Hi everyone, my husband and I are both christian, and have been married only 7 months. However, it already feels like we are an "old married couple".. And not in a good way. We constantly argue, sex feels like a chore to me, and there's deadly silence that lasts most of the day unless we're making small chat. I've tried to tell my husband that I need romance, and I need him to ask me how my day is going, and just act like he cares in general, but nothing has happened. I think we've been on one date since we've been married, and it was mostly silence at the table. In public, we put on this great show and everyone thinks we are so in love, but at home, I feel like I am completely alone. He is extremely distant unless I blow up and cry and yell, but that can't be healthy to have to do every time I need some affection. If something he does hurts my feelings and I tell him, he usually just loses his temper, says I'm being crazy, and then we sit in silence until he changes the subject and talks about the weather and pretends nothing ever happened. If I try to resolve things, he just loses his temper again so I've learned to just drop it and suck up any hurt I may have. I feel extremely alone and unappreciated.... The idea that it's already this bad terrifies me. I don't want to live our entire lives like this. I don't know what else to do. I've tried giving him time, I've tried praying, we pray together every night, we go to church, we've even gone to counseling even though he stopped going, and the cycle just never ends....
Do I stay and let the resentment and hurt silently build every day, or do I leave and hope he finds someone who makes him happier?
Hi, chattykathy.
Let me begin by saying that IF your husband was the one who had posted here, then I'd counsel him as to a husband's responsibility before the Lord in relation to his wife. IOW, I'd counsel him to lay down his life for you as Christ laid down His life for the church and I'd also counsel him to nourish and cherish you as he would his own flesh...but your husband is not here, so I'm going to focus my counsel towards you instead.
Here's the deal...
NONE OF US can change anybody but OURSELVES and, even then, only with God's help.
Although your husband obviously has issues/problems, again, you're here and he isn't, so here's what I recommend to you:
I Peter chapter 2
[18] Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.
[19] For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.
[20] For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.
[21] For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:
[22] Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:
[23] Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
[24] Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
[25] For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
I Peter chapter 3
[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Although I primarily want to discuss the wife's role (again, because you're here and your husband isn't) in a marriage with you as described in I Peter chapter 3, I did deliberately cite the latter portion of I Peter chapter 2 because chapter 3 begins with the word "likewise". IOW, in chapter 2, Peter had previously addressed certain situations and the proper responses to the same in regard to other relationships and the same pertains to the marital relationship as well or in a "like" ("likewise") manner.
As unpopular a message as it is today, Christians have actually been CALLED TO SUFFER...
"For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:" (I Peter 2:21)
...and such SUFFERING does include the marital relationship at times.
In the case of a master/servant relationship (I Peter 2:18-20), servants are instructed to "endure grief" while "suffering wrongfully" as the same is "acceptable with God" when we endure the same "FOR CONSCIENCE TOWARDS GOD".
THIS is the key. IOW, no matter what anybody else does in a relationship, we're still ultimately going to be accountable to God ourselves for our own actions and we therefore ought to always seek to do that which is truly "acceptable with God" and, again, as unpopular a message as it is today (just look at the divorce rate, for example), SUFFERING is "acceptable with God" and we've actually been CALLED UNTO the same. Yes, as Peter explained, CHRIST is ultimately our EXAMPLE and He overcame in the same manner in which the servant who "endured grief" while "suffering wrongfully" overcame in that He "committed Himself to Him that judges righteously" or in that He SUFFERED "FOR CONSCIENCE TOWARDS GOD". IOW, God ultimately is the judge and even when others are mistreating us, we need to LOOK UPWARD, as Jesus did, and get our heavenly Father's assessment of each and every situation and act in a manner which is pleasing in His sight...regardless of what anybody else is doing.
Which brings us to our "likewise"...
Look, as I said, your husband, assuming that your testimony here is true (and I don't doubt it), obviously has some issues/problems, BUT your best bet is to do what is right in God's sight for BOTH your own good and ALSO for your husband's potential benefit. Yes, if you want to be like the "holy women" of old "WHO TRUSTED IN GOD" (it's the same principle of having a "conscience towards God" or of "committing yourself to Him Who judges righteously"), then you're going to need to follow the instructions which Peter laid out for you in his epistle. Yes, you're going to have to be a woman/wife who has a "meek and quiet spirit" who is NOT going to seek to win/change your husband "with the Word", but "WITHOUT the Word" or by your "conversation" (an old English word) or behavior. IOW, you're going to have to set the standard by seeking and serving God yourself and your husband will hopefully take notice of the same and eventually change himself having been convicted by the same.
Like I said, this isn't a popular message nowadays when everybody runs as soon as the heat is turned up just a little, but it is the Word of God nonetheless and you'd (we'd) be wise to take heed to it.
Look, it's bad enough to have your husband turning away from you, but it's far worse if God turns away from you if you try to resolve matters in a manner which is contrary to His Word. Keep your focus on God and continue to look upward. If/when your husband rejects you, then look up to God and get His assessment of the situation. Is He likewise rejecting you? If not, then rest comfortably in His love and just continue to do that which is pleasing in His sight by His enabling grace. If, however, God is as equally against anything that you're doing as your husband is, then repent and set the matter right before both God and your husband. Again, none of us can change anybody but ourselves, but if we do things according to God's Word, then God Himself will work alongside of us and seek to bring the necessary conviction to help to change others.
I hope that this helps.
