Hi everyone, my husband and I are both christian, and have been married only 7 months. However, it already feels like we are an "old married couple".. And not in a good way. We constantly argue, sex feels like a chore to me, and there's deadly silence that lasts most of the day unless we're making small chat. I've tried to tell my husband that I need romance, and I need him to ask me how my day is going, and just act like he cares in general, but nothing has happened. I think we've been on one date since we've been married, and it was mostly silence at the table. In public, we put on this great show and everyone thinks we are so in love, but at home, I feel like I am completely alone. He is extremely distant unless I blow up and cry and yell, but that can't be healthy to have to do every time I need some affection. If something he does hurts my feelings and I tell him, he usually just loses his temper, says I'm being crazy, and then we sit in silence until he changes the subject and talks about the weather and pretends nothing ever happened. If I try to resolve things, he just loses his temper again so I've learned to just drop it and suck up any hurt I may have. I feel extremely alone and unappreciated.... The idea that it's already this bad terrifies me. I don't want to live our entire lives like this. I don't know what else to do. I've tried giving him time, I've tried praying, we pray together every night, we go to church, we've even gone to counseling even though he stopped going, and the cycle just never ends....
Do I stay and let the resentment and hurt silently build every day, or do I leave and hope he finds someone who makes him happier?
Many years ago, my wife and I lived overseas. We actually had a maid. They were so cheap to hire and give someone a job. It was a predominantly Muslim country, and the maids all went home for Idul Fitri. Just about anyone with a maid in the city was maidless for a week. I was looking forward to the break for the holiday to take care of some things, but then I spent a lot of time mopping floors and doing dishes and so did my wife. My mug broke at or before the beginning o the week and we had all these glasses that looked alike. I don't like to drink after people or drink water out of a glass I had milk in hours before, so I'd get a new glass from time to time. It burned my wife up that I wasn't using the same glass all day long.
After a few days, things were really tense between us. She was really grumpy. So I told her we needed to pray about this. I asked the Lord to send His Spirit to work on our hearts to bring forgiveness, healing. I told her we could confess any sins and forgive.
Just a few minutes later, all that resentment was gone. I know this is a shorter time frame than what's been going on with you. But if you two actually forgive each other and pray and let the Lord work in your marriage, He can take care of this ill will between you. I think if you both had a good heart-to-heart and some prayer where you both humbled yourselves and asked forgiveness for being harsh to each other, that this stuff could be resolved. Even the sexual part wouldn't have to feel like a chore if you both were in a right place with each other.
Ideally, the husband should suggest to his wife that you do this, but you could also. Why don't you suggest that you pray together every day or every night. I've read that far less than 1% of married Christian couples who pray together regularly get divorced. The rates for those who profess to be evangelical Christians are close to those of the secular world in the US. So praying together is something to think about. I don't think praying together just makes people who hate each other have the power to stay together. I believe it also helps the relationship.
There are also some things that you can do as a wife to help encourage him to be kind and loving. If you are very kind and loving to him, that can help. I Peter 3 says that a wife being submissive to a husband who does not obey the truth might even win him. So it is also important as a wife to be submissive to your husband.
What kinds of things do you like him to do for you? I was thinking yesterday that I really do like it if I've worked hard on something and my wife shows me some appreciation and even affection because of it. My wife appreciates that, too. I like it if I come home and my wife is excited to see me. She pays attention to me and gives me a big hug and a kiss when I come in. My wife likes that sort of thing, too. So I can make my wife enjoy the marriage more by showing some genuine appreciation for things she does, by greeting her if she comes home from shopping, and things like that. If I do that, she may do the same thing more as well. My wife likes it if I drink tea or coffee with her and chat for a while. Unless I'm working a 14 hour day or something like that, drinking tea or coffee with my wife is an easy way to connect with her and make her feel appreciated.
If you both get to the point where you know buttons to push to make the other person feel appreciated, respected, loved, etc., then marriage can be enjoyable. If he's not doing that, maybe he's upset because you are pushing the wrong buttons, or he doesn't know what buttons to push. Or he just hasn't thought about it or figured this thing out. So you can start trying to make a change in the marriage.
There are lots of things to experiment with. How about this? Let's say you are at home before he gets home from work. You make a drink he likes, tea, lemonade, or whatever. When he comes home, you greet him at the door with a hug and a passionate kiss. Ask him if he'd like to sit down and have a glass of lemonade. You just made some with him. Sit down on the floor at his feet leaning against his leg as he drinks it. That might be a good time to suggest ways to improve the marriage. Don't yell suggestions for how to improve the marriage during an argument. Do it while he's relaxed. Be very calm about it.
When we first got married, my wife would approach something she'd want to address in our marriage with, "Do you mind if I tell you something?" while we were laying in bed in one another's embrace. Of course, I'd say yes. Then, very gently, she'd bring up a sensitive topic. That was the best way to do it. There have been times when she'd get upset and say the same sort of thing in an angry tone of voice. That didn't help nearly as much. If someone is upset and attacks something you do, you don't really hear much of what they are saying as you formulate your response or try to process all the extra unneeded drama and emotion that goes with it. Being gentle and respectful is best. Proverbs 25:15 says that a soft word can break a bone. Staying humble, even if you've had arguments in the past, can really help resolve conflicts and bring healing. God gives grace to the humble, and it sounds like you need His help.
You could also gently suggest that you confess your sins to each other and pray with and for each other about forgiveness and having a good marriage. You could write up a list beforehand of little things you like him to do. Not like buying diamonds,
but things like asking you how your day was, or drinking tea with you, or greeting you with a hug and a kiss, or the way he talks to you.
Maybe your husband is an introvert and doesn't like to talk a lot. If there is no resentment between you, you might be able to sit in silence without tension, or you may talk a lot more. If he's the quiet type or tired from work, you may learn not to let a little silence bother you. If I am totally stressed out, sometimes I want silence. My wife wants to talk. We have to work on that.
I'd suggest you read 'Love and Respect' by Eggerichs. My wife and I had a Sunday School class at church based on this book with a lot of other married couples and they all seemed to think it was helpful and useful. It's written by a man, so you will get a lot of insight into how a man ticks and what helps you get along with a man. But for a book written by a man, I think it does a pretty good job of telling men how to get along with their wives. The wives in the class seemed to think it was helpful.
If you two were to divorce and remarry over this, the Bible calls that adultery, and you don't want to do that. And it wouldn't make sense to divorce and marry someone else and experience the same stuff in that marriage. That's what happens a lot, unresolved issues are taken into other marriages, and that's probably why those who have been divorced have so high of a chance of being divorced again, one reason at least.
