I need a man's perspective please.

[soccermom19]

I have been going through marital issues for some time now. I feel fairly sure I am doing as God would have me to do. However, some recent conversations I have had on this site made me want to get a man's perspective on things. I would appreciate some input from the men out there on the following abbreviated situation.
In April 2013 your wife finds evidence that you have been having an affair for the last year. You tell her you are sorry and that it happened because of the excitement of having someone else want you. You agree to be honest and more open with your wife, to never speak to the other woman again, to never cheat again, and to not make your wife feel bad for questioning you in the future because you broke her trust. After several months you gain her trust back and things are close to normal again.
Then in April 2014, your wife discovers an empty condom wrapper and a bar receipt among the items you recently emptied from your pants pocket. You tell her that you only had dinner at the bar/diner and the condom was something you jokingly threw at a friend. Your wife asks you to call your friend and let her speak to him. She wanted to tell your friend that the two of you had a bet about the other night and she needed him to tell her what you threw at him. You refuse to make the call. You tell her that she should trust you because nothing happened. (FYI: You don't use condoms with your wife, you haven't in over 15 years). Having no concrete proof: your wife lets this slide but is untrusting again.
Then in September 2014, your wife discovers another affair with a different woman. She says she stills loves you but you have to leave. You tell her you love her and want to stay. You will do anything she asks. She doesn't file any legal papers, she allows you to stay at the house when visiting with the kids, the two of you agree on financial arrangements and you move over an hour away.
A couple months later, you tell your wife that you want to come home. She says that before she will consider allowing it, that YOU have to make an appointment for marriage counseling and the two of you must work some things out together in counseling.

What is your perspective, as the husband? How would you feel and react if you were this man, honestly?

I think it is a perfectly reasonable request to make. I think that if the husband truly wants to save his marriage and come home, he should be willing to put his marriage first for once and make the appointment. I think the wife should stand strong. I think that her husband will not change if he doesn't have to face his indiscretions and admit his behavior. His family doesn't even know that he isn't living with his wife and kids. I think he is waiting for the wife to allow him back home, hoping that everything will be the same. He said that he talked to his wife about it and there is no need to talk with anyone else.

So, what do you think? Is the wife being reasonable or unreasonable? Should she stand strong or should she make the appointment herself?

 

[f4ufighter777]

To me - this sounds as-if this marriage is under an "unequal yoke," i.e. what's important to one is-not to the other and vice- versa. A lot of Local Church Religion marriages suffer under The Unequal Yoke, in today's times of America being "the chief pagan nation of this World's System - so ruling over it!!!

Biblical Marriages will overcome America's Modern Paganism where most Local Church Religion marriages will-fail!!! Things have-not-only been-betting worse and worse and worse Re Biblical Morality and Economics, for a long time - they now are getting worse and worse - faster and faster!!!

The worse scenario of The Unequal Yoke is False Interpretation of Scriptural Doctrine, via Local Church Religion. When this is True - neither spouse can-know that such-teachings are false consequently - these families mover farther and farther away from Jesus while thinking just the opposite! Ultimately - the worse sufferers are "the children!" As long as The Unequal Yoke prevails, in the Modern American Local Church home - there is no remedy! Yet - True Understanding, of such a matter, can provide "a way to endure," the suffering and-so - overcome it! Such Understanding Can Be Provided By THE HOLY SPIRIT - ONLY - so-replacing "the false understanding," of Local Church Religion!!! This is THE VERY REASON that "only a few," ever-find Jesus' Way!!!

One site that can help is <founders.org> and one pastor that can help, including his wife is Local Church Pastor Charles Jennings c/o <truthinhistory.org>

