Difficult Friends - When to Help Those Who Hurt, When to Cut Ties?

[Tintin]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I'm going mental here. Currently, I have a few very difficult friends in my life (thankfully, I also have some brilliant friends but I'm unable to see them as often). They make my life a living hell. One 'gift' I apparently have is a gentle, accepting, fun-loving spirit that attracts people that many others wouldn't give the time of day (people who are incredibly needy, have lots of issues (mostly family-related), have extreme social awkwardness, a complete lack of tact, are loud and obnoxious and much more).

Don't get me wrong, I'm no Ghandi (he wasn't all that either, but) and I've had my socially-awkward moments and I've never been on the 'in' crowd, not that I'd want to. To a degree, I have issues with boundaries. I'm good at sticking up for other people, but I'm not good at sticking up for myself (although I'm improving).

I aim to be loving and accepting of everyone (it doesn't always work), but it's super difficult to know where the line is between helping people who really need help and toxic, vampire-istic tendencies in relationships. There's no drugs or alcohol or sex or rock n' roll involved in all of this but there's still a lot of crap dynamics that are poisonous and I don't feel honoured in these relationships. Several milder examples: I don't want these married friends (offline) talking about their own sex lives (I don't need to know!) and trying to match-make me with every freaking woman within five paces!

I don't want to see them a few days a week, I don't want to gloss over the crap in life, I don't want to be told everyone's crap, I don't want to have to help with everyone's crap (I have my own crap to deal with too), because they drive everyone away and have few friends. I need time to heal, and I'm growing in God. I know we can't avoid all obstacles and I see that, I don't expect that. But I don't want this either. And to the difficult friends I say: no, just because I get along with a girl, it doesn't mean I'm romantically interested in her (there are more factors involved).

I think it's important to help people but I also feel so drained - emotionally, spiritually, physically when I deal with these people. They have a lot going on in their lives, but don't we all? I certainly do. I feel so confused and lost in the messiness. I need to focus. I'm not the only one that's going crazy. There are two or three more of us from my church who have to deal with these people on a regular basis (at church and elsewhere).

Father God, grant me the grace
To not slap people in the face.

 

[PopClick]

...and trying to match-make me with every freaking woman within five paces!

Sowwy.

Seriously though, remember how Jesus withdrew from the masses and took His disciples with Him while He prayed and "re-set" (can't think of a better word for it) for a while? He still loved people and wanted to help them, but we do need breaks from the brokenness of others to re-calibrate and deal with things of our own. Just go, and come back to them when you feel ready.

 

[CatHerder]

ahh....you are dealing with the dreaded "VDP's" (very draining people). I have learned this great word that has helped me deal with the VDP's in my life. In fact, I may even go so far as to say that it is a magic word, except the Bible says some pretty strong things against witchcraft, so I won't go there. Would you like to know this great, powerful word that has helped me?

Scroll down.
















more....




















...a little more....






















...almost there!





















OK. It's time to reveal this great and powerful word. Practice saying it. The word is...

 

[Tintin]

Cheers, guys.

Pop, thanks, my dear sister. Yes, that's good advice. Also, I need time to properly heal, to grow in my faith and as a man. Then, when I want to pursue someone of my own choosing, others (difficult offline friends) won't have a say into it. As for everything else, there's something to be said for learning to rest in God. It's hard to find the stillness in the eye of the storm, but it's oh, so necessary.

CatHerder, too right, mate. Too right. I do say NO, but I need to learn to say it more often. I wonder if Bram Stoker based Dracula on a decidedly difficult friend?

 

[kenthomas27]

During this Babylonian type half time going on here, I thought I'd agree with things said, or you, Tintin, can just plead innocent like I do. I pretty much live my life by Proverbs 17:28

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.

 

[jeremyPJ]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I'm going mental here. Currently, I have a few very difficult friends in my life (thankfully, I also have some brilliant friends but I'm unable to see them as often). They make my life a living hell. One 'gift' I apparently have is a gentle, accepting, fun-loving spirit that attracts people that many others wouldn't give the time of day (people who are incredibly needy, have lots of issues (mostly family-related), have extreme social awkwardness, a complete lack of tact, are loud and obnoxious and much more).

Don't get me wrong, I'm no Ghandi (he wasn't all that either, but) and I've had my socially-awkward moments and I've never been on the 'in' crowd, not that I'd want to. To a degree, I have issues with boundaries. I'm good at sticking up for other people, but I'm not good at sticking up for myself (although I'm improving).

