I get the question. Because it is tricky. The same wants you have for a good man can also describe abusive men.
I think the distinction is in how considerate the man is of you, and those around you. It's like the old concept of going on a date and observing how the man treats the waiter, cashier, etc... Is he demanding, complaining, treat them poorly? If something goes wrong with his order does he blow his top, or seem to be trying very hard to not explode? Does he talk down to people?
Another thing to look for is lets say he gets mad and says some things not too nice to you. We can all have bad days or make mistakes. And many will come back and apologize. The key is does he repeat the behavior or does it keep happening? Does he blame you (or the person who is the aim of his anger) for 'making' him mad or does he own his anger as his problem?
When he leads does he lead with demands, or using scripture to guilt or sway you into doing what he says? Does him being the leader mean to him that he has to always be in charge of everything?
Really the best thing to do is study up on the behaviors and red flags of abusive men. Then, when in a relationship, be honest with yourself about what you see. It's easy for a woman to see problems and ignore them, or make excuses. Or to just think 'this could never happen to me'. Because it can happen to anyone, potentially, male or female.
The issue with the strong leadership role is that most guys who adapt to such roles easily or desire them are 'alpha males'. Many (not all) alpha males are strong leaders. Strong work ethics. Are more athletic and can therefore make you feel more protected from any physical harm.
The flip side to alpha males is that they also tend to have less emotions or harder time showing them, leaving you having a lack in your relationship. Because of their leadership tendencies and their physical attributes (things that can be attributed to higher testosterone levels) they puts them at a higher risk of becoming abusive, either verbally or physically. 'Alpha males' that encompass all the positives of their kind and also the level of sensitivity women seek is not common. It's possible but not common.
It also helps to consider that not all leadership is obvious. Sometimes the best leaders are not those that step into the position willingly or eagerly, but those that lead as an equal. I am not an alpha male type, so i don't naturally take to leadership, yet there was a situation years ago where an opportunity came up for a group of us to need a leader. People were insistent i lead. After some debate i reluctantly accepted the role as 'technically' i'm in charge, just because we need that spot filled, but that a few of us were actually leaders. They all agreed, yet in the end i was always placed as the decision maker. I was able to lead when it was needed, but i did not lift myself up as the leader. People became very loyal to me and willing to do anything i asked of them.
So don't presume that a man that doesn't fit your idea of a leader can't lead in another manner. Ideally get to know a man before crossing him off your list, just because he doesn't seem to fit what you're looking for at first glance.
And remember, a good leader is also someone that knows when to delegate. Not need to do everything themselves.
Also, there are married people who use Singles as well. And a number of singles who are divorced or widowed. Some of which came from abusive relationships in the past, whether dating or marriage.
Thanks for posting it because it serves as a reminder for what we who are not leaders should aim for.