Following are-some Truths Re Local Church Religion:
{It is TOO LATE to pray for America: Isaiah tells us re times “such as these,” – THE LORD WILL NOT HEAR our prayers AND America (and all her Biblical Sister Nations) has-long-since followed “the same pattern,” of National Cultural Destruction THAT her genetic ancestors i.e. The Historic, Flesh and Blood, Non-Jewish House of Jacob-Israel – followed into Divine Judgment (without Rapture) over and over and over!!!}
{It is TOO EARLY to-employ “The Obedience,” of 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] Chronicles 7:14 FOR - Divine Intervention as The Disclaimer, in Verse 13 tells us THAT Verse 14 WILL NOT WORK as-long-as THE LORD’S OWN people, have sufficient access, to Resource and Energy enough, TO OBEY the prophets, in putting THE EVIL, out of The Land – SO STAYING Impending Divine Judgment!!!}
{Religious Prison has “no iron bars” YET it is Absolutely-Secure IN-THAT there has-been no-escapes from it, NO, NOT ONE, in-over 2000 years – ONLY Pardons!!! It is “the only prison,” WHEREBY “those so incarcerated,” of their-own selves CANNOT KNOW THAT they-are so-incarcerated!!!)
{still looking for allies re The Edomite (3 generation) Culture War, against The Bible (consequently against Christ) THOUGH they have-long-since "won it" THOUGH only on an-informal-basis WHILE formality cannot-be very-far away THEN, HE WILL DELIVER, HIS OWN people, into Great Tribulation, once again, THOUGH – this time FOR -"the last time!!!"}
{“none are-more hopelessly-enslaved than-those who falsely-believe they are-free” – Johann Gothe}
{“The Religiously-Lost, of their-own facilities, cannot-know THAT they-are Religiously-Lost!!!” – The Bible}
When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty.

~~Thomas Jefferson



(When Edomite-Washington DC, wrote Christ, its “bill of divorcement,” by tossing, HIS LAW, out of America, as-if IT-WERE, some “smelly sack of garbage,” – man’s local church “co-signed it,” by just-singing AMAZING GRACE and VICTORY IN JESUS as-if ONLY NOTHING “was wrong,” – this act of Absolute Apathy disenfranchised HIM From, Any Longer, BEING America’s BENEFACTOR and-was “The Foundation,” THAT ALL OF America’s Great National Tragedies WOULD INDEED HAPPEN and-was The Foundation THAT Edom-Washington DC WOULD continually-follow, “it’s same course today of Illegally-Legally (i.e. violating The Constitution WHILE-Making “law of The Land) legislating “evil to be good,” AND “good to be evil!!!” Consequently – 1000s of otherwise-innocent lives, are destroyed 24/7 via “the many aspects,” of America’s “pagan culture,” of Death (America was-born with The Biblical Culture of Life!!!)!!!



[FONT=&quot]{SO, SINCE Edom-Jewry Communism has-murdered “hundreds of millions,” (and murders millions-more, each year) AND it is the: "finest ideals of the Edomite-Jewish mind" WHAT - does this tell-us about Edom-Jewry AND about who-blesses “these ideals,” by continually-blessing Communism’s Headquarters i.e. The Political State of Israel (not-to-be confused with The True Israelites, of The Flesh and Blood House of Jacob-Israel) WHEREBY America has-long-since become “the most Divinely-Cursed nation so-blessing her FORMER BENEFACTOR’S “racial enemies WHEREAS this is Biblically-Forbidden!!!?[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Anti-Communism is Anti-Semitism.”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Jewish Voice, July - August 1941.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Some call it Communism, I call it Judaism.” [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Rabbi Stephen Weiss.}[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
scripturesforamerica.org amprom.org kingidentity.com thetruthseeker.co.uk
amren.com infowars.com seek-info.com israelect.com missiontoisrael.org
wnd.com truthinhistory.org blacklistednews.com hoffman-info.com
thetomatobubble.com goggle: “red jewry” and “edom jewry”
From The Biblical Prospective “things,” have-been getting “worse and worse,” for “The Traditional American people,” for the past 3 generations AND FOR TOO LONG “these things,” have-been getting “worse and worse,” faster and faster!!!
From The Edomite Prospective “things,’ (re America) have-been getting “better and better,” for them, for the past 3 generations AND FOR TOO LONG “these things,” have-been getting “better and better,” faster and faster!!!
One already consequence, America has-long-since been-transformed into This World System’s Chief Pagan Nation, so-ruling over it!!!
Another consequence has-been The Transformation of America’s Original, Inherent-Biblical “Culture of Life,” INTO The Same Old, Anti-Christ, Babylonian “Culture of Death!!!” America – just like the-rest of here genetic-sister nations FEATURES The Culture of Death!!!
All this while – ALL that has-been heard-from The American-Made, 501c3, Mainstream, Local Church System re this, is-singing AMAZING GRACE and VICTORY IN JESUS as-if ONLY NOTHING is wrong!!! Consequently – The Current “Handwriting On The Wall,” Testifies of THE LORD’S Condemnation of America WITHOUT Rapture (this is not “the time,” to be ignorant of The Sowing and Reaping Doctrine!!!)!!!