I aim to be loving and accepting of everyone (it doesn't always work), but it's super difficult to know where the line is between helping people who really need help and toxic, vampire-istic tendencies in relationships. There's no drugs or alcohol or sex or rock n' roll involved in all of this but there's still a lot of crap dynamics that are poisonous and I don't feel honoured in these relationships. Several milder examples: I don't want these married friends (offline) talking about their own sex lives (I don't need to know!) and trying to match-make me with every freaking woman within five paces!

I don't want to see them a few days a week, I don't want to gloss over the crap in life, I don't want to be told everyone's crap, I don't want to have to help with everyone's crap (I have my own crap to deal with too), because they drive everyone away and have few friends. I need time to heal, and I'm growing in God. I know we can't avoid all obstacles and I see that, I don't expect that. But I don't want this either. And to the difficult friends I say: no, just because I get along with a girl, it doesn't mean I'm romantically interested in her (there are more factors involved).

I think it's important to help people but I also feel so drained - emotionally, spiritually, physically when I deal with these people. They have a lot going on in their lives, but don't we all? I certainly do. I feel so confused and lost in the messiness. I need to focus. I'm not the only one that's going crazy. There are two or three more of us from my church who have to deal with these people on a regular basis (at church and elsewhere).

Father God, grant me the grace
To not slap people in the face.

This sounds just like my adventures at that age. Heck, people still try to do this to me. I've tried going to different places (next county) but then I'm an outsider and they seem to think I'm running from something, and make sure no one gets too close, while the Pastors want to dig every problem in my life out of me. I told them I already see a therapist, they say "but he's not a Christian therapist", I feel like saying no he must be a Satanist lol...I know that's not funny, but you get the picture.

Hopefully someone here can give some advice on this, as it has been a struggle for me too. Anyone...????

 

[Tintin]

During this Babylonian type half time going on here, I thought I'd agree with things said, or you, Tintin, can just plead innocent like I do. I pretty much live my life by Proverbs 17:28

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.

Sorry, brother. I'm not sure what you're saying here. I know about Babylonian stuff but I don't understand what that has to do with half-time, or what half-time even is. Also, would this verse you quoted be aimed at me or my difficult friends? I confess my brain is fried. Normally it fires on all synapses (I mean, cylinders). But not this day.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Several milder examples: I don't want these married friends (offline) talking about their own sex lives (I don't need to know!) and trying to match-make me with every freaking woman within five paces!

I would suggest telling them this It might not be the easiest thing to do, but I think it would help. They can't know you're feeling this way unless you tell them, and holding it in will only drive up your animosity.

Also, this may or may not be the time for it, but there's a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that I've heard has a lot of really good wisdom when it comes to things like this. It might be something to consider reading when you feel up to it.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Sorry, brother. I'm not sure what you're saying here. I know about Babylonian stuff but I don't understand what that has to do with half-time, or what half-time even is. Also, would this verse you quoted be aimed at me or my difficult friends? I confess my brain is fried. Normally it fires on all synapses (I mean, cylinders). But not this day.

With "halftime," he's talking about the Super Bowl haha The Super Bowl has an over-the-top concert during its halftime (halfway point of the game) every year.

 

[kenthomas27]

Sorry, brother. I'm not sure what you're saying here. I know about Babylonian stuff but I don't understand what that has to do with half-time, or what half-time even is. Also, would this verse you quoted be aimed at me or my difficult friends? I confess my brain is fried. Normally it fires on all synapses (I mean, cylinders). But not this day.

Sorry mate - it's an American thing. Tonight is our Super Bowl and during halftime - or a break in the middle of our professional football game - we get entertained; this time by our own Katy Perry who rode in on a 50' mechanical lion.She closed the show with the song Fireworks, but it kinda reminded me of a show the Babylonians might have thrown.

So basically, it didn't have anything to do with anything you said. Which is why I fall back on Proverbs 17:28 and will say nothing further.

 

[Tintin]

I would suggest telling them this It might not be the easiest thing to do, but I think it would help. They can't know you're feeling this way unless you tell them, and holding it in will only drive up your animosity.

Also, this may or may not be the time for it, but there's a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that I've heard has a lot of really good wisdom when it comes to things like this. It might be something to consider reading when you feel up to it.

