lizzie before he finally got it right, so he was no Disney prince.

Perhaps though, if this is a problem within the church (which I agree with, I've seen more of this in women in the church than in secular society), then the church has failed to do it's job. Marriage gets put on this incredibly lofty pedestal which I think sets an unrealistic expectation up. Subconsciously I think both men and women in the church always look at a date with that in mind (way down the line of course), so they tend to set the bar too high to start.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I guess I'm lucky in that I can't think of a single one of my female Christian friends who has that mindset. The only friends of mine who think that way don't even go to church.

That said, I can believe the assertion that there are women in the church who are looking for a Disney prince, and I think the possible reasons already discussed here are mostly valid. I think it's pretty hard to say how many or even the estimated ratio of women in the church with this mindset, and I hesitate to say that "a lot" or "most" fall into that category. Buuuuuuut that's beside the point.

I wouldn't worry about those types of women, regardless of how many of them exist. Focus on the fact that there are Christian women out there who have a much more level-headed approach to relationships, and keep your eyes peeled for them. I advise women to do the same regarding the men in their lives. That's really the best any of us can do.

 

[ServantStrike]

I guess I'm lucky in that I can't think of a single one of my female Christian friends who has that mindset. The only friends of mine who think that way don't even go to church.

That said, I can believe the assertion that there are women in the church who are looking for a Disney prince, and I think the possible reasons already discussed here are mostly valid. I think it's pretty hard to say how many or even the estimated ratio of women in the church with this mindset, and I hesitate to say that "a lot" or "most" fall into that category. Buuuuuuut that's beside the point.

I wouldn't worry about those types of women, regardless of how many of them exist. Focus on the fact that there are Christian women out there who have a much more level-headed approach to relationships, and keep your eyes peeled for them. I advise women to do the same regarding the men in their lives. That's really the best any of us can do.

This entire thread has backfired. Mostly it was an attempt to vent my frustrations over how ridiculous people on this forum sound sometimes.

Instead I think about half the people who read it think it was one of those "why don't women like me, I'm a nice guy" threads. That was... the opposite of my intention lol.

 

[JesusMyOnly]

Sorry dude that it backfired. I just assumed because you only brought up how some women acted...But you are right none the less.

Its nice to vent frustrations no doubt.

 

[ServantStrike]

Sorry dude that it backfired. I just assumed because you only brought up how some women acted...But you are right none the less.

Its nice to vent frustrations no doubt.

I brought it up because of all the thread crapping of late.

If I'd covered the whiny guys, I'd have probably worn out my keyboard. I'm a lot more qualified to tell them how stupid they sound being a guy.

 

[Seekeroftruth03]

The truth is so many men and women are looking for a relationship that is based on image and perception more than it is based on love. God is suppose to be directing our paths but all too often we try on our own to find the perfect one and we miss out on God's blessing. If He is the one leading us, then whomever He gives us we would be content in that and find real love. But our eyes are always seeking after our own life when we should be first be seeking out the things of God. If we set our eyes on Christ then His plan for our lives will fall into place. I have found myself at times trying much too hard to find someone for my life, my mind always running from one extreme to another to find what I am looking for. But I am learning now to be content with where I am, and I fully believe by giving God control He will meet all my needs. And honestly if we as Christians have enough of Jesus in our hearts we should never feel lonely. But many haven't worked out patience within them. The best way is God's way. The way of the world isn't God's way. It's a fantasy land, and many get swept up into its delusion.