 

[psychomom]

f4ufighter777, i don't mean to be impolite, but how in the world is that to help
the woman asking the question?

she needs perspective, not propaganda.

 

[Percepi]

I feel like you're being completely reasonable, given what information you have provided us.

The simple reason why men cheat? It's usually because they're unsatisfied with their current relationship. But why are they unsatisfied? That's where it gets a bit tricky, and I think that might be the question you need to ask.

One reason I know of as to why some men cheat is because they feel lonely. Many relationships begin to feel loveless for one reason or another. Sometimes the husband is almost completely ignored as his wife puts all of her free time into her children (wives should always make some time for their husbands to keep the relationship healthy). Sometimes, relationships just sour and the woman begins to act more distant. Do either of these sound like your relationship? (The reverse is also true for women feeling unloved)

There are probably a plethora of other reasons why he feels like sleeping with other women, but I can't really think of any. It's not my field of expertise.

Often, people drive their significant others to cheat. To be frank, it's possible you might be doing something that makes him feel insecure with his marriage. That's not to say it's your fault he's cheating, he has to take responsibility. But you can sometimes fix the cheating problem if you can fix the underlying problem.

I think your best bet is to be honest with yourself and consider the possibility that you might not be entirely innocent yourself. I think you should also seek marriage counseling.

 

[soccermom19]

F4ufighter777,

Perhaps you misunderstood what I asked. However, I would like you to know that I am a born again Christian. I am saved by the grace of God. My sins are forgiven because I repent of them and accept Jesus as my Savior. When I married my husband, over 18 years ago, I took vows before God saying "till death do us part". I meant those vows. My husband claims to be a Christian. I doubt that he truly is, however, that is for him and God to know and not for me to judge.
I am being a Christian woman, holding my vows sacred even though my husband does not, and practicing forgiveness. Trust me when I say it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
The purpose of this post was to gain a male perspective on reasonableness or anything a man can add that I may not be seeing.

 

[soccermom19]

I feel like you're being completely reasonable, given what information you have provided us.

The simple reason why men cheat? It's usually because they're unsatisfied with their current relationship. But why are they unsatisfied? That's where it gets a bit tricky, and I think that might be the question you need to ask.

One reason I know of as to why some men cheat is because they feel lonely. Many relationships begin to feel loveless for one reason or another. Sometimes the husband is almost completely ignored as his wife puts all of her free time into her children (wives should always make some time for their husbands to keep the relationship healthy). Sometimes, relationships just sour and the woman begins to act more distant. Do either of these sound like your relationship? (The reverse is also true for women feeling unloved)

There are probably a plethora of other reasons why he feels like sleeping with other women, but I can't really think of any. It's not my field of expertise.

Often, people drive their significant others to cheat. To be frank, it's possible you might be doing something that makes him feel insecure with his marriage. That's not to say it's your fault he's cheating, he has to take responsibility. But you can sometimes fix the cheating problem if you can fix the underlying problem.

I think your best bet is to be honest with yourself and consider the possibility that you might not be entirely innocent yourself. I think you should also seek marriage counseling.

Thank you for your response. The only reason my husband will give for cheating is excitement, something new. After the first time, I took the approach that it was somehow my fault. I went to counseling. I went out of my way to do the things he liked. This did no good. I always have been the nurturing attentive one. If anyone should have felt neglected it was me. I never denied him or turned him away, not once. I never take time for myself. I take care of him, the kids, the house, and my job.
I resent the saying "it takes two", it is not always true. In the almost two years since I discovered the cheating, I am the only one who has tried to change or made any effort. Now it is his turn.