Thanks, Chandler. I do tell them how I feel about it all, but either they don't listen or I don't do it enough. But with these people you have to pick your battles about what you do address, otherwise you would have a full-time job just trying to keep them in line/help them. Thanks also for the book recommendation. My brother is actually listening to an e-Book of that Boundaries book. I might have to give it a listen too. Thanks again, brother.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Thanks, Chandler. I do tell them how I feel about it all, but either they don't listen or I don't do it enough. But with these people you have to pick your battles about what you do address, otherwise you would have a full-time job just trying to keep them in line/help them. Thanks also for the book recommendation. My brother is actually listening to an e-Book of that Boundaries book. I might have to give it a listen too. Thanks again, brother.

I would say that if they don't respect your wishes, then perhaps it is time to cut ties, but I know that's easier said than done. I hope you see some improvement and relief on that front, though

 

[Tintin]

Sorry mate - it's an American thing. Tonight is our Super Bowl and during halftime - or a break in the middle of our professional football game - we get entertained; this time by our own Katy Perry who rode in on a 50' mechanical lion.She closed the show with the song Fireworks, but it kinda reminded me of a show the Babylonians might have thrown.

So basically, it didn't have anything to do with anything you said. Which is why I fall back on Proverbs 17:28 and will say nothing further.

Haha! No worries. Thanks for explaining. No need to apologise. It does sound a bit odd but the whole riding on a mechanical lion does sound pretty cool, Babylonian imagery aside. Let's take that in a Lion of Judah/Aslan direction instead. Cheers.
Ah, yes, the Super Bowl. I admit I have little interest in sports (sorry) but even we have some big sports thing going on here in Australia. It's tennis-related, but I'm like *snore*. Yeah, I don't see the appeal myself, but that's okay. Other people can enjoy sports for me.

 

[Lynx]

Sometimes you have to let a friend know he has crossed a line. I have had multiple friends use talking to me as a pressure release valve and I'm fine with that, but if they get into stuff I don't want or need to know (i.e. gossip, talking bad about people just for the pleasure of putting people down) I say whoa, tmi. I've also had friends who kept harping on me about finding a girl until I had to tell them rather pointedly (because they weren't getting the hint when I tried to tell them nicely) that if they didn't stop I was going to have to put some distance between me and them.

Sometimes a friend is a good thing to have. Sometimes you just wanna grab a baseball bat and chase them down...

A lot of your stress could be alleviated if you will learn how to politely say "that's enough and too much, I don't need to hear that."

 

[psychomom]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I'm going mental here. Currently, I have a few very difficult friends in my life (thankfully, I also have some brilliant friends but I'm unable to see them as often). They make my life a living hell. One 'gift' I apparently have is a gentle, accepting, fun-loving spirit that attracts people that many others wouldn't give the time of day (people who are incredibly needy, have lots of issues (mostly family-related), have extreme social awkwardness, a complete lack of tact, are loud and obnoxious and much more).

idk if this will be helpful, but i have a friend of 25 years who was very much as you describe.
she had a sorta sad history (i know, who doesn't? but hers is pretty tragic), and was needy,
and draining. to most people.

the other ladies in our circle would ask me how in the world i could be so close to her.
(and yes, that made me uncomfortable in itself)
but, you know, it was easy. i had a lot of wonderful friends feeding me, which helped with the depletion biz.
but, mostly, God gave me grace for her. i didn't have to try to love her; i just did.

perhaps that may be one way we can know it's right?

caveat: this was one woman...i feel for you.
but she's grown to be one of my 'go to' people...she's really quite lovely.

 

[Tintin]

idk if this will be helpful, but i have a friend of 25 years who was very much as you describe.
she had a sorta sad history (i know, who doesn't? but hers is pretty tragic), and was needy,
and draining. to most people.

the other ladies in our circle would ask me how in the world i could be so close to her.
(and yes, that made me uncomfortable in itself)
but, you know, it was easy. i had a lot of wonderful friends feeding me, which helped with the depletion biz.
but, mostly, God gave me grace for her. i didn't have to try to love her; i just did.

perhaps that may be one way we can know it's right?

caveat: this was one woman...i feel for you.
but she's grown to be one of my 'go to' people...she's really quite lovely.

Psychomom, good point, but I just don't know. This particular woman has a husband and with the way she takes over my life (in public), anyone would think she were my wife. And that is not on! Not on at all! It makes me so mad! Besides, she could be scaring away others - both men and especially women. I'm trying to learn to rest in God but then there's this bollocks. It's not working...

