Just venting here and I'm sorry for going on a mini-rant.
I'm in the middle of a stretch of working 10 days in a row with shifts ranging from 4 AM to noon to 9 to 5 to midnight to 8 AM, all back-to-back. It's during these times when I fall into the pit of despair, lying awake at night because of the stress (I just can't wind down or turn my mind off), and always asking God if this is all there is to life and why do we work so hard. I know... We do it to honor Him with the life He gives us, and God has been very good, but I'm just so tired. And feeling more than a little beat down and pulled under.
Someone told me today that I'm "always so happy", and I always want to say, No, I'm not, I'm not happy at all right now, but what would be the use of saying anything, and even if I did, you wouldn't know what to say back, would you?
Someone else is telling me I just need to get closer to God and is offering to do a Bible study with me which is very sweet and generous of their time and I appreciate it, but why is the answer to life always "another Bible/book study." They told me to let them know when I want to meet with them and that they'd expected to see me in church this past week but I wasn't there.
And I'm thinking, sure, sign me up for a Bible study. I could do it from 2 PM to 4 PM, because who cares that I'll be home from work at 1 PM after being up since 2 AM and that I have to be back into work by midnight. Because, again, another Bible study is always the answer. Maybe I'd be lucky enough to just fall over from a heart attack at church.
And then they'll tell you that you shouldn't be a slave to work and should trust God to take care of you, but I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary that anyone else wouldn't do. I'm not working much more than anyone else, they're just cramming it into long, non-stop stretches.
And I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I'd feel a lot closer to God if I could actually sleep at night and be able to take proper care of my own self. But I'm doing what we all have to do, which is survive. Why isn't the answer to how does one get closer to God, "Pray and watch God to open doors... for you to actually be able to take care of yourself on a day-to-day basis instead of a few times a month"?
Sorry for taking a bit of everyone's time.
It's just that, as I said, someone told me I'm always happy. And if I thought they'd actually listen, this is a small fragment of what actually comes out.