 

[Ugly]

Not only reasonable, but lenient. After two confirmed and a likely third affair, willing to go back after a few months Before having counseling is more than reasonable. The counseling she be taking place before she moves back. Otherwise all he has to do is go to one or two, or not go at all. The likelihood she will turn around and move out a second time that closely after the first is low. So if he's not willing to spend a few months in counseling first he's not sincere.
Some people want to save their marriage so they can have 'the best of both worlds'. The nice home life with a wife and security and stability, then the excitement of a fling on the side. I'm not a psychic, but i'd guess this is what he's attempting.
But, really, it's no surprise he would make the feeble attempt he is. She knows he's cheated twice, maybe three times, yet she's still even considering going back. And if he's had 2-3 there's no reason to not believe he's had more. She has 'sucker' tattooed across her forehead. Sad thing is when he keeps cheating she's going to keep being surprised.

 

[soccermom19]

Thank you.
She made him move out. She is not willing to consider letting him back home until after counseling is completed. She is not blind or naive. She believes there have probably been other times. She would not be surprised if there was someone else right now. She is doing her duty as a Christian wife by forgiving and allowing him the opportunity to change and save the marriage. However, she does not believe that it is very likely to happen. She is trying to be patient and let God work on her husband before doing anything more drastic than separating.

 

[presidente]

I'm wondering if he has some kind of big fear of counseling. I knew a man who wouldn't go to counseling. He was into porn and pot, not extramarital affairs. He was scared some counselor would tell his wife to leave him. Some men have a strong aversion to counseling. Other than that, I don't see why he wouldn't go along with counseling.

Women will sit around and talk about their marriage problems and sex lives with other women. This seems to be common with women. High school boys in the locker room will talk about sex. They might lie or tell true stories. But I don't hear a lot of men talk about their sex lives with their wives to other men, especially not problems in the bedroom. Men don't talk about these things as freely with women. Counseling may seem like a bigger deal to some men than women.

 

[RickyZ]

I think it is a perfectly reasonable request to make. I think that if the husband truly wants to save his marriage and come home, he should be willing to put his marriage first for once and make the appointment. I think the wife should stand strong. I think that her husband will not change if he doesn't have to face his indiscretions and admit his behavior. His family doesn't even know that he isn't living with his wife and kids. I think he is waiting for the wife to allow him back home, hoping that everything will be the same.

I can't add much more than amen to this. Pretty much sums it up.

I'm wondering if he has some kind of big fear of counseling. I knew a man who wouldn't go to counseling. He was into porn and pot, not extramarital affairs. He was scared some counselor would tell his wife to leave him. Some men have a strong aversion to counseling.

Well, yeah, most people men or women fear having to air their dirty laundry and confess by force in front of others. And often they're scared the counseling is going to force them to give up something they don't really want to give up. I mean, an alcoholic who doesn't really want to dry out doesn't appreciate being dragged into AA meetings.

 

[sc81]

F4ufighter777,

Perhaps you misunderstood what I asked. However, I would like you to know that I am a born again Christian. I am saved by the grace of God. My sins are forgiven because I repent of them and accept Jesus as my Savior. When I married my husband, over 18 years ago, I took vows before God saying "till death do us part". I meant those vows. My husband claims to be a Christian. I doubt that he truly is, however, that is for him and God to know and not for me to judge.
I am being a Christian woman, holding my vows sacred even though my husband does not, and practicing forgiveness. Trust me when I say it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
The purpose of this post was to gain a male perspective on reasonableness or anything a man can add that I may not be seeing.

why do you want to take him to counselling, he has broken his vows most likely more than once, he has no respect for you or anything God has to say. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you let them take continued advantage of you, you do not need to keep a marriage like this going when you have a biblical valid reason for a divorce.

he's not sorry for breaking his vows, he's sorry he got caught if he was having an affair for over a year.