Lynx, a few of these friends are male, one is female. She's the most difficult one to handle. She walks all over her husband and when people lovingly challenge her she storms off crying or whatever. It's ridiculous. She has Aspergers and some other learning difficulties/disabilities, but that's no excuse to not honour people and for her to consume my life (and several others). I know other people with Aspergers who are nothing like that, it's not good enough! She doesn't get the hint. I just... struggle.

 

[psychomom]

Psychomom, good point, but I just don't know. This particular woman has a husband and with the way she takes over my life (in public), anyone would think she were my wife. And that is not on! Not on at all! It makes me so mad! Besides, she could be scaring away others - both men and especially women. I'm trying to learn to rest in God but then there's this bollocks. It's not working...

you're quite right about the situation with that woman...totally not cool!
in your place, i think i would choose to cut ties.
which sounds a whole lot easier than it may actually be.

it amazes me her husband tolerates it. my husband would
1) beat you up. haha
2) have a few things to say to me.

i'm so sorry...this, on top of other stuff.
i'm praying for you, bro. (r-e-a-l-l-y praying)

love,
ellie

 

[Tintin]

I would beat me up too (if I were your husband).

The husband is a 'nice' guy, if you know what I mean. He's respectful of others, loving, kind-hearted etc. but he's not leading the marriage, he's very passive. I pity him, I really do. He puts up with a lot of crap and I do my best to stick up for him but yeah... And now she wants me to find friends for him. It's not in my freaking job description! I have my own life. Go away! (to her, not you). I'm working on my confidence levels and I've improved but at this rate, I'll be a nervous wreck within no time. This bull has brought me to tears more than once. It's intense, so intense. People should only be given one personality, not 10, like she does. That's too much!

Thank you for praying, Ellie (you have a beautiful name, my dear sister!)

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I would beat me up too (if I were your husband).

The husband is a 'nice' guy, if you know what I mean. He's respectful of others, loving, kind-hearted etc. but he's not leading the marriage, he's very passive. I pity him, I really do. He puts up with a lot of crap and I do my best to stick up for him but yeah... And now she wants me to find friends for him. It's not in my freaking job description! I have my own life. Go away! (to her, not you). I'm working on my confidence levels and I've improved but at this rate, I'll be a nervous wreck within no time. This bull has brought me to tears more than once. It's intense, so intense. People should only be given one personality, not 10, like she does. That's too much!

Thank you for praying, Ellie (you have a beautiful name, my dear sister!)

Ah, this sounds exhausting and draining and is definitely something you need to distance yourself from. For your own good as well as hers and her husband's.

At this point I would just tell her that you are going through some things yourself that you need to concentrate on, so you are going to need to step away from everything that you possibly can to concentrate on God. Hopefully this explanation (which is true) will be sufficient for her to understand, consider YOUR needs, and not be offended. Then I would simply not be available to her in whatever ways you have been in the past.

(((HUGS)))

Sometimes God drags us to the point that we can't take anymore so that we will gather up our courage and do what needed doing probably for some time now anyway. Get to it.

 

[cinder]

Let's see things that come to mind in no particular order:

If you're like me, when you come across hurting people you need to be reminded that you are not the savior. It is not your job to fix anyone or rescue them from their troubles. It is good to be compassionate, but it is also good to remember people are responsible to make their own choices and God has other people to get through to them when you just aren't up to it.

Don't be afraid to get up and walk away from the conversation if necessary, or tell someone you aren't willing to listen to them talk about X.

Be stubborn and get your jerk face on. I can only say this because I'm pretty sure you are an overly nice guy, but often the only way to end manipulative behavior is to appear stoic and unfeeling about it. The whole "I don't care how much you cry or how horrible you make it sound, it's still not my problem" attitude can work wonders.

Now did I do much of that with the last needy friend that I cared a lot about? Nope, sometimes it's really hard to let people you care about hurt, even when it is the only way they'll learn.

I wonder if Bram Stoker based Dracula on a decidedly difficult friend?

Actually it was based off of a Romanian count named Vlad Tepes. He didn't necessarily drink blood, but he was rumored to do stuff like eat his dinner surrounded by dying enemies (he was also known as Vlad the impaler). Yeah you can look him up but that's probably enough for public CC posting. Except to say that in all my travels I actually did visit one of Dracula's castles (well the ruins at least). (Yep my history nerd side strikes again)