 

[Hungry]

Sounds like a midlife crisis. Men are brainwashed into thinking sexual exploits, being desired and satisfying women (plural) is what makes them manly. I think it affirms him as a man. I believe that how we define ourselves is what dictates our decisions. Does someone get up in the morning to workout because they want to be an athlete? Or does someone get up in the morning and workout because they are an athlete? I think it is the latter. The same holds true for sinning. Does someone try not to sin because they want to be Christian? Or does someone not sin because they are Christian? Identity is key to behaviour. Now back to compulsive cheating. First he needs to be unbrainwashed and relearn that what makes a man has nothing to do with sex. Then he needs to identify who he is and what that means to him. If he identifies himself as a child of God, husband and father, you have a chance. He will naturally assimilate to that role. If he identifies himself as "man" and believes what he has been taught from childhood, that men are seducers of women and polygamous in nature then he will continue to cheat no matter what you do. He will think he is unable to change even if he wants to.

 

[nw2u]

"NOT Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity", Shirley Glass, Ph.D. I've been told it's a good read.
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: 9780743225502: Amazon.com: Books

She's not crazy. The word "exposure" comes to mind. He has to do some heavy lifting, much heavy lifting.

 

[Dan58]

Your being more than fair... If my wife caught me having an affair (or vice versa), there would be no second chances. You gave him a second chance and he was unfaithful again, so if I were in his place, I wouldn't expect any compromise. Don't take him back if he refuses counseling, just serve him divorce papers and tell him to go live with one of the little tramps he was screwing around with. Don't blame yourself or accept his excuses, you and your kids deserve better.

The saying "it takes two" just means that it takes two to make a marriage work. From what you wrote, there's only been "one" who's tried to make it work. The reason a man doesn't cheat on his wife is because he loves her more than himself. But your husband obviously puts his own needs and desires ahead of you. That simply demonstrates a lack of love.

The reason Jesus called us by faith is because being faithful demonstrates love. We reject all other gods and are faithful to Christ because we love no other. Your husbands unfaithfulness is tantamount to you professing Christ while worshipping Allah. Just curious, what do you suppose your husbands reaction would be if you told him that you were involved with another man? And you refused counseling?

 

[mystikmind]

As a man, it pisses me off to hear about men that cheat, especially because i managed to stay loyal to my wife for 3 years (married for 6) and we only had sex twice in that entire time and now she is divorcing me. Even when our relationship was at its most bitter and distant, i still did not cheat, never even considered it, it is not hard to do, If you want to know what is hard, loving your wife so that she feels loved is what is hard (for some of us men anyway, me especially).

But also i don't know what i would have done if i had been seriously tempted... but i was smart enough to avoid temptation, and this is a key point.... If a man (or even a woman) cheats, you need to ask yourself this question, were they the 'hunter' or the 'hunted'? If they were the 'hunted' one then there is a much better chance they won't cheat again, just avoid temptation. If they were the hunter then that is a much more difficult thing to deal with.

 

[levi85]

This is a serious matter, and needs God's guidance, so please pray fervently, and the Holy Spirit would guide.


when a righteous man falls down, he gets up.

i would surely ask you for forgiveness, and lead a beautiful life with the family.

GOd bless!

 

[tourist]

I have been going through marital issues for some time now. I feel fairly sure I am doing as God would have me to do. However, some recent conversations I have had on this site made me want to get a man's perspective on things. I would appreciate some input from the men out there on the following abbreviated situation.
In April 2013 your wife finds evidence that you have been having an affair for the last year. You tell her you are sorry and that it happened because of the excitement of having someone else want you. You agree to be honest and more open with your wife, to never speak to the other woman again, to never cheat again, and to not make your wife feel bad for questioning you in the future because you broke her trust. After several months you gain her trust back and things are close to normal again.
Then in April 2014, your wife discovers an empty condom wrapper and a bar receipt among the items you recently emptied from your pants pocket. You tell her that you only had dinner at the bar/diner and the condom was something you jokingly threw at a friend. Your wife asks you to call your friend and let her speak to him. She wanted to tell your friend that the two of you had a bet about the other night and she needed him to tell her what you threw at him. You refuse to make the call. You tell her that she should trust you because nothing happened. (FYI: You don't use condoms with your wife, you haven't in over 15 years). Having no concrete proof: your wife lets this slide but is untrusting again.
Then in September 2014, your wife discovers another affair with a different woman. She says she stills loves you but you have to leave. You tell her you love her and want to stay. You will do anything she asks. She doesn't file any legal papers, she allows you to stay at the house when visiting with the kids, the two of you agree on financial arrangements and you move over an hour away.
A couple months later, you tell your wife that you want to come home. She says that before she will consider allowing it, that YOU have to make an appointment for marriage counseling and the two of you must work some things out together in counseling.

What is your perspective, as the husband? How would you feel and react if you were this man, honestly?

I think it is a perfectly reasonable request to make. I think that if the husband truly wants to save his marriage and come home, he should be willing to put his marriage first for once and make the appointment. I think the wife should stand strong. I think that her husband will not change if he doesn't have to face his indiscretions and admit his behavior. His family doesn't even know that he isn't living with his wife and kids. I think he is waiting for the wife to allow him back home, hoping that everything will be the same. He said that he talked to his wife about it and there is no need to talk with anyone else.

So, what do you think? Is the wife being reasonable or unreasonable? Should she stand strong or should she make the appointment herself?

This man is a horrible example of a husband. If I was the betrayed spouse I would change the locks on the doors and file for divorce. The only thing that is unreasonable in her regards is for her to hold out hope that a husband with cheating on his mind will have a change of heart. There certainly isn't any love in his heart for his wife. Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice shame on me.

 

[Sirk]

Mans perspective: hmmmm....me hungry.......must get food.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

This man is a horrible example of a husband. If I was the betrayed spouse I would change the locks on the doors and file for divorce. The only thing that is unreasonable in her regards is for her to hold out hope that a husband with cheating on his mind will have a change of heart. There certainly isn't any love in his heart for his wife. Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice shame on me.

Amen to that!

 

[JesusistheChrist]

I have been going through marital issues for some time now. I feel fairly sure I am doing as God would have me to do. However, some recent conversations I have had on this site made me want to get a man's perspective on things. I would appreciate some input from the men out there on the following abbreviated situation.
In April 2013 your wife finds evidence that you have been having an affair for the last year. You tell her you are sorry and that it happened because of the excitement of having someone else want you. You agree to be honest and more open with your wife, to never speak to the other woman again, to never cheat again, and to not make your wife feel bad for questioning you in the future because you broke her trust. After several months you gain her trust back and things are close to normal again.
Then in April 2014, your wife discovers an empty condom wrapper and a bar receipt among the items you recently emptied from your pants pocket. You tell her that you only had dinner at the bar/diner and the condom was something you jokingly threw at a friend. Your wife asks you to call your friend and let her speak to him. She wanted to tell your friend that the two of you had a bet about the other night and she needed him to tell her what you threw at him. You refuse to make the call. You tell her that she should trust you because nothing happened. (FYI: You don't use condoms with your wife, you haven't in over 15 years). Having no concrete proof: your wife lets this slide but is untrusting again.
Then in September 2014, your wife discovers another affair with a different woman. She says she stills loves you but you have to leave. You tell her you love her and want to stay. You will do anything she asks. She doesn't file any legal papers, she allows you to stay at the house when visiting with the kids, the two of you agree on financial arrangements and you move over an hour away.
A couple months later, you tell your wife that you want to come home. She says that before she will consider allowing it, that YOU have to make an appointment for marriage counseling and the two of you must work some things out together in counseling.

What is your perspective, as the husband? How would you feel and react if you were this man, honestly?

I think it is a perfectly reasonable request to make. I think that if the husband truly wants to save his marriage and come home, he should be willing to put his marriage first for once and make the appointment. I think the wife should stand strong. I think that her husband will not change if he doesn't have to face his indiscretions and admit his behavior. His family doesn't even know that he isn't living with his wife and kids. I think he is waiting for the wife to allow him back home, hoping that everything will be the same. He said that he talked to his wife about it and there is no need to talk with anyone else.

So, what do you think? Is the wife being reasonable or unreasonable? Should she stand strong or should she make the appointment herself?

I don't think that there's anything the least bit unreasonable on your part...assuming that we're getting the whole truth here (I'm not doubting you, but I just have to say as much). Any man who sins against his wife and children in this manner is first and foremost sinning against God, so that's the major issue here. Your husband obviously has no fear of God. If I were you, then I'd be praying for such to come upon him that he might truly repent before God, you and